SolaireE
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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oh yea my first... first
this looks like fun....
cant wait 4 the rest
please make more
not bad, this story has potential, and I like it.
not bad, Can't wait to see what happens next!
Oh, you bastard!
FUCK!
One day I gonna get you! CLIFFHANGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
You anger me sir... Expect a present with a ticking noise on your doorstep, on Christmas. *devilish smile*
Lol he shoots her in the leg!
well then...... looks like jack is about to have some fun
AAAWWWWEEEE SHIIITTTT! SHIT IS GOIN' DOWN! JACK YOU LUCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Okay, you NEED to cover these here 'inheritance Laws' at some point.
Hahahahaha! Zelda!
Thnks for clarifying that law, but why were you compelled to go for a Zelda reference?
Has no-one played any other action/adventure game?
next chapter
Jack picks up an ocarina what the hell? An ocarina i swear if i travel through time i will lose my shit
3660539
Actually cause it made sense in the reference of things. Literally speaking when I thought up this concept, I was thinking "Rod of Seasons" which is an item from the franchise.
3660991 I understand, but the dungeon crawl moment being based on Zelda is so overused that it's almost a cliché.
The object(ive) is irrelevant to the dungeon in that regard. Hell, you could have done it in a style like a Skyrim dragon-priest temple.
3661020
I'm saving the Skyrim reference for a later chapter, and honestly, with the way the MLP universe is, I'd hate to try and delve into Draugrs and the undead - yet.
3661788 Then what about the dwarven construct like the dwarven sphere and centurion?
I just read through the entire story. It was fairly enjoyable, and it looks like you have frequent updates, but the individual chapters are short. The plot has advanced at a nice pace from when Jack woke up in the forest to now, but I have no emotional investment in the characters so far.
The descriptions of the characters and everything else is very sparse. I know Tempest has blue hair, green eyes, a white coat, and a fit body, but I don't know what kind of pony she is, how tall she is compared to anything, how long her hair is, or anything else about her physical description. The same could be applied to other ponies in general. Do their legs end in hooves or feet? Jack wears boots, so I would assume he has feet, but I could be wrong. How tall are they? How much do they weigh? How do the Princesses and Nightmare Moon compare to the average pony? These sort of things are important to convey the setting and actions of the characters.
When characters are described, they're usually given descriptions that aren't all that solid. Fluttershy is described as having a body like a supermodel. Okay, she's pretty, but what kind of pretty? Does she have a slime and lithe body with legs that seem to go on for miles, or does she have a hourglass figure accentuated by how buxom she is with a narrow waist before her sides flair out into child bearing hips?
Then there's the problem that I don't feel emotionally invested in the characters. At the moment, the main reason I don't want Jack to die is because that would mean the story would end, and I don't want that because you seem to be rather promising as a writer. You just need more experience and polish, but the only way to get any of that is to actually write and have constructive feedback. That reason, however, is not good for Jack and his friends/fuckbuddies. After all, if you abruptly ended this story, started a new one, and I found it I would be fine. I wouldn't be in distress or overwhelmingly happy because I don't have an emotional investment or attachment to him. That means you need to come up with a way for me, the reader, to relate with Jack and any other important characters as a fellow
humanponyperson and not as a bunch of letters on a screen. A few scenes that brought me closer with Jack include the flashback where he was learning conjuration from Zecora, when Jack rearranged the unconscious guards into compromising positions, and Jack's interactions with Zecora and Applejack. Jack fishing with Leonidas could be a great way to make him to be more of a person. In short, you need to do some character building if you want to take this to the next level. You have a solid framework, good progression, and a solid grasp of grammar which is more than a lot of writers, but a person is more than just a skeletal system and vital organs; this story needs meat on it's bones and some personality.On a different topic, I have to agree that Jack's new-found control of the seasons really isn't that big of a deal. Jack's ability to conjure things makes that rather superfluous. S far as I can recall, Jack needs to know the form and function of the object that he wants to conjure. Sure, he needs to concentrate and have enough magic to pull it off, but he can make items from fictional games that are both magical and not. He has made a cloaking device from Metal Gear and a enchanted tunic from The Legend of Zelda. He could make a Pip-Boy 3000, The Sword of Evil's Bane, or even the star ship Enterprise; her ongoing mission, to figure out if the sun Equestria orbits the planet or if Celestia has just conned everyone for the last thousand years. Sure, it would take an absurd amount of magic to create a vessel that's more than a couple hundred meters long, but it could be theoretically possible, and the wasn't a limit on the amount of time he had to spend on something. A portion here, a portion there, and eventually you'll get something big that isn't going to magically disappear on you.
I wish you well, and I hope that I was helpful.
Your grammar took a bit of a hit, but I otherwise enjoyed this chapter. Jack/Eric's description gave me a good idea of what he looked like when he was human, and the entire chapter made him feel more real. The everyday details like how Eric had a job at McDonald's, was living with his parents, and was saving for a car both described him and showed how he had everyday concerns before his trip departure to Equestria. From that information alone, I'd put Eric somewhere between 16 to 19. I'd lean closer to the 16 side of the range which is a far cry from the early to mid twenties that I thought he was at the beginning of the story. Eric's interaction with his family was nicely done. The part with Eva was especially well done. I liked how she gave him is Christmas present from her before he left, and it was made even better by the fact that the present went with him back to Equestria.
I smiled at the interaction between Jack and Tempest. Overall, it wasn't as good as the part with his family or previous sections I brought up last time, but it had some important information. First, Tempest is a unicorn. Then there's the part where Jack said, "That's why I love you." I know some people that say that just because it's a common saying or phrase, and I get the sense that Jack meant it that way as well. Tempest, however, seems to have taken it a bit more seriously than that. I can't really fault her for that though since the prince that tapped her like a keg just told her he loved her.
I'm pleased to read that the upcoming chapters are going to be different than past ones. If you have any specific questions or would like a second opinion on something, feel free to send me a PM.
Apparently a lot has happened behind the scenes from when Jack woke up on the train to this point in the story. Well, it's either that or Tempest has been paying close attention to Jack since they first met, and the time between when he received his power over the seasons and the train ride was longer than I thought it was. I think it would be interesting to see just how Jack is violating protocol for Tempest's feelings.
The portion with Twilight made me laugh. I found where she was thinking to herself to be especially funny. She's such a silly girl. She had no time for friendship earlier, but later learned it was a special kind of magic. I wonder how much more powerful true love would be if she ever bothered to discover it?
Vinyl and Octavia's descriptions were well done, and the scenes where Jack had conversations with others were well done. However, the part where Tempest told her friends who Jack was happened to be worse than a cliffhanger since not only were their reactions not shown, but the story continued as well. I liked the part where Applebloom asked what a manslut was. I wonder how the element of honesty is going to talk her way out of that one.
Now that you have given characters more concrete descriptions and are your way to making the characters people that can be identified with, I'll unload some more advice/suggestions onto you before I am without internet for a week.
The first task will be easy. It deals with word choice. Here's a part from this chapter so I can demonstrate:
In this instance, both 'powerful' and 'vulnerable' are repeated very close together. This is distracting and takes away from the story. It would be easy to change the first 'powerful' to a different word because it doesn't contrast with 'somber,' which is why you have 'yet' there. The second part is a mess and should be rewritten. Here's an example as to how I'd rework it:
The way he sung was somber yet encouraging. The song felt powerful, but he made it sound vulnerable at the same time, and it made him seem vulnerable as well.
In short, try not to use the same word too close to itself.
Here's the second part.
Writing sentences in the present tense is great.
Sentences written in past tense are wonderful as well.
Sentences that are written in past tense that are suddenly bounding forth with excitement and energy in the present tense mess with the flow of the sentence and distract readers.
Here are more example:
I personally prefer past tense since it lends itself more to story telling than present tense does. Here are some examples of how I would change those sentences:
Tempest exclaimed as she hurried over to her friends and left behind a stunned Jack.
Jack said in an unsure voice before he cleared his throat.
They looked for the source and saw two mares.
In any event, this is going to be the harder of the two suggestions. Either you'll see why I'm pointing this out, or you'll think I'm nit picking. In either event, you should read what you've written aloud. It will bring a new light to it.
Keep up the good work. You're improving, and I look forward to more of Change of Pace.
I beg to differ you can win agents something you are programed to louse agents. why just ask captain Kerk
Epic... Moar?
3630680 Cliffhanger hanginging from a cliff and that's why why they call him cliffhanger.
You kept calling Cadance 'Candace'. Was that an auto-correct issue or something?
3774987 Oh boy. It probably was. Lemme go fix that. Thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks for the update, I always get a laugh out of reading things like this.
What is a man- I mean - what is a pony? A miserable little pile ofsecretsFriendship.I've got some words that were probably messed up with your auto-correct
he's or he'd
And Cadance is now Candance. I suppose it's closer than Candace.
Why are
Canterlot since
worse
As for the actual chapter, I enjoyed it.
Jack's interaction with Applebloom was adorable, and it reminded me of better occasions where I dealt with children. I'm a little confused about what Jack's thought about raising his own sister meant since both of his parents were shown in the Christmas interlude. In any event, I look forward to Jack visiting schools and being mobbed by youngsters.
The section with Vinyl, Octavia, and Tempest felt like when I get together with friends I haven't seen in a while. I think it would be interesting to find out how they met and became friends.
I don't believe the flashback was well executed. It more impact than if Tempest just told her friends that Jack used a crazy illusion and his eyes bled, but I don't really think it served the overall story. The flashback showed that Jack can alter himself. He's a changeling. This really isn't a surprise. The flashback could have been used to show how Jack deals with annoying snobs that are too arrogant for their own good since there aren't too many individuals that fit that bill in canon Equestria.
I find it odd that AJ would work on her ability to seduce Jack. I can see Zecora coming up with how emotions affect Jack, but I can't see her following through and using it this way. The reason for that is because Jack doesn't seem to remember what happens during moments when he is bombarded by the emotions and lacks the ability to consent to the actions that follow. I don't think Zecora would knowingly do something like that, and I don't think AJ would either after she had been flat out told that he didn't remember how he got to where he was with her. She'd probably continue to make out with him and encourage further developments, but I don't think she would take away his choice in the matter.
On a different note, I will completely agree that English is not a perfect language. I've had one professor describe English as the garbage heap of language, and I've had another professor describe the English language like a bandit on a medieval road that mugs other passing languages as they go by and steal their words, sentence structures, verb conjugations, and so on. In any event, have you considered finding a beta reader since reading aloud is only partially helpful?
3776532 I actually considered a beta a few times, but I don't know how trustful one would be, y'know?
3776864 Would you please elaborate on the trustfulness aspect?
3777117 Well...I'm not one for deadlines myself, but I know that there is usually a time frame in which a beta gets the corrected story back to the original writer. The thing is, I don't know anyone I can trust who would proofread my work and get it back to me in a timely manner. If I did, I'd probably write more on the side.
3777298 So it's a question of timeliness then? If you don't know anyone in real life that would be willing to proofread for you, you could look online. You could either put a comment or blog post that you're looking for a proofreader or find a group like The Proofreader Group. In any event, any person that responds that they could proofread or beta for you should know what their own schedules are like and if they can do anything timely. If they can't be timely, they probably wouldn't have volunteered.
were is the sex it is M and sex tag don't leave us hanging man!!!!
3777929
I'm not really talented in the field of writing sex scenes and I don't want it to be the main focus of the story. I also believe that Sex doesn't make the relationship. Believe me, I want to flesh out the relationships more, but this is more...iunno.
3778971 come on we all now we want to se some sexy zebra, farm and royal sexy goodness. also if you don't want to write it have a guy do it for you some guy do that for free if thier fans or you pay them like cover arts
You got FRIKIN ITACHI'S SHARINGAN XD
Thanks for the update, will be interesting to see where this is going.
damn, Applejack fucked up and she's soooooo screwed, hope to see what happens nexts
Update?
I'm sorry there hasn't been any updates. I have been currently busy with School and other non-writing duties. I have, however, kept my word and I'm rebooting the story. There was a lot I wanted to do and I kind of missed out on a lot of decent character development. Right now, I'm currently looking for the E-mail address for my beta and working on a quick paper for my college course. UNSpacy000, if you could e-mail me again, that'd be lovely.
Hmm I'm completly not sure about this story, in one way its funny how parodically cliche it is but second it is kind of only good thing of this story.
This story is interesting. I hope things with Applejack work out, she had no clue that would happen.
you know i was looking for this story for a while since i couldn't remember the title didn't find it then i started reading the chapter and realised this was the story
HOLY CRAP, IT'S ALIVE!!!!
Seriously, thank god you've come back to this fic.
why french?
i just love that you put the Mangekyō Sharingan in the story. can we expect the normal sharingan to be used in upcoming chapters?