A kingdom by the name of FlutterVye is being ruled by a tyrant by the name of Dark Spectre. He was once a close friend, but being a changeling, insanity took over his complex mind. He overthrew the ruler, and now ruled over them, with a companion at his side. Known as the Psycho Dark Pony. She is a crazed mare, not knowing bad from good. She serves at his side, and watches every pony else suffer. One day, the crazed tyrant Dark Spectre told the young mare to send a letter to a former friend. Wizzle Piff. What will happen next? Find out by reading the story!
~Grr
Chapters (12)
...Well now.
...I'm a little sad. But happy. I liked Dark Spectre. Kind of...
You toy with my emotions.
...That's a really good thing to be able to do.
But, be careful of the Questions. And by the way, " What? " should be; "What?"
...You know, Questinos sounds like it could be a Kingdom...
Otherwise, I quite like this story. It only feels a little rushed. I find myself saying this a lot, but don't be afraid to slow down. Take time, and get that picture to form in the reader's mind. Use plenty of detail, and explain everything you can.
In any case, I'm interested in the direction this is going to take from here.
Potential is evident,
-Time Centruion
3667724 I'm glad you like it, I'm not very familiar with writing stories, and I always liked toying with others emotions. I'll try my best to be in very much of detail, haha. Thanks for your advice.
~Grr
I'm hoping I'm not rushing things too too much.
~Grr
I agree with Time Centurion. The story feels rushed, but has potential. To me, it feels like this whole story so far would be the ending of a story, with the cruel ruler killed and all becoming well again. Perhaps a little back-story, the events leading up to Dark Spectre's insanity would help. For example:
These reference an earlier time period that you can build off of; a time when Dark Spectre was not cruel and evil. Consider starting from there, when Wizzle was ruler and Dark was just coming into the picture. Build the relationships: how did Dark come to know all these ponies? How did he become such a beloved friend? Lead up to how Dark became ruler, and his slow descent into insanity and cruelty.
In short: this whole story so far looks like the ending to what could be a very good story. We know where we're going to end it, so now we need to learn how it all began.
I edited the first chapter, adding somewhat of a back story. Could you guys check it out for me, and tell me if it's any good? It took me quite a while to type it all up.
~Grr
I'm really really really sorry if I don't update quickly,
I have a lot of things to attend to, like school and things of that matter.
I'll keep trying though!
~Grr
Heyo everypony, please do so tell me upon how I did with this chapter, please, I want to know if I am doing any good with this story.
Please and thanks.
Sincerely,
~Flow
Good job,Miss Flow.You dropped this on the ground.Again.
-LuckyLeaf
Good job, Miss!Now,on to the next chapter!
4689470
Thank you Lucky. But sorry to break it to you the story is completed. I could do an after story, but that's if others agree with you, then I shall think about doing so.
Although it would take a great amount of time.
~Flow
4689470
Thank you Lucky. But sorry to break it to you the story is completed. I could do an after story, but that's if others agree with you, then I shall think about doing so.
Although it would take a great amount of time.
~Flow