What is a man - I mean - what is a pony? A miserable little pile of secrets Friendship.
I've got some words that were probably messed up with your auto-correct
hes seen them both naked
he's or he'd
And Cadance is now Candance. I suppose it's closer than Candace.
Why is your eyes
Why are
matters around Canterlot sense
Canterlot since
I don’t know what’s worst
worse
As for the actual chapter, I enjoyed it. Jack's interaction with Applebloom was adorable, and it reminded me of better occasions where I dealt with children. I'm a little confused about what Jack's thought about raising his own sister meant since both of his parents were shown in the Christmas interlude. In any event, I look forward to Jack visiting schools and being mobbed by youngsters.
The section with Vinyl, Octavia, and Tempest felt like when I get together with friends I haven't seen in a while. I think it would be interesting to find out how they met and became friends.
I don't believe the flashback was well executed. It more impact than if Tempest just told her friends that Jack used a crazy illusion and his eyes bled, but I don't really think it served the overall story. The flashback showed that Jack can alter himself. He's a changeling. This really isn't a surprise. The flashback could have been used to show how Jack deals with annoying snobs that are too arrogant for their own good since there aren't too many individuals that fit that bill in canon Equestria.
I find it odd that AJ would work on her ability to seduce Jack. I can see Zecora coming up with how emotions affect Jack, but I can't see her following through and using it this way. The reason for that is because Jack doesn't seem to remember what happens during moments when he is bombarded by the emotions and lacks the ability to consent to the actions that follow. I don't think Zecora would knowingly do something like that, and I don't think AJ would either after she had been flat out told that he didn't remember how he got to where he was with her. She'd probably continue to make out with him and encourage further developments, but I don't think she would take away his choice in the matter.
On a different note, I will completely agree that English is not a perfect language. I've had one professor describe English as the garbage heap of language, and I've had another professor describe the English language like a bandit on a medieval road that mugs other passing languages as they go by and steal their words, sentence structures, verb conjugations, and so on. In any event, have you considered finding a beta reader since reading aloud is only partially helpful?
3777117 Well...I'm not one for deadlines myself, but I know that there is usually a time frame in which a beta gets the corrected story back to the original writer. The thing is, I don't know anyone I can trust who would proofread my work and get it back to me in a timely manner. If I did, I'd probably write more on the side.
3777298 So it's a question of timeliness then? If you don't know anyone in real life that would be willing to proofread for you, you could look online. You could either put a comment or blog post that you're looking for a proofreader or find a group like The Proofreader Group. In any event, any person that responds that they could proofread or beta for you should know what their own schedules are like and if they can do anything timely. If they can't be timely, they probably wouldn't have volunteered.
3777929 I'm not really talented in the field of writing sex scenes and I don't want it to be the main focus of the story. I also believe that Sex doesn't make the relationship. Believe me, I want to flesh out the relationships more, but this is more...iunno.
3778971 come on we all now we want to se some sexy zebra, farm and royal sexy goodness. also if you don't want to write it have a guy do it for you some guy do that for free if thier fans or you pay them like cover arts
You kept calling Cadance 'Candace'. Was that an auto-correct issue or something?
3774987 Oh boy. It probably was. Lemme go fix that. Thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks for the update, I always get a laugh out of reading things like this.
What is a man- I mean - what is a pony? A miserable little pile ofsecretsFriendship.I've got some words that were probably messed up with your auto-correct
he's or he'd
And Cadance is now Candance. I suppose it's closer than Candace.
Why are
Canterlot since
worse
As for the actual chapter, I enjoyed it.
Jack's interaction with Applebloom was adorable, and it reminded me of better occasions where I dealt with children. I'm a little confused about what Jack's thought about raising his own sister meant since both of his parents were shown in the Christmas interlude. In any event, I look forward to Jack visiting schools and being mobbed by youngsters.
The section with Vinyl, Octavia, and Tempest felt like when I get together with friends I haven't seen in a while. I think it would be interesting to find out how they met and became friends.
I don't believe the flashback was well executed. It more impact than if Tempest just told her friends that Jack used a crazy illusion and his eyes bled, but I don't really think it served the overall story. The flashback showed that Jack can alter himself. He's a changeling. This really isn't a surprise. The flashback could have been used to show how Jack deals with annoying snobs that are too arrogant for their own good since there aren't too many individuals that fit that bill in canon Equestria.
I find it odd that AJ would work on her ability to seduce Jack. I can see Zecora coming up with how emotions affect Jack, but I can't see her following through and using it this way. The reason for that is because Jack doesn't seem to remember what happens during moments when he is bombarded by the emotions and lacks the ability to consent to the actions that follow. I don't think Zecora would knowingly do something like that, and I don't think AJ would either after she had been flat out told that he didn't remember how he got to where he was with her. She'd probably continue to make out with him and encourage further developments, but I don't think she would take away his choice in the matter.
On a different note, I will completely agree that English is not a perfect language. I've had one professor describe English as the garbage heap of language, and I've had another professor describe the English language like a bandit on a medieval road that mugs other passing languages as they go by and steal their words, sentence structures, verb conjugations, and so on. In any event, have you considered finding a beta reader since reading aloud is only partially helpful?
3776532 I actually considered a beta a few times, but I don't know how trustful one would be, y'know?
3776864 Would you please elaborate on the trustfulness aspect?
3777117 Well...I'm not one for deadlines myself, but I know that there is usually a time frame in which a beta gets the corrected story back to the original writer. The thing is, I don't know anyone I can trust who would proofread my work and get it back to me in a timely manner. If I did, I'd probably write more on the side.
3777298 So it's a question of timeliness then? If you don't know anyone in real life that would be willing to proofread for you, you could look online. You could either put a comment or blog post that you're looking for a proofreader or find a group like The Proofreader Group. In any event, any person that responds that they could proofread or beta for you should know what their own schedules are like and if they can do anything timely. If they can't be timely, they probably wouldn't have volunteered.
were is the sex it is M and sex tag don't leave us hanging man!!!!
3777929
I'm not really talented in the field of writing sex scenes and I don't want it to be the main focus of the story. I also believe that Sex doesn't make the relationship. Believe me, I want to flesh out the relationships more, but this is more...iunno.
3778971 come on we all now we want to se some sexy zebra, farm and royal sexy goodness. also if you don't want to write it have a guy do it for you some guy do that for free if thier fans or you pay them like cover arts
You got FRIKIN ITACHI'S SHARINGAN XD
i just love that you put the Mangekyō Sharingan in the story. can we expect the normal sharingan to be used in upcoming chapters?