During a sleepover Sweetie Bell tells a ghost story to her fellow cusaders.
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A short ghost story originating from my long story My little Madness: Friendship is Blood Justice.
Lightly inspired by Ghost Whisperer Season 3 Episode 2: Bloody Mary.
No, I do not follow that series, it's just that I've watched that episode at TV years ago and it has stuck to my mind ever since.
*About the cover image*
I have personally asked the artist and have gotten green light in using his work. The artist is http://atoklanzeros.deviantart.com
Chapters (1)
Oh wow, I did not see that ending coming. I actually had chills at the end when Rarity was talking while looking out the window. Short, but well done.
384077 YES! Mission accomplished!
This is actually v 2.0. My first version was only like 700-750 words long and didn't have the same ending. It just stopped when Sweetie Bell was getting the towel for Rarity.
So in short terms, it was good that this site had a 1000 words minimum when uploading stories.
384234
Ah, I see. Well its the ending that defiantly made it.
WOOoooo....creepy.
after blood justice (fitting title)
not bad for a quickie, and it just finished my mental image of
actually creeped me, an avid silent hill fan, out.
good show, short and snappy, well written.
So, about the format of your writing style: not good. Aside from your use of "bullet-point" hyphens to denote different speakers, the lack of quotation marks makes the dialogue blend into the narrative of the story. Not to mention that it's very straight forward "A said, B said, A said, C said" on and on, making it tough to read for a story that barely breaks 1000 words. I had to practically sift through a word wall and that just made it not fun at all. As a result of the writing style, the fact that this story makes reference to a much longer fic, which is about 9000 words long, makes me much less inclined to read it.
The dialogue is stilted, with the only differences between characters is their color; whether they're a filly or mare; whether they're more prone to conjunctions or using the word "darling". Without those, I have no idea who anypony is in this fic. It felt like the story was being told at me, not to me. There's somewhat creative imagery from
Sweetie Bellethe white filly's story but it's said with too many unnecessary sentences, which are also not concise to add to the creepy depiction of the "Mist Mare's" appearance.All in all it's not bad per se but the story's just too hampered down by the uncomfortable style and format. The characterization needs more work so from a reader's standpoint you can tell a character from another without needing a color adjective or the gimmick of Rarity or Applebloom's respective accents.
Bring imagery to the scene itself, of the CMCs sitting on edge as Sweetie slowly tells the tale she heard from "a pony." Of Scootaloo fighting against her need to retain her cool reputation and the slight shivering of her hooves and the twitching of her wings as her unicorn friend describes the mangled, vivisected ghoul of a pony that roams within an unnatural heavy and dense mist to...
GET YOU!!
That a good enough review for ya?
1315291
Yeah, this fic really is one huge text wall. It was however SORTA intended (yeah, a bad idea from the start) but I wanted Sweetie Bell's line to sorta blend into the actually story, making her take the role of both a character and the narrator of the story. A concept i won't attempt again which has made the stories written after this one, MUCH more airy and reader friendly.
I feel that if I hadn't put it in the description that it has references form a longer story, those who have read the longer one would make the annoying comment of ''Is this story referencing from that?''
As with all my stories, I try to make them suitable for stand-alone stories so that those who haven't read earlier parts don't need to do so if they only want to read a specific one. Something I now realise I need some heavy duty working on.
Yes! This, as well as from ''Naughty Intentions'', are two very well made reveiws I'm gonna read over a few dozen times. Perhaps something will seep into my brain and actually improve future stories.
1317608
No, I'm saying that the fact that the style for this and the longer story is the same, makes me want to read the longer story less because it was hard enough to read this one.
1318224
Oh! I see, good point!
possible "cupcakes" reference?
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