The Mist Mare

by Heesman

Chapter 1

- This is a story I prefer to call; The Mist Mare. A white filly said with a spooky voice.
- The Mist Mare? What kinda story's that? An orange filly asked.
- Save the questions to when I'm done, if you would please. Now then, where was I... right, so this story is about the dreaded Mist Mare. The white filly switched off the lights and pulled away the curtains from the window, making the moon shine into the room.
About once a month, during the clear night skies, revealing the full moon, a strange cloud of mist can be seen spreading throughout Ponyville. But that mist is not a creation of the weather ponies. No, this mist is of an evil nature. The thickness of the mist is constantly changing. Most of the time, it is too thick to see anything through it. But every now and then, a faint shadow can be seen in the very center, just as if that shadow was carrying the mist that kept it shrouded.
- Wha's the shadow look like? Or does it even look like sumthin'? A yellow filly asked.
- I am getting to that part now. The white filly said with an annoyed tone.
So, whenever the mist gets thin enough to look through, one can see a pony, a mare to be exact. That mare has a wicked appearance. If a pony were to be follow her, one would see that the Mist Mare leaves behind her a trail of severely blood stained hoof prints dissipating by the sight of sunshine. She is not walking properly either. Neither is she limping, more like slowly stumbling forth in the dark night. A pony once told me that she saw the Mist Mare up close. A twisted pony with a straight mane and tail, stained with blood from herself and her victims. On a quick look, there appears to be long objects jammed in her joints closest to the body, preventing her to walk properly. However, if you look closely you can see that the objects in her joints are knives, thoroughly penetrating her body. If looking at her from the front, you can see a massive wound on her left shoulder, as if someone had used a hacksaw to saw through her collarbone.
- Kn-kn-knives penetratin' her b-body? The yellow filly said with fear in her voice.
- Pfft... a sawed collarbone? Is that all? The orange filly rolled her eyes.
- But that is not everything. The white filly tried to interrupt.
If you would listen closely as the Mist Mare is visible, one can hear her talk in a slurry way, saying words like ''Party'', ''Cupcakes'' and ''Death''. If a pony would be foolish enough to approach the Mist Mare, he or she would be doomed to a very painful and agonizing death. Because, if you would lock eyes with the Mist Mare she would do unspeakable things to you, plaguing and tormenting your very soul.
- Wha'd she do? The yellow filly asked with a trembling voice as she hid her head under a pillow.
- SHE WOULD GET YOU! The white filly shouted as she rose up on her hind legs with her front hooves in the air.
At this moment, the bathroom door behind the three fillies quickly slammed open, making steam cascade out into the dark room, shrouding them. In the middle of the steam the faint figure of a mare with straight hair and tail could be seen. A liquid was dripping from all around her body as she tried to talk with something in her mouth, making her words slurry.
- IT'S THE MIST MARE! RUN! The orange filly shouted as she dove under the white fillys bed, making her purple tail dangle and tremble in fear outside of the bed sheets.
- Th-th-the... m-mist... m-m-ma-are... The yellow filly stuttered as she fainted.
- Oh, hi Rarity, already done with your hot shower? The white filly asked as she sat down, looking at the figure in the steam. The figure began spitting.
- Ugh... gross. Oh, Sweetie Bell, I got soap in my eyes and my mouth and we just ran out of water, could you be a darling and hand me a towel, please?
- Coming right up, sis. The white filly said with a smile as she walked into the room behind the white mare for a towel.
- Here you go sis. The white filly reached the towel in her front hoof to the white mare in front of her.
- Thank you Sweetie. The white mare used her magic to wipe of the rest of the soap and most of the water from her coat with the towel.
- Ahh, much better now. Was the ghost story I taught you yesterday to any delight Sweetie Bell? The white filly looked behind her at her two friends, one passed out on the floor and the other one hiding under her bed. After a few moments she looked back at the white mare.
- Yes. I think I got the results I was looking for. The white filly walked up to the unconscious yellow filly on the floor and gave her a nudge, making her wake up in shock.
- NO! Don't take meh, ah'm just a lill' filly The yellow filly looked up and realized she had passed out.
- Oh, t'was only you Rarity, sorreh 'bout that, mah bad.
- Who's who? Is the Mist Mare gone? The orange filly backed out from her hiding beneath the bed. The white mare and filly heartily laughed in choir.
- Calm don't Scootaloo, it was just a story. The white filly smiled at the orange filly. The orange filly flinched as she realized she had been afraid of a silly ghost story.
- Yeah, right, I knew that all along. The orange filly rolled her eyes still with a tint of fear clearly visible.
The white mare interrupted their conversation.
- Well girls, why don't you all go into the kitchen and get something to eat before you go to bed?
The three little fillies all nodded at the same time and walked into the kitchen while talking about the story they just had been terrified by. The white mare however, walked up to the window and glanced up at the moon. It was sparkling brightly, just like the white mares still damp coat. A tear slowly formed in her eye from the memory the moon brought to her mind.
- Not one day has passed without me feeling regret for what I did to you, my friend. The white mare thought to herself
A giant cloud of mist could be seen slowly creeping towards the Carrousel Boutique from the direction of the Sugar Cube corner. The white mare slowly wiped the tear from her eye as she shrugged and used her magic to quickly pull back the curtains, shrouding herself as well as the rest of the room in complete darkness.

THE END

Comments

[Man Of War]

Oh wow, I did not see that ending coming. I actually had chills at the end when Rarity was talking while looking out the window. Short, but well done.

[Heesman]

384077 YES! Mission accomplished!
This is actually v 2.0. My first version was only like 700-750 words long and didn't have the same ending. It just stopped when Sweetie Bell was getting the towel for Rarity.
So in short terms, it was good that this site had a 1000 words minimum when uploading stories.

[Man Of War]

384234

Ah, I see. Well its the ending that defiantly made it.

[Shardikku]

WOOoooo....creepy.
not bad for a quickie, and it just finished my mental image of after blood justice (fitting title)
actually creeped me, an avid silent hill fan, out.
good show, short and snappy, well written.

[Typewrittensoul]

So, about the format of your writing style: not good. Aside from your use of "bullet-point" hyphens to denote different speakers, the lack of quotation marks makes the dialogue blend into the narrative of the story. Not to mention that it's very straight forward "A said, B said, A said, C said" on and on, making it tough to read for a story that barely breaks 1000 words. I had to practically sift through a word wall and that just made it not fun at all. As a result of the writing style, the fact that this story makes reference to a much longer fic, which is about 9000 words long, makes me much less inclined to read it.

The dialogue is stilted, with the only differences between characters is their color; whether they're a filly or mare; whether they're more prone to conjunctions or using the word "darling". Without those, I have no idea who anypony is in this fic. It felt like the story was being told at me, not to me. There's somewhat creative imagery from Sweetie Belle the white filly's story but it's said with too many unnecessary sentences, which are also not concise to add to the creepy depiction of the "Mist Mare's" appearance.

All in all it's not bad per se but the story's just too hampered down by the uncomfortable style and format. The characterization needs more work so from a reader's standpoint you can tell a character from another without needing a color adjective or the gimmick of Rarity or Applebloom's respective accents.

Bring imagery to the scene itself, of the CMCs sitting on edge as Sweetie slowly tells the tale she heard from "a pony." Of Scootaloo fighting against her need to retain her cool reputation and the slight shivering of her hooves and the twitching of her wings as her unicorn friend describes the mangled, vivisected ghoul of a pony that roams within an unnatural heavy and dense mist to...

GET YOU!!

That a good enough review for ya?

[Heesman]

1315291

Yeah, this fic really is one huge text wall. It was however SORTA intended (yeah, a bad idea from the start) but I wanted Sweetie Bell's line to sorta blend into the actually story, making her take the role of both a character and the narrator of the story. A concept i won't attempt again which has made the stories written after this one, MUCH more airy and reader friendly.

I feel that if I hadn't put it in the description that it has references form a longer story, those who have read the longer one would make the annoying comment of ''Is this story referencing from that?''

As with all my stories, I try to make them suitable for stand-alone stories so that those who haven't read earlier parts don't need to do so if they only want to read a specific one. Something I now realise I need some heavy duty working on.

Yes! This, as well as from ''Naughty Intentions'', are two very well made reveiws I'm gonna read over a few dozen times. Perhaps something will seep into my brain and actually improve future stories.

[Typewrittensoul]

1317608

I feel that if I hadn't put it in the description that it has references form a longer story, those who have read the longer one would make the annoying comment of ''Is this story referencing from that?''

No, I'm saying that the fact that the style for this and the longer story is the same, makes me want to read the longer story less because it was hard enough to read this one.

[Heesman]

1318224
Oh! I see, good point!

[thesnyphur]

If you would listen closely as the Mist Mare is visible, one can hear her talk in a slurry way, saying words like ''Party'', ''Cupcakes'' and ''Death''.

possible "cupcakes" reference?
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