Naughty Intentions

PhoKingAzn

PhoKingAzn #1 · Apr 28th, 2012 · · ·

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its okay

Shardikku

Shardikku #2 · Apr 29th, 2012 · · ·

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Oh God 'Adult Maturity'....
This one could be interesting.........Will check it out in a minute O_o (Celestia help me)
-Joe-

Heesman

Heesman #3 · Apr 29th, 2012 · · ·

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516944

Well... a few hours have passed now, so... whadda ya think 'bout it?

Shardikku

Shardikku #4 · Apr 29th, 2012 · · ·

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517619
Meh....O_o This is the first time I've read anything like this. I can honestly say though, I am amazed at how many different terms you can come up with for the same thing. Do you carry around some sort of Thesarus??
Improvement: There wasn't much character building (Come on, at least some slight desc. e.g. colour, name etc... I'm the one who's crap with names.)
My head is already warped as buck thanks to my habits and interests. It's very tough to make me go This li'l thing did that. well done. Meep

-Joe-

Heesman

Heesman #5 · Apr 29th, 2012 · · ·

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518629
YES! I really, really, really, REALLY wanted to avoid using the slang term for the genital I was descpribing. I think if just ruins the entire story. It's excuseable if if is used if it is any of the characters lines. But otherwise, NO.

An example:

Bad version:
''He shoved in his rock hard cock into the pussy which caused them both to orgasm and squirt liquids all over the place.''

Good Version:
''The male gave a hard push, forcing his throbbing limb into the mare laying bellow him. The extreme pleasure the both of them felt was overwhelming, causing them both to hit their climax at the same time. Their liquids seeped out of the mare, making a huge mess on both of the two lovers.''

Then about the character descpription.
I'll just cut out a few lines from the story itself;
''Nopony before him was able see the endless beauty in the gray mares crossed eyes. They mare giggled as the stallion himself forced his eyes to copy her own dysfunctional eyes.''

''A very faint taste of blood was felt in her mouth as she saw the red stain in the orange coat of the stallion she had caused.''

Sure, it might be a little like finding easter eggs, but that is entirely my point since I wanted to experiment in writing a fic in a style I am not used to. Personally, I think I did an exellent effort. 518763

RohanSpartan

RohanSpartan #6 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

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Dat picture.

Typewrittensoul

Typewrittensoul #7 · Sep 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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There's several grammar and spelling mistakes, but my review doesn't focus on that. Now, I know it's incredibly mean but the best way to describe how I felt reading this is to quote your story:

[...]seconds that each felt like minutes, so slow the time passed.

I'm going to break this down with: the characters, the style, the "engagement," as it were.

Alright. First off, calling the characters "The Mare" and "The Stallion" is so boring! It's the worst sort of repetition, like a leaky faucet dripping throughout the day and you can't do a thing about it except leave for a while to get your bearings. After maybe the third or so instance it would already be established that there's just those two characters, so you can just refer to them as "he" and "she" and all of those different forms.

Next, your style is as though we went to a local porn theater, and I was blind, and you simply described to me the things going on-screen without being excessively crude. The thing is, that just does not work for romance stories of the adult manner. Even without getting heavily raunchy you could have used innuendo, metaphor, short, sharper imagery rather than your droning sentences that were more technical in describing the scene. I've never read about ponies moving about in circles so many times in a fic before. If you wanted them to dance, use dance terms (which you can look up online) rather than always have them circle each other. It's completely lacking in what I call "emotional appeal." It's essentially what anchors a character to the reader and make them care for what happens to them as the story goes on. The problem starts immediately with your describing Ditzy's relationship with the unnamed stallion by calling them "two love-induced ponies."

But how are they love induced? Beyond saying "they're doing all this mushy stuff together so they must be in love!" you have to persuade me, as the reader that they are in love to the point of doing everything they do in the story. Yeah, I know, that's a sorta weird concept, but that's where emotional appeal comes into play.

Let's take your examples for a moment:

Bad version:
''He shoved in his rock hard cock into the pussy which caused them both to orgasm and squirt liquids all over the place.''
Good Version:
''The male gave a hard push, forcing his throbbing limb into the mare laying bellow[sic] him. The extreme pleasure the both of them felt was overwhelming, causing them both to hit their climax at the same time. Their liquids seeped out of the mare, making a huge mess on both of the two lovers.''

What you describe as two different takes on writing the sex scene between "good" and "bad" is a problematic distinction. What you've really got is a choice between a raunchy or "clop-style" of writing and a...uh...vaguely descriptive set of sentences. I'd improve upon that and add in the emotional appeal I was talking about:

He pushed himself hard and deep, yearning to hear her moan again. His 'limb', a part of him that was inside her, joining him to his lover and her to him, throbbed with a lust that burned in the depths of his stomach and sent chills up his spine. His breath quivered upon hilting her, feeling her wanting movements keep him close; her never-ceasing milking motions. With her under him he continually moved his hips, bringing himself against her over and over, feeling the pressure build until finally...everything turned white hot. The room around them was no more. Only the two lovers remained, basking in mutual ecstasy in the other's embrace; an overwhelming, pure, indescribable happiness that leaked and seeped between them, marking the bed, and each other, in their lovemaking.

You want to keep reinforcing that the characters are really into each other. That they can't get enough of admiring each other on both an emotional and physical level, but also that they really want to make the other happy.

I suggest you read erotic novels...excluding 50 Shades because that one's just silly. But where was I? Oh yeah, erotic novels. The way they're written is entirely focused on stimulating the reader's emotions and getting them to understand really what the characters are going through. Not just describing what's happening, but making the reader feel that they're in the scene itself. That's sort of why Twilight and books like 50 Shades are commercially successful. There's a mix of flowery prose and poetic rhyme/pacing that's important to understand. Looking for similar pony-fic porn would work, but they take their cues from erotic novels in the first place. Simply reading and trying to incorporate certain words or phrases is a great and easy way to experiment with getting into the groove of writing erotic romance.

Also, as the story is now, you should just get rid of any instance of Derpy/Ditzy's eyes other than her initial appearance. The way you portrayed it is either random:

[...]the stallion himself forced his eyes to copy her own dysfunctional eyes

or unintentionally creepy:

One of the mares[sic] eyes had slightly rolled back into her head while the other tried to focus on the stallion giving her the time of her life

I have a problem with the first example because there's no follow up to the action. What was the intent of putting that action in there? You need to figure out the purpose of that (and really any sentence) to see if you can get rid of it or edit it so adds to the story rather than acts as filler. My second reason is that you're putting undue emphasis on her eye without exploring deeper the sort of psychological effects it has on her. If you're not exploring that, don't write about it.

I'd like to point out however that I especially liked this sentence of yours:

He quickly shook his head and looked over at the mares[sic] beautiful pouty face, which almost demanded his attention to her rear.

I want you to analyze and understand what's going on in this one sentence, and how much imagery it conveys to the reader and how it sets up for the coming (ha! puns) scene. It describes an easily conceivable visual. Pony face and pony butt. There's also a subtle playfulness going on between them while managing to point out Ditzy's motivation that can be easily transferable to the (predominantly male) audience that would put itself in the unnamed stallion's place. But most importantly it does all that while keeping the story flow intact. What can you learn from that? Simple:
You don't have to be overly technical in your descriptions, which messes with the flow. Rather, make use of adjectives (pouty) and think of flow rather than choppy details within a scene. Adverbs (quivered) are great modifiers to keep the characters moving and the scene smooth, like a camera panning over the scene to capture every moment of the romantic interaction.

Happy_McDull