hey not much to say about myself I'm a pretty chill guy always up to chat, before I sign out of this awkward bio I wanna give a special shoutout to Stormsoul22 he was the one who inspired me to write
Big Macintosh, heir of Sweet Apple Acres has been going strong with his colt friend of over 4 years, Caramel when Big Mac pops the question to Caramel he unknowingly sparks a chain of events that will change this farm pony's life forever
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just to clarify this is a caramel macintosh ship?
awesome i cant wait to see the next chapter
Somethigna bout this fic seems very oddly familiar...
must be my imagination
This story has a lot of potential but it requires some work in it's current presentation. An important part of writing to keep in mind is pacing. In this chapter you have the marriage proposal, a potential adoption and Applejack's worries over Big Mac leaving the family all in a few paragraphs. Each of these could potentially be a rather emotional scene that offers great oppertunities to develop your characters. Also, don't hesitate to linger on moments and give the reader some time to empatize with the characters prior to events occuring.
Perhaps Applejack doesn't bring up her fears or worries until she has Big Mac alone for a moment that evening after a lighthearted afternoon with Braeburn and Soarin. When he then tries to discuss it with Caramel, his coltfriend then mentions that he was concidering potentially adopting a foal at some point. Try to work with building up the suspence or anticipation of a moment. Forshadow a bit through the behavior of characters.
Another important part to story writing is to show rather than tell. Take the marriage proposal for example. Rather than stating that Big Mac is preparing for rejection, try to show his inner dialogue. What is he so afraid of losing? And how important is Caramel to him after having been together for such a long time. And why does he still harbor some insecurities of Caramel possible not accepting it?. This gives your audience a great insight in the events before your story and how important the moment really is. It allows us to empatize with Big Mac and make the moment of Caramel's reaction all the more important.
You've already shown that you're capable of both though. In the first chapter in the scene where Caramel's running down the stairs. You foreshadow what is going to be happening through Mac's thought of "this isn't going to end well". Then rather than mention that Caramel fell down you switch to Applejack finding Caramel upside down at the bottom of the stairs. We all know what happened and the way we find out is rather hilarious, especially combined with his reaction to Applejack.
I'm not really a writer, just one who enjoys reading. All I can really say is to try and be aware of these rules and to read and write a lot. See how other writers you admire approach these sort of situations and see how you could use it in your own writing. And never be afraid to ask for advise. Practise makes perfect after all. Good luck, and I'll be looking forward to seeing where you'll be taking this story.
3478672 thanks for that I will try to work on those things I notice that now that you said something I value criticism to help me improve but just to know that it isn't terrible is such an uplifting thing i suffer from low self-esteem so to hear that it has potential is such a boost for me thanks
3477584 I just re-read your stories and there are a few similarities I apologize for that it wasn't on purpose
my mind sometimes subconsciously references stories I've read when I write and I don't realize it until after it's posted again I apologize love your work btw
3474688 is that good or bad?
These last two chapters were rather sweet and already contained some of the pointers I mentioned before. You're showing a little more of the characters personalities and interactions with each other which makes them more relate-able. I'm glad to know you've noticed the points of improvement yourself before as you mention these having been written at an earlier date. Being aware of what you can improve is a large step in the right direction already and a great place to start from. From there it's trying to find what works best for you in both conveying the story you want to tell and the emotions you want to convey to the audience as well as keeping the readers immersed in the events and characters within the story.
Something to pay some attention to when you reedit each chapter after the completion of chapter 5 is punctuation. Nothing major really, but a few full stops here and there would keep the flow of your story going a bit better and hold the reader's attention.
3480255 thanks yeah chapters 1 and 2 were written early this year or late last year
where as chapters 3 and 4 are recent maybe a month or 2 old as you can probably tell from the difference in quality I will be posting chapter 1 of Rodeo Romeo soon it is basically the other side of this story where it is the same story but written from Soarin and Braeburn's P.O.V. stay tuned I submitted it a few minutes ago it is just pending approval
Eww gay. That aside. I read it because the concept seemed interesting. And i have to say i like your writing style. But..... The ship is kind of wierd...And gay
3536755 well as for the dislike of gay content all I have to say is don't like don't read
, but I will thank you for the compliment on my writing style
I'm glad this story updated. Good job with these chapters. Mabye you can include a chapter to see if Rocky gets along with his aunt applejack and applebloom.
Now, please don't think I don't like this Fic, but your are not really doing your idea justice. I would have loved to see the wedding, the trial period, and more detail in general. I really want to see this do well. There aren't enough M/M adoption Fic here and I want to see more. I like the story, but I would like to see more.
Two new chapters so quickly is always nice. I do agree with Wither that a bit more detail overall would help this story a great deal. I also agree with him that you have plenty of other areas that are apart of this story that would make for some great story material. Now as much as I like these two new chapters I would say go over them a few times I noticed that in some places you missed a space between words now and then.
Overall I am happy to see your able to work on this again and will be looking forward to your next pieces of work. Keep up the great job
ples for the love of sulestya ples make more im a shy guy but this stryy rilly tuch me and my bf haert sins he did hit a guy at are prom to stic up for me but it dint go like in the story lol i wish but life is life and this stry wus wall made so ya if you dont see this then um ... i dont no um ill pm you me and my bf resones tomaro ok
Too many grammatical and structural errors.
4970149
hope u and your boyfriend r happy together, My bf left me i dont even know why, but still I wish u the best ;)