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Beware the Shadow Colt, for it is neither good nor evil.
Beware the Shadow Colt, for its stare will turn you to stone.
Beware the Shadow Colt, beware its intentions, good and bad.
Beware the Shadow Colt, it is a creature of Chaos and Harmony.
Beware the Shadow Colt, for when it draws near,
Take heed and turn away in fear.
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Ha! I got a laugh out of the last line.
4082468 Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. I thought that would be the sort of thing Button's mom would say
Observations: Ch1
Unnecessary break mid sentence in the middle of a paragraph. Very strange.
Another unnecessary break. Not a good sign.
possesses has 5 "s"s.
WTF is this?
Not sure what to make of this chapter.
Observations: Ch2
Most people proclaim that they are home before going to their room. Button must be a rebel.
Sweetie Mash
Button should have a perfectly clear view of Endarpony's junk. No need to assume anything.
Another break.
Most foals would freakout at the sight of Endarpony, slam the door shut, lock the door, and hide under the bed. Button must not be afraid of monsters.
What? Sleeping outside on the ground not an option?
Button's mom needs to give Button the lesson on not talking to strangers or letting them into your home.
I guess the next chapter will be
Love TapButton's mom taking the Endarpony to the hospital to have his wounds treated and report him to the authorities. Things about to get interesting.4082945 You can blame the formatting for the unecessary line breaks, as for the spelling mistakes, I'll go back and fix those. Thanks for you interest!
It's species
4082945 The "X"s are a time pass
whole head taller than the princesses
Princesses
--------------------------------
Not many have seen the Shadow Colt, those who have claim it to be three ponies high, a whole head taller than the princesses, completely black with no mane or tail, and piercing eyes of a dragon, their white-hot irises contrasting with the rest of their glowing purple eyes.
This sounds awkward.
Say it aloud and see.
----------------------------------------
Some say just staring it in the eyes for just a few minutes is enough to drive a pony insane, turning them into a shell of their former selves.
Some say,
------------------------------------
Good start.
"Same as any other day" the colt responded.
other day,"
------------------------
"Uh-huh"
"Uh-huh."
----------------------------------
"Moooooooommm" the colt groaned "I said I don't like her"
"Moooooooommm,"
"I said I don't like her." or "I said I don't like her!"
Need to add punctuation for dialog.
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm
----------------------------------------------
"I'm just messing with you"
"I'm just messing with you,"
----------------------------------------
"Yes mom" the colt replied.
"Be sure to finish your homework"
"Yes mom" the colt replied again.
"Yes mom," the colt replied.
"Be sure to finish your homework,"
"Yes mom," the colt replied again.
Need to add punctuation for dialog.
Since Button mash replied twice, he might be a bit annoyed the second time.
-------------------------------------
He didn't get much farther than that as his little snout hit the book, out cold.
Little snout is the last subject so readers could think that his snout was out cold and not Button Mash. Need to clarify this a bit.
You might want to use further instead.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/farther-vs-further/
-------------------------------------
Button took the opporitunity
opportunity
If you have problems spelling a word, just throw it into google and you usually will get the correct spelling.
Can also look it up in a dictionary too.
----------------------------------------
Cool read.
4152368 Here's the link to their description, hope it helps.
4152368
They can teleport, pick up and place blocks, only become angry if looked in the eyes, have the most health and deal the most damage, take damage in water and rain.
'Tinker Strike , Minecrafter'
Oh sweet Celestia, another story that needs help.
You're going too fast, show, don't tell. Instead of telling
Try showing
See the difference?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you lost me.
Timberwolves collect pearls.
This story is called "Endercolt Goes To The Hospital" so yes.
Red Alert! Extra line break detected!
Teleporting is even more dangerous. Just ask Dr McCoy.
Mash family is too poor to afford cushions.
Chapter 3 and we still have exposition conversations and talking statues.
Also, why is this chapter in first person.
Tender Love has no reason to let Enderpony stay in her home. Why is Enderpony giving her reasons to kick him out?
...
...
This isn't a ship setup is it? I certainly hope not. The horror.
Story title uses the word "Endercolt" yet Enderpoy is a stallion not a colt.
Did you watch some Neighponese Tv!?!?
Tender Love changed her name to Loving Care because magic.
Also, fuck the first person narrative.
That doesn't makes sense in our universe ether Love.
hooves == hands because magic.
Enderpony really wants that kick out the door.
Why not Bubblegum? I understand endermeat is quite chewy.
and welcome back to chapter 2.
Is that it? All you have done this chapter is establish that hooves are functionally equivalent to hands, Bubblegum has a secret identity, and Bubblegum really does need to go to the hospital.
...please tell me he didn't eat the fork...
4525021 ?
...WHAT!
4549048 I'm sorry you didn't like it, I was actually trying to go for something original...I'm sorry, again...
(The character is an Ender Dragon now, by the way, but it's only temporary, that's what I was planning)
I apologize. I was a bit cranky last night, but this story does need a lot of work. Here are some suggestions.
1. All characters deserve a name. Even a nickname will do. If the author does not pick a name the fans will.
2. All characters need to be three dimensional. This means that the characters have motivations, desires, and realities that extend beyond the scope of the story.
Example: Button's Mom works second shift at Ponyvile Hospital as an RN specializing in postnatal care. This is why the receptionist at the hospital knew who she was and why she knows so much about trauma injuries. This information, while important, is not entirely relevant to the story so there is no need to mention it directly.
3. All characters need to have a minnimun of 2 strengths and 2 weekness that differentiate their personalities from other characters. Creating a character profile in a word document is an easy way to keep track of these traits and make your characters more consistent.
Example:
Button Mash:
Strengths:
Non-Judgmental: Button wants to be friends with everyone regardless of who they are or what they have done.
Puzzle Master: If it can be solved Button will solve it.
Weaknesses:
Socially Awkward: Ineffective at responding to social situations.
Obsessive: Once Button gets fixed on a goal, he can't do anything else until it is completed, including sleep.
4552394 I've been there, it's alright, and you're right, I'm not the best writer, and I'm going to try a bit harder at this.
Ermigherd I'm so confused
4554623
And yet you keep coming back for more.
4568210
Well, it's still a good story, it's just the plotline is confusing
4568287
I'm not sure if Infinity Doctor knows where he is going with this. He has some interesting ideas, but he needs to develop them better and elaborate more.
Also, Discord.
Wait, this is an HiE? Wow. Spoiler alert, dude! I was just reading to see what Button does about a creature from minecraft showing up at his house. I had no idea he'd be a human...
Well, onto the next chapter!
What if . . . . . Lover Tap x Enderman? Wouldn't it be interesting for Button to have a (new/step) dad? Especially one with his own spooky lore AND can transform into a dragon? I'd like to read something like that.
could be longer.
what...just...happend?
Strangely calm reaction from her. Then again, maybe she saw this one coming. (Or she has LSD somewhere...
)
this story seems to be mostly based around comedy, and i think it does a nice job with the dynamic between buttons mother and the main character, a shame it seems this fic is dead.
do the next chapter