Who am I? A 43 year old history teach living a double life as a brony fanfic writer.
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, two friends who became lovers after a spur of the moment night. They never expected to ever be in love, but they did and they loved it...at first.
But after several months, the layers of romance fade away and their true characters begin to shine, and Twilight doesn't like it one bit.
My first fanfic on this site. Hope you all like it.
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Its short, but decent, ends alittle abruptly.
Not bad, but the ending leaves a lot to be desired it's really abrupt and I wasn't prepared for it at all, but for a first fanfic it's good. I'll keep an eye on you.
That's how you end it? That's an ending to you? Where's the closure? What's finished by that ending? What was resolved? Nothing. This story is pointless! It has no point! I mean a short one-shot purely for fluff is one thing, but those at least have a satisfying ending. That left me wanting more, and not in the good way.
Writing was pretty good though.
Decent writing but a bit short for having that odd kind of ending.
Rather good for a first offering, shows a lot of promise.
As said though, you could have really expanded on what was happening, possibly by having Twilight try to confront RD or somesuch.
Still, for a first fic, not bad at all. Keep practicing!
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The abrupt ending was intentional.
This story was never planned to have closure.
Just thought I'd clarify.
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No offense, but closure is what makes a story worth reading. Leaving the ending in mystery, if done well, is one thing, leaving it like this? there's no mystery here, and you've hardly given enough information for the reader to make our own ending. Avoiding full closure in a story can be a very powerful emotional tool. If done properly.
As it was not done so here.
Now if this were not a one-shot, this would be an amazing end to a chapter, but since it's supposed to stand on its own we need at least a little more.
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There's a difference between leaving an ending intention and what you did here. This felt like you just started to explore the conflict rather than having the ending of that conflict unresolved. If you're going to make an ending open, you have to leave the audience waiting for that decisive moment...and then just not give it to them. This didn't have any weight behind it because there was no moment.
I do think you could have made more of the idea. By itself, it is great but to be truly heartwrenching you would have needed to give it a little more build-up, may a few more scenes interrupting the story flow to show how their relationship to each other and their friends change over the time. Despite what others here say, I really like the open end but as I said before, you need to create more expense. I think this piece isn't intended to be easy to digest, though it does feel like it ended a tad too early. Barely more than 1000 words are just not enough to really give feels.
Anyway, I like it because it definitely is an unsual theme that lets you fear and and hope at the same time. Well deserved upvote!
Hmm, I can see what Kodeake and others before were talking about with the abrupt end to the story, but I'll leave that aside for the moment.
While this wasn't a bad little one shot, it definitely reads as someone's first attempt at writing (nothing wrong with that, it's just something that a person can pick up on after reading enough stories on this website). The dialogue in places is clunky and awkwardly put so that it hurts the reader's immersion into the story itself (which is quite, quite short on top of that, so the reader's immersion is very important in this case). For example,
I can see what you're trying to get at here, but when you're writing dialogue stop and ask yourself if you can realistically see Twilight saying this. Try and picture Twilight in the show saying every sentence you are writing for her. This sentence in particular is very blunt, and because of that, it hurts the immersion into the story.
Grammar-wise, things looked pretty good, but I'm a horrible grammar-nazi, so I can't say anything for certain.
As for the narrative, it's also something to be constantly worked at when anyone's writing. There's show, and then there's tell. Some of your narrative here cuts straight to the punch, and while this isn't necessarily a bad thing per se, it's something you may want to work on in future endeavours. You should also make sure that everything is flowing in the same tense. For example,
This line in the narrative breaks from the past-tense use that is supposed to be used in stories (at least with how you've decided to write it, which is the most common form). A better way to phrase this sentence might be "A large part of Twilight wanted to wait for Rainbow Dash to grow up into the mare she hoped she could be. Yet, Twilight couldn't stop an icy feeling in the pit of her stomach. With dread, she admitted to herself that she didn't know how much longer she could wait." (or something, it's too early for words)
As for the ending, yes it was rather abrupt, but I can see what you were trying to accomplish with it. Some more transition into the flashback would have helped, and likewise some transition back out of the flashback to the present. It also may have helped if you have us a tiny bit more after that last sentence. I'm not saying you should have said how Twilight kicked Rainbow's drunk flank out of her bedroom, just that you could have alluded to something more than just simply ending it. Maybe how Twilight brushed the tear away, her heart sinking as she skulked up to her bedroom to confront her marefriend (or not).
Please don't take any of this as offensive. The only purpose of this comment was to make some suggestions for you to improve your writing and to provide some constructive criticism on your story.
id like to see one last chapter where twilight realizes she made a mistake and winds up with applejack after some more drama with rainbow dash, if that's OK with you that is
3912073 I disagree with that so don't do it. Please and thank you.