Apparently a lot has happened behind the scenes from when Jack woke up on the train to this point in the story. Well, it's either that or Tempest has been paying close attention to Jack since they first met, and the time between when he received his power over the seasons and the train ride was longer than I thought it was. I think it would be interesting to see just how Jack is violating protocol for Tempest's feelings.
The portion with Twilight made me laugh. I found where she was thinking to herself to be especially funny. She's such a silly girl. She had no time for friendship earlier, but later learned it was a special kind of magic. I wonder how much more powerful true love would be if she ever bothered to discover it?
Vinyl and Octavia's descriptions were well done, and the scenes where Jack had conversations with others were well done. However, the part where Tempest told her friends who Jack was happened to be worse than a cliffhanger since not only were their reactions not shown, but the story continued as well. I liked the part where Applebloom asked what a manslut was. I wonder how the element of honesty is going to talk her way out of that one.
Now that you have given characters more concrete descriptions and are your way to making the characters people that can be identified with, I'll unload some more advice/suggestions onto you before I am without internet for a week.
The first task will be easy. It deals with word choice. Here's a part from this chapter so I can demonstrate:
The way he sung that song. It was so somber, and yet so powerful. It felt powerful and at the same time, he made it sound so vulnerable, made him seem so vulnerable.
In this instance, both 'powerful' and 'vulnerable' are repeated very close together. This is distracting and takes away from the story. It would be easy to change the first 'powerful' to a different word because it doesn't contrast with 'somber,' which is why you have 'yet' there. The second part is a mess and should be rewritten. Here's an example as to how I'd rework it:
The way he sung was somber yet encouraging. The song felt powerful, but he made it sound vulnerable at the same time, and it made him seem vulnerable as well.
In short, try not to use the same word too close to itself.
Here's the second part. Writing sentences in the present tense is great. Sentences written in past tense are wonderful as well. Sentences that are written in past tense that are suddenly bounding forth with excitement and energy in the present tense mess with the flow of the sentence and distract readers. Here are more example:
Tempest exclaimed as she hurried over to her friends, leaving Jack stunned.
Jack said unsure before clearing his throat.
Looking at the source, they saw two mares.
I personally prefer past tense since it lends itself more to story telling than present tense does. Here are some examples of how I would change those sentences:
Tempest exclaimed as she hurried over to her friends and left behind a stunned Jack. Jack said in an unsure voice before he cleared his throat. They looked for the source and saw two mares.
In any event, this is going to be the harder of the two suggestions. Either you'll see why I'm pointing this out, or you'll think I'm nit picking. In either event, you should read what you've written aloud. It will bring a new light to it.
Keep up the good work. You're improving, and I look forward to more of Change of Pace.
Apparently a lot has happened behind the scenes from when Jack woke up on the train to this point in the story. Well, it's either that or Tempest has been paying close attention to Jack since they first met, and the time between when he received his power over the seasons and the train ride was longer than I thought it was. I think it would be interesting to see just how Jack is violating protocol for Tempest's feelings.
The portion with Twilight made me laugh. I found where she was thinking to herself to be especially funny. She's such a silly girl. She had no time for friendship earlier, but later learned it was a special kind of magic. I wonder how much more powerful true love would be if she ever bothered to discover it?
Vinyl and Octavia's descriptions were well done, and the scenes where Jack had conversations with others were well done. However, the part where Tempest told her friends who Jack was happened to be worse than a cliffhanger since not only were their reactions not shown, but the story continued as well. I liked the part where Applebloom asked what a manslut was. I wonder how the element of honesty is going to talk her way out of that one.
Now that you have given characters more concrete descriptions and are your way to making the characters people that can be identified with, I'll unload some more advice/suggestions onto you before I am without internet for a week.
The first task will be easy. It deals with word choice. Here's a part from this chapter so I can demonstrate:
In this instance, both 'powerful' and 'vulnerable' are repeated very close together. This is distracting and takes away from the story. It would be easy to change the first 'powerful' to a different word because it doesn't contrast with 'somber,' which is why you have 'yet' there. The second part is a mess and should be rewritten. Here's an example as to how I'd rework it:
The way he sung was somber yet encouraging. The song felt powerful, but he made it sound vulnerable at the same time, and it made him seem vulnerable as well.
In short, try not to use the same word too close to itself.
Here's the second part.
Writing sentences in the present tense is great.
Sentences written in past tense are wonderful as well.
Sentences that are written in past tense that are suddenly bounding forth with excitement and energy in the present tense mess with the flow of the sentence and distract readers.
Here are more example:
I personally prefer past tense since it lends itself more to story telling than present tense does. Here are some examples of how I would change those sentences:
Tempest exclaimed as she hurried over to her friends and left behind a stunned Jack.
Jack said in an unsure voice before he cleared his throat.
They looked for the source and saw two mares.
In any event, this is going to be the harder of the two suggestions. Either you'll see why I'm pointing this out, or you'll think I'm nit picking. In either event, you should read what you've written aloud. It will bring a new light to it.
Keep up the good work. You're improving, and I look forward to more of Change of Pace.
Epic... Moar?