Stuck in the Closet

Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #1 · Jan 4th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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I enjoy bondage stories.

tsaukpaetra

tsaukpaetra #2 · Apr 26th, 2014 · · ·

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Hey, not everyone has great intelligence...
Keep going! ;)

CHeighlund

CHeighlund #3 · Jun 24th, 2014 · · ·

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First thoughts -
'Made coffee'. However, judging from the next little bit, not 'drank coffee'. I can only assume that completely missing the gigantic bug-thing in your bathroom when first stepping inside results from the lack of caffeine.

Slight comma issues near the beginning; feels like there are a few too many, and at least one (before 'number one') is in the wrong place. (It's right in front of 'number', no space.)

'waiting to murder my face' - no, Page, it doesn't want to murder your face, it just wants to borrow your face for a while. Of course, good luck getting it returned.

Grammatical nitpick - when Cherry threw her jacket in the closet, jacket description includes "it's purple cloth" - should be "its" instead of "it's"

Page's description of how she treats Cherry - last sentence is a question. Even if it's being shouted, I think it still gets the question mark.

Scene where the changeling is carting Page off - 'Suddenly the lights flipped on.' Given that everything else is in present tense, that 'flipped' should probably just be 'flip'. Also, a few sentences later, 'I raised an eyebrow' - should be 'raise'.

Scene describing Cherry's punch - swaps from present tense to past tense; feels a bit off as a result.

Page's battle rush scene - I'm sorry, but I can't read that without hearing the theme song from 'Popeye' playing in my head. It just fits the scene so well.

Oh, and in Cherry's defense? I'm sure she's not a moron, she's just observationally challenged.

Thresha8