- Member Since 23rd Mar, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Heesman
Honest, serious, funny, oblivious. Me in a nut-shell.
Heesman
Joined 23rd Mar, 2012 ·
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Eh.
Cupcakes was better.
Ok. Wat..
First of all, it would be virtually impossible for PinkamEna to kill Luna.
Secondly, this is all just a cheap rip off of Cupcakes.
Third, I have no clue why the dialogue is in bullets.
And lastly, you gave this a TEEN rating. If it should only be viewed by 18+, it should be given a mature rating.
Please either take this down or heavily edit it. This needs alot of work.
I fear for my sanity should I read this.
Eh I thought it was pretty cool, in a super messed up way.
Me:Oh my, oh my THAT was entertaining especially the fact that Pinkamina got what she deserved . In fact I enjoyed reading every single word of this a lot and no I'm not insane. I'm just a 14 year old girl that is just very hard to scare and not to forget has a rather strange sense of comedy
.
Random Girl: What are you talking about?
Me:Read.
*about 40 min later*
Girl: YOU ARE INSANE FOR CALLING THIS FUNNY! *storms off*
Me: No one calls me insane.
*Later that night*
Me:One,two, I'm after you.
The girl is looking in all directions frightened from the voice.
Me:Three,four, Better lock the door.
CLICK! the girl jumped out of her bed and started running away from what she thought was a monster.
Me:Five,six, You better be quick
The girl tripped on something.
Me:Seven,eight, Too late
I was standing on her with a knife in my hand.
Nine,ten, See you in Heaven
A scream was heard through the house.
*later*
Officer: So, you saying that you just found her like this with blood all over her?
Me:Yes officer it was horrible*sniff* she had a good soul *cries*
Officer: there, there I promise I"ll find out who did this and I"l teach 'em.
Me:Thank you officer*cries again* sorry I just need to *sniff* *walks away and puts on an evil grin* (whisper) He'll be dead before he even knows it.(whisper)
366483 I know ;_;
I really such at those small details that made the real Cupcakes so damn good.
:366492 Why is it impossible to kill Luna? I think they only are imune to aging, not physically immortal.
Not a rip of. OWN VERSION, Didn't you read the short description?
I copeid the writing style from a famous swedish writer (Gösta Knutsson) so you should ask him that.
366859
You know,
I have a friend who laughed their way through cupcakes. Except for the murder, everything went exactly like that.
Except I'm not a girl. :P
i read the story, and i heard a sound.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/140/376/thatisthesoundofcupcakes.jpg?1309059122
Bwah.....Pinkamena got what she deserved after SOO long
not bad, although the funny speak markings made it a little tough at times to see whether they were speaking or not.
overall, pretty damn good....Can I even say this...but...was it supposed to be somewhat ironic and funny?
399001 Yes, you could say that. When I read the original cupcakes I thought Pinkie got away too easily. My base thought was ''Do unto others what others do unto you'' but now afterwards, ''ironic'' fits good too.
The fun parts are small ''easter eggs'' I can't stop myself from leaving behind. That's just the way I am.
399028 I do believe that this is the first story based on 'cupcakes' that had a really decent ending.
although i'm pretty sure 'do unto other what others do unto you' is some sort of religious golden rule
and therefore i'm sure that murder and torturous murder don't come into that category. MEH.
bloody brilliant though (see what I did there?)
-Joe-
401976 Religious golden rule or not, ''eye for an eye'' is a fitting punishment in most cases (IMO).
About the ending, I had some trouble deciding how I would write that. My original thought was that Flutter Shy was the first one to get free and brutally assault Pinkamena. But the way I was contemplating on the logic behind her escape just didn't add up (I didn't manage to add up to Matilda
)
The flow I first had in mind was:
-Pinkamena taunting Flutter Shy with Angels dead head.
-Flutter Shy headbutts Pinkamena in anger
-Which causes Pinkamena to stumble backwards towards the control panel.
-Pinkamena accidenally presses the button releasing Flutter Shy from her chains (see where the logic stops?)
-Flutter Shy beats up Pinkamena to an inch of her life, ends it all with a neck twist.
-Releases her friends.
THE END.
402033 Meh, I wonder though, would a simple neck twist have ended the story so well?
nah...I liked the ending with this. I see what you mean about the whole 'logic' thing
I'm currently writing a fic, not strictly mlp really, just bases itself in equestria and uses the royal sisters
and some locations.
I had a serious logic problem when writing a part about a fire, could someone be on fire (full body)
actually burning, but still not feel it until later? Other parts too. all in all SCREW LOGIC.
Just wondering... would you completely perchance read through what i've written of my story so far?
I think we have a similar way of solving logic...meh!
Sorry for spamming up your comments box /)-_-(\ double facepalm
-Joe-
366483 Um.. EXCUSE ME.. Cupcakes is a source of inspiration for most gore fics
452934 Well, one of my other fics ''The Mist Mare'' is a short ghost story (1075 words) based on this fic. And so far it has only gotten good response
Any comments above this comment was given to my old version.
Old version availlable at Pony Fiction Archive (Explicit)
If you've got the time, compare and let me think if the new version is any better or if I should change back to the old version.
I'll go get a new pants, I'll BRB.
833216 Oh man, I sure hope that it wasn't my story that was shitty
833347 The coverpic scared the crap out of me.
833416 Then I hope the fic itself does an equally good job
833883
Pure epic. Better than cupcakes, but I find it impossible for ponyfics to scare me, just make me want to throw up.
852687
Really? Better than the original Cupcakes?
Then perhaps I may be so bold as to ask what made you form this opinion.
I'd love to hear it.
854420
Oh, yes. The original was like, 'Then pinkie ripped out dashie's guts'. This was much better written.
859369
So, you are saying the original was a bit rushed?
One thing I don't like with my fic that comes to my mind without reding into it too much is that I think that I overdid AJ's accent a little bit. What do you think about that?
Did I put enough personality into the lines so that one could tell who's talking without reading what the narrator says?
Most importantly, do you think I put THE RIGHT personality to the right pony? Was any unjustified?
How close did I get to Pinkamena's personality? What I've read about Pinkamena made me think of her as a sadistic, canibal killer which was what I was striving for when deciding her actions as I wrote my fic.
Sorry for bombarding you with theese questions, I just tend to get a little over excited whenever I recieve praise for something I'm proud of.
860206
Yes, it was. Your fic was, in my eyes, almost essentially perfect. You had everything I was looking for.
860216
OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh!
Will you excuse me while I go and call 112? (Swedish number for 911)
I think my heart stopped from all the joy.
860268
Lol. better then Rainbow Factory by a mile.
860433
Seriously? Even better than Rainbow Factory?
Ok, ok, I haven't read Rainbow Factory yet. But if this fic, my fic, one of my fics I really didn't expect much of, is better than Rainbow Factory, then I REALLY need to read it and get rid of the hype in my head.
Too buckin' bad I ain't got the time for a few weeks to read any fics.
860461
DON'T READ IT. You'll be corrupted.
860642
Well, can't say I'll never read Rainbow Factory, but if you liked this fic, you might as well like my other work, not to mention the mini-sequel to this fic which I decided to name ''The Mist Mare''
860815
Okie dokie lokie.
863555
Ok, I have now, just minutes ago, finished reading Rainbow Factory.
One major question still lingers in my mind from what you said a few comments ago;
''Yes, it was. Your fic was, in my eyes, almost essentially perfect. You had everything I was looking for.
''
Question is; What were you looking for in my fic?
It can't be a sense of strong emotions as both Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes has far stronger than mine.
It can't be detailed description of eviroment as both had greater emphasis on that part as well.
It can't be in search of a story as mine is just a tweaking of an already good story, namely Cupcakes.
The question is constantly bouncing back and forth betwen the pea-sized entity that is my brain and the walls of the enless deep-space quiet room of organic substances that is my skull.
WHAT! COULD! IT! BEEEEE!?
I appologize in advance; I get quite dramatic when I'm tired or otherwise emotionally dopey from reading poetry or fanfics.
A long as hell review was promised and a long as hell review will attempt to be given.
Now I have to say that even though I was eating while reading the more graphic part of this it was much more detailed and disturbing in my opinion than the original Cupcakes. Now this is an impressive feat all of its own but to accurately portray the pouncing, pink party pony and her insanity correctly but make it be in character as you did is also impressive. I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors though I have to say that the formatting style for the text on this particular fic made it look weird compared to your other one that I read. This style works for short stories where it is a conversation between two characters but when multiple characters are involved it looks really strange at least to me personally. You did an amazing and disturbing twist on an already amazing and disturbing fan fiction. Some will argue that Cupcakes was better and as far as format and the sheer sake of being the original they may have a point but in my opinion if you changed the format style so that it read better and less........awkwardly then this would be better than Cupcakes. Overall I say it is a great fic ith more than a hint of disturbing and screwed up qualities to it that have made me think twice, momentarily, about grabbing those blueberry muffins in the refrigerator which is impressive because few things stop me from food.
Concept: 7/10 A redo of a story that was already done so a 7 for concept since it isn't terribly original.
Story or the execution of the Concept: 8/10 very graphic, emotional and disturbing. Well done 8 out of 10.
Characterization: 9/10. Didn't notice any flaws in characterization besides Pinkie and Pinkamena's interactions Somehow Pinkie who was deathly afraid of that side of her in the show calling it "Dear sister" seems out of character to me.
Engagement: 7.5/10. Again this goes back to the style of the writing, it was an engrossing story that I wanted to keep reading but there more than a few times where the writing style kinda killed my interest for a second denying me full enrapturement with this great story.
Grammar: 9/10 Other than a few mistakes here and there it was overall a pretty grammatically solid piece. Well done.
Overall:8.5/10. Like I mentioned, there were a few things that prevent this from getting a higher score but I liked it irregardless of those and as such it gets an 8.5. A very nice work of literature friendo and I hope to see more from you in the future.
1355875
*CUE MUSIC*
''...it was much more detailed and disturbing in my opinion than the original Cupcakes.''
Really? Is that so? I for one can't get the ''Think Fast'' moment from the original out of my head. Or the phantom pain away from my back.
On the other hoof, I can't get the skin-ripping part from my version out of my head nor the phantom pain from my thigh.
''...but to accurately portray the pouncing, pink party pony and her insanity correctly but make it be in character as you did...''
My initial vision of the whole Pinkie/Pinkamina character whas that it was Pinkamina that did the worst, gut-wrenching stuff and that Pinkie was just there for kicks, acting like she probably would in that situation. (By that I mean, ''as she probably would'' with a broken sanity)
''I have to say that the formatting style for the text on this particular fic made it look weird...''
What do you mean? *Checks the story*
OH MY DERPY! I think I understand what you mean. The character-action-description blends together with the overall narration. Gotta fix that someday. On the third hoof, I don't think I will. I want to be able to return to my old work and see what kind of mistakes I've made so that I know NOT to do them again.
''Didn't notice any flaws in characterization besides Pinkie and Pinkamena's interactions Somehow Pinkie who was deathly afraid of that side of her in the show calling it "Dear sister" seems out of character to me.''
The whole sister-thing is a reference to a story I read before I got here to FF. The story I read is called Friendship is Malice and in my oppinion is a great sequel to ''Party of One'' and prequel to ''Cupcakes'' as it tied the two events together perfectly with the only exception of it never explaining the whole ''Your number came up'' stuff.
The second reference is why Carrot Top's name was among the steel-rod-skewers in my fic.
The third INTENDED reference (dunno if I accidentally slipped in any more of them) is far more subtle and requires you to read ''Friendship is Malice'' to understand. A hint; That reference is the sole reason I wrote ''The Mist Mare''.
If you liked this story, I'm more than sure my future works will satisfy your appetite. At least regarding the elements of engaging and formatting. Not to mention I'm not basing my story around an over-used concept.
If you want to reply to this post, please send it by PM to prevent the comments section from being clogged up.
366859 ok that was umm ok never mined.
but you sir are SO AWESOME 
dude harsh much? dont get me wrong its a good story it just....her freinds wouldnt do that to her are you trying to make me hate them? because if you are its working i was kinda hoping pinkie won and make those douchebags who are suppose to be her friends pay. i wish they could have found it in their heart to forgive her isnt that what friends do FORGIVE! stupid asses i hope you get slaughtered one by one
1750994
Hehe... remember, Pinkie cleaved Luna's head with an axe. CLEAVED. For something she didn't even do, on top of everything.
You know what they say; ''An eye for an eye.''
Or in this case; ''One life for another.''
Friends don't hurt friends. And Pinkie did a bunch of that hurtin'. Which in a long term means that they never were friends from the beginning of this fic.
As well, would you forgive someone who you thought of as a friend that had done what Pinkie did to Fluttershy and what Pinkie thought about doing to the rest of her so called ''friends''
I know I wouldn't.
I know but still she's my favorite character and pissed me off to see those douchebags do that to her and I don't care much for fluttershy you didn't write this to hate on poor pinkie did youThen again if my friend that to me I would kick their ass too I guess my pinkie fanboyism is blinding me
1751946
Hmm... you're right. I didn't write this in favor of anypony.
I wrote this after watching ''Party of One'' a couple dozens of times, reading it's fanmade sequel ''Friendship is Malice'' like three times and watched/read everything I need to know about ''Cupcakes'' and more.
So I guess some sort of spiteful insanity grew inside my head and excreted out through my ear because one day when I was digging out earwax, this story was among the many sinister ideas molten together with the sticky yellow substance that WAS in my ear.
And... I guess I sorta felt bad for Pinkie, considering what brought her to her insane and cruel destiny.
But feeling pity does not stand in the way of justice, hence the ending of this fic. cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-trollcat.png
1752067
True I wasn't to crazy about that episode to begin with. I just think if her friends had noticed her arguing with herself they would have tried to help her instead just sayin either way I liked the fic it was more plot driven then cupcakes ever was.
1752164
I don't know if you've read the fic between the episode and ''Cupcakes'', but I'm gonna assume for now that you haven't.
In ''Friendship is Malice'', Pinkie's friends were extremely conserned about her. Pinkie turned schizo already the night after ''Party of One'' and that showed cleared than most of the things Pinkie does. She had been schizo for months but they still persisted to keep checking on her every... was it day or week? Ugh, whatever, you get the point.
'' ''Keep checking on her'' for what?''
Well, as we both know, Pinkamena is a sadist. And before Pinkamena got in controll she was hammering Pinkie's mind with multiple massively sadistic and gory things Pinkamena wanted Pinkie to do. Such as throwing Rainbow Dash into AJ's woodchipper and bathe in whatever's left. And to prevent Pinkie form accidentally doing anything that Pinkamena wants her to do, Pinkie decided to lock herself in her room at the Sugarcube Corner.
As the story progresses, Pinkie turns weaker and weaker untill Pinkamena ultimately succedes in making Pinkie reap their first victim.
As for the plot length.
I believe that most of the time when people write their own version of ''Cupcakes'', they have only read exactly ''Cupcakes''.
Me, on the other hoof, had gathered knowledge about even the story BEFORE Cupcakes, or in this case; What made Pinkie turn and kill her friend.
So if you would have read ''Friendship is Malice'', you would notice the little extra bits that I've snuck in from there into this fic.
Also, what I thought was boring about ''Cupcakes'' was that they were allways in the same location, I wanted to spice things up a bit as to what they possibly could have done BEFORE the classic ''Cupcake'' stuff begins.
1755234
O_O.its true i havent read friendship is malice yet i am starting to think i should because that there was just creepy it was no longer the pinkie we know it was Pinkamena *shudders* how could i be so blind to that? sorry i keep forgetting this fandom here like to portray pinkamena and pinkie as to different ponies so to speak. the fanfic is on gdocs right?
1755367
Well, I don't know how widely spread that story is but I read it from here.
What this story lacks in gore it makes up for a highly entertaining story and point of view on the entire concept that is Cupcakes.
Only thing I really can complain about with the whole Cupcakes thing is;
THE BUCK do they mean with ''Your number came up''?
On the third hoof, I think that is a thing that you are not supposted to know, adding to the whole mystery.
When I read the cupcakes for the first time, there was a warning that said; ''This fic can change your appreciation of certain MLP.FiM characters''
But Friendship is Malice removed what little thoughts that had changed my view of Pinkie. The story made so much sense in such a splendid way so I could back and enjoy the Pinkie that the show taught us to love without any remorse or nasty thoughts.
sorry to be coming back to this story but i realized pinkamena and pinkie are two different ponies. wow fandom wow. i realized that when you had her talk to pinkamena since they shared the same body now thats creepy. i still like pinkie though and this story did make me hate the mane six sadly.
whatever earth ponies rule that why i like pinkie and applejack.
2054262
I like to think of Pinkie like this.
Pinkamena is the ''real'' Pinkie while the Pinkie Pie portrayed in the show is just a schizofrenic personality of the ''real'' Pinkie, not the other way around.
See it my way;
Pinkamena is most commonly portrayed with straight hair while Pinkie is known from the show with puffy hair.
Now think back to episode S1E23 ''The Cutie Mark Chronicles''. There we can clearly see that Pinkie was BORN WITH STRAIGHT HAIR.
So in a way, I think that Filly Dash' Sonic Rainboom not only gave Pinkie her Cutie Mark, BUT it also made her a schizo.
I mean, who knows what Pinkie Pie has to deal with off camera or when she isn't in an episode?
Recently, I also came up with an actually LOGIC reason why Cupcakes COULD happen if the show wasn't supposed to be E rated.
Why Pinkamena butchers RD is because of RD's mane and tail (RAINBOWS) brings back memories to the moment before Pinkamena was taken over by the Pinkie Pie we know of.
Maybe Pinkie Pie didn't really like the life back at the rock farm but Pinkamena maybe did but didn't show it. Maybe, just maybe, back at the rock farm... Pinkamena actually was... happy.
Who knows?
2056296
I guess so i really hate cupcakes it just made people write stories like this about her. i am sure if pinkie was real and she knew about these stories she would be not only devastated but outraged that someone would think she would kill her friends. just saying i dont think cupcakes would happen if the show wasn't meant for kids. i mean for a pinkie fan you sure like to make her out to be a blood thirsty killer. then again i treat her no better in my stories i gave her anger issues.
2057248
It's a while now since I wrote this fic. But if I remember correctly, I was in an extremely bad mood.
''How bad?''
)
Well, lemme just say that if someone were to poke me in the back, I would have torn their arm of and began hitting them with it. (Lol, GoW3 reference
And for a longer time, I had been reminicing A LOT on the earlier years of my school. About the people that I thought was my ''friends'' which naturaly just fueled my anger and hatred even further.
So I took my time to channel most of my anger, hatred and despise for those very same people into this fic. So in a sense, I am Pinkie in this fic.
[SPOILER WARNING TO THOSE WHO HAVENT READ THE FIC YET!]
A recurring theme for me is that whenever I start gloating over my prowess, THAT'S ALWAYS when I lose.
THAT'S why Pinkie lost in the fic. She strayed from her standards of only handling one victim at a time.
The end is very specific.
What that last sentence ment;
...is that while Pinkie is physically dead, the consentrated hatred in her heart still lives on and uses the now empty husk to keep on living forever. Emotions never go away, they just change shape or place.
Sure, it's a very long shot, but hey! Who said I wanted to be easy to understand? I just wanted to be rid of what I felt in real life at that moment. I wanted the hatred to change place and move away from my heart.
2057587
i let out all my anger in my stories too so i know the feeling.
Well that makes perfect sense to me.