- Member Since 11th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 1st, 2016
marineproductions100
My name is Cameron. I am a musician, a writer, a singer, and a member of the band Bless Our Demise. My stories are mainly sad because I believe in expressing my emotions through stories...and songs.
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So, this isn't metaphorical blood or anything that represents pent-up emotions/angst? Like, this is real blood she's crying?
Also, bottles.
Anyway, if/when I do make another comment, it will be actual constructive criticism, because I'm feeling like an ass for poking fun at your story. I'll also probably favorite this, because Fluttershy's, like, eighth best. Keep it up, dude/dudette.
3294093 No she's not crying real blood. Its to show real emotions to all the pain she goes through.
3294141
So why not just call it "Tears of a Pegasus" or something?
3294146 because then it wouldn't be artsy and metaphorical
3294153
#shotsfired
3294116 I didn't know what else to say. Is there a secondary word for bottle? I think there's only one word. I thought the bottle throwing would set emotions towards the fact that she has no positivity towards herself. (Like me) And also the story does put out details in my life. The bottle thing is real. The tear stained pillows are real. The only thing that is not true is me being comforted by someone else. Like I've said I've never had "recourse" also its dude.
but have a good day or night.
3294161 container, flask, vessel
3294156 I called it "I cry blood" because it shows real deep, deep pain. You know what I think I will have her cry blood. Yep its official. She's going to cry blood.
Also, you've got an issue with not using question marks. Here's some quick fixes:
All of those periods there should be question marks.
Should be "What's holding me back?"
3294161
You really could've just re-worded the sentences. Like, the reader will know she's looking at/holding a bottle, so you don't have to keep reminding them of that.
It's like if I made a sandwich while my friend was in the room and I just decided to start talking about making said sandwich.
"Alright, Kaiya. I'm going to make a sandwich, so I've pulled out the ingredients to make said sandwich. You need bread for a sandwich, so I've got some...you know, for the sandwich. Peanut Butter is a common sandwich condiment, as is Jelly. I think I'll make a sandwich using these two sandwich condiments..."
You get the idea.
I'm not dissing you, as I'm no better a writer (and never had Regidar comment on a story of mine, which I'm totally not jealous of you for, even if it was a comment dissing your story), but still. These are things that can be fixed by either an editor/whoever or just reading it.
3294168 I did this on my phone because I was using my laptop to sketch some drawings. Also where did you get that part "What's holding me back. My friends and girlfriend." did you basically take that from another story. I swear I didn't put it in this one. Look guys I'm tired like the drunk little fucker I am and everyone attacking the boy who's crying is not going to help. I'll fix my errors after school tomorrow don't worry. Goodnight mares and stallions
3294193 I took that last part from your short bio
3294193
Y r u crying?
Hey, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this world. You've got a whole community to talk to on this site alone, you just gotta reach out to them. If you need to talk, just PM me, or make a post in the self promotion bureau.
I also liked your story, I'm not going to be a Nazi right now, but I think you could use a proofreader, though you probably aren't too worried about that right now. I particularly liked Fluttershy's cussing. It made me want to sensor my own words, and while I don't believe Fluttershy would say things like that, it was also a little funny reading that. Keep up the good work
Good story more
.
P.s you are not alone here is a sight that you can look up. http://www.youthline.co.nz/contact-us.html. Hope it helps.
Hey, i don't know about alcohol but for a few years i hardly talked to anyone. All it takes is one friendly person to help you start feeling better! go find someone to talk to, it helps.
...tourniquet..... why would she use a tourniquet.... those are only used if you believe that the limb is no longer savable and you don't want to bleed to death.
3300102 What do you call it for a hand/hoof?
3300176 a bandage or a wrap should work for any limb or injury.
3300202 Thank you.
Also this is for everyone else. Before I move onto Chapter 2. I "will" today, re-edit Chapter 1. It maybe shorter or longer than it will be right now. I'll also leave a comment that its been re-edited and when it gets the end of the Chapter. I will leave a text that says "re-edited".
3294168 Story has been re-edited. Since you seem to be a better writer than me. Not trying to be rude or start anything. But I was hoping if you could check it out and let me know if there still are any mistakes that need to be corrected?
3300398 Alright.
I'm thinking this whole thing is just a bit sketchy. Not the story, but you personally. I understand that a teenager can go through some tough shit, being one myself (a teen, not the shit), but you kinda seem to overplay it. It's like you want to remind us after every little thing that you constantly drink alcohol, yet somehow remain sober enough to form complete sentences and thoughts.
I know this isn't the place to state my opinion on you as a person, and if you are going through that kind of situation I apologize, but this just rubs me the wrong way.
Post-Comment Edit: If you really are going through shit and need someone to talk to, just hit me up or whatever.
3302071 Your right. I am going through this shit but I really should keep it to myself. I probably shouldn't have done that. Fucking stupid, I apologize for this shit. Sorry.
3302224
I never said you should keep it to yourself, which is why I even said if you needed to vent or anything yo know where to find me. If I had said you should keep it to yourself, I would've just gone all 4Chan on you and told you to kill yourself, but I didn't.
3302264 Who's "4Chan"?
3302282
A website, and if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll instead find things you never thought you'd want to gouge your own eyes out over.
beautiful, im looking forward to seeing more:)
Sad story
3306554 Its sadder when its true. But do not let this lower your spirit for you can make happiness all by yourself.
You rock
3310620
Thank you.
Zero knows that feel.
Crystal shards will do that to you.
3312997 Friggin Zero...
Nice chapter
3313006 Um who is "zero"?
3315614 Here, Watch this.
New chapters, woop. Did you ever take up on that piece of advice I can't remember giving you about finding an editor and/or prereader?
3326321 No. I don't know where to start searching for one. Do you know any places?
... Before I read this, I was like:
"Wha- what the hell? Tears are blood, but they're only clear because they are made of different cells. Okay, this story is screwed up."
And then I was all like:
"..."
3326387 Shocking. Truly dark, I know. But there's more.
3326409 I didn't expect Fluttershy to, well... swear and all of that. I am absoluetly terrified. Alright, cat therapy it is!
images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/10500000/Cute-Wallpapers-cute-kittens-10501750-1024-768.jpg
3326366
Just ask around really.
3326424 So simple. Why didn't I think of that? No sarcasm. Seriously, why didn't I think about that? Not joking.