Equestria was once ruled by what we know as Celestia and Luna. But, they were not always kind and merciful. They once were tyrannical beings of absolute power. That was their primal being. Since then, they have contained their power and become civilized. However, when the two sisters lose control of their primeval powers, when their alternate forms take over, there is no assurance of safety.
Cover art: "It's Too Late..." by The0ne-u-lost
deviantART page: http://the0ne-u-lost.deviantart.com/
Chapters (2)
In short : It flows way too fast, without enough buildup or explanation for what's happening.
Interesting... Proceed
3747753 Alright. I am changing some lines, entering new ones in to combat that. Is there anything else that I would need to do in order to better my writing? If I want to keep people engaged in this story, I must find my flaws.
THIS IS AWESOME
3750147
Focus on more natural dialogue and improving diction. Really, compare your writing to other stories of higher popularity and examine how the sentence structure/word choice differs. Right now the prose feels stilted.
3750274 Thanks. I plan to continue this story, another chapter is on its way.
It's fast, so very fast. Still probably better than my (now deleted) first was.
3751596 Haha you're welcome xD. And yay more storeh! ^_^
Ok well I'll be honest and say its good for a first try, however, you could improve it slightly. As this prologue is, it looks like, how most people refer to something like this, a 'wall of text.' Though small, I feel you can separate it out a bit. Kind of like this:
The things I've bolded are some things I think you could improve on. I'll go over them in order so bare with me.
It may read better if you replace that comma with a semicolon because the following sentence doesn't quite flow well on all on its own.
You could just omit 'split' and the sentence would still read fine.
The 'walking, running, sneaking' part sounds a little off and would be better if you just said 'running and sneaking.' I know walking and running are different but by just saying 'running' in place of the two, one can read and figure out that Twilight is constantly on the move which is the point you're trying to get across.
The next bolded one has a problem with receptiveness. "It has been 5 months since she has heard any voice other than her own, and 3 days since she has heard hers." I get what your trying to say, but you already stated how she has gone 5 months without hearing anyone's voice except hers, and after that you state again how long she has gone without hearing her voice specifically. This make the sentence very awkward to read. It can be fixed with a little bit of rewording.
The comma here should be replaced by a semicolon since the following is almost a complete thought.
'They' should be omitted. It reads better without it.
The period should be replaced with a comma since the following sentence can be connected with the conjunction, 'but.'
For the period here, i think an ellipse, -> ... <-, would fit nicely here for a nice pause to add a little bit of a drama to the story so when I read it I'm going, "Wow what happened to them...why are all evil and yadda yadda."
Overall it did catch my interest but only after I 'forced myself' to read this one, giant paragraph. Just fix up the prologue up a bit, space it out, and it should be good.
The chapter is good but the first few paragraphs are a little large and kind of offset me a bit. I also found some repetition in the chapter as well, so be mindful of that.
3751596 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?
p.s. Maybe some Flashlight could go with it.
4239919
It didn't start out as good or detailed as this. I actually shudder while reading the first take.
(Didn't use proofreading/editing first time around)
p.s.- This excludes any relationships, except the obvious basic friendship among the others. So, sorry, no romance or ships
4240608 I feel the same way. My story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings also have down votes. Want to check out my story?
4240651
Why not?
Eeee...
Alright, I am afraid you need to firstly, post this to r/mylittlefanfic and not the main sub. Secondly, this isn't...good. It's not the worst I've ever read by a long shot, and PLEASE...keep writing. Everyone's first attempt is bad.
You will need to write more. DO proceed with the writing and learn as much as you can from this. Write 90,000 words of it...then set fire to it and start over. Best thing you can do.
The main-sub doesn't like fanfics for some reason I have yet to determine.
-Chessie
That was great. An emotionally draining and drawn out fight between two sisters who keep saying how they don't want to hurt each other but only seem able to escalate things.