Your grammar took a bit of a hit, but I otherwise enjoyed this chapter. Jack/Eric's description gave me a good idea of what he looked like when he was human, and the entire chapter made him feel more real. The everyday details like how Eric had a job at McDonald's, was living with his parents, and was saving for a car both described him and showed how he had everyday concerns before his trip departure to Equestria. From that information alone, I'd put Eric somewhere between 16 to 19. I'd lean closer to the 16 side of the range which is a far cry from the early to mid twenties that I thought he was at the beginning of the story. Eric's interaction with his family was nicely done. The part with Eva was especially well done. I liked how she gave him is Christmas present from her before he left, and it was made even better by the fact that the present went with him back to Equestria.
I smiled at the interaction between Jack and Tempest. Overall, it wasn't as good as the part with his family or previous sections I brought up last time, but it had some important information. First, Tempest is a unicorn. Then there's the part where Jack said, "That's why I love you." I know some people that say that just because it's a common saying or phrase, and I get the sense that Jack meant it that way as well. Tempest, however, seems to have taken it a bit more seriously than that. I can't really fault her for that though since the prince that tapped her like a keg just told her he loved her.
I'm pleased to read that the upcoming chapters are going to be different than past ones. If you have any specific questions or would like a second opinion on something, feel free to send me a PM.
Your grammar took a bit of a hit, but I otherwise enjoyed this chapter. Jack/Eric's description gave me a good idea of what he looked like when he was human, and the entire chapter made him feel more real. The everyday details like how Eric had a job at McDonald's, was living with his parents, and was saving for a car both described him and showed how he had everyday concerns before his trip departure to Equestria. From that information alone, I'd put Eric somewhere between 16 to 19. I'd lean closer to the 16 side of the range which is a far cry from the early to mid twenties that I thought he was at the beginning of the story. Eric's interaction with his family was nicely done. The part with Eva was especially well done. I liked how she gave him is Christmas present from her before he left, and it was made even better by the fact that the present went with him back to Equestria.
I smiled at the interaction between Jack and Tempest. Overall, it wasn't as good as the part with his family or previous sections I brought up last time, but it had some important information. First, Tempest is a unicorn. Then there's the part where Jack said, "That's why I love you." I know some people that say that just because it's a common saying or phrase, and I get the sense that Jack meant it that way as well. Tempest, however, seems to have taken it a bit more seriously than that. I can't really fault her for that though since the prince that tapped her like a keg just told her he loved her.
I'm pleased to read that the upcoming chapters are going to be different than past ones. If you have any specific questions or would like a second opinion on something, feel free to send me a PM.
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