Battle of Mages

Twilight gets sick of having to deal with the everfree forest and everything in it (except Zecora) and hires two Mages to help defend ponyville

Has Final Fantasy based OC's

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Dropbear

Dropbear #1 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · Prologue: 1st mission ·

Come on author, black mages are black and grouchy.

Plus the magic Kindergarten threat, really?

Starlight Shadow

Starlight Shadow #2 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · · Prologue: 1st mission ·

Firstly, this needs to be a bit longer. I'm going to seem like a hypocrite for saying this, as the only prologue I have ever written was less than one thousand words, but if you're introducing your main characters here, you need to flesh them out more, go a little deeper into their relationship. I know exposition can seem like a chore to write at times and you just want to get into it, but you have to write a good few paragraphs of it to give your reader a grasp of what in the name of Princess Luna is going on. For example:

Now go the the docking platform you'll be on you way and here is your item voucher for your mission good for 5 ethers and 5 elixirs each.

The who, the where, and the what now? What is the docking platform, what does this do, what is an item voucher, and what do ethers and elixirs do? Not everyone has played Pokemon, and even if they have, these ethers and elixirs could have different effects. You need to tell us more. Also, run-on sentence.

And describe where we are and what these characters are doing more. Invest a paragraph in describing this ship or wherever we are, just give us more exposition and a tad more development. Also, you might want to get an editor or pre-reader, I'd be happy to edit for you.

Dropbear