I'm a Pegasister new to writing pony fiction, and I can't wait to start writing! My favorite ponies are Twilight, Luna, the Great and Powerful Trixie, Rarity and Derpy.
Lyra Heartstrings wasn't always a pony. She didn't always live in Equestria. Her abusive family made her believe that she was useless, worth nothing. But when an experiment goes wrong, Lyra's life turns upside down.
Keep in mind that this was my very first fic I ever wrote, and most of it (or all of it) could definitely stand a rewrite. Looking for an editor! Please respond if you're interested!
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FIRST
It was pretty good in my opinion but, the ending felt kinda rushed. Other than that, 4/5 from me..
Daaaaaw. Valentine is a dick.
The ending was... how do I say this... Rushed. Almost as much as Pinkie Pie on speed. It was a good idea, and a okay story though. Nice little read. unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/slow-clap.gif
Well, I found some new head-canon today.
This was a wonderful one-shot, and I hope to see more from you.
Well... this was...
Rushed and a pretty poor attempt at plucking the heart strings.
Hmm... I like the idea. Err, correction; I really like the idea. The only problem is the length. It could be much, much longer, at least upwards of 5,000 words. Other than that, It's a good story!
Stupid Valentine.
The ending was a little rushed, but I thought it was a great read and a nice head-canon.
It's all pretty rushed and very melodramatic. Other than "Heartstrings" being a weird last name for a human, "Bob" is incredibly generic, while "Hilda" and "Valentine" are out of nowhere.
Also, Lyra just gets a "feeling" that her parents will stop loving her, and for some reason they do? It's a natural fear for children who get a younger sibling that they'll be replaced, but it rarely happens. For some reason, Lyra's family is just evil and corrupt. It doesn't make much sense. And there's no real reason for her parents hating "inventing." The word gets awkward when you repeat it, too. Isn't working with chemicals more like experimenting, anyway?
You've got a lot of cases of avoiding the word "said." That accounts for the melodramatic feel, I guess. Your characters "scream," "bark," "roar," and all kinds of other things. It's clear from the dialogue how it would be said, so those words aren't adding anything. The word "said" is often ignored, and helps immerse readers in the story since they aren't distracted by all the weird dialogue tags.
The potion and portal come out of absolutely nowhere. I think that's another pacing issue - explain why those things happen. You mentioned her favorite toy was a pony, so I guess that kind of leads into wanting to become one. You never said much about her impressions of Equestria, either. She just suddenly becomes friends with Bon-Bon and it's over.
If it was longer, with more interesting character interaction, it could be a good story.
Stranger falls from sky.
Make new friend, call it a family.
Sounds legit.
375798
Thanks so much for suggesting all that! I'm going to start working on changes soon.
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375752
It was a botched first attempt, and I wrote it in literally less than an hour. But thanks for your criticism, it's greatly appreciated
alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/png/happy-i-see-what-you-did-there-(clean).png
A pretty good story, and I'll be happy to help you if you need it
375947
Me Gusta Mucho, Señor.
I agree with the popular rushing comments, but it was REALLY
good.
Rushed, but i say 4/5 for you!
I liked it but it was a bit too rushed still good story! 4.5 derpys for you!
Listen to everypony out there! They're right!
It wasn't just the ending though, the entire story felt a bit rushed from the very beginning. Take the time to build the exposition and tension (eg there's no need to name the characters right off the bat, you could even reveal their names in an organic way.)
A few suggestions that may help?: Imagine the reader as a non-omniscient invisible ghost who just stumbled on the scene and can't teleport. That might help slow things down and allow you to perhaps do flashbacks or something and fill in chunks. Also: show, don't tell. Part of the rush felt by the readers probably due to this. (eg take a look at the last three sentences. "felt warm inside", "no longer incomplete", "found her family"... Umm, what? You didn't take the time to sufficiently demonstrate this)
The rushed story left several questions unanswered. Why do Lyra's parents not value her? Why do they value Valentine more? Where did she get science materials if they were so opposed to her doing "science"/inventing? How does Lyra loving science as a human connect with Lyra loving humans as a pony? How does such a poor relationship with humans as a human lead Lyra the pony to be interested in humans???
Of course, there's no need to answer any of the questions, but it would be nice to subtly acknowledge them and use the unanswered questions as tension and the bait to keep readers hooked.
I hoped my suggestions helped!
Cheers!
This plot idea has potential, but in order to realize it, you would have to lengthen and add more content to it to accomplish this
it needs a sequel...
it has a ton of potential for a series...