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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Chapter 5 is up! Damn... this was a weird chapter to write... so enjoy!
Nice chapter for one and i already suspectet that stargazer was way more than a fancy minigun with a name!
I think it is rather strange that Star does not know about the NCR because the Followers are a very vital part of it and as i understand it velvet was one of the defacto "founders" of the NCR, but i guess you could explain that with Star being just to lazy to learn anything about that topic.
And OH LUNA even more enigmatic clues nopony knows anything to do with
I must say however i don't really like it when discord is presentet as actively cruel towards ponies, because i see him more in the role of a spirit who totally thinks he is hilarious and does not understand why everypony wants to stop him from being hilarious because he operates on a completly different framework of morals than ponies (Blue and Orange Morality for those who know that trope).
But thats just my opinion on that. And because it's your story you can do whatever the buck you like!
533346
Yea Star is totally lazy. She doesn't pay attention to much.
Discord is a little darker. He is still chaotic and his motives are unclear. Releasing Star after their little game is just right up his alley. But in the end, he wants the spirit inside of her. Unlike everypony else though, he's willing to play the long game to get it.
Great feedback though. Thanks!!
533346
So looked a bit and added a few extra lines so as to make it clear that its another one of her absent minded episodes concerning the NCR. Should make it clearer.
Ok I guess you can say that with that memory orb that blows pumas story out of the water.
538726
You know as well as I do no sidefics are canon. Not familiar with pumas story either.
Still. Was a lot of fun to write!
539343 lol true
Volrath, you magnificent bastard!
558689
Thanks! Glad you like it!
You killed shinig armor!
Drunk sexy time?
"what could possibly go wrong?"
You did NOT just say that. If you wake up gagged and bound by Greed again, you totally deserve it.
Oh. Discord. Mkay. Playing more games. Well, stay classy, Discord!
'rainbowdashisbestpony'
I C WUT U DID THAR!
'Interfacing with Cloud Technology'
lol, Fallout skill book reference?
And ending with drunk sexy time. Mkay. Go get lucky.
On to some corrections:
> to let Stable-Tec to let us peek at the software matrices of one of those things.
"to [get] Stable-Tec to let us peek at"
> draqonequess
draconequus
> "but who’s the NCR?"
> "You know who the NCR is"
The NCR isn't a person. Use "what", not "who".
Did you almost punch out Cthulhu? Also, Twilight's not allowed in bounce houses anymore.
Damn, chapter 5 of 36 and Star is 40% possessed, has Luna's own gun, got in fight with Discord twice, an indestructible pony hunts her, and she has two out of six figurines.
It looks like a game of chess starting without any pawns on the chessboard.
Okay so.... Discord appeared, and her change seems to have something to do with some experiment Twi was performing with changeling magic... I really have no idea what to say to this beyond hoping the story has a good reason for including Discord and can address the issues with him being around. Like why he hasn't done anything before, didn't interfere with Littlepip, and why he isn't out causing massive chaos.
And another great opening bit, and yes, pure order isn't any better then pure Chaos. Just look at the Season 5 premier for a case or Order going to far. (Still love the show did that.) Chaos isn't the foe of Harmony, same as Order isn't necessarily synonymous with Harmony. Harmony is about a balance between the two.
I really really hope not. it's one of the things (of many) that pisses me off about that other.... thing. What made the War and The End so tragic, work so well, was all of it was a series of tragic, but well meaning mistakes. Everypony, and Zebra believed they were doing what was best, was trying to help their people, the entire things was an ever escalating series of mistakes, of both sides being in over their heads. Not some force pushing things that way because it wanted it.
Yeah, like that is going to help....
Okay so... he needs her power to do that... so something during the war depowered him?
... How would someone from the Wastes know what Cotton Candy was?
Okay, so, what just happened? Is it because he's been weakened? Something about Stargazer? Some combination of the two? Or is he just fucking with her?
Yeah, lots of questions, but, a ton I'm excited to find out the answers to.
Overall, that was pretty freaking awesome. Sure a few lines or parts that could have been tweaked a bit more, few bits that didn't quite flow right, but that's being really nitpicky, overall, that was a pretty damn great action sequence. And yeah tons of questions, but in a good way.
Hey you all realized one of you staying awake to watch is a good idea, way to go, let's hope it sticks.
Could always have Iris try to lick all the sticky off.
Hey and she's finally curious enough to start asking questions, maybe some that might even get some answers.
That is an understatement. But do like the story is finally addressing this directly.
Wait, he has a PipBuck? Where'd this come from? Both as in, why has it not been mentioned before, and where did he get it.
How.. do you think it 'isn't important' but at the same time 'will answer all her questions'?
Damn.... well, know I said I'd lay off the rushed bits, and this wasn't to bad, but still.. ehhhh sorry, being nitpicky. It was rather good, just came out of nowhere, and could have used more build up, but at the same time, makes e=sense he'd keep it as concise as possible, try to limit how much he thought about it. And explains why the Talons hate him, he went back on a contract. So, yeah good character development
Star.... what the hell kind of question is that?
...
Okay, nice scene, touching, a bit ru... NO! Bad commentary, leave it alone. But really, not bad, nice development, her being suspicious, wanting to know more makes sense. Just could have used more build up, but better then before, so story is getting better on that.
So, if it's not MWT, what branch was developing it?
Wait.... none of the Ministries? So, something working outside of them? He did say Special Forces, so is this a strictly military things? Or, some rogue branch of something?
So, doing it so secretly to prevent any chance of spies learning about it? That... makes sense. Wonder if this was around the time the whole Zecora things went down, making them question a few things.
Okay, so on orders from The Princess, so not rogue, but still not anything doing with the Ministries, which if it's about keeping it secret... could make sense. The ministries were large, but no reason they had to control EVERYTHING.
Ohhhh so, it's made out of Starmetal? Nice! Wait.. were they building a weapon to be Luna's own personal firearm?
So, that explains the ammo issue, or lack there of. Hopefully they built in some kind of limiter or interlock, or safety feature that prevents accidentally doing so, that stops it from firing the last bit of Starmetal and making the whole thing useless.
... So it was a personal weapon for Luna. That.... is rather awesome. The image of Luna going to town with a freaking minigun? oh HELL YES!
Ohhh I like this. Again the story does amazing when it takes the time to ad these little touches. More of this stuff please!
Okay, this weapon is freaking AWESOME! So... yeah, can see this might be OP, or Mary Sue, or to extra special to some, and it is a slight stretch for what we do know but... not a lot. I could see this working. Granted the biggest issue is that we never heard of Starmetal working this way. But then again, we didn't really SEE any Starmetal. There was that one rock, but it could have just been a leftover, non-metallic chunk of a meteor. Or one that didn't have Starmetal in it. How the hell it able to regrow itself is rather odd, where does it get the energy from? The mass? But, could be some way it makes sense, magic after all. Do like the little details about the explanation, make the whole things feel more believable. Overall, damn.. that is rather impressive. Still some questions, but that answered a lot, and then some. So, wow, me like.
Ohhh another memory orb! Also, really loved her reaction to this, understated, contemplative, but still underscoring that this is something important, even if she isn't sure how or why. Subtle, but deep and.... damn that was good.
Huh... how? Littlepip could never get anything from her hosts thoughts or feelings. Though, could be being part of unity made her more sensitive to that type of thing, able to pick up cues. Or, could just be a physical thing, more able to notice the tiny details about heart rate, movements, expression, tiny little hints about overall feeling. Not in a way that she could express, but enough to give her an overall feeling.
No major point here, just interesting thought that popped in my head.
....... Damn. Go go weaponized Sonic Rain-Nukes. And multiple ones. And.. I'm alright with her having trained other ponies to do Rain Booms. As with the telepathy thing, it's proving it's possible that tends to be the hardest. And we know some pegasi in the 'present' (Wastes) can do it, even discounting Ditzy's radiation powered one. plus, Powered Armor, likely gives them a slight boost to push that far.
Why would Twilight be overseeing battle plans? She wasn't a front line fighter, or a strategist. She built and created magical stuff. RD was the only one that had an active roll in the actual fighting itself.
See and I was even going to make some guesses that she might be here overseeing the field test of a new project. That would make sense.
Okay, this whole bit about RD and her Ministry.... freaking LOVE IT! It only raises one slight issue with me. How the buck can Star know this much detail about that, and not know what a freaking Bloodwing was without being told? Or all the other stuff she should know but doesn't? But yeah this was awesome and, pretty damn amazing all around. plus, yeah RD is a lot smarter then ponies and people give her credit for. Hell I've seen some rather compelling arguments, and agree with them, that RD is actually the second smartest of the mane 6 after Twilight. It's just she will only devote that intellect to things she finds interesting. And is to lazy to bother thinking when she doesn't need to, or when she wants to. Along with being very very impulsive. She could think a lot more and be damn good at it, she just doesn't see a point most of the time.
That, plus all the times she's helped save your flank. But YAY! Shiny!
How can she determine all this just from a glance? Or.... is it just residual memories from Twi giving her that little extra information subconsciously?
you killed Shiny! YOU BASTARD!
Okay, very emotional scene, pretty well done and, not rushed. Just, well done overall. Except for one thing.... why the bucking hell did he only pop a shield around those two, rather then the entire freaking tent? He could make a shield big enough to cover an entire city, so again, why just the tiny little one like that?
Okay, not quite sure how to feel about this. This could be seen as just gratuitous death for the sake of drama and making things feel like they matter. But really, it's not... this was a war, and we know ponies did die. And it hardly impacts the main story that much, impacts Star right now. These are all recordings, they already happened. It was a war, and Shining dying in battle was a definite possibility. We just never heard of him in FoE because, well he didn't exist.
Hell could even work out why he wasn't mentioned in 'verse. Either there simply wasn't that much know about him by that point, he was a rather minor matter. Or there was a few things Littlepip came across, just minor little bits here and there, but none of them mentioned him as Twi's brother, just his military roll, and since he didn't factor into any of the major things she was focusing on, never paid attention and they were one of those things she simply never mentioned or edited out to make her story workable. So plausible reasons.
So yeah, can't say this was perfect, but it was pretty damn well done. The only iffy part is, again, why the hell he didn't put a shield up around the entire tent.
Once again, redunt, once again.
See, this is why you make sure the rest of your friends are awake and watching. But, what is it now? Discord back? Greed? Some new issue?
Why do I believe we have pinkie to think for this somehow?
That would have been my second guess.
And rather odd to be doing a win/lose for Roulette. Given the wide variety of possible bets, she could just keep betting on red/black and have 50/50 odds. With all the other odds being stupid to take for this, yeah they have better payouts, but less chance of wining and all she needs is a win, not an amount. If you are doing roulette, should have given her a "Make x amount of chips in Y rounds" Or not even a 'Y rounds" but simply at all. but she'd be driven to make it in as few spins as possible because each spin was a chance one of her friends would die. So have a reason to take the riskier, longer odd bets. Really help the drama here.
I am not sure if that is hilarious, incredibly fucking stupid, or so incredibly freaking stupid it's hilarious.
But yeah, this, could have been so much more dramatic, had so much more impact but, it's rather flat. And why is he playing around? How much power did he lose? Why?
You're not the only one.
how could it be entirely out of clouds? What would the screen be? the case? Yeah the pegasi had cloud based computers only they could use, but the whole things wasn't cloud, just the interface was cloud based.
Not sure if that is meant as a joke or not, but either way...
RAINBOW!!! So, is that her own personal override password that would get her into all MAW computers, or did she simply require all her ponies to use that as the only password, because she doesn't understand the concept of 'password'?
D'aww that's really cute.
So, this one likely came directly from RD's collection... well the one Littlepip got came from Scootaloo, but she could have gotten her's from one of the other sets. So... how close were RD and Thunder Lane? Then again I do like the one theory I saw that the Mane 6 all gave away the statuette of themselves pretty quick, or at least wanted to have that around the least, because it felt odd to them, being so close to an echo of themselves.
Book of Littlepip.... READ IT!
Fires? Why.. why would anything in there be on fire?
The only option now is to take her with you.
........... Somepony finally acknowledging that Star should know all this stuff she keeps asking about simply to get the exposition out of the way for the very very rare few people that are reading this without having read FoE? I am loving this chapter!
Though, while it's a good enough description of the NCR, it kind of fails to remember it's also got The Talons backing it up.
That.. makes a lot of sense. I like these ponies already.
You know what.. forget Discord. Her true mortal enemy? King Sombra. And yes I do love these little lists.
Are we talking, dancing in the middle of the lobby with a lampshade on your head to music only you can hear 'too much'. Or, wake up the next morning in bed with both Patch and Iris, feeling sore all over, yet not able to remember anything about what happened, and not sure if you should be glad, or sad about hat too much?
Oh, are is it, began passionately making out with your mare friend, only to discover a few ways into it just as things are getting interesting you grabbed the wrong green mare too much?"
And Star is hilarious when she's drunk.
This chapter... this chapter... damn it was good, story seems to be getting on the right track, slowing down a bit, a few spots that could have been a bit less rushed, but that's mostly now just me being nitpicky. Overall, damn this was good. Like Discord, the implications he's been depowered somewhat and that's why he hasn't been an active force in the Wastes, he needs Star's power, or whatever power is growing in her and triggered this. So, good on that so far. More hints about this being a lot bigger then Star realizes, building things up.
Loved the reveal on Stargazer, though again, why the buck didn't you give her this immediately when she took the gun Steeljack? That's not a clever pony! Does raise some more questions, but ones that aren't to pressing.
Few small thigns that didn't quite feel right, but could just be an issue of our point of view being to lazy to really learn what is actaully going on.
Shining Armor........ conflicted. It was pretty well done, makes sense but at the same time.. ehhhhhh.... just, feels... a little off. But that's mostly a personal thing, or seeing how someone could have an issue with it. All around, it was well done. Other then, again, why the buck didn't he shield the entire tent?
But all around, this chapter was a pretty big improvement on things, and pretty much the best one yet for me, great job.
DIscord's role in this story is really testing my resolve. I think he needs a good bit more finesse to work than what you've written him with. Also I'm gagging on the "my love" stuff; it's just more proof that the relationship was rushed. And did you seriously introduce Shining Armor to the setting only to kill him off in the same scene?
NCR though? Sure is New Vegas in here. :V (It's really weird, actually knowing something about the games while reading this. I knew nothing when I was reading the original.)
Awesome chapter!!!
"It's the Killer. Do not Die."