• Published 6th Jan 2014
  • 20,335 Views, 948 Comments

Rise of Sunbutt the Awesome - BobAlcove



Princess Celestia is the paragon of everything good and pure. And currently not available. Hi my name is Frank, the new guy in charge of this body and I'm here to fulfill all your princess needs. At least until I find something better to do.

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Making an impact...

Life has a way of turning out for the better.

Three days ago, Frank had to worry about things like paying the rent, not getting fired from his dead end job or his fear of ending as a old and lonely grouch. Now he was lying in a comfy beach chair on the sundeck of an luxurious airship, drinking selfmade alcoholic cocktails out of a bucket.

With Pinkie Pie.

“And then she told me I shouldn't do it anymore, because it's ‘morally questionable’. Can you believe the nerve of that mare?”

Frank nodded only half listening to her ramblings, taking another gulp from his bucket and thinking about how they got to this point.

When they arrived on deck earlier this day, he got rid of the armor and Pinkie instantly ran rampant on the ship.

While she was trying on armor from the armory, taking a dip in the hot tub, crawling into the cannons and a dozen other things Frank lost the overview over, he went to the storeroom to get her the promised ice cream.

They both sat down and started shoveling obscene amounts of ice cream down their throats. Frank hoped after she got her cold sugary treat, that Pinkie would finally chill a bit. But a Pinkie on sugar was an even more hyperactive Pinkie. Something he didn't thought possible.

Frank just gave up on following her, after she was practically bouncing like a ball all over the ship and he could only recognize Pinkie as an amorphous pink blob. Taking a seat on the sundeck with a cocktail bucket and a long straw, he lazily sprawled out and closed his eyes.

Until the shadow of a certain pink pony blocked his sunrays.

She had asked him what he was drinking and Frank just gave her a bucket, full of whatever he had mixed up at that time.

She didn't like it at first, saying it burned in her tummy and made her head feel funny. But after an hour and the twelfth or so round, she was lying beside him with an empty bucket as a hat.

“It's always ‘Pinkie don't do that!’ or ‘Pinkie that's too much!’ or ‘Pinkie what are you doing with my animals?’. She should change her name to Flutternag!”

Pinkie was a fun drunk. Losing control like regular Pinkie would, but with less sunshine and rainbows and more aggressive and outspoken.

“I mean seriously, the yellow bitch is one to talk to me about being ‘morally questionable’! I've seen the stuff she hides under her bed, the fricking hypocrite!”

And surprisingly mean!

“And don't get me started on Twilight Snarkle or Twiblight Sporkle… ah screw it, the purple book nerd princess thingy living in the wood thing!”

Frank snorted, while Pinkie stuck her head deep in the bucket she was holding and slurped loudly.

Feeling full of energy and the thirst for action after his rest, Frank got the urge to roam around town. “I'm getting kinda restless here Pinkie. Want to come with me, while I explore the town a bit?”

He got no answer from Pinkie and looked at her lying form, still with her head inside the bucket.

“Pinkie are you alright?”

His question was answered by a loud snoring noise. She had fallen asleep mid-slurp.

Deciding to let her sleep, Frank stood up and gently levitated the snoozing Pinkie on his beach chair. He then tried to lift the bucket from her head.

“Don't mess with my stuff, I'll mess you up…” mumbled Pinkie in her sleep doing some stabbing movements, before rolling away from Frank.

“Ok… Pinkamena seems to be a thing, have to be careful about that” thought Frank slowly backing away from Pinkie, who now held tightly onto the bucket.

He jumped off the airship, fast approaching the ground. In the last second, Frank opened his wings and stopped his fall. He had landed in the middle of the town center and according to the faces of the ponies walking around, made quite an entrance.

Ignoring the staring ponies, he walked casually down the street looking at the buildings he passed. Frank recognized quite a few shops from the show like Sugarcube Corner, the day spa Fluttershy and Rarity went to, the cafe Twilight and Spike had their lunch in ‘Ticket Master’, the bowling alley the crusaders played in and even ‘Quills and Sofas’.

In one of those shops he passed, Frank bought a camera, a baseball cap and sunglasses.

He felt like a tourist, sightseeing through town and pressing his face against the windows of houses and taking pictures of ponies like they were celebrities.

Lyra Heartstring's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, after he sat down beside her on the park bench human style and asked, if her favourite superhero was Superman or Batman.

And Frank never seen someone run as fast as Doctor Hooves, when he creeped behind him and screamed in a robotic tone ‘EXTERMINATE!’. Frank couldn't tell though, if it was because of him being the doctor or because he just simply startled the poor stallion.

He just stood there besides Bic Macintosh, who was selling apples at their stall and mimicked his stoic face saying ‘Eyup’ once in a while. The only movement of those two, came from Big Macintosh glancing over to Frank in silent confusion. Frank left after Big Mac offered him an apple to leave.

He tried it and he told Big Mac disappointed, that it tastes like a normal apple. Frank didn't have prove because he was too slow with the camera, but he swore at that moment Big Mac gave him the ‘You don't say?’ look.

Frank even found Derpy flying around town and to his delight she was delivering mail. He cringed though, after he accidently blinded her with the flash of his camera and she crashed right through a closed window.

“Just walk away slowly” thought Frank, backing away and whistling innocently.

His thoughts were interrupted by muffled sniffling and two soft speaking voices from a narrow alleyway.

“Come on Applebloom, cheer up! Diamond Tiara doesn't know what she is talking about!”

The sobs intensified and the second voice spoke up. “Yeah, don't listen to that nonsense. We will show her, once we get our cuite marks”

Looking in the alleyway, Frank saw a scene which broke his heart. There sat a disheveled, tear and snot-stained Applebloom, crying bitterly into the arms of her two best friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Her little red ribbon was lying beside her, shred to pieces.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked up and noticed the shadow he casted into the alleyway.

“Princess Celestia, you're really here in Ponyville!” said Sweetie Belle before looking at Applebloom, who got her face deeply burrowed into Scootaloo's chest, “please can you help Applebloom?”

And to his horror, her eyes also went moist and her lip started quivering.

“Hnng! Oh my god stop that! I am dying here!” thought Frank getting closer to them.

Frank took of his sunglasses. “Tell me what happened”

“Diamond Tiara happened!” snarled Scootaloo angrily, “the bitch destroyed Applebloom's ribbon, a heirloom from her passed mother!”

“Scootaloo, language!” gasped Sweetie Belle.

“But she is a bitch, a giant one,” said Scootaloo and hold Applebloom tighter, “and after doing that she said that a poor, ugly and smelly blank flank like her shouldn't wear pretty things, because it's wasted on her”

Applebloom sobbed harder, being reminded of the incident and Sweetie Belle glared at Scootaloo for reopening the mental wound.

Frank didn't care for the following argument, the two of them had. He only had eyes for the sad farm filly. As he picked up the shredded ribbon, his hoof was shaking. Without a word, he enveloped it in his magic and with a flash of light, the ribbon was whole again.

“There you go, good as new. Now stop crying and tell me yourself what's bothering you”

Applebloom took the ribbon, rubbing her red and swollen eyes.

“What if she's right princess? What if I never get a cutie mark and remain a useless blank flank for the rest of my life? Without one, I will never amount to anything!”

Frank had heard enough. This whole cutie mark as a status symbol thing got on his nerves, ever since it was introduced in the show. These kids would now learn something for life.Time to unload, some of his conspiracy theories about the show.

“Ok kids get behind me and look at my butt… wow, that sounded way better inside my head… anyway take a look and tell me what do you see?”

The three crusaders got closer and narrowed their eyes, trying to figure out what Frank wanted from them.

“Your cutie mark?” said Sweetie Belle.

Frank smiled and levitated his baseball cap on her head. “Exactly, and what is my cutie Mark and what does it tell you about me?”

“It's a sun and it says, that controlling the sun is what your good at?” said Scootaloo.

This time he levitated his sunglasses, putting it on Scootaloo. “I, also can control the moon and you can't see that on my flank. I'm a princess and there is no crown, no jewels or anything telling you that. Two days ago I ate an amount of pies, equivalent of my bodyweight times ten. I'm certain not many ponies can do that, but can you see a pie there?”

“What are you getting at princess?” said Applebloom and wiped the snot from her muzzle with her hoof.

This was the moment of truth. No going back now. Frank got ready to blow their minds.

“Ok I see, I have to spell it out for you. Come here I tell you a secret,” whispered Frank signaling them to get closer. They huddled around him and he looked above his shoulders, like making sure nobody listened in.

“Don't freak out when I tell you this, but cutie marks are a bunch of bullshit!”

They stared at him with expressionless faces. It took a while for them to process what they just heard. But then the dam broke.

“WHAT!?” screamed the three fillies on the top of their lungs.

“Shhh!” hushed Frank theatrically, making it a show to look nervous, “nopony needs to know that!”

The little fillies looked positively shaken, glancing at each other and not sure what to make out of this revelation.

“What do you mean with that princess? How are they bullshit?” said Sweetie Belle and then put a hoof on her mouth in shock, when she noticed she had said a bad word.

“I mean just what I said. They appear totally at random and the ponies just put a meaning on them, when there is none. Like a horoscope or fortune telling, cutie marks are just make believe and don't mean a damn thing!”

“Prove it!” said Scootaloo in defiance flaring her wings.

Frank grinned. “Gladly, for one there are also ponies, who choose careers with no connection whatsoever to their cutie marks”

He looked around for a good example. His eyes fell on a certain gray pegasus with a blonde mane, flying more wobbly than before.

“Like, Derpy over there has bubbles as a cutie mark and works as a post mare. What sense does that make?”

“But why are there so many ponies, with matching ones?” said Sweetie Belle.

Frank loved it. They were asking the exactly right questions. He rembered this question in particular from a discussion board and the heated argument, he had with a fellow brony on this one.

“That's the funny part! Can't you see? They don't really do! They choose a career, matching to their cutie marks and got good at it. Not the other way around!”

“Ok, maybe I unload a little bit much on their little heartdrives, ah screw it let's go all out” thought Frank.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Frank pointing at her and she went rigid, “take your sister Rarity and how she got her cutie mark for example. When she found those gems in the rock, she could have just as easily decided to become a very successful miner. Being talented at finding valuable ore and having diamonds as a cutie mark, nopony would have questioned that decision”

He made a short pause, to emphasise the next part. “But she came to a different conclusion, one who made sense to her at the time and she stuck with it”

Frank could practically see the wheels turning in their heads. He waited with bated breath for them to get to a conclusion. They all did eventually and it shook every single one of them to the core.

“I think I have to sit down…” said Sweetie Belle turning green and took off the baseball cap, “so all we have done to this day was pointless and nothing actually mattered?”

Frank grimaced. “You still don't get it, do you? You can be whatever you want, before and even after you got your cutie mark”

“Why doesn't everypony know?” said Scootaloo pointing a hoof at Frank, trying to find a loophole.

“Would you tell a pony, he or she chose his or her destiny in life on a lie? How would that make someone like Applejack feel?”

“She would be devastated…,” said Applebloom, “but why tell us?”

“Because you haven't choosen anything yet and I noticed how you needlessly make your life harder worrying. Knowing what you do, you can focus on enjoying life without having the pressure of finding your destiny”

Frank raised an eyebrow. “I mean you did have fun doing stuff together, am I right?”

“Well, crusading in general was kinda fun and now we can safely skip the lame stuff!” said Scootaloo, shrugging with her shoulders.

“Even so,” said Applebloom gloomily kicking a pebble, “there is still the problem of Diamond Tiara bullying us about being blank flanks and we can't tell her what you told us for the reason you just said!”

“How many friends does she have?” said Frank scratching his chin.

Sweetie Belle thought about it for a second. “Only Silver Spoon I guess, the rest more or less tolerates her”

“Oh no,” groaned Scootaloo annoyed, “I know what you are gonna suggest. To show her how being friends with us is so much more fun than being a bully. We heard that advice a thousand times already!”

Frank liked that kid. She had the right idea of life. “Oh by Tartarus no! Actually, what I wanted to say is that there are two of them and three of you”

“So, what?”

“So Scootaloo, the next time Diamond Tiara and Silver Spon decide to bother you, you take those adorable little hooves of yours and bash their heads with them!”

The three of them were flabbergasted from that advice, most of all Applebloom. “My sister says violence is never an option! She says to turn the other cheek and to be the bigger pony!”

Frank deadpanned. “If you are content with being the moral winner maybe, I for one like to win in general”

“But we will get grounded if we do that!” whined Sweetie Belle flailing with her hooves.

“Probably,” said Frank dryly, “but during that time you can sit in your rooms with the knowledge, that those two are wetting themselves in fear of your return and will think twice before starting trouble again”

Scootaloo scratched her head. “Isn't that bullying?”

“Only if you don't stop,” said Frank matter-of-factly, “a bully is somepony who does bad things to ponies, who didn't do anything to him or her. Once they stop, you stop. It's just a matter of your willingness to go the distance against them. It's that simple”

The three crusaders looked at each other. In a funny kind of way, this made sense to them and they listened intently for the next part.

“Some ponies don't listen to rhyme or reason. The only way to overcome them is with having the longer breath, while you strangle each other!”

The three of them went pale and he hastily continued. “Only metaphorically speaking of course”

“Guess, we could try that,” said Applebloom and the other two nodded.

Frank smiled and then gave the three of them a bag, which he materialized out of thin air. “There you go, now cheer up and go buy yourself something”

He left them in the alley, continuing his walk through town. They opened the bag and it was full with bits. More money than any of them had ever seen in their life.

“We are rich!”

“Let's go to Sugarcube Corner and buy milkshakes!”

“I want a new scooter!”

“And a new toolbox!”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo turned to Applebloom.

“What? I like tools!”

They all smiled and gave eachother a hoofbump.

“CUTIE MARK CRU…..”

They stopped, suddenly deep in thought. Applebloom spoke first.

“We need a new name…”


A few streets away...


Frank felt really good about himself, solving the problems of those fillies.

“Your Highness!”

Frank turned around, to see a pony with a grey mane and a tan coloured coat, running towards him from the distance. The voice was female, but Frank didn't recognize it. He waited for her to get closer to identify her.

Several feet away, Frank recognized the mare as Mayor Mare the mayor of Ponyville.

Out of breath from her short gallop, she gasped for air between words, making it difficult for Frank to understand what she was saying.

“Your… Highness… so good to… an honor… having… *gasp*...”

Several seconds later, she finally regained composure and coughed slightly.

“Ahem, beg your pardon princess. I heard the news of your stay in Ponyville and tried to find you as soon as possible. Let me be one of the first to tell you, what an honor it is to have your Highness as a guest in our humble town and furthermore...”

Frank's eyelids drooped as the flattering chatter turned to white noise. She was so obviously kissing his flank, he feared he would get stains on his coat from her lipstick.

“...Even more more so, for having you back for the Summer Sun Celebration next week”

At this he perked up and turned his full attention to her again. “Next Week?”

Mayor Mare stopped her tirade, looking confused at Frank. “Yes your Highness, next week. Six days to be exact. Isn't that the reason, why you are here?”

“Yeah, something like that,” said Frank thinking about the possibilities presented to him right now. He would have to get more information later from a different source, who was less suspicious of him.

But for now, he decided to have a little fun with Mayor Mare.

“Now that I think about you can help me. I want to visit one of my closest friends. Can you show me the way?”

Mayor Mare's face brightened, eager to show her worth to the princess. “Of course, your Highness! I know every citizen of Ponyville. Who is it?”

Seemingly absentminded, he fiddled with his camera. “Oh a lovely individual, who I value very highly and has been such a huge help for my priced pupil Twilight Sparkle. I think you know her, her name is Zecora”

Mayor Mare's eyes went wide. “The zebra?”

“Exactly, she is a wonderful mare,” said Frank with a huge grin, “it broke my heart when I heard she was forced to live in the Everfree Forest, fending for herself, only because of some superstitious nonsense! An atrocity, you of course fought with all of your might against, didn't you?”

Mayor Mare started sweating.

“Of course you did, why am I asking this?” said Frank waving it off with a smile, but then he glared at her, “you know If there is something, that I hate more than racism and bigotry, it's ponies who idly stand by and let it happen!”

Frank smacked the now stone silent Mayor Mare on the shoulder.

“Fortunately, this nasty affair has been resolved and she is now with no doubt, a valued and welcomed inhabitant of Ponyville”

Frank of course knew, that Zecora wasn't living in Ponyville. But nobody else knows, if Celestia knew that.

“To think, that there are ponies, who would let such a kind soul live in such circumstances. Honestly it makes my royal blood boil!”

Mayor Mare looked into the angry face of Frank gulping, but then he dropped the scowl as if nothing had happened.

“So anyway where is the house, you as a responsible leader of Ponyville provided for a mare of her calibre?”

Frank seen this look on Mayor Mare's face before. He himself looked like that a bunch of times. This was the face of someone, whose brain worked on max capacity to find a lie to get out of a sticky situation. She would lie right to his face and Frank couldn't wait to hear with what she would come up with.

“You see princess, I could bring you to her house, but she isn't home right now”

Retreat to fight another day. A classic, but it would require a lot of postprocessing on her part to make it work. Frank would play for now and make it a little bit more difficult for her.

“Oh that is a pity, but I am happy you are so close that she would tell you something like that”

“Yeah, we sure are” said Mayor Mare nervously avoiding eye contact.

“I tell you what, I will invite you both for tea at my ship and then you can tell me, how you two got such good friends”

“It would be my pleasure princess,” said Mayor Mare through her teeth, twitching with her left eye.

Frank had to try hard to surpress an evil smile. “I'm sure it is”

They both turned their heads, when a loud bang could be heard all over Ponyville.

Followed by an explosion and a large smoke pillar outside of town. He could see the front cannon of his ship smoking and on it a pink dot jumping up and down. Frank had a hunch what the target had been and got it confirmed seconds later.

“WHO'S MORALLY QUESTIONABLE NOW, FLUTTERNAG!?”

Pinkie really was a mean drunk.

“Good thing she asked me for a new house...” said Frank strutting back to the ship, leaving a wordless Mayor Mare standing on the street.

Later ponies would say, they saw a pink and yellow blur coming from the smoke pillar, heading with a primal scream towards the ship and the dancing pink pony on the cannon.

It took the whole weather team stationed that day, including Rainbow Dash, to keep Fluttershy from pummeling Pinkie senseless and to finally pull her off the drunk party pony.

Author's Note:

Now I have to think about a new name for the CMC.

Any suggestions? :)