Reality
Three in the morning, three in the morning.
"Where is she!" grumbled Twilight as she waited for her marefriend Rainbow Dash to arrive. She promised she would be here by nine sharp for their traditional after show dinner, but she guessed that she was out with partying and getting drunk with her Wonderbolt friends...she couldn't blame her.
This had become an increasing trend for them. Twilight would wait, and Dash would party the night away, typical. Even when Dash was not out, all she did was laze around the library and read her "Daring Doo" books, never bothered to help her own marefriend out.
The unicorn just sighed with frustration. "Maybe I should've weighed my options before blindly agreeing to start a relationship with her, I mean, she means well, but she still has a lot of emotional growing up to do." she said to nopony in particular, she was alone. She sent Spike away to Rarity's in case things got a little "heated" between her and Dash.
Suddenly, a loud crash was heard as something hit the front door. Twilight got up and opened the door with her magic, only to find a drunk Rainbow Dash before her.
"That was AWESOME!" she exclaimed with drunken excitement. "You should've been there, we dared Cloud Chaser and Flitter to make-out with each other...awesome!" she giggled.
"Yeah...should've been there." said a saddened Twilight as she played along. Dash was too drunk to realize she was making Twilight feel worse.
"So...how's my beautiful marefriend doing? Did you miss me?" Dash laughed while she tried her best to be as flirty as she can drunkenly can.
"I did miss you...a lot." that was the truth. But she decided to wait until she's sober before she would tell her that tonight was their seventh month anniversary. The night they said "buck you" to all reason and just went ahead to express how they really felt for each other. Although as Twilight looked back, she realized that it wasn't love or romance she thought she had for Dash...but lust.
Dirty, loveless, carnal, lust...and nothing more.
"You know...seeing them make-out makes me realize that it has been a week since we last bucked each other senseless..." whispered Dash as she leaned up against the unicorn mare that was her marefriend. Her breath reeked of alcohol, Twilight hated that smell. But there's another reason she felt that being in a relationship with Dash was a mistake...Dash's sex drive. It was fun at first, but she quickly felt annoyed and tired of their more than weekly sessions, especially when half the time, Dash was drunk. All Twilight wanted was at least one full week without it so she can focus on their relationship and her studies.
"Dash, you're drunk...you know I can't have sex with you inebriated." nervously explained the unicorn.
"Ugh..." exclaimed a frustrated Dash. "Then I guess it's my hoof tonight." she said as she stumbled up the stairs to hoof herself on Twilight's bed. Twilight just washed the sheets from the last time Dash did that.
This was the fact that Twilight realized as their relationship went on...Dash is not emotionally ready for a serious relationship, she still thinks about "me" and never so much "we". She's loyal, that Twilight can give her credit for, but it's mostly all "me, me, me" with Dash. Even in the bedroom...especially in the bedroom.
But what can Twilight do now is hope Dash can grow-up and soon, because Twilight doesn't know how long this can last.
"I'll give us another month...if things do not change...I'm done with her." admitted the unicorn to herself. She fully realized that she said the exact same thing last month...and the month before that.
She has given her too many chances already and that's her own fault.
"Who am I kidding...I wasn't ready for this either...I thought romance was supposed to be the most magical thing between to ponies...but I guess I've been reading to many of Rarity's romance novels." Twilight sadly said to herself as she walked into the dinning room and threw away the cold food,
As she cleaned the room, she stared at a small picture frame with a photograph of the two of them in the photo booth at the fair that came to Ponyville four months ago. They were wrapped in each other's embrace, lips locked. Their friends jokingly teased them for that.
Their friends...
To Twilight, it felt like they slowly drifted apart from them the longer her relationship with Dash lasted. Especially Applejack...she hardly ever talked to them ever since they told their friends about her and Dash. Must be because Applejack always had a crush on Twilight and was jealous the unicorn ended up with Dash instead.
Things were a lot easier when they were just friends that's for sure.
"I love you Dash." said Twilight as she panted from exhaustion.
"I love you too."
Dash placed her head on Twilight's chest and curled up to her, their fur matted with sweat from what just happened.
"Cuddle bug huh?" smirked the unicorn to her pegasus marefriend.
"Not a word to anyone!" sternly ordered Dash.
"Not a word...I promise." Twilight smiled.
"I wanted to tell you this sooner...but I guess I was afraid that you didn't like mares, plus, I didn't want anypony to know that I am a filly fooler."
"Why not Dash?"
"Because I prefer to keep my sexuality a mystery...so I wouldn't be stereotyped...I want ponies to know me as Rainbow Dash, the greatest flier in Equestria...not as just some filly fooler who would have sex with anything that moves."
"I understand...I've been where you have been before...and never again."
A full minute of silence as they looked into each others eyes.
"I love you Twilight."
"I love you too...may our love last for the ages."
"I hope so too."
"I hope so too..." said Twilight to herself, a tear flowed down her cheek.
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Its short, but decent, ends alittle abruptly.
Not bad, but the ending leaves a lot to be desired it's really abrupt and I wasn't prepared for it at all, but for a first fanfic it's good. I'll keep an eye on you.
That's how you end it? That's an ending to you? Where's the closure? What's finished by that ending? What was resolved? Nothing. This story is pointless! It has no point! I mean a short one-shot purely for fluff is one thing, but those at least have a satisfying ending. That left me wanting more, and not in the good way.
Writing was pretty good though.
Decent writing but a bit short for having that odd kind of ending.
Rather good for a first offering, shows a lot of promise.
As said though, you could have really expanded on what was happening, possibly by having Twilight try to confront RD or somesuch.
Still, for a first fic, not bad at all. Keep practicing!
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The abrupt ending was intentional.
This story was never planned to have closure.
Just thought I'd clarify.
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No offense, but closure is what makes a story worth reading. Leaving the ending in mystery, if done well, is one thing, leaving it like this? there's no mystery here, and you've hardly given enough information for the reader to make our own ending. Avoiding full closure in a story can be a very powerful emotional tool. If done properly.
As it was not done so here.
Now if this were not a one-shot, this would be an amazing end to a chapter, but since it's supposed to stand on its own we need at least a little more.
3907821
There's a difference between leaving an ending intention and what you did here. This felt like you just started to explore the conflict rather than having the ending of that conflict unresolved. If you're going to make an ending open, you have to leave the audience waiting for that decisive moment...and then just not give it to them. This didn't have any weight behind it because there was no moment.
I do think you could have made more of the idea. By itself, it is great but to be truly heartwrenching you would have needed to give it a little more build-up, may a few more scenes interrupting the story flow to show how their relationship to each other and their friends change over the time. Despite what others here say, I really like the open end but as I said before, you need to create more expense. I think this piece isn't intended to be easy to digest, though it does feel like it ended a tad too early. Barely more than 1000 words are just not enough to really give feels.
Anyway, I like it because it definitely is an unsual theme that lets you fear and and hope at the same time. Well deserved upvote!
Hmm, I can see what Kodeake and others before were talking about with the abrupt end to the story, but I'll leave that aside for the moment.
While this wasn't a bad little one shot, it definitely reads as someone's first attempt at writing (nothing wrong with that, it's just something that a person can pick up on after reading enough stories on this website). The dialogue in places is clunky and awkwardly put so that it hurts the reader's immersion into the story itself (which is quite, quite short on top of that, so the reader's immersion is very important in this case). For example,
I can see what you're trying to get at here, but when you're writing dialogue stop and ask yourself if you can realistically see Twilight saying this. Try and picture Twilight in the show saying every sentence you are writing for her. This sentence in particular is very blunt, and because of that, it hurts the immersion into the story.
Grammar-wise, things looked pretty good, but I'm a horrible grammar-nazi, so I can't say anything for certain.
As for the narrative, it's also something to be constantly worked at when anyone's writing. There's show, and then there's tell. Some of your narrative here cuts straight to the punch, and while this isn't necessarily a bad thing per se, it's something you may want to work on in future endeavours. You should also make sure that everything is flowing in the same tense. For example,
This line in the narrative breaks from the past-tense use that is supposed to be used in stories (at least with how you've decided to write it, which is the most common form). A better way to phrase this sentence might be "A large part of Twilight wanted to wait for Rainbow Dash to grow up into the mare she hoped she could be. Yet, Twilight couldn't stop an icy feeling in the pit of her stomach. With dread, she admitted to herself that she didn't know how much longer she could wait." (or something, it's too early for words)
As for the ending, yes it was rather abrupt, but I can see what you were trying to accomplish with it. Some more transition into the flashback would have helped, and likewise some transition back out of the flashback to the present. It also may have helped if you have us a tiny bit more after that last sentence. I'm not saying you should have said how Twilight kicked Rainbow's drunk flank out of her bedroom, just that you could have alluded to something more than just simply ending it. Maybe how Twilight brushed the tear away, her heart sinking as she skulked up to her bedroom to confront her marefriend (or not).
Please don't take any of this as offensive. The only purpose of this comment was to make some suggestions for you to improve your writing and to provide some constructive criticism on your story.
id like to see one last chapter where twilight realizes she made a mistake and winds up with applejack after some more drama with rainbow dash, if that's OK with you that is
3912073 I disagree with that so don't do it. Please and thank you.