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Oh boy, Pink Cloud!
Not that I don't see enough of it every day, having a sniper rifle that shoots Pink Cloud bullets. But still...
As for Lucky? That name and Cutie Mark means something. Did they check that wound closely? Something tells me it missed the jugular. You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.
+10 Internets if you can name the movie this quote is from.
Edit:
1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg
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Thanks! I love your enthusiasm commenting on every chapter like that!
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Heh, you'll find out soon enough. Thanks for the comment!
nuuuu backstabers they got Violet and Patches
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Backstabbing is totally the way to go when you are dealing with gang wars.
Also Star on the way to extreme mental instability. I like these developments.
As a unnamed follower of chaos once said "sanity is for the weak!" and we all know chaos is cool!
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Thanks for the comments guys!
Good chapter, still don't know where this is going.
Lucky's death really doesn't sit well with me, I get the point to it I guess but still.
anyway that was an interesting read and Pink Cloud ... ... ... sorry but everytime I see Pink Cloud the only thing that keeps running through my mind is a certain filly ... hmmmm ...
keep up the good work sir!
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Heh. Thanks for the comment, much appreciated. As far as Lucky is concerned, well.... You'll just have to wait and see.
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wait ... wait a minute ... hmmmmm are you gonna do that?
gaaaah damn you and what you're possibility hinting!
now go and get to writing the next chapters!
°_0 pink cloud dear sweet Celestia...
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Pretty sure it's "You don't mess with the Zohan".
Oh, and cliffhangers, we meet again my mortal nemesis.
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First of all. Thank you for the favorite. Second of all, thank you for your chapter by chapter commentary and your locations of typostuffs!!!! You're awesome my friend!
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You'll see.
But thanks, I will correct those. Yes I know I'm bad at its / it's sometimes
My greetings once again, volrath! When I'll finish reading the Ballad, I'm gonna continue with your fic. Whi knows, maybe there are still hands somewhere?)
Cool new Cover image!
Nyerguds, thanks again for picking up on those things for me!! It's much appreciated my friend.
I've been thinking about why reading through Starlight tends to frustrate me as much as it entertains me. I think some, but not all of it, comes to how it presents the events in the story.
In some parts, there's a lot of 'show, don't tell' in practice where it might have been better to tell. In this story in particular, it seems particularly frequent with communication with companions.
I don't have an example in mind at the time of writing, but I might note down one if I stumble across another case while reading through and have writing tools available. But to loosely demonstrate what it is about this that irks me:
(When I first wrote it on IRC, I put it in the form of: "I don't know x 'what is x' 'let me check' checks 'x is x' And now I knew that x was x.")
--{
Largeflanks blinked.
"Globo? Pure, what's a globo? I've never heard of a globo before." The mare raked her mind for memories of globos. It did sound similar to Glow, though. She recalled the soft green light emitting from her friend's belongings the night before.
"Globo?" Pure's voice jolted Largeflanks back to attention, and with a soft kick, his translation dictionary popped out of his bag. "Sounds familiar. Let me check."
He flipped through the pages hastily. Largeflank's attention started to wane again, and her gaze fell from her ally's ears, to his cutie mark, then to his tail, then to his-
"Balls. It says right here that a Globo is a ball in common Equestrian, in the sense of a globe. Or a balloon. It could also refer to spheres in general, but-" Pure turned to face his ally, cocked his head momentarily at her rosy cheeks, then laughed. Did he wiggle his butt at her? She could have sworn he wiggled his butt. "I'd say we don't need a translation." He rapped at a small blue balloon glyph on the page inscribed just by the page number. "We just need to follow these blue clues. Look for blue balloons like this one."
Largeflanks looked at the balloon on the page again to make sure it settled in deep into her mind, nodded, then tucked her own book away. Now she knew that all she had to do was follow the balloon icons along the tunnels. Just check at each intersection for a balloon, follow the one with the balloon, and she'd get all of her friends where they needed to be in no time.
}--
vs
--{
Largeflanks blinked, then mouthed the strange word in the book a few times before asking Pure what it meant. Pure glanced through his dictionary, then reached at the page Largeflanks had been reading to tap the balloon glyph at the bottom of the page.
"It means balloon. We need to look for these glyphs when we go down the tunnel. It'll lead us to the hub."
The two exchanged acknowledging nods, then packed the books away to rendezvous with the Glow and Tail Tug by the entrance.
}--
The first version of that passage was a lot of fluff. It gives a little bit more insight to the characters, but it doesn't move towards resolving the problem of identifying the word and navigating the tunnel very efficiently.
If the first passage were from a larger story where these characters had already been well established, then that bit of exchange might be superfluous. Unless there's some kind of relationship change, character disposition change, or some other important thing to be demonstrated to the viewer, it's a lot time spent for little gain.
The second gives a lot less insight as to what's on the character's minds and how they feel right now, but moves events forwards much faster.
And I guess my frustration is that there are sections in Starlight where I'm not sure why it wasn't just summarized briefly rather than expanded into a multi-line exchange.
-
Another small thing that makes me feel odd from time to time is when the story over-explains a minor action.
An example. "I held up a hoof to stop her for a moment." Well, yeah. It's implied between her dialog and the motion that she's trying to get attention.
It could be cut to " I held up a hoof." Which keeps the momentum of the dialogue rolling.
Or it could have been: " I stopped her with a hoof." It's a little more ambiguous about the actual motion performed, but more straightforward about the purpose of the gesture.
GAAAAHHHH Had stared working on this, then closed the tab on accident without saving what I had done.... oh well hadn't gotten to far in it. Just some musings on how cynical Star is about the Past, and how she can't ever see anything not in some sad light, after the opening bit looked to be a lot more cheerful then usual. And then wondering why the hell two gangs in the middle of a war with each other would stop fighting each other to go after four random ponies that wandered by together. And pondering if maybe they weren't working for Pride and were after them specifically to get Star on her orders.
Also, the group has almost zero good tactical sense, standing in the middle of the road to fight rather then finding some cover? Oh and they also need somepony with a good close ranged weapon. They have a sniper rifle, two medium-long range riflepony, one projectile one magical, and a medium ranged minigun, all of which are very unwidly to try and use in close quarters.
Umm, yes but she wasn't a threat when you took her out, and Star has a point, they were acting really really odd, even for raiders, and getting a few answers would have been a good idea. Even beyond the whole morality thing of doing that given she'd already been rendered not a threat. Plus his justification is really really weak. So, we going into a whole 'when is it right to kill' bit of angst for Star now?
1. If they have Pip Bucks, then they have SATS, how in the bucking hell did they all miss when the group was standing out in the middle of the road with no cover, and not even moving? With that much ammo flying. they would have to be TRYING to miss them not for at least one or two shoots to get lucky.
Ummm, it's dead, used up, those things can't be recharged... then again might get some useful scrap out of it.
Again, how and why is that not only possible, but some sign of anything? Hell that would require rearing up, which is generally a sign of hostility in equines as it means they are getting ready to try and put their hoof through your skull.
Do I even want to know? Also, so did he just say M four times, or one drawn our 'mmmm' sound? Either way, odd reference.
Yeah I'm not liking this guy. I get he's trying to joke and be entertaining, can't say I care for his brand of humor at all. Or a lot about him. And yes I get he's based on some RL radio guy, doesn't mean I'd like that guy either.
Pretty cure there are some working ones around. Also, story, you are making me side with the pony that wants to wipe out an entire peaceful settlement out of spite.... Or at least agree with him in this case.
Hmmm, can we get some examples? Any 'premium' services? Cause for some reason just the way she is saying that, plus the overall nameing of the place...
Huh, well then, so I was right. Star, now is a good time to get a few 'private lessons'
Spoilsport.
Suuuuuuuurrreeee..... except for the part where, yup ghosts are canon to FOE. Though a rather special case. So, anypony here got the Wild Wasteland trait? But doubt that is the actual reason.. he mange to activate some old automatic defenses?
Well, what new horror will Star be walking into..... and then be carried back out of?
Consequence of you starting to use your brain more, or of Twi taking over more?
Fairly standard, and yeah further cementing him as the "Calamity' of the group. Though Calamity voiced the ideas a lot better. Steeljack's way is concise but, feels a little lacking in emotion. Plus it kind of misses the point. With Calamity killing that foal, there really was no other option. Either he took the shot, or the foal slit the mare's throat. Here, the mare was disabled and was not an active threat. I can still kind of see where he is coming from, but they seem to be overlooking that part of it.
Here's what I don't get, how would this make her a "Goddess"? It's not like Twilight in FOE ever ascended, and even if, that was not what made The Goddess so powerful, it was just a name it took that had nothing to do with Celestia or Luna. At most, it would be returning Twilight Sparkle in a pseudo-alicorn body. Powerful yes, but hardly Goddess level. Or is there even more to this then they know?
... I am not sure if I want more information on that one, or want to find some way to remove all thoughts about what that could be from my memory.
Wow you guys are the least genre savvy bunch of adventurers EVER! No not as bad as Puppysmiles herself, but she at least occasionally had a few others around her that were.
OHHH Well, point for remembering this is an option. Though wondering how he isn't able to track it given the Wonderbolts could apparently find Littlepip anywhere in Equestria using that same tag system, though they might have had better equipment for picking up the signal.
Or hit with a magical EMP to disable it. (Still not sure why Littlepip never considered that option after finding out about the 'bolts tracking her.) Or simply removed the leg. Though curious how her being dead would do anything for the tag. The PipBuck would still be working. We saw that one pegasus with a working pip buck that she carried on a string around her neck and it worked perfectly fine, if giving her limited option on what she could do with it. So dead wouldn't mess with the signal, it would either have to be turned off somehow, or shielded.
So, Pride? Guessing Pride. Seriously you guys, a group of fresh out of show era Equestria ponies would be more genre savvy about this stuff then you are.
At least you admit it.
Okay so you did think about that, if only a bit to late.
Okay.. did not see that one coming. So, working for Pride, or some other faction? Though all mares?
Hmmmm, soo, offering Star as payment to Pride to leave them alone, or trying to get Star and co. to take care of the whole gang war issue and stabilize things for them? If the second, you have a really stupid way of going about it.
Lady, you have one messed up way of showing it.
Exactly Star.
I am not sure if that name is hilarious awesome, or hilarious awful.
At least they are honest and upfront about it. I can respect that.
Umm, that actually encompasses pretty much all ponies in the Wastes period. Or at least the vast majority.
That is why you feel bad?
Hate to say it Star but.. that ain't very hard.
Seriously? That just.. seems so unneeded. These are hardened badass, heroes of the wasteland types. Now yes, she is more then right to be scared, but to the point of whimpering in terror? under these circumstances? It, just kind of kills a lot of their cred and, really doesn't do much for Patch as a character.
Ummm, Star, that seems like a perfectly normal response. Hardly surprising here.
Oh and another note, Lotus Triad, you are idiots, you want them to go deal with a threat because of how badass they are, while handicapping them by keeping half the team out of action?
Wait, you expect Star, to do something beyond a quick smash and grab? You actually expect STAR to do a convincing subterfuge and pass speech checks? This is what she has Violet for you idiots.
Not, enough, in the wastes. YOU COULD HAVE JUST USED THAT AS A BARGAINING TOOL TO GET WHAT YOU WANTED YOU IMBECILES!
Hmmm, stage theater or movie theater?
Okay, stage theater.
Random Noodle Incident, or foreshadowing and setting something up for later?
Wow that is one clunky sentence.....
Show up at the right location and then wing it, sooooo, basically your groups default plan for everything then.
Oh how I wish I could actually her that to tell just how bad 'her best' actually was.
Well, hey there Pride!
True, but she could just be there to bully the ponies in charge into working for her.
No, they just tell any random pony that comes in and vaguely asks about it where to go and what to do.
So yes, by all means, get drunk in the middle of a bar run by ponies you are here to spy on and double cross and then hope you don't babble about that fact in your drunken ramblings....
Oooooookayyyyy, so fake horn or fake wings?
Or, just, a completely random genetic freak of the kind we have never heard or seen even a hint of being possible anywhere at all before in all of Equestia.... Okay story, you are on thin ice with this, but I'll see where you go with it and if there is more to it then there seems.
So you keep saying, but it's not really showing up much in how you are acting.
Okay, the hammering in the whole "I'm angry a lot" thing is getting way to heavy hooved story. I get it, but she is emphasizing it WAY more then it should warrant given how utterly justified most of the cases where she got angry really are. Then just saying it wasn't. As with the whole her being drunk thing, Show, don't tell.
okay and time for more mental shenanigans well looks like a good time to stop, bout halfway through the chapter and been far to long.
Well, sorry for the lateness, again.. stupid trying to work retail during a holiday season.. still trying to plug along. Story is still interesting, and, not much more to say at his point, not really sure what else is going on and, well will find out eventually.
Alright, time to get back and see how bad Star screws this up, or has it screwed up for her.
Alright, so Twilight did do at least something in Chicacolt. Does make sense how it's being in locations of particularity strong memories that triggers them, so what happened here?
And why was I sure it would involve Rarity being around......
Well this isn't a literal memory orb, so Star being able to actually feel the emotions Twilight was under could make sense, she is literally remembering it as Twilight experienced it, not just the basic recording of senses without any mental input a real Memory Orb has. Also, might explain some of how she's able to do so in real orbs, cause I do believe most of the ones she had flashes like that in were of Twilight, so seeing the memory in Orb form, might have triggered some of Twilight's own more direct memories at a subconscious level, giving Star a bit more insight then a regular pony would get.
Okay if he had escaped during the war itself, things would have gone even worse. Afterwards, well he could have just been weakened by the whole Pink Cloud attack and all. Please don't try to use the whole "Chaos frees him, like the CMC fighting" excuse, cause it was very very explicitly made clear that was not the case, it was Celestia and Luna losing their connection to the Elements. Now, if instead it's going along with an idea about how the Mane 6 lost their connections to their Elements due to how the war changed them...... that could actually be an interesting idea to explore.
.... That better not be a reference to what I think it's a reference to. I will burn this entire place down around me if I have to to purge it of that abominations taint.
Now if instead said report is just an utter idiot and that question is just there to make clear how idiotic the idea is an mock said abomination, by all means story, do go on.
So during the earlier years of their time as Ministry Mares if they are all there. Since it is explicit, per Spike who would know, that the last time they were all together in one place at the same time was the unveiling of the Pegasus Power Armor Rarity and RD made. Which was a few years before the End.
How does that make sense as a pony term? They are all already a multitude of colors so saying that is rather redundant, and as to 'creed' how could she tell they had that just by look? And given it's basically another way of saying religion, wasn't aware there was such a variety in pony religions. I do get the idea behind the term being used, just the actual meaning of it is hard to apply to Ponies and yes I am being extremely nitpicky and literal. HAVE YOU MET ME!?
Wait.. new thought, if all the Mane 6 are there, why was it only Twilight being asked questions? Or were those just the only ones she remembered and/or Star was paying attention to?
Twilight, you know Rarity wouldn't do that, at all. I get the story is going for how badly Shining's death affected her, but it's going about it a little to heavy hoofed. Playing it up a bit to hard, and I think I've made that observation before... been awhile. But even here, her lashing out like this, for such a minor thing, all in her head. It's hard to equate the character here, with everything we do know about her.
Well it's pre-Shattered Hoof, but Twilight is going to feel so bad about acting all special in her pain after Big Mac dies.... Speaking of, the fact he is still alive, means this is REALLY early in their run as Ministry Mares so, not like there would be the amount of stress they had later on. Maybe it's just the fact we are only seeing snapshots of Twilight's life, but everything we see shows her to be... alright I'll stop on the "it's overplayed" thing you get the idea.
Well that was kind of a forgone conclusion but, what 'mood swings', again every shift in her emotions has been rather justified. I see what the other comment means with the story both showing and telling to much. With Star's 'mood swings' it's telling and not doing a good job of making it out to feel natural and showing us this fact rather then Star telling us. While with Twilight, it's over doing the showing, it's playing it to hard.
So, out of curiosity, do the post concussion blackout, or the post alcoholic blackout hangovers hurt more?
Wow, gee falling asleep, drunk, in enemy controlled buildings, who would have figured this could have happened? So they work out she's working for the Lotuses, or just their SOP for ponies trying to join up? Or are they working for Pride and recognize who she is, or just did that without needing Pride around?
That has got to be so damn awkward to position right.
Ah SOP, and the gun to the neck thing? Just because the guy is a douche?
As pithy comebacks go, not really all that great, but you are hungover and still waking up so, can't expect to much I guess.
I did not see that coming and yet, I am totally not surprised in the least.
Damnit Star, while I fully agree this is way to easy, you never, ever, EVER say that, or even think that, it just makes sure you get screwed over.
This better all end with Star getting a Biggoron Sword for all the deal chains she has to go through. Though with her luck, it would end up being a Giant's Knife.
Weeeeell, how tight that is depends on the story... quite a lot have that very very loose indeed. As to needing a PipBuck, hopefully it's a case of they need one to hack into it, rather then it requiring one to access period.
Wait, they sent others in, so they CAN get it open, so why not have the one with the PipBuck go in, and then send in a small army to back them up?
And they know this how? The only 'tech' she ever REALLY cared about was the Steel Ranger armor... yeah I have so so many questions about the logic here but, should probably wait till we find out what it is.
Knew that had to be coming back in, so going to find out how this random, never before heard of or even hinted at mutation came about?
Well, at least that IS something you know you are going to need.
Likely, so robo-gaurdians? That seems more like a MAW thing, though guess the MWT was responsible for building them.
Okay so it was hacking it. Also, when did Star get good at hacking? I mean I have no problem seeing her hacking into the building, but I'd figure it would be more hacking the doors apart.
How are there ex-bakers in the Wastes? Where did they ever get the skill to BE those in the first place? Doesn't seem like a skill that would really be easy to develop under the circumstances.
Pinkie Pie would both approve, and disprove, depending on which spot in her lifetime she is.
It's alright Star, we expect it of you.
Also... ~"exposition exposition talk shit out AS-AP!"~
Guess technically the info dump should be remarked on and is technically flawed for just being a massive, well info dump but... yeah these don't bug me to much, I love finding out the background stuff and yeah it could be better, I really don't mind.
So, she just playing you and is off doing something nefarious?
Minus all the shrapnel from the destroyed bots of course.
Still don't trust her, given the whole, she makes no sense at all and should not exist as she is so it seems questionable and makes me think/hope something is up. HOWEVER, despite that... I am really growing to like her. She's rather cute in an innocent type of way. Still, there has to be something more to her then it seems.
"Discretion is the better part of valor!"
Huh, I'm having the opposite effect.
1. She can patch you up after you get shot full of holes, that in and of itself is useful.
2. Typo found HOW MANY POINTS DO I RECEIVE!?
That does make sense, however the fact you are going there first mean it'll be wrong of course.
Okay, she is WAY to damn naive to not be up to something. How could she get medical training without recognizing that smell?
Ghouls don't really stink that much, not that it's ever been mentioned. Yes they LOOK like they are rotting, but it's only the surface layers of skin and doesn't do to much stinking. I just figured it was dead bodies, after all, the ponies they had sent in here already had to have their bodies somewhere. Though I suppose they could have just been disintegrated.
And thought, let's see we had Greed, trying to get to what turned out to be an artifact that made ghouls, and now Pride heading to Chicacolt, and another mass of ghouls.. is it going to be something similar?
So, now she's insulting Violet? Or does she no long think Violet is cute?
I'm not, to bland, under developed and just, kind of there without being any real presence.
No... just no.
See, if this is a result of the whole Twilight's emotions thing, it's done much better, and yet, here is a good point to SHOW instead, expand it, be more detailed about it, show the conflicting emotions each play over her, make it a more major thing going on, rather then sum it all up so quickly.
Narrative causality senses.. tingling...
Well gee, I wonder what could be in there......
How does that make any sense at all?
Why would he do that rather then just blow their heads off?
And this is why you don't give the terrified, wholly untrained pony quaking in fear a weapon they don't know how to use.
Secondarily, why you don't give a pony you do not fully trust and has some rather suspicious stuff going on with her a weapon and let her stay behind you.
So yeah Lucky shot her, question is, accidental or on purpose?
Okay, accidental, and yes Star, yes it was.
See again my earlier comments about how you guys really need some close ranged weapons.
... that... i... it just... okay I have a lot of things that could be said, but going to hold off till the end of the chapter just in case.
So wait, is she slinking and stepping on her own, or being pushed?
Well, time for psycho analysis Twilight? Not that Star doesn't really need a few therapy sessions.
Definitely an emotion Star needs a good bit of right now, even if putting her into this situation was a bit forced. (I'll get to it later.)
All good points. How much of this is due to Star simply being afraid and fighting back, causing issues? Granted that kind of goes with where I think this might be going, so not sure if I'm right, but if I am, Star really has little to worry about, although maybe if one of you would just EXPLAIN THIS to her so she understands and isn't afraid and wanting to fight... cause yeah with just what she knows she has every reason to be afraid and fight this. But if I'm right, well we'll see where this goes.
Well then maybe you should try not rushing off half cocked and try thinking things through a bit more.
Also true that a lot of this really is outside your control.
Definitely supporting my theory about where this is going.
Dumb luck? You just happened to be the Alicorn Twilight's soul popped into to save Littlepip and it made you the target of the spell to bring her back as a result?
Okay.. Hope... not bad but, did feel a little... generic. Love the idea, and nothing wrong with what went on but, really could have been more depth to it, had a bit more emotion and impact. Still decent enough.
So, Ghoul biting her ass and this all only took a few seconds in her mind, or fight's over and the other two are just waiting on her to wake up?
Okay fight's over, time to patch her up.
Ah good to see her having issues, can't make this to easy, plus just waltzing through any lock, physical or electronic without even trying is Littlepip's shtick.
Plot convenience FTW! Why the hell would the door have something that easy... unless.... all Ministry locks have a hardcoded override to allow Twilight to access them, and Star's magical signature matches hers enough....
Or just this specific one was set up just in case Twi came around.
Again with this. And likely said before but, was awhile ago. It's not the fact Shining's death impacted her, that works fine, it's how it seems every, single, solitary thing in her entire life revolved around that fact and nothing else.
Vault to keep copies of tech so they don't become lost? only thing I can think of for what this thing is.
If radiation is strong enough you can outright FEEL it, it means it means you are beyond fucked, you should be melting into a puddle of goo long before that point. Star has an excuse, Alicorn's react differently to it and so are sensitive to that.
Wow, no... just no. Okay the pink Cloud as a megaspell was a complete surprise, it was the Zebra's trump card. Balefire bombs, everyone knew about, they were their major, visible thing. But the Pink Cloud was special it wasn't meant as a major weapon, it was created for one and only one reason, to kill the Princesses in Canterlot. How the hell would the ponies get a copy of it? It wouldn't exist. And if they got it back far enough to go to all this expense and all this effort to seal it in some vault in the middle of nowhere, it means they knew all about it, otherwise they would be breaking this thing apart and studying every facet of it. Meaning this can't be the only such device they found, and Twi was just keeping a spare around, just in case. It just does not work. There is no way that should be possible.
Now yes they did have the Littlehorn Agent, which was the base used to build the Pink Cloud megaspell around, but they are not the same thing. So again it could work quite easily with just a little tweak to actually match what was established. Not a Pink Cloud Megaspell, but simply a Littlehorn Agent talisman, same basic idea, but a lot weaker, and close enough that yeah by this point ponies might not really note the difference. But still, it does not work with that being a Pink Cloud megaspell. And why the buck would Twilight be storing it in the first place? And in an MWT vault rather then in something in the MAS?
Oh also, the Pink Cloud was not radioactive. Not in the way a Balefire bomb was, and even that, like real nukes, was perfectly safe and did not give off any radiation till it was detonated. So yeah there wouldn't be that much radiation in there from it.
So yeah, if not for the logical issues around that even existing, yeah big DUN DUN DUN! reveal but, knowing how it makes no sense..... ehhh see where this goes.
Now as to Lucky, another case of the idea working really well, but the execution just not quite living up to what it was clearly trying to be.
The big issue was how much of a non-entity Lucky was. Just a few minor little bits, enough to get an idea of her, but nothing to really connect with, she was.. just there. It needed more build up, she needed more of a presence. And same for the death, it was just, to sudden, turn around and boom she's dead, there wasn't time to build up the tension, and there wasn't enough connection to the character to really make it hit as hard as it should. Or enough to show Star connecting to her so that this would hit HER as hard as it did. She simply was not utilized, not present enough for her death to matter, it's more like she's just a few steps above a Red Shirt. Only instead of being there to die to prove the situation is dangerous, she's there to die to give Star more reason to angst.
Not helping this is the whole Pegacorn thing. it comes out of nowhere, makes little sense in the story, is never explained how this is possible when we have seen no evidence of it before, and just makes it seem like, if she stands out that much, in a way that makes no sense, and does nothing to help the story it just makes it seem like something isn't right, she is up to something, this is all a trick, and so also prevents connecting to her enough for her death to matter. I was split between "Oh no she's going to die" and "Okay so is now where we find out what her game was?" Further distracting from the intended emotional impact. Hell I'm still half expecting this to all be some kind of game, like Lucky was just some pawn of Pride, who was trying to create Alicorns of her own or something.
Again the IDEA of this, what the story was going for was great. But it simply didn't commit enough effort towards making it work. To building up to emotional investment with the character. There were to many questions, why is she a Pegacorn? how? How is she that naive, that innocent, that unused to fighting of any kind, and let last this long in the Wastes? Where did she get her medical training if that was the case? And a with the things that give me the biggest it's something that would be so easy to fix and make work so well. First, unless there really is something coming along to explain this, ditch the Pegacorn thing. Drunk, lonely, scared, Star, sees a unicorn mare that looks a lot like Violet, talks to her mostly out of need, find out more about Lucky, the two bond, have some real dialog between them, some real bonding, Explain how Lucky is so unable and unused to fighting, yet trying to make her way, some backstory, have Star offer to look after her, feeling protective what with Violet in danger, and Lucky reminds her of Violet. Have her bring Lucky with them, give her more reason to feel responsible, promise ot look after the mare, some real connection between the two to make it have more emotional impact. Explore that two characters together, have them bonding, and use that as a way to make the reader bond with and care about Lucky. And then give the death some more tension, some build up, as it it was to quick, to clean, to easy, make it have more impact. Not be gorier, just, build up to it more. A lot of ways you could do that.
As is, it was a decent enough plot point, that I just can't help but see how it could have had such a much much more effectual impact on the story and the character. It's not really bad, but it had so much more potential.
Still not a bad chapter, and, still plugging along with the story.
HAH! Luna reference!