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You are super old. How old? You don't know, but lately you've been feeling like your life has been coming to a close. You look towards your old broken pocket watch and begin wonder about the choices you've made and didn't make. Both having to do something with Granny Smith and an old broken pocket watch that seems to put a certain time stallion on edge.
*If you like the story, then give it a like, if not give it a dislike and tell me why.
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Ugh. Grammar.
Criticism Time!
First off, interesting concept. Second person Doctor is definitely different.
However, it has some problems.
1. You need to capitalize the first letter of every sentence.
2. Lots of awkward narration:
etc. etc.
3. Show versus Tell. A lot of it.
4. This story doesn't need to be anthro, just replace hands with hooves, etc. (if you prefer writing with human terms, it's fine, just doesn't seem necessary to me.)
5.
It just seems really weird, I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it needs to be reworded. Also, what studies? Come on, this is not a high school essay!
6.
Yourshould be you're7.
Shouldn't it be after opening the fridge, not while?
8.
I'm not even sure the Doctor can do that.
Overall, it was pretty good, interesting, and different from 80% of Doctor Whooves fanfics, so that's already a bonus. Just work out your grammar and narration (Do not tell the readers, show them. Especially in this 2nd person story.
Also why 2nd person?
Anyways, I liked it.
Huh. Not bad, not bad at all. You actually made me feel senile there for a few seconds...
3923981 Thank you. I've just edited some of it
you can just use italics for thoughts
good although not much happened in this chapter, but still good. I eagerly await the next chapter. To the TARDIS, so i can read it now... or should I say later.
Time to gripe over every grammatical problem I find!
Should be "mare's" and there should be a comma after "hoof"
After "you" should be a comma, not a period. "Said" should not be capitalized, there should be a period after "stallion", and "he" should be capitalized.
Actually, all of the words immediately following an end quotation mark should be not capitalized.
All of the periods at the end of a quotation, if it is not the end of the sentence, should be commas instead.
After "head" it should be a comma, not a period.
Should have an apostrophe in "Fleurs"
Needs a period at the end.
A comma after "assistant".
Should be "to".
Other than that, good chapter! Oooh, it's going to be just like Pinkie Who, or the Curiosity Machine. Right?
Interesting, but the grammar needs work.
3937835 Yes it will be like both of those stories, also thanks for helping with my editing. Since I'm in need of an editor can I ask you to be one for this story?
3955353
Sorry, but I don't have any free time
.
Thanks for the offer, though.
3955367 Darn, It's okay.
and the ( ) was your old friend Granny Smith.
Missing a word here
4038260 Thanks
Hmm. Keep going.
Some errors:
Should be "there".
Should be "Time Lord".
Should be "furiously" instead of "now furious".
Getting interesting. I hope you describe the new regeneration well, and compared old to new.
4329518 Thanks
So, why is this chapter wedged between chapters 3 and 4?
4709589 Woah I did not see that