Five stallions spend a night getting hammered at a bar in Canterlot, with cider and a round of poker to pass the time. No harm, no foul.
Cover art image owned by Littleivy25.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 20th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 20th, 2017
Gleaming
The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.
Gleaming
Joined 20th Feb, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Gleaming · 1.5k words · 37 4 · 1.2k views
- PurpleIsMyFavorite · 14k words · 59 9 · 3.6k views
- Hardline Potato · 1.3k words · 44 4 · 1k views
- Regina Wright · 2k words · 46 4 · 1.2k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.276 seconds
Total duration
954 users online
1,571,811 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This should be
Funny story. Great job. I hope you have good luck writing future stories.
Spike rolled into the bar "You're too young to drink here!" Lemon said
Spike smiled brightly "I'm not here to drink I'm here to TAX" as he opened a scroll. " Under the authority of the Equestrian tax code Section 668.776
Parts A1 B1 (c) a .11 You are here by taxed 57% of your net yearly income per Twilight Sparkles orders."
4915200 I feel tempted to write a sequel to this, featuring Spike.
Meh, it was all right..
The plot about five stallions spending the night at a bar was executed nicely, but not great.
So, here are some problems I think you should fix.
- Characters: If a character is unimportant to the plot, don't mention his/her name unless the other characters say so. Seriously, is the bartender's name really that necessary to introduce? And why was it important to know what Caramel was doing in the bathroom?
- Logic/continuity: If a robber comes in to rob the place, how would that start a brawl? They'd probably all be shocked at his presence.
On the bright side, the pacing was done well. Nothing felt rushed, and simply went by like an actual night at a bar would feel like. Also, the ending. Ha, the bartender's saving it for the right time, wasn't he? If you know what I mean.
Some nitpicks include that waitress pouring the margarita on Thunderlane's head. I mean, a simple "No thanks" and an eye roll would do for a simple suggestion to hang out later.
So, this was actually good. Not spectacular, but decent.
4997208 The margarita thing was supposed to not be included, but I went with it. Anyway, thank you!
4997560
You're welcome, my friend.
Cute, funny little story that made me chuckle. I enjoyed a lot of the physical humor, and I'm definitely giving it a thumbs up.
On future comedy stories, I'd make two suggestions. First, make sure your characters are differentiated. Besides Caramel, the stallions all felt pretty samey. Second, try to tighten up your pacing. A few of the jokes seemed to drag on too long while others came and went too quickly, and the story overall felt like a bit of a whirlwind, especially once the guy in the trench coat showed up.
5582237 I get a lot of pacing comments in my stories, still trying to get the grasp of that. I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially from a writer like you.
This was very well written!
5665571 Thank you, glad you think so!
Fun idea, certainly. Not much on structure. I didn't have a problem with Thunderlane getting a drink thrown in his face, but we didn't need every detail of her telling the cook about a nacho order.
5937029 I honestly did have fun writing this, but I'll be sure to use detail wisely.
Silly Soar! The hangover would be enough punishment!