The Portal Every Brony Wants

Ion-Sturm

Ion-Sturm #1 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 11 · ·

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It may be the portal that everyone wants, but this is the story no one's interested in.

SosukeRyou

SosukeRyou #2 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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1411333

Your comment is the reason why there should be a comment like button on fimfiction.

Evil Homer

Evil Homer #3 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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1411333
Zing! Couldn't have said it better myself.

I tried to read this, I really did but my brain just couldn't handle the amount of weapons grade stupid that this fic generated.

500 years in the future but MLP still exists, people still talk the way they do now, have the same names, identify themselves as "gamers", are able to create physical images of things in their minds through the power of SCIENCE and they just walk through portals without even thinking of what might be on the other side.

And one of them is a genius who doesn't sound any smarter than the two dumbasses she's with.

Oh, and they level up through fighting which probably indicates this isn't an actual portal but in fact some neato torpedo kind of VR game.

Yeah, I've got nothing else to say about this other than, "WTF were you thinking?"

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #4 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 2 · ·

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The year is 2500 and world is at peace. Some countries still dislike each other but they learned to love and tolerate just like everyone else. Now I stand before a portal that just appeared here.

Gee, I can tell this is going to be a wonderfully paced story.

So you were playing a video game and then, portal? Seriously, if you rush through your story instead of developing it, your story will be flooded with thumbs downs. Like I always say, details are your best friend. Another thing I need to point out is that I cannot read this worth shit because your punctuation is non-existent (along with characterization, development, or any semblance of story).

mega great grandparents

How old is your character? Better yet, how old are you? If it's younger than 12, that would explain the crappy literacy. Anyways, Twilight sounds pretty chill for having just discovered three alien beings. Come to think of it, everyone sounds pretty chill about the change in their surroundings. Then again, with your inability to explain actions, feelings, or anything that would make a story remotely interesting, I'm sure everyone will be chill as well. Twilight would not be taking this situation so casually, she would study the shit out of your characters. You need to understand canon characters before you write a fic about them.

And with one look into those big eyes of hers I felt like I could never be mad at her.

When was she sounding sad? How would your walking into the portal be her fault? What are your character's motivations? I'm so confused.

Anyways, so everyone's like "I'm stuck on a world that's foreign to mine, whatever," instead of freaking out about, oh, you know, NOT BEING ABLE TO GET BACK HOME!

So another portal opens up near the Everfree Forest, because fuck you, and they're about to be attacked by a monster. How are they going to get out of this one?

"Hey I got a plan." Zack said as he used a small holoscreen he pulled out using the chip in his head that we all get installed at brith. He used the part that allows you to make an image in your mind real. He made a buster sword from Final Fantasy 7 for me light enough to carry I might add. Lighting's sword from Final Fantasy 13 for Jessica. Then he made a keyblade from Kingdom Hearts for himself. Twilight just stood there amazed at the technology we just used to get our weapons.

...

WHAT?!?!?

I'm sorry, I cannot continue; the stupid in this fic is WAY too strong. There's really no suggestions I can make except look at the featured stories. See what they're doing right, and make a fic based off of those observations. In the meantime, get an editor who will clean up your literacy and formatting.

I'm out. Peace.

FoughtDragon01

FoughtDragon01 #5 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 3 · ·

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Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, God. We have a stinker, and it reeks with the usual signs.

Bad capitalization in the title? Check.

Countless spelling and grammar errors? Check.

Bland and cliché description? Check.

Another goddamn motherfcking 'Brony in Equestria' story? Fcking check.

Let's not waste any more time. Let's dive into this.

The year is 2500 and the world is at peace. Some countries still dislike each other, but they learned to love and tolerate just like everyone else.

Wow, that's quite the setup you've got going on there, author. Care to, I don't know, explain how the hell that all happened? Can you explain what significance this adds to the story? The world is at peace thanks to the godsend that is MLP. Bullsht, but okay. Why does this matter? The year is 2500. For such a futuristic year, you do fck all to describe any of it. You can't just throw this sort of thing at us and expect us to buy it. Use descriptive imagery. Paint a picture for us. Give us background info, stuff that builds up to this point. Fail to do that, and you may as well have kept this in the present time for all that it adds to the story.

Now I stand before a portal that just appeared here. My friends and I just stood in amazement from it.

Two sentences. We're two sentences into the story and you're already bringing up the good, ol' 'portal that comes right the fck out of nowhere' gag. Oh, I'm sorry. It was a mistake made by Twilight. 'Cause this story wasn't unoriginal enough, right? The 'portal to Equestria' plot point has already been beaten, burned, and smothered to death by the Devil's asscheeks, so the very least you could do is have an inkling of originality in explaining where the fck this portal came from.

What follows is the usual tripe. Stilted, forced, and boring as hell character descriptions, virtually no build up, Brony immediately knows where they are, immediately meets a main character, it's all the same, boring, tired--wait a minute.

"That (Those!) looks like monsters of from some old retro games from the 1990's."

…What?

"Hey I got a plan." Zack said as he used a small holoscreen he pulled out using the chip in his head that we all get installed at brith. He used the part that allows you to make an image in your mind real. He made a buster sword from Final Fantasy 7 for me light enough to carry I might add. Lighting's sword from Final Fantasy 13 for Jessica. Then he made a keyblade from Kingdom Hearts for himself.

What?!

First of all, how the fck do kids in the 26th century still know what Final Fantasy is? Unless Square Enix got all the way up to fcking FF 372, that's a lot to swallow. I mean, what the hell? You couldn't just describe what the damn things look like? It still would've been just as confusing, but it's a helluva lot better than name dropping weapons from a game some people haven't even played!

Second of all, these 'chips' of yours. Explain where they came from, goddamn it! You can't just throw in random bullsht for plot convenience and expect us to buy it. It doesn't work that way. This just lazy writing through and through. I'm sorry, but you are going to have to do a lot, and I mean a lot if you want any hope of--ARE THOSE GAME STATS?!

End of chapter stats
Mike LV: 1
Hp: 400
Atk: 5
Def: 4
Exp: 100
Next lvl: 200
Zack LV: 1
HP: 350
Atk: 3
Def: 6
Exp: 100
Next lvl: 200
Jessica LV: 1
Hp: 450
Atk: 6
Def: 3
Exp: 100
Next lvl: 200

I don't…I can't…I…I…No! Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nay, I say! Nay! The power of no compels you!

Get help. Seriously. Get it, right now. You. Need. It.

(P.S Capitalize your fcking title. The Portal Every Brony Wants.) Ugh.

Hurgusburgus

Hurgusburgus #6 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 1 · ·

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My entire reaction can be conveyed through this picture.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/346/207/6dd.png

Fareseed

Fareseed #7 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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Okay, I don't know if even someone can riff this thing.

I never thought I would use the dislike button.

This thing is not worthy more of my time.

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #8 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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WHAT?

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #9 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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Okay, I accidently typed in too many zeros into the text size function and now I can't get rid of the comment.

FoughtDragon01

FoughtDragon01 #10 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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1412475
Easily the most interesting thing about this fic so far. What were you trying to say anyway?

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #11 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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1412650 I was reacting to the leveling up (I rage-quitted after the "weapon brain-chips), and "screaming," "WHAT?!?"

Jade Curtiss

Jade Curtiss #12 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 1 · ·

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My reaction in a nutshell.

So much fail. And then you bring FF7 and KH weapons into this!?

Maybe KH3 will finally be released by the time this fic takes place.

The Crimson Brony

The Crimson Brony #13 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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Arrgh! What be this? Another badly written fic?
The Crimson Brony likes not the way this looks or reads. It be confusing and makes no sense to this old sea dog.
Bah! I be done with this fic and go off in search of treasure. (*fires cannons at fanfic*)
Har har har Jim Boy! There it goes down to Davey Joneses Locker where it belongs. Now where be me rum and me wench?

Yaargh! The Crimson Brony has spoken!

Cunt_Crusader

Cunt_Crusader #14 · Oct 9th, 2012 · · ·

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1411333

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

Ion-Sturm

Ion-Sturm #15 · Oct 10th, 2012 · · ·

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1411464
1411655
1414607
Fank yew, fank yew. I'll be here till last Friday!

Calirolls

Calirolls #16 · Oct 10th, 2012 · · ·

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1411333
You. You sir, deserve a cookie.

Ion-Sturm

Ion-Sturm #17 · Oct 10th, 2012 · · ·

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1415606
I prefer pie, but I suppose I shall take what I can get.

UnweptSchlipps

UnweptSchlipps #18 · Oct 10th, 2012 · 1 · ·

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End of chapter stats

Writer's LVL: -4
Formatting: -13
Pace: FUCKIN FAST
Grammar: What grammar?
Dialogue; -27, a.k.a. Dry as Cardboard
Storyline: WTF?
Next lvl: Hopefully never...

Calirolls