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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh my god Chapter 2. It's done! This took me all week, some section rewriting and lots of research to get right.
Oh, and a little Twirity for added measure.
What can I say though, my two favorite characters!
Woho great chapter i like these "explore the past" parts of these fics, because i think it's a vital part of Fallout to find these bits and snips of old recordings or, in case of FO:E, Memorys that explain how it was before everything went to hell.
Btw. Twi is best Pony (next to Pinkie!)
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Thanks for the kind words! That as well was one of the biggest things I liked about the original FO:E and the Fallout series as well.
Also you might notice... I went this route without memory orbs, and I felt this was the most important part of it. The experiences Star is having are like memory orbs in that she is in a host and reliving these memories, but they're coming from Twilight's emotions and her different parts of her personality.
That isn't to say you won't see any memory orbs in this story, you sure will. But they won't necessarily be Twilight's memories.
Rarity is ultimately my favorite of the two, and I hope I managed to capture her well in this chapter.
In FO:E Fanon though, Blackjack is totally best pony!
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In FO:E Blackjack the Queen Whiskey is definitely best pony.
About Rarity in this chapter, i think you managed to capture her quite well.
Wow great story looking forward to reading more ^^, also have you read misfits?
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Pretty well caught up on most FoE Sidefics, including that one. I really like that one actually. Snakebite is such a great character.
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You'll see it soon enough. Absent minded as Star is, she tends to forget which powers she has access to. She was also originally a blue, so she was more versed in invisibility than shielding.
Thanks for the comment!
Also, in addition to my PM, Like, yep, definitely.
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Thank you! I sent you a message back. Thanks for catching those things for me.
For that Spaceballs quote alone, I give you five out of five moustaches.
Tssk, off shipping Twi now? Ah well. We'll see where it leads
> Was she starting to take over more parts of my body?
Sounds kinda odd. She hasn't exactly been taking over parts of her body at all, has she? It's not like she suddenly loses control of her front left hoof or something.
Some corrections:
> It’s easier to kill each other then it is to love and tolerate.
Should be "than". The word "then" is only used in relation to time.
> Someponies like to have heroes is all.
Should be "Some ponies", since it can't be replaced by "somebodies".
> Manehatten
Manehattan. And yes, I looked that up in the original FO:E. Even "Manhatten" is simply utterly incorrect.
Awww.
That kiss was cute...
The PipBuck pulled up a diagnostics screen that scrolled through a bunch of letters and numbers, before entering in the password of ‘123456.’ Really? That almost sounds like a combination someone would have on their luggage for Celestia’s sake!
So close to being a spaceballs reference... unfortunately, the combination in the movie was '12345'.
I am enjoying this, and I shalt read more at a later date.
I'm a big fan of the original story, and starting to read this story, I'm getting hooked just as quickly! Love it so far!
FIW reference there!, no anypony?, no?
Nlking loud should do the trick...friendship is witchcraft :3 I farted
Okay, I'm making the call: Radiant Star is Twilight Sparkle... or, more precisely is Twilight Sparkle's body. Remember that the Goddess physically transformed Twilight and absorbed her mind. So, it is possible that Radiant Star is a new personality inhabiting the formerly Unity-controlled blank that was her body.
This raises an interesting philosophical question - Does Star really exist or is she just a persona that Twilight has created to function as her psyche rebuilds itself? Something tells me that the answer of this question will be a significant aspect of the outcome of t his tale.
.. That opening..... these little bits alone are enough to make me want to read this entire story, and give anything that looks iffy a massive amount of benefit of the doubt. Simply for.. how powerful, and well done and, simply amazing they are. Using themes or ideas from the original, looking at them from a certain light, exploring them, while being so simple. They are amazingly well done and really great look at another POV on things. One that still fits with the overall world and just... lines like this...
Just.... that line is.. so damn good. Such a great contrast between their name for her, while acknowledging what she was doing, that she was trying to help them. And did do a lot to aid them. But still destroyed much of who they were. These alone make using a Alicorn as the POV character such an amazing choice.
Are the other two going to have to make sure her and that gun have plenty of 'alone' time while they travel?
But, the bit up to this, yeah really rushed and 'telly'. It makes sense, gets things handled well, but just, no emotion to it. Just a quick summery of things. Yet at the same time, well done aside from that. Quick, effective, and really I don't mind it. Would have liked more but, I almost always like more. So yeah another point of, not really 'bad' but not great either just.. serviceable.
...
That broadcast. aka "Plot conveniently timed news radio." that is one of the less well known or talked about powers of Wasteland Heroes, being able to tune into the radio at just the right moment to hear the latest news about their exploits, or some other issue they need to deal with.
But, the actual bit, first response was "Even for homage, that is way to quic... oh right.. she was out for a day and half in there, never mind." Second was, so this means that she's back from her trip with Velvet and others to find the last two bearers? Cause otherwise, how could she see this even that fast without still living in the MASEBS HQ? So, successful? Or give up and return home for now? or... what?
but at least this story has an easy way out of an issue a lot of other stories run into with regards to DJ, since this is all after Littlepip's journey, no "Why did we never hear about this stuff from DJ during the story?" questions from stories taking place at the same time that have DJ talk about events.
Also...
Yes, but generally through medical aid, teaching them, training, help through knowledge or direct care giving.. stuff like that. Not blowing the shit out of some killer robots. That's usually the Applejack rangers job to help in that respect.
Okay...so even longer... that was just poor set up and establishment, felt like this was taking place like, right after they left.
Love it. Also really like her reaction, just, wanting to be normal... for her.. not trying to be a hero.. would have loved the story to go a bit more in depth with this, and hope it does come up again.
Okay.... I get she's a bit scatterbrained, and tends to drift off and lose focus but....being SO out of it they pass an entire town without comment? That daydream didn't take that long. She should have known they were near New Appleloosa. So telling her that is.. rather badly placed exposition. And being close to Shattered Hoof? Those two aren't all that close. It took the group a good few days of hard travel to get there, and that was starting from the train tracks quite a ways from New Appleloosa in the first place.
Yeah no way they could make the trek, on hoof, that quick. Though... they must be fairly close, given Gawd managed to get a squad to fly there in a few hours after the attack. but it still took hours by air, while booking it to get there ASAP.
Also.. shattered Hoof? So this is before they officially formed into the NCR?
Ummm, so has likely everypony in the Wastes at this point... I could see some from the middle of nowhere not knowing, but you'd think all the Followers, and especially all the Alicorns would have read The Book of Littlepip by now. Though.. could be she was supposed to and simply put it off, or wasn't paying attention to a lot of it.
When? We JUST saw the entire conversation between you three about this, and he didn't say anything else. This isn't just telling and not showing, this is.. a whole new level of goof.
You know.... I'd say I was surprised but... I really shouldn't be.
Oh.. so, just their own friendly little greeting... heh, not bad.
Okay, so the overall Enclave has been beaten down, but still dangerous remnants of them around. makes sens for the time line so far.
Seriously? Has she not herd any stories about The Destroy beyond the most basic?
Hmmm, a bit heavy hoofed, unsubtle, and direct about it. But, like the characterization and bits about his past, and what he's like. Just could have done with some better delivery of it.
Okay, somepony get a copy of the book of Littlepip and copy it to her PipBuck, give her something to read during the trip.
Granted, her needing to be told these things does give a way to let readers that might not have read or have forgotten stuff from the original. An excuse to get some quick exposition out that some might need, and it doesn't go into to much detail just a quick line to get everyone reading up to speed, so not 'bad' but just feels like it could be worked in a lot better, and odd she doesn't know these things which you'd think she should. Granted a lot of that could be chalked up to her simply never paying attention when ponies were trying to teach her these things. But you'd think she'd have to show at least some knowledge of the dangers she'd face out thrre, like Bloodwings, before being fully accepted into the Followers.
Or out of it either.
Nice one.
Well, this was all brand new to them, terminals only started showing up like a decade or two before this point. And weren't really that wide spread before the end.
It also fits in with the whole "Making every mistake that's been made, all at once due to not knowing better" theme of the entire war.
...
That whole journal entry. Pretty sweet, do like the dynamic, and it feels mostly genuine. But at the same time, a bit heavy hoofed. A little too overdone and direct. Could have been a bit more subtle.
***
See that actual memory bit was a lot better done. Sure still direct but, not as much so and, with some left up to guess. Like just when this takes place. Likely before she creates the Figurines. And... so no need to wonder how she finds just the right memory orb at just the right time, I kind of like this. Though will depend how it's used overall.
Agreed.
Wait... doesn't Iris have a PipBuck too? If so, she should just be able to track Star's PipBuck tag to find her.
Oh BUCK YEAH! (Do like the little update bit, again this story does really really well with the tiny details like that.)
Then you have things like this... how do you get a new gun, and one of the first things you find do not be to figure out how to load it, what type of ammo, all that stuff? I know she's a slacker, but this is pushing it.
That sentence just sound really awkward.
She had a whole suite and complete personal set up in Tenpony... why would she need to stay at a hotel? then again I could see her seeing that stuff as not hers, not wanting to take advantage of the perks of her office like that... so okay story I'll give you pass on that one. Also Ministry is misspelled. And only noticed when I was going over my own mess of typos and the little red squiggle made me fix it without realizing it wasn't something I typed.
It's going to be a Statuette isn't it?
getting Bioshock flashbacks here.
I'd call plot convenience but.. it does make sense a memory she was specifically looking for would show up.
Kind of hope it is what I think it is.. she really needs that INT boost. Both for missing something that obvious, and for thinking taking the elevators in this place is a good idea. You have wings! Just fly up to a window on the level and break in.
...
And rather glad they don't work, that.. would have been quite a stretch for them not to be broken.
Is this going to be her thing? like with Littlepip finding newer and odder things whose illogic broke her brain? Star tries to rate just what the worst thing in the Wastes is?
..... The what?
Okay, her seeing the last two, they made sense, just.. vision brought on by memory fragments. But seeing something Twi wasn't there for? How the hell is she doing this?
Initiate Red Dwarf Protocol Alpha!
Oooookay... this was going good and, yeh saw this coming... not sure how to feel about this. one the one hoof, shes stressed, vulnerable, lonely, could just be an impulsive reaction due to all of that. Not crazy about the idea but it could work. Then again.. trying to force a romance into things.. especially between the mane 6.. really don't like that idea.... but see where this goes.
...
So just the quick, burst of emotion thing? that could work and, yeah make sense, given how stressed on edge, how much Twi is dealing with...
***
..... Anger...... holy fuck. Okay.. not sure how I feel overall, other then really really freaking creepped out. Anger is going to be a pretty big deal isn't she? Cuase damn.. that was a bit scary.... good job on her.
.... Yeah can't argue with that to much...
CALLED IT!
Though figured it would be the Twilight one. Though... Where'd it come from? Twi gave her complete set to Spike, and it was implied Rarity gave her copy of her own to Sweetie. Though... could have been one of the other sets Sweetie got.
BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Though, that's from one where it was just starting to go to shit at least. (Yeah don't care for that series much, liked it at first, went downhill fast.)
Overall, about on par with the last chapter. Action was decent. Nothing amazing, but fairly good overall. Still points that felt a tad to quick, rushed, or telly, but once more not to story breaking levels or ones that ruin anything. Just, that when this story is good, it's really good, and the parts that don't measure up, which are still pretty decent on their own, simply feel a bit dimmer in comparison.
Rarity and Twi... ehhhh they felt alright, not "OMG you captured them perfectly this is so them" but enough you could tell who they were more or less. Again decent job. More so on Rarity then Twi, but again any issues could just be the result of all the stress they are under.
Mentioned most of the rest already. But yeah another good chapter.
Now I feel the sudden irrational urge to hate you that's it worst story ever -123456/10
But seriously.. yeeeaahhh.... I really really, REALLY fucking loathe that story and everything about it.
If I take this as a novel way to tell the story of Twilight Sparkle during the war, it's pretty interesting.
Otherwise, it's a story about an uninteresting character doing video game things in the Wasteland that I've already seen done better in the original, not to mention the occasional scene of mostly uninteresting details about the past because, once again, the original covered the really important, interesting stuff already.
But even if I do, Star's not that great a character. :/
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I'm glad I checked the comments because, once again, Fimfic's not notifying me when you reply. :| Thank you for that answer, though, I will just sort of ignore any writing slipups and assume you fixed them. :V
If you are going to revise chapter 1 you might want to do more with steeljack because its not very clear why he joined the quest. Given the suspiscious and violent nature of the wasteland that hooking up part just seems to need more glue.
Quitting a cushysecurity job seemed abrupt. Thats the only OOC issue i've had so far. The speed woth which she picked up on using a pipbuck seemed a bittoo fast also especially if that was her first time.
Awesome chapter!!!
Whe i first read hoofton i saw hoofington and thought is project horizons canon in this?