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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Keep up the good work
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Thanks!
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"“You’re serious,” Violet said, stepping front of me. I nodded fiercely as I picked up my saddlebag. I latched Stargazer to its harness."
I've Either Failed English And I'm Not Reading This Right Or There Maybe A Slight Error... I Didn't Think She Had Stargazer At That Point... Seeing As Though She Was About To Go Get It Back...
Oh Yeah Then Later On It's Mentioned She Didn't Have The Harness, But Ya Know Off Screen
Other Than That Great Work Lovin' It.
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Wowza thanks for catching that! I've gone ahead and fixed that! Thanks for the favorite and the watch too!
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Oh and I must have been really tired last night to miss that. Went through again for any issues. Big time thanks for that!
Looking forward to starting Chapter 8 this week.
Oh..............my
Oh noez i totally missed to read the last chapter when it was postet now i feel bad
Also i totally thought in the last chapter that Discord would pull a Deus ex Machina to protect his "investment" in the form of Star but you managed it great without falling back to something like that.
And to this chapter I loved it how greed met his demise out with a great BANG.
Also i second Stars question, what kind of emotions are harmony and disharmony anyways?
Aaand now star has a tumblr like all the other great wastelanders
long comment is long!
carry on good pony!
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I'd like to think of harmony and disharmony as the balance between order and chaos. But yea Star is confuzzled.
Thank you so much for your comments! They are greatly appreciated.
I look forward to any questions you guys want to send Star!
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Is that good or bad? Hehe.
and then they fucked
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Indeed. Kudos to you sir, for getting that reference.
You know I realized I never did a chapter comment. Chapter 7 was hellaciously fun to write. I am currently working on chapter 8 and I was also wondering about the interest in a 7.5 oneshot that focuses on Violet and Star. Yes it may be a little mature, so thus why I'm wondering how you guys would like that. Feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think. It's being worked on, mostly for my own personal challenge, so we shall see how it goes.
Thanks for reading!
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Wow. Just wow. I'm sort of speechless and not really sure what to say to this. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Don't worry, i'm not done yet. Plenty more to come!
sexy time? sexy time.
img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/2dfce63544e7881f52d952db737efa51/http://i604.photobucket.com/albums/tt125/neozigma/pony_doom_by_rautakoura-d4e512v-1.jpg
My face when the end of the chapter.
"Nothing happened! You hear me out there?! Nothing!"
lol. Easy on the fourth wall, there ;)
As for Greed... I expected more from him, tbh. I really hoped nothing less than Stargazer would be able to get him. Though I guess pulling a Houdini and then going out with a bang is still pretty neat. The FMA one was still better though
Corrections! I know you were waiting for them
> Move like a pegasi, sting like a unicorn!
"a pegasus". Also, the original Muhammad Ali quote was "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee", so you kinda messed that up
> The Ministry Mare of Peace Fluttershy’s body was airy and light
Weird sentence construction. Best correction is probably:
The body of Fluttershy, the Ministry Mare of Peace, was airy and light
>My host sight and pushed on the door.
"sighed"
>“Hey now… gotta let me breath sometime,”
"breathe"
> were either now completely shattered or so dirty
"were now either"
"Half-blind Security officers can’t do as good of a job as those with all their vision,” Patch said, chuckling
Oh, you mean this guy from star wars?
resources0.news.com.au/images/2011/09/08/1226132/359316-jay-laga-039-aia.jpg
"“Followed your PipBuck tag. Wasn’t that difficult,” She replied as she picked up our saddlebags and Thunder Flash. You can do that? Really? Oh shush, what do you know? What? You knew that could be done and you didn’t tell me? Jerk!"
Didn't Star track Violet's PipBuck when she got taken by Greed?
I really like the way this fic is written so far. It's exciting, but not overly dark and depressing as some of the other FoE ones (Of course, I'm reading this right after I caught up with Murky Number Seven so everything is relative). You have fun characters, an attention holding main conflict, and cool guns, so I'm pretty much happy so far.
The only issue I'm having so far is the whole deal with Discord. So far, he seems pretty flat and I don't understand his goal in this, but I'm sure that will be revealed in time.
That scene with the two, back to back, shooting bad guys make think so hard of Army of Two...
they need to make fallout have darksouls style coop. Also, secnd best FoE in my opinion...
After Project Horizons.
Okay, let's get back to the story.
Hmmmmm, interesting opening. Can't really agree with the war being caused by 'greed'. The Ponies weren't trying to take stuff from the Zebra's, it was a trade. Zebra's had coal the ponies wanted, the ponies had gem stones the Zebra's wanted. While yes, Ponies wanting more and more coal to support their growing industry might have been an issue, it was hardly outright 'greed'. And the war was about more then just that. It was only the catalyst to kick things off. But again this is all just Star's opinion and thoughts on things.
Oookay so, jumping right into the action.. not him accepting her challenge, the set up, WHY he would accept her challenge in the first place?
Yeah.... real smart Star. Well, you could always try putting a shield around his head to suffocate him....
But, again why would he take the challenge? his whole scheme is to drain her life with the idol to give him super powers or immortality or something, why would he kill her now?
.. well to be fair, no one ever accused raiders of not being utter morons.
Eh, wouldn't it hurt more to sting like a manticore?
Likely not, since you said you had a plan, they are likely waiting on you, and even if they did realize you wanted them to escape, they wouldn't leave without you.
Well, no, I figured most would expect that he would play dirty.
That.... that is one HELL of a long shot based on a rather extreme bunch of massive guesses based on.... what?
I mean I can see her thought processes but, why would that matter? Why would his horn have anything to do with this? it's not a spell he is maintaining.
Wha? How? First, we've never seen anything indicating horns had a blood supply. Generally they are solid bone, or 'Alicorn' some other inert material growing right out of the skull. Then again they are the same color as their coats..... And it would make some sense, the shield protects his skin, this isn't quite breaking that so... possible, but still feels odd.
.... Yes, becuase that will totally make her afraid, since it's not like you were already trying to do that....
1. How does that even work? Why did that make sense? I feel the need to bust out an 8-bit theater line. "I hate when the things he says that shouldn't make sense, make sense."
2. Calling it 'life fluid' sounds really really odd.
Wow, that blast really knocked her senseless, didn't it?
Oh, were to even start with that fight.....
Well for one, it's back to being a bit rushed.
Starting out in media ras can work, but not really here. Since it skips over one important thing that kind of needed to be answered, why did he accept her challenge? He had everything he needed, had nothing to gain from it. Even as sure as he was that he's immortal, why would he risk anything? He has her, needs her alive for his plan so..... why?
Next, her figuring out his weak point... how? First, how odd it is in and of itself. Why would the Poison Joke's magic be tied to his own horn? It effects non-unicorns. That... makes no sense. Why would a damaged horn alter that in anyway? And this isn't even as odd why the fuck Poison Joke would do this in the first place. It didn't kill him, which is it's whole M.O. Delivering ironic deaths. It simply makes no sense. The only way this works, is if that whole Poison Joke things was bullshit he made up and this was just some spell he had learned.
Which, okay let's assume that is the case. How would she know? Her realizing this comes right out of nowhere. Follows a train of logic that requires either making wild guesses based on nothing that just happen to be right, or pulling knowledge out of her plot. rather then, see some hint, something in the battle that would lead to this. It's, just pure plot convenience that this works and she got the idea where she did, rather the feeling like it arose naturally from the setting and the actions taken.
It robs the conflict of a lot of it's importance and potential awesomeness, when it's only won because the story says this thing which makes little sense and comes out of nowhere let her win.
And then there is a slightly damaged horn exploding with that much force. Some blow back, okay, enough force to send ponies flying? that is pushing it.
Awww, I can't stay mad at you story.
Why!?
Why would you do that? Take her totally out of commission in the middle of a fire fight? Yeah, she's wounded and not able to fight, but still conscious, and might be able to do something, instead of just being a useless inert lump. To dull the pain? That's what the med-X is for, and they don't know how much pain she's in. And again getting out of the firefight is more important. So why would they do this?
Next, memory orbs don't work that way, you can't just touch it to a horn and it kicks in, hell it doesn't even need to touch her horn. It's about being touched by the unicorns magic. So unless she reached for the orb, it wouldn't envelop her.
Story, watch it, you're backsliding....
Well given what you've been in before.. thta's not really hard to make that claim.
Again, I like this. Yeah we never saw this level of detail, being able to pick up this much about a host from the original, so might seem off but, I think it works. It's mostly things that star could pick up just from physical cues. Posture, how she moves, how tense they are. Lots of small, subtle things that could be there. We just never got it before because.. let's face it, reading other ponies was hard enough for Littlepip at times even when they were being pretty blatant, let alone picking up the more subtle social cues. So this could just be Star is simply that much more observant, at least about body language, subtle signs like this. I do like this small touch. Or, as before, she's simply channeling some latent memories of them from Twilight. Which also works, and this is her conscious mind trying to process those subconscious thoughts. Either way works, though I do like the first one better.
Typo
This.... does not work so well. I mean, on it's own yeah it would make sense Twi would have stuff set up at her parents house, just a little personal thing for when she is there. Except, it doesn't work in FoE. Granted it's not wholly impossible, however it does feel out of place with how Star Sparkle described her relationship to Twilight. Distant, hardly seeing her, not feeling like she had a true connection to her daughter, not like she should. her living there enough to have this thing set up... again not impossible but, doesn't quite feel right.
Also, can't tell if Doctor Who reference, Dexter's Lab reference, or no intended reference.
Okay the stuff before, that could be from tiny, subtle hints. This.. this is just outright mind reading, which is explicitly impossible for Memory Orbs.
........
Well that was.. interesting. Few minor ehhh points but, okay setting up how badly her brother's death hurt her, and it's driving her towards something big. Just.. going to wait to get all the information before making any calls on this. So, with that statuette... no way it's the same type as the Ministry mare ones, just a non-magical trinket to help her feel better, but still a nice thought. So, this is fairly late in the war, given it has to be after Rarity made the statuettes for the to mean as much.
Also another little... quirk.. I've noticed with the more extended orbs now, they tend to feel more like... Star is an outside observer. That her point of view isn't directly from inside one of the ponies. Not, in direct ways but, just the overall feel of it. Sometimes it does, but a lot of the time, it just feels a tad off from how I'd expect a memory orb to feel. Still pretty good, but a lot of questions to answer before I really say more on some of this.
You wouldn't have to worry about that if you hadn't gone into a memory orb in the middle of a firefight. You would know!
Well, knew that was coming. Now, how bad is it?
Why do I hear that in a tone that simply drips "I am not even going to question this incredibly odd thing, just accept it as the weird alicorn being weird."
Yeah..... she should have popped out right after that orb was done, which couldn't have been this long. unless she passed out during it, well after but, never saw that being possible. So, add in the issues with going into an orb in a situation like that having no good reason... why not simply have her blackout from her wounds? Cliched yeah, and stories done it already but, it would at least make sense.
Except... they DID shoot her up with some Med-X almost right away....
Yes, like in, oh say.. The Book of Littlepip? That, you all should really be reading by now?
Again, that was a dumber idea then either of the two 'plans' that got you into that situation before. Yeah would have made more sense if they just gave her a massive does of Med-X or something and it caused her to pass out or something. Have a whole lot less "What?" moments to deal with.
How would you tell what was his blood, and what was some from Star or some other pony that got hit by the blast? Either way.. no body... he ain't dead. Hopefully they aren't that surprised when he shows up.
HEY.. you stole my reaction Star. Yeah, I can buy her understating it and just, not wanting about it. Just, accepting it happened and moving on. I'm liking Patch a lot. YAY! A Wastelend hero that won't endlessly angst about things!
Well, knew that was coming too but... feels a tad.. contrived that it happened that quickly and like that. All neat and pat and perfect....
So, So need to read more stories....
... And we just found out exactly HOW awesome it was! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Well, at least they realized the blindingly obvious but.... yeah he ain't going to be alive for long. She needs that gun back, ASAP!
Yeah, can't argue with her at all about going after him. Alone though.. yet... it does make sense. So far every time he's managed to use her friends as leverage against her. So yeah, can see why she'd want to go alone.
And way to kill the mood with clunky, unneeded exposition. We had already figured this out just from the dialog. being shown it, not needing to be told it as well.
Also second issue, when is this taking place? didn't she need a few more days to recover from that last beating?
... Star.. don't you go ANYWHERE before having that 'discussion' with her.
okay... I'm calling OP on him. There better be a good reason he's that powerful. But really, Star, watch your flank, and I really hope there is more to him then just "Lol Killing Joke did something completely contrary to it's very existence" handwave.
Again story, you are slipping into things being way to easy and quick. You were doing good for a while. But starting to backslide.
Why? Couldn't they have been ripped off years ago? Or is it something else about how they are ripped off that makes it clearly fresh? if so, should elaborate on that.
This is why you should have run at the very moment he lifted it, not wait till he started actually shooting.
Making it completely useless. No, just steal it from him. Somehow.
See this is the type of thing you should tell us as you set out, not pull in the middle of the fight.
HELL YEAH! Also, smart move, he's resistant to physical damage, but almsot nothing is ever immune to sonic damage.
Would say I'm surprised but, saw it coming. Most logical way she would get out of that barring some Deus ex Machina new power, or Greed grabbing an idiot ball. But still HELL YEAH! Again. So, his power thing really on the fritz or, simply can't block magical energy weapons? Still, had to do something given normally a shot would vaporize the whole body, not just part of one like that.
Well, that's not good. Last thing she needs even more brain damage. Though.. yeah right like they don't make it out somehow. Besides, Star, you could ave just teleported out before this all came crashing down.
But all around, decent fight. Again with the being rather quick and to the point, not really enough buildup and some outright awkward phrasing for some things. But decent. Glad that asshole is finally gone. Still wish we had at least gotten confirmation he was full of shit about that whole killing joke thing.
Because you are the one that keeps doing idiotic stuff that gets you knocked out? Also, the universe knows what a hard head you have, so knows you can take it. plus, hey at least you know you aren't dead.
...
Okay those Twi;s... optimism and pessimism? Something to that extent?
Okay... yeah that kind of makes sense. Her inner conflict between the two. Though, why does her 'Harmony' feel like a slightly less energetic Pinkie Pie?
Stretching it with that reference. But... yeah confusing, abstract, but as above, it does make some sense. Granted these are less 'emotions' then states of mind/being.
Very good point. Though, like a lot so far, bit lessened in how impactful it could have been by not really being built up well enough to have that emotional tor... yeah yeah harping on the same thing again, but hey, it's been a few days since I did this, so it feels newer now. But, kudos for the idea story. Just, cold have used a more well fleshed out execution of it.
Actually, now that you're awake, she just has to hold tight while you teleport you both out of there.
......... I know I shouldn't be surprised at this but... actual intelligent use of an established system? See, little things like this... I cant stay mad at you for some flubs in execution, cause stuff like that, proves you are trying.
Okay. 1. this is just surreal and really odd, her talking that directly to the reader, even as an aside and half joking. Two. Hasn't she already done just that? Or had one of her friends do that? I know it's come up before that it can be done. Third, damnit Star..... read the damn owners manual for the thing already.
Just can't catch a freaking break, can you?
Now, per the games... that should be impossible, and yet... it does make sense they would have something like that, just, it would be to hard and pointless to implement in a game. So, chalk it up to a bonus SATS has over VATS
Once again... raiders prove they really are to dumb to live. Oh well, no huge loss.
Story, you had a really great mood building.. then Star went and killed it. Way to much technical exposition for stuff that we probably already know, and if we didn't hardly matters, killing the flow and taking the story away from the emotions build up, and swapping it over to facts and logic. plus, random tense shifting.
Again you had it, then you lost it with some awkward exposition.
Pinkie likes that idea. Well, time for some real fun.
Alright chapter.... was not as good as the last few. Again it had some really great ideas, and what it was trying to say was great, just, went back into rushing, skipping things, and having stuff feel a little too pat, perfect, contrived almost. But better then some early chapters at least. plus a lot of really good little bits.
Sorry this took so long, and don't have more to say, most of it would just be repeating the stuff I already said, plus wanted to actually get this done. Story is still good, and still getting better.
I want Patch to grow on me. She started off so ludicrously desperate for friends, it was almost cute. She hasn't yet, but her reaction to losing her eye (I was surprised she hadn't started off with the eyepatch, considering) is a good next step.
I was really hoping she'd lose that gun. It's possibly my least favorite thing in this story. :| Well, that and, "Mares... we're complicated, aren't we?" from last chapter.
Also I'm not looking forward to the clop chapter uuuuugh I may just read it myself because nothing is unsexier than listening to a middle-aged German man read about two horses fucking. D: