Sometimes, ponies get busy. Sometimes, sorry isn't enough. Sometimes, good things start to fall apart and nothing can fix them. Even though she's been dating Fluttershy for a while now, Applejack is lonely. Something needs to change.
My submission to the AppleShy Contest.
Edited, Pre-read, and brainstorm'd by the inestimable Lion.
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G'dang, but you pull off melancholy well, Midnight. There's definitely something wrong between AJ and Fluttershy, and you've got me both looking forward to and dreading finding out what, specifically, it is and how (or if
) they deal with it.
I suppose my one criticism is that the beginning leaves me a little lost. In medias res is a thing, of course, but it almost feels like it's being used here in order to not have to bother with the context, rather than as a tool to open the story with an interesting scene and back it up with context later. I suspect this may be a habit picked up from TMP, where there isn't time to set things up from the start.
Speaking of, good job on finally writing a longer-format story! Knew you could do it.
On one last note, is it intentional that this story doesn't have any genre tags? Or did you forget to check them?
I'll echo the genre tags mention as well as a bit of confusion as to the beginning. It might be worthwhile to add a bit more to the story description to prevent the opening from the presentation of those two's relationship being so jarring. Other than that, I quite enjoyed it and I see their relationship as quite plausible, even if reading the story makes me kind of wish I knew how their whole relationship came about in the first place.
I like this story quite a bit so far. It's nice to see you writing a longer story. Great work.
3647210 3648790 The en media res thing is definitely a filthy TMP habit that got exacerbated by trying to write 6-7 chapters during finals week like the idiot I am. I'll probably go back and find a way to make the beginning more graceful as soon as I have the other chapters written and posted. Also like the idiot that I am, genre tags are a thing. That I will fix as soon as I finish this comment.
Thanks for the support on my first longer work ... It's both liberating and terrifying to have so much time for plot development.
3649051 Yup, I know that feeling. It's quite exciting. I look forward to the next chapter
Wow, wasn't expecting you to post the last three chapters so quickly. It was an enjoyable story, Midnight, thanks for writing it.
3651571 My muse is a slave-driver sometimes, and I didn't stop writing until 5 am, at which point I couldn't stop myself from hitting the submit button. And now I'm revising parts I didn't like because control freak.
Still, glad you liked it. I think it needs about 20% less melodrama, but we'll see what actually happens.
Well I've only got one more contest story (Homeward Bound) to read, but it will keep until I wake up.
This story was much better than the other two I read, though. It had some reasonable back and forthing, the buildup of the conflict, the characters trying stuff and failing, and eventually it all coming together in the end.
I thing both AJ and Shy were out of character, specially Shy.
3658187 Aight, fair enough. Care to specify, or is that all you're gonna say on the matter?
Eeee! You wrote longer ponywords! I will read this at work tonight, yes yes yes.
3656289
I totally agreed with this opinion.
This is a great AppleShy story. I love how the conflict felt real and that it wasn't one sided. The ending was adorable with a sight set on a possible future, but happy to keep things the way they are, for now.
4349069 Glad you enjoyed it. I'm always convinced that every conflict has many sides, and I have an obsession with how a breakdown in communications can lead to some really nasty drama without seeming contrived. I'm also bad at definite, happy endings, so I'm glad the ambiguously happy, hopes-for-the-future end worked for you.
Thanks for the lovely comment and fave!
Aaaawe, poor Bloom!
4696088 Yep. It's tough, suddenly losing a big part of your life like that.
Beautifully done AppleShy story!
Wow this is almost criminally underrated.
I had always wanted a more realistic version of a relationship in a fic. Too many were simply idealistic romances at the best of times.
This was very well done and left on a cute bittersweet note.
Bravo sir like and fav well earned.
Decent, you write a good applejack but you didn't write fluttershy very well, she felt more like a combination of dash & twilight rather that the yellow Pegasus,
This makes no sense in the context of the conversation they're having. It might, if they'd had a previous argument or something, I could see this being something Fluttershy would get defensive about. But the audience has no idea, so in the moment Fluttershy might as well be talking about kumquats for how much sense it makes. Even if the context is the issue what I think it is (AJ thinking she has to do everything for Fluttershy, always being the "hero," like she was with taking her up to bed), the moment that Fluttershy gets angry at AJ about it is several paragraphs too late. It doesn't make sense to answer AJ's insecurity and loneliness with this angry and defensive "hero" line. It's incorrectly timed, and because of that, it makes Flutters out to be a huge bitch.
I know this is an old fic, and the author hasn't even been online in over a year, but for a fic that's literally never gotten any constructive criticism, I couldn't just let this lie un-commented-on.
Damn Fluttershy even I felt that one lol. I love it.