• Member Since 30th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Sunday

The Infinity Doctor


Remember, the future starts, with YOU!

T
Source

Beware the Shadow Colt, for it is neither good nor evil.
Beware the Shadow Colt, for its stare will turn you to stone.
Beware the Shadow Colt, beware its intentions, good and bad.
Beware the Shadow Colt, it is a creature of Chaos and Harmony.
Beware the Shadow Colt, for when it draws near,
Take heed and turn away in fear.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 37 )

Ha! I got a laugh out of the last line.:rainbowlaugh:

4082468 Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. I thought that would be the sort of thing Button's mom would say :rainbowlaugh:

Observations: Ch1

Colt is a protector, of sorts, said to have
been summoned by the lunar princess herself in order to drive out the creatures that seek to harm us, while the

Unnecessary break mid sentence in the middle of a paragraph. Very strange.

expect to see it for more than a few seconds, for
it posesses magic, though it lacks a horn; the source of this magic is unknown, more research is required in order

Another unnecessary break. Not a good sign.
possesses has 5 "s"s.

X X X X X X X

WTF is this?


Not sure what to make of this chapter.


Observations: Ch2

Most people proclaim that they are home before going to their room. Button must be a rebel.

Sweetie Mash

The stallion's coat (he assumed it was a stallion)

Button should have a perfectly clear view of Endarpony's junk. No need to assume anything.

gulped and prayed he
was making the right decision. He took one ear into his mouth and tugged, he saw the stallion wince as he

Another break.

Most foals would freakout at the sight of Endarpony, slam the door shut, lock the door, and hide under the bed. Button must not be afraid of monsters.

he looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days.

What? Sleeping outside on the ground not an option?

Button's mom needs to give Button the lesson on not talking to strangers or letting them into your home.

I guess the next chapter will be Love Tap Button's mom taking the Endarpony to the hospital to have his wounds treated and report him to the authorities. Things about to get interesting.

4082945 You can blame the formatting for the unecessary line breaks, as for the spelling mistakes, I'll go back and fix those. Thanks for you interest!

specie

It's species :twilightsheepish:

4082945 The "X"s are a time pass:rainbowwild:

whole head taller than the princesses

Princesses

--------------------------------
Not many have seen the Shadow Colt, those who have claim it to be three ponies high, a whole head taller than the princesses, completely black with no mane or tail, and piercing eyes of a dragon, their white-hot irises contrasting with the rest of their glowing purple eyes.

This sounds awkward.
Say it aloud and see.

----------------------------------------
Some say just staring it in the eyes for just a few minutes is enough to drive a pony insane, turning them into a shell of their former selves.

Some say,

------------------------------------

Good start.

"Same as any other day" the colt responded.

other day,"

------------------------
"Uh-huh"

"Uh-huh."

----------------------------------
"Moooooooommm" the colt groaned "I said I don't like her"

"Moooooooommm,"
"I said I don't like her." or "I said I don't like her!"

Need to add punctuation for dialog.
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm
----------------------------------------------
"I'm just messing with you"

"I'm just messing with you,"

----------------------------------------
"Yes mom" the colt replied.

"Be sure to finish your homework"

"Yes mom" the colt replied again.

"Yes mom," the colt replied.

"Be sure to finish your homework,"

"Yes mom," the colt replied again.

Need to add punctuation for dialog.
Since Button mash replied twice, he might be a bit annoyed the second time.
-------------------------------------
He didn't get much farther than that as his little snout hit the book, out cold.

Little snout is the last subject so readers could think that his snout was out cold and not Button Mash. Need to clarify this a bit.

You might want to use further instead.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/farther-vs-further/
-------------------------------------
Button took the opporitunity

opportunity

If you have problems spelling a word, just throw it into google and you usually will get the correct spelling.
Can also look it up in a dictionary too.
----------------------------------------
Cool read.

Seems interesting, but I don't play minecraft so could you explain to me what exactly a enderman can do. Please?:applecry: Oh and also, first!

4152368
They can teleport, pick up and place blocks, only become angry if looked in the eyes, have the most health and deal the most damage, take damage in water and rain.

'Tinker Strike , Minecrafter'

4153999Thanks, to both you and the infinity doctor

Oh sweet Celestia, another story that needs help.

You're going too fast, show, don't tell. Instead of telling

She opened the door and left the house

Try showing

She walked downstairs and twisted the knob, slowly opening the door, it's hinges squealing in protest, she walked through and closed the door behind her, beginning another day

See the difference?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you lost me.

'Damn wolves...'

Timberwolves collect pearls.

"Those wounds look extensive, should I take you to the hospital?"

This story is called "Endercolt Goes To The Hospital" so yes.

amber eyes and beanie spinning atop his head
adding to the effect.

Red Alert! Extra line break detected!

"The trip would be too dangerous in the first place, much less with an injured leg"

Teleporting is even more dangerous. Just ask Dr McCoy.

I sat at the dinner table (on the floor, naturally)

Mash family is too poor to afford cushions.

"What do you think of him?" Mom asked quietly, looking to the living room.
"He's real tall..." I responded.
"Yes, but did you notice anything...off...about him?"
"He didn't have a cutie mark"
"Yes, but no, something just seemed odd with him...I can't place my hoof on it..."
"Nopony looks like him, that's for sure"
"Maybe the library has a book on ponies like him"
"Ms. Cheerilee could know"

Chapter 3 and we still have exposition conversations and talking statues.
Also, why is this chapter in first person.

I grinned as I silently walked behind her and put my muzzle to her ear.
"Boo"

Tender Love has no reason to let Enderpony stay in her home. Why is Enderpony giving her reasons to kick him out?

"Don't do that!" she cried, her face a slight shade of red.

...
...
This isn't a ship setup is it? I certainly hope not. The horror.

Story title uses the word "Endercolt" yet Enderpoy is a stallion not a colt.

Did you watch some Neighponese Tv!?!?

Tender Love changed her name to Loving Care because magic. :facehoof:
Also, fuck the first person narrative.

"I dunno, something to do with short-range gravity manipulators?"

That doesn't makes sense in our universe ether Love.

She made a demonstration of placing her hoof on the fork, then picking up the fork.

hooves == hands because magic.

"Nope, it was a burglar" he responded "just directed him to where your valuables were"

Enderpony really wants that kick out the door. :ajsmug:

"I almost forgot...do you have a name, or can I just keep referring to you as 'him'?"

Why not Bubblegum? I understand endermeat is quite chewy. :pinkiehappy:

sprawled out on the floor, was the stallion. Unconscious as he practically foamed at the mouth, twitching sporadically as he lay there.

and welcome back to chapter 2. :facehoof:

Is that it? All you have done this chapter is establish that hooves are functionally equivalent to hands, Bubblegum has a secret identity, and Bubblegum really does need to go to the hospital.

...please tell me he didn't eat the fork...

Comment posted by Cloudy Days deleted Jul 30th, 2014

4549048 I'm sorry you didn't like it, I was actually trying to go for something original...I'm sorry, again...
(The character is an Ender Dragon now, by the way, but it's only temporary, that's what I was planning)

I apologize. I was a bit cranky last night, but this story does need a lot of work. Here are some suggestions.

1. All characters deserve a name. Even a nickname will do. If the author does not pick a name the fans will.

2. All characters need to be three dimensional. This means that the characters have motivations, desires, and realities that extend beyond the scope of the story.
Example: Button's Mom works second shift at Ponyvile Hospital as an RN specializing in postnatal care. This is why the receptionist at the hospital knew who she was and why she knows so much about trauma injuries. This information, while important, is not entirely relevant to the story so there is no need to mention it directly.

3. All characters need to have a minnimun of 2 strengths and 2 weekness that differentiate their personalities from other characters. Creating a character profile in a word document is an easy way to keep track of these traits and make your characters more consistent.
Example:
Button Mash:
Strengths:
Non-Judgmental: Button wants to be friends with everyone regardless of who they are or what they have done.
Puzzle Master: If it can be solved Button will solve it.
Weaknesses:
Socially Awkward: Ineffective at responding to social situations.
Obsessive: Once Button gets fixed on a goal, he can't do anything else until it is completed, including sleep.

4552394 I've been there, it's alright, and you're right, I'm not the best writer, and I'm going to try a bit harder at this.

Ermigherd I'm so confused

4554623
:rainbowwild: And yet you keep coming back for more.

4568210
Well, it's still a good story, it's just the plotline is confusing

4568287
I'm not sure if Infinity Doctor knows where he is going with this. He has some interesting ideas, but he needs to develop them better and elaborate more.

Also, Discord.

Wait, this is an HiE? Wow. Spoiler alert, dude! I was just reading to see what Button does about a creature from minecraft showing up at his house. I had no idea he'd be a human...

Well, onto the next chapter!

What if . . . . . Lover Tap x Enderman? Wouldn't it be interesting for Button to have a (new/step) dad? Especially one with his own spooky lore AND can transform into a dragon? I'd like to read something like that.

could be longer.

what...just...happend?

Strangely calm reaction from her. Then again, maybe she saw this one coming. (Or she has LSD somewhere...:ajsmug:)

Comment posted by NotBurgerShot deleted Feb 25th, 2017
Comment posted by NotBurgerShot deleted Feb 25th, 2017

this story seems to be mostly based around comedy, and i think it does a nice job with the dynamic between buttons mother and the main character, a shame it seems this fic is dead.

Login or register to comment