Perihelion
“A perihelion is the point in our planet’s trajectory when it comes nearest the sun. When this happens, clouds sometimes reflect the sun's rays in such a way that the sky gives off the appearance of two or more suns. Ancient ponies who saw this illusion thought there were multiple stellar bodies, and couldn't tell which the real one was, leading to much confusion and panic.” The professor levitated his chalk and made a diagram of the sun’s normal trajectory, showing an elliptical orbit. “Now, our planet’s orbit is kept in order thanks to our princesses’ magical powers. In ages past, ponies used to believe that our regents were responsible for the movement of the sun and moon. We now know that is only half-true.” He made another mark on the chalkboard, this time around the drawing showing our planet. “The princesses indeed have the power to move stellar objects, but their magic only affects our worlds—the earth and the moon. It is through their magic that we are kept from ever going too far or too close to the sun. Without their watchful vigilance, our planet would fling itself out of orbit and into the cold void of space…” And I’m sitting here, being bored of perihelions and this lecture, I thought to myself, zoning out my professor’s words. Though, this notion of illusions does give me an idea for the project. I was snapped back to reality when the professor suddenly asked, “Any questions?”
Several hooves went up into the air, but mine was not among them. I honestly couldn't stand more of this astronomy lecture. In my mind, all I wanted to do was get this over with and get back to my real life’s work, one that had not only netted me some fame, but had gotten me the direct aid of one of this nation’s princesses: Twilight Sparkle. The princess and I were part of a team that was developing a piece of arcane technology that would allow ponies to move artificial limbs using brainwaves. Naturally, the biggest application would be for ponies who no longer had use of their limbs because of an accident. This project would let them walk or fly again.
“Dawn,” the professor said, looking directly at me, as if I had done something wrong. It only took me a second to realize that in my boredom, I had started to doze off. “Since you’re so excited about today’s lecture, why don’t you go ahead and show the class where it will be hosted?”
I sighed and stood from my bench. I walked up to the center of the lecture hall. “Well class, I guess the homework will be on our data scrolls?”
“Go ahead and show us,” he said with a smile. I again sighed and concentrated on my saddlebag. It took more energy than I had expected—probably because I was so darn tired—but I managed to levitate the scroll next to me. It was a very neat piece of Arcane Technology, yes, but nothing too earth-shattering really. Soon as I opened it, I was met with a small wall of text and a picture of myself.
Student Name: Dawn
Current School: Canterlot’s School for Gifted Unicorns
Years of Attendance: 13
Current Age: 20
Major: Arcane Sciences
Minor: Astrology
I quickly tapped the page, and after a small ripple effect, the class notes I had taken over the first hour appeared. I quickly scrolled down the page till I found a highlighted section that said “homework.” I tapped that, and after another ripple effect, the screen showed just what the professor had decided to torture us all with. I turned the scroll page around and showed it to the rest of the class. I could hear light snickers and giggles. I couldn’t help but frown. I hated being put on the spot…
The professor smiled. He nodded and motioned for me to take my seat. As I walked back to my bench, I kept murmuring some rather nasty things. Soon as I was seated though, my anger started to vanish. Deep down, no matter how grumpy I got, I was still a fairly optimistic and cheerful individual, always striving to wear a smile. Of course, bad news would shatter my day as much as anypony else. On the whole, I saw the best in all and tried to make the most out of any situation—even if said situation was a hopeless one.
“You are all free to go,” the professor said. I gave a sigh of relief, happy that the lecture was over. “Don't forget,” he added, glancing at me. “Your homework is due next lecture.”
I quickly picked up my supplies and headed out. Soon as I exited the observatory steps, I saw Princess Twilight, already waiting for me. She was sitting on her haunches in the grassy area just outside the observatory. I was kind of surprised she wasn’t accompanied by any guards. She usually was.
Every student who passed by her bowed; some even stopped to speak—ask questions about being the newest princess and what it was like to be an “ascended unicorn.” For her part, Twilight was very polite in answering the questions, but it was clear from her eyes that she wasn’t really comfortable answering such questions.
Soon as she spotted me in the crowd, she excused herself and walked up to me. As usual, she greeted me as an equal, and as soon as I had a chance to greet her back, we headed to the school’s laboratories, where the project was slowly taking shape. We made small talk as we headed there, mostly small gossip about the current events all over Equestria, but just like every other meeting, soon as we actually go to the labs, a shift in the atmosphere took place. Both of us took our stations and started work, exchanging only a few words here and there, most of them being about the project itself.
* * * * * *
After about an hour silently working, I had reached a turning point in the project. I recalled the lecture, and as boring as it had been, it had given me a great idea, one that I just couldn’t let go of without further feedback. “Princess?”
“Yes Dawn?”
“I had this idea…” No matter how good your idea is, the answer is always, ‘Yes,’ ‘That might work,’ or ‘Hmm, not sure about that.’ I suddenly thought to myself, recalling the other instances when I had confided with Twilight. Just saying it won’t really be enough to get the princess’ approval—which she always gave. I needed more feedback this time, so I opted to really explain it. “Princess, have you ever heard that sometimes, when there are clouds, it looks like there's more than one Sun?”
“Yes, I have actually.”
“You know what it's called?”
“Of course,” she answered. “It’s called an ‘Aurora Borealis.’ ”
“Uh...” I started, but decide against correcting her.
Twilight gave a small giggle and smiled. “Got you going, didn’t I? No, I know what it is Dawn. It’s called a ‘perihelion,’ and it isn’t just with clouds. It’s when our planet comes nearest to the sun. We once had a whole lecture on how early ponies believed the illusion was some sign from the gods. It was very enlightening.” She looked away momentarily, her eyes showing signs of nostalgia. Her words sounded familiar, and I smiled.
“Today, I heard that very same lecture, and it gave me an idea that might just solve some of the issues the project has been having.” I directed her attention to one of my drawings on the nearby board. “As you know, the mechanical aspects are all set. The issue has been getting the others senses—particularly those tied to the damaged limb—to believe that the replacement was the real deal. At first, we considered using telekinetic magic, which was fine for unicorns, but wouldn’t work with the other races. Then I realized that the key isn’t actually supplanting the limb, but tricking the brain into believing it never lost the limb in the first place!” I gave the princess a wide beam. “I was thinking of an illusion spell hardwired to the artificial limb, similar to the ones changelings use to alter their physical aspects.”
“Hmm, not sure about that,” Twilight expectedly said, hoof on her chin. “I mean, it could work, but if the illusion was to be broken somehow—say, like with another spell or dampening device—the limb would cease functioning altogether.”
“That is true, but that’s really the only way I see it working for non-unicorns. The non-magical method, which would still function in the same way, would require some form of brain surgery to ensure the brain signals are passed down to the nerve tendons without outside interference, a procedure that hasn’t been perfected yet by modern Arcane Science…”
The princess turned around and telekinetically brought a book to her face. She spent five minutes reading it before putting it down and sighing. “You’re right,” she said, looking rather miserable. “It says here that the last attempt at brain surgery resulted in the patient losing all his memory every ten seconds.”
With a sigh, I turned back to my own station and started to crunch numbers. No matter what kind of formula I tried to devise, the results were the same. I needed something to plant the illusion into a subject’s mind for my plan to really work. I turned back to the princess, and noted that she was once again busy reading a book. I recalled her tone, and while it wasn’t frigid by any definition of the term, it wasn’t exactly the friendliest in the world. That bothered me for reasons I couldn’t really explain. I gave my work one last glance before I turned my full attention to the princess.
“Princess; we’ve been working on this for some time now. We talk a lot as is. But…” I felt my voice wavering a bit. “Have we ever just, you know, talked?”
“Of course! We talk all the time,” Twilight answered. “Sure, we don’t talk about more personal stuff because, well…” she slightly diverted her gaze from me as she rubbed her neck. “Well…”
“We’re not friends, are we?” I nonchalantly answered.
“No, that’s not it!” she quickly retorted. “It’s just that… well…” she appeared to rack her mind for an answer, but it was obvious by the look on her face that she wasn’t reaching the wanted conclusion.
“It’s alright princess,” I quickly said, trying to reassure her. “It’s okay if we’re not really friends. After all, I’m just a student, and you’re a princess. Our relationship is strictly professional, and that’s fine by me.”
“No!” she quickly snapped, “It’s not alright! I mean, yes, we’re not exactly ‘friends’ here, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be!”
“Princess, do you have any friends outside of the other bearers of harmony?” I found myself asking.
“Of course,” she quickly replied. “There’s Spike, and Shining Armor, and Cadence, and Celestia and Luna. Oh, and my parents, they count too.”
“Princess, everypony you just named is actual family or the closest thing to it there is. Well, except Spike. I think he’s more along the lines of an assistant.” I quickly smiled as warmly as I could. “My question was if you have any friends who aren’t tied to the elements of harmony or could be considered family?”
“Well…” Twilight started. She placed a hoof on her chin and really started to concentrate on the question. After about a minute, her eyes went wide. She fell on her haunches, looking as if she had been struck by a harrowing epiphany. “Dawn… I… I don’t think I have any other friends…”
I suddenly felt like a jerk for bringing that idea up with the princess. I started to look left and right as guilt grew in me. I gave Twilight a wide smile as I took a step back. “I’m sorry I asked,” I quickly said, unable to think of anything else to really say. I turned back to my work without really waiting for Twilight to give any sort of reply.
For the next hour, the princess spent most of her time attempting to name ponies she was actually ‘friends’ with. She brought up many names, some of which I was familiar with for reasons I couldn’t really explain.
She started with a pony named Lyra, who, according to Twilight, she had known since her school filly years. Yet, she mentioned that the most they had ever really done was to occasionally chat to one another while passing in the streets of Ponyville. Since becoming princess, she had literally not spoken to Lyra at all. She then brought up a school teacher named Cheerilee. Again, she said the most they had ever actually done is spoken to one another, and never spent any actual time as friends. Finally, she brought up a zebra named Zecora. Once again, she mentioned their relationship as more along the lines of a business-like acquaintanceship.
Twilight gave a loud groan and started to shoot names left and right, stopping her work altogether to focus entirely on trying to find a friend among the names. Eventually, it got to the point that I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I decided to call it a day. Twilight departed the lab, still shooting names left and right, but never really settling on any of them. I headed to my dorm, feeling significantly worse for wear.
As I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed, I started to ponder on the question of friendship myself. I gave myself a bitter smile. I didn’t really have friends in the school, just acquaintances. The six friends I did have stayed behind in my old town. Sometimes, they paid me a visit, but it had been nearly a year since I had seen them all last. I set my head on the pillow and dozed off somewhat uneasily.
* * * * * *
I’m at school, working on the same project as I am with Twilight. However, Twilight is somepony else, and everything is completely different. As I walk down the familiar halls of the CSGU, I note how the trees sway around haphazardly, almost as if there is a strong wind I can’t feel. The tree tops are a light purple color instead of the usual green. As my hoof falls on the grassy small grassy courtyard, I quickly realize that the very grass isn’t grass at all, but some kind of marble-like material that’s not only a multi-colored mess of random patches of every known color, but also happens to appear and disappear in an almost chessboard-like configuration.
I sigh at the sights, quickly realizing I’m stuck in the same dream again.
As I trot down the halls, I try to recall the specifics of this dream. I’ve quite honestly tried to keep every event as neatly organized as possible, but it’s to no avail. The dream world just seems to run its own course, despite my best efforts to force it into behaving more coherently. Still the dream never stops me from going where I want, or doing what I want. It feels as if I’m stuck in a partial lucid dream, able to go where I please, yet ultimate unable to break free and do what I please. This fact frustrates me to no end.
I look up just in time to see one of the dream ponies approach me. As usual, we don’t make actual physical contact at all. Rather, I just phase through him. I turn around and see the pony continue his walk down the hallway, until he reaches a wall. Rather than stopping like any sensible individual would, he just keeps going, phasing right through it, and into some other realm out of which he won’t return till the next dream. Nopony interacts with me unless they have a job to do, like the pony that gives me my ticket at the movies or the one that serves me food at a restaurant. The sole pony who seem to exhibit sentience of any form is Twilight’s stand-in. Before me stands a pony that looks exactly like Princess Twilight. Her coloring is darker though, bordering on a pitch-black tone.
“Good morning Dusk,” I say, just as I have done in every past dream.
“Well, if it isn’t my favorite egghead, Dawn,” Dusk repeats in a rather nasty voice.
Dusk is the total opposite of Twilight. Where Twilight is kind, hardworking—to a fault—and is willing to listen, Dusk is snarky, absolutely lazy—to a fault—and never really listen to anything I say. Every other word that comes out of her mouth has to do with how magic should be used to subjugate other non-magical races rather than helping them. The only reason she’s helping me with the project in the dream is so she can profit from it in some way, possibly at the cost of other ponies. I don’t know why I help her in my dream. I shouldn’t, yet I still do.
“So, what do you want, Dawn?” she asks me.
“Not much, just happy to be dreaming again!” As unusual, I try to use my cheeriest tone to irk Dusk on purpose. It works like it always does.
“Yeah right,” Dusk says with a roll of her eyes. “The only reason I put up with you is because of that brilliant mind of yours. This work couldn't really happen without that, you know.” Before I have a say, Dusk walks ahead. “Follow,” is all she says before settling on a canter.
As I follow Dusk to the laboratory, I can’t help but feel that there’s something utterly bleak about this dream in particular. As usual, I can’t recall the lecture I had received in Astrology class, and everypony is as silent and careless as they always are. So why does it feel as if there’s something more going on today?
Dusk and I arrive at the lab and get to work. As always though, the project’s already complete. All the pieces are set in perfect order in the table, the notes—made of my own calligraphy no less—ready to go. It’s at this point that the dream usually takes on a more surreal nature when Dusk, after surveying our work, asks “We’re done here. Let’s go catch a film.”
Besides the CSGU campus and its facilities, there is only one other part of the world that exists in this reality: the cinema theater right next to the campus. It’s connected to the west side by the school walkway path, which simply extends toward it.
As I follow in Dusk’s hoovesteps, I start to look all around me, furiously attempting to wrap my head around what I’m seeing. The sky’s gray and dull looking, It extends like some overlay. If I try look beyond the walls from a high-enough vantage point, there is no horizon—only a gray wall with lines extending up to the “sky.” I could call the part where those gray lines meet the “horizon,” but that's just too surreal.
As we step into the main school walkway leading to the outskirts of the campus, which is literally a thousand hoovesteps away, we are assaulted by numerous squirrels, the only other living things in the dream that seem to have some kind of sentience beyond “walk in a straight line.”
“You know, these things really need to be neutralized,” Dusk says.
“Neutralized? Isn’t that a bit… extreme?”
Dusk only replies by laughing. “Figures you wouldn’t have the guts to do what’s necessary. They are destroying my life by continually roaming around unafraid in many numbers. Just last week, a baby squirrel would simply not back off when I was eating my burger sitting by the library.” Dusk’s eyes grew cold. “No matter how much I tried to shoo it away, it just kept coming back. I was so close to incinerating that annoying creature.”
I found myself frowning a bit. “Yeah, I’ve had the same issue with squirrels.” I replied. Of course, that event didn't happen “here;” it happened in real life. Back then, when I had told Twilight about it, she had acted with amusement, even kindness. Dusk’s idea bordered on genocide, and that wasn’t even what disturbed me the most; what actually got to me was the fact that I didn't remember the squirrel bit happening in dreamland, but in the real world. Only ponies with a great mastery of lucid dreaming could recall memories, and a master of dreams I was not.
“Friends are the same,” Dusk suddenly says, starting a brand new line of dialogue I’d never heard her speak before. “They are always getting in your way in your greatest moment of glory. Can’t even say they are good ‘help’ since I can just get anypony else to do what they do for you without all the ‘drama’ attached.” She let out a cruel sneer. “Friends; what a waste of time and energy! They ought to be eradicated, just like the squirrels.”
I slowed down on my movements as the severity of Dusk’s words struck me. For some terrifying reasons, I found myself partially agreeing to her horrible idea. I tried not to think about it too much as we left the campus grounds.
The theater was never a very fun place to be at. The place was called, “Pathos Hall.” I always bought the same unmistakable yellow square-circled ticket. There never was an actual movie playing however, but I of course felt as if I'd seen one, and always a different one. Honestly though, they all feel the same to me.
Roughly fifteen to twenty into the “movie,” something monstrous appears on the far side of the theater—it kind of looks like a mass of dark purple miasma. It starts enveloping all the ponies in the theater, making two trails of darkness shoot out of their eyes. Dusk, who up until that point has been sitting next to me, appeared in the seat in front. She turns around, looks me in the eye, and say, “Shh. It’s coming, see?”
That’s when I usually wake up. However, this dream was different. This time, when I blacked out, I appeared elsewhere.
I find myself walking alongside Dusk at an amusement park, one that looks like the Summer Sun Festival, only a little more rural. Right in front of us, a little to the right, is a giant roller coaster made of what looks like plastic. The roller coaster train’s going up, up and away; to my horror, nopony seemed to realize just how dangerous it was that the whole thing was made of some kind of plastic.
As Dusk and I continue walking, we find a tent with a pony wearing a dark lavender hooded robe as the greater. His words seem distant, but I could make out what he was saying: “Come one, come all. Step right up and be amazed at the sight of the doorway of fears. Do you dare to look through the gateway that shows you not only what you fear most, but what could actually be?”
For some reason I can’t comprehend, I decide to walk in. The greater pays me no mind as I step into the darkened tent. Dusk stays outside, waiting for me. Soon as I’ve taken ten hoovesteps, the world grows dark and silent. The only sound I can hear is that of my steadily quickening breathing. Out of the murk, a light appears. I head towards it, the world around me growing clearer with every step.
I’m suddenly teleported to a nighttime Canterlot City. Only difference is that it doesn’t look anything like the Canterlot I’m used to. Instead, it looks darker, grittier, and depraved. In the distance, I can see the palace. It has been morphed into something gaudy and malicious. Over the entrance, I can see a gigantic banner over the obsidian-colored walls. The symbol is that of a six-pronged star that strongly resembled Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark. Around it, are various phrases written in some glyphs that I shouldn’t be able to understand, yet could.
Greed. Aloofness. Duplicity. Devotion. Cynicism
I watched as everypony in the streets wore not only identical jumpsuits, but also seemed to sport the same dark purple miasma that resulted from being touched by the mass of blackness from the theater. They all moved about, coldly apathetic to their fellow equine. I could sense nothing but the desire to dominate from every single individual.
In the blink of an eye, I was back outside the tent, walking side by side with Dusk. This time though, the scenery had morphed. Rather than the sun symbols being present everywhere I turned, the symbol was that of Twilight Sparkle, only it didn’t have any of the small sparkles at the end of each arm.
I stop and grab Dusk by the shoulder, turning her around to face me. “Dusk, do you exist when I am not dreaming?”
She smiles wickedly. “I always exist Dawn. You are never really gone.”
“But I do leave!” I quickly answer. “What has happened to you all those other times after that thing shows up in the theater?”
“It's not that something happens—I simply don't exist in the past, only in the now. You're here now, kind of like before you were born. What difference does it make that for you that I'm not real? I really exist, and I see the colors just as bright as you see yours.”
“But you don't exist!” I suddenly shout, grabbing hold of Dusk’s shoulder with both of my hooves.
“Do you exist in the real world right now?” Dusk asks me. “You only exist here right now. How can you know whether you're not dreaming when you ‘wake up?’ ”
“Because trees don't have purple tops in the real world!”
“Oh, don't they?” she asks. I don't say anything anymore because I don't want to argue with a figment of my own mind, but she continues anyway. “Haven't you seen things that don't make sense in your ‘real world?’ Has nothing really happened that made you say, ‘that makes no sense?’ ”
“Yes, but that world is real because things are consistent. The trees wave with the wind in the same direction, patches of ground don't appear and disappear with different colors, and ponies interact with each other and don’t phase through walls! This place shows all the signs of a dream—a bad one I might add!” I’m getting very agitated that this figment of my mind was so unwilling to understand that it did not exist.
“So, that's your criteria of reality? Isn't it true that when you imagine things, you fill in only the important details?”
“Yes,” I reply, not really wondering where this was going to go anymore.
“Well, that means that the background and scenery are unimportant and always stay the same, right?” Dusk gives me a condescending smirk. She notes my hesitant look, but understands that I fully agree. I let go of Dusk’s shoulder and turn around. I don’t want to look at her anymore.
“Yes, what you see around you is in fact a dream. You yourself are part of this current dream. You and I are very much the same right now.”
“No, we are not.” I put an accusing hoof on her chest. “You’re some sick puppet whose sole purpose is to mock me.”
“We’re all puppets Dawn. I’m just a puppet who happens to be able to see her strings. You also have that ability, but you’re so blinded by complicity that you go out of your way to convince yourself otherwise. It’s kind of sad actually.”
“I am not some puppet!” I snap.
“Of course you are,” she gives me a depraved smirk. “Tell me, if you weren’t, then why are you so determined to break out and have power?”
“What?”
“You haven’t put it together yet, have you?” she asks. When I don’t so much as nod, she smiles and shakes her head. “A pity that such a brilliant unicorn would be so blind.” She turns away from me and looks towards the gray sky. “You’re no different than I am deep down. You seek power, and are willing to do anything to have said power. Why else would you have spent so much effort in surpassing physical limitation?”
“I don’t understand.”
She turns to face me, laughing softly and maliciously. “A perihelion is the point in our planet’s trajectory when it comes nearest the sun. When this happens, clouds sometimes reflect the sun's rays in such a way that the sky gives off the appearance of two or more suns. Ancient ponies who saw this illusion thought there were multiple stellar bodies, and couldn't tell which the real one was, leading to much confusion and panic.” She takes a single step towards me. “While most ponies find themselves petrified by an anomaly their feeble minds cannot grasp, there are a few who strive to reach the sun when it is closest. Unfortunately, touching the sun with your bare hooves will destroy them, for what you have naturally is weak. That’s why I started the Perihelion Project, so I could supplant that weakness with the strength to touch the very sun. That's why the limbs are artificial instead of some biological material, and that’s why they are magical in nature. It starts with a simple foreleg or a wing, but in time, we can replace entire body functions, supplant the mortal coil each of us bears.” Dusk’s smile grew wider. “I wish for an indestructible body, so I can touch the sun and claim the power that rightfully belongs to me.”
“That’s…” I find myself saying, but I am not able to finish my words. Dawn places a hoof over my shoulder and looks me with a gaze full of pity.
“Do me a favor,” she says. “When you wake up one day, don't forget my words.”
* * * * * *
I snapped awake to the sound of my alarm clock. Groaning, I wearily got out of bed, feeling utterly fatigued. Dusk word’s still rang in my head all morning long. Thankfully, I didn’t have lecture today, so I headed straight for the laboratory. I was met with Twilight’s beaming face as she greeted me with more cheer than was usual of her.
“Good Morning Dawn. You ready for the big day?”
“Big day?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Twilight replied. “Today’s the day we show project perihelion to the Arcane Sciences Board. If they are impressed, they’ll approve full production of the project, and your name will go in history!”
I was stunned at the princess’s words. I quickly trotted to my desk and looked at the highlighted date on my data scroll. Indeed, a full two month’s time had passed by.
Two months? What the hay? Had I slept for a full two months? How could that be? Had Dusk and Twilight finished the work while I’d been in some kind of hibernation? Wait… Dusk wasn’t part of this world, so why was she part of the group? I looked at the names of the ponies involved in what I had quickly realized had been named “project perihelion.’ Indeed, Dusk name was among the active members.
This… this couldn’t be right…
I closed my eyes, and next thing I knew, we were watching a film clip of the final edition of project perihelion. It was all worked out and ready to be introduced to those that need it. I looked over the notes and realized that the magic we—I—had ended up using had been shadow magic. I looked around. There was nopony using the prosthetic, it just floated there, moving as if it was attached to an invisible pony.
The clip continued for a few more minutes. It described everything with no one using it. My own voice spoke of the melding process, the magic that surged through the limb, and how anypony, regardless of them being unicorn or pegasus or earthen pony, could benefit from the limb. Surprisingly, it was Twilight who asked me silently, “Where’s the pony that’s supposed to be using the prosthetic limb?”
Then, one of the ponies sitting further up from us turned around to face us. His eyes glowed with a shadowy miasma that danced from each side of his eye sockets. His irises glowed a faint emerald, and the pupils were ruby red. He placed a hoof to his smiling lips. “Shh. It’s coming, see?”
I turned up to face the front of the room. There, I saw a mass of black miasma that grew and contracted in ways that shouldn’t had been possible. It felt as if I was watching some kind of hypercube.
It draws nearer and nearer. I turned to face Twilight, but she had vanished. I then turned to face Dusk, who looked at me with a malicious grin. “When you wake up Dawn, don’t forget that I exist. I’ve always existed, and I always will. Don’t forget what matters Dawn. Don’t forget what’s important. Don’t forget to ask yourself ‘In whose reality does the scenery never change?’ ”
I turned to face the miasma being. It was... perfect in its malice... per—
With a start, Princess Twilight Sparkle jumps awake. Her sudden awakening is so intense, she snaps Spike awake.
“What’s the matter!?” the young drake asks of the princess, looking as if he was near to having a heart attack.
Twilight rubs her eyes and looks around her room. It’s a spacious royal bedroom in Canterlot palace, but other than that, it isn’t that extraordinary. She half-expected to wake up in the Golden Pines Library, but she quickly recalled the event of the last few weeks, and how she had found herself as Equestria’s newest princess. She felt herself frowning a bit. She really did miss her old home.
Slowly, she removed her bed sheets and sat at the edge of the bed. She wiped a few beads of sweat off her forehead as she looked around her new room. Her eyes instantly set on the mirror near her bed. At first, her mind struggled to form a word. It didn’t come easy, but in the end she said what was in her mind:
“Dusk…” she unexpectedly whispered.
“What’s that Twi?” Spike asked.
Twilight looked to her assistant. Up until that point, Spike had been an invaluable help, but she quickly found herself wondering on words that weren’t entirely her’s. Or, at least she thought: “My question was if you have any friends who aren’t tied to the elements of harmony or could be considered family?” followed by, “Don’t forget that I exist. I’ve always existed, and I always will. Don’t forget what matters Dawn. Don’t forget what’s important. Don’t forget what’s important. Don’t forget to ask yourself ‘In whose reality does the scenery never change?’ ”
She gave Spike a warm smile. “Spike, we’re still friends despite me being a princess now, right?”
“Of course,” Spike quickly answered. “Why do you ask that?”
“It’s just that…” she gave a quick pause before posing the young drake a question. “Have we ever, you know, just talked?”
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I feel like giving feedback/review.
First up, I grabbed a few mistakes that I couldn't ignore, meaning they are the things even the readers will see. I tried to overlook what I could and focused on content though.
The phrases he's thinking should be in single quotes ( ' ) to differentiate it from something out loud. I'm trying not to get picky with grammar and stuff but I didn't want to let that one go.
'device' should be 'devise'
me >> my, unless we're having a pirate moment, which are always appropriate.
Too many ' I ' s
Capitalize 'dusk'
missing period
Concept.
I honestly think the intro is terrible. The story starts with dialogue, which is totally legal, but as soon as it hits an action by the professor, we come out of a narrative style and into a physical scene without any description. Ergo, there's a feel of a pony lecturing the audience in the midst of an abyssal void as he marks on a hovering chalkboard for us. It comes off very boring and talking-heads-like. As a secondary note, when you transferred to the main character's thoughts, that should be a new paragraph.
Overall I see potential in this but I can't say I enjoyed it. The dream sequence was something like the usual eldritch horror stuff which I really like but this time it pushed too much into the nonsense territory over the cool horror territory. Stuff like purple trees, a plastic roller coaster, and a shifting miasma all added to the nightmare feel well but didn't really feel relevant or purposeful. The miasma seemed like it represented something but the story never feels clear about what it's trying to show us. I think you meant for the meaning to come through Dusk, who is indeed interesting, but I still didn't really get the point of any the dialogue with her. What exactly was this story trying to put forth? Perception is not reality? Perception IS reality? We're all puppets of a greater god? Is this part of the Equestria-verse that only you really understand the relevance of? I honestly just didn't get it.
Beyond that, Dawn functions as a protagonist but he's inactive and underdeveloped. This could have definitely been accomplished by simply having Twilight as the main character studying with perhaps Celestia. Then at least we'd have a lead to care about. Starting with an OC you gave yourself the unfair challenge of having to develop him. The story itself was just too clouded already, making who he is and what he's actually worried about beyond me since I was simply occupied trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
It's totally ok to have a character be confused. It's never ok for the audience to be confused.
Overall, I have to say you know how to do your eldritch horror techniques (dat tense change in the presentation), and that made this kinda fun to read, but I don't think it's your best work.
3295557
Well, I wasn't expecting this review from you. Kind makes me happy. really, really happy....
At any rate, most of your issues have been corrected. Some even before I got to reading this review (As is usual of my post-posting clean-up, which you know all about). Matter of fact, I came today to post that very updated doc.
Now, far as your issues go. Some are on purpose, and others are due to my lack of current will to give this piece yet another fix, less I delay all my other work (which is already being delayed due to illness and the desire for some R&R). The piece stars off somewhat dully because the situation is dull. That's the point. Far as the rest goes... well, I get the feeling the message of the piece completely flew over your head. Dawn is underdeveloped for a reason, and Dawn's not really an OC (though, technically Dawn is). I also don't think I ever gave Dawn a set Gender, though I might have. I should double, check.
In truth, your points are valid, but at the same time, it feels as if you missed the entire ending part and the realization of what really took place in the piece. Is this part of the Equestria-verse for my tale? Even I'm not sure. it could be, but at the same time, it could all be chalked up to a crazy dream. The point of the piece is reality, yes, but not in the way you came out of it. There is another message in there. Actually, there are various messages in there.
That's what I mean in my last post by saying I was writing a story with a deeper meaning. Read more carefully, and you'll understand the meaning within the meaning.
Or don't, either way, I'm just happy you read and reviewed (though maybe, I should have had you run this once for your opinion while it was still being built). All in all, I agree fully with one of your final statements: this is indeed not my best work, but that's the point—just writing and getting it out.
3295914
Well cool. I've been doing this mega comments on stories now and again that I felt deserve it. I get mixed reactions but I figured you'd like it and I'm glad I could make your day.
I know not of this pony being developed in the FIM universe.
Yeah. I wrote my review statements that way to have that come across. It is what it is though. It may be convoluted, I may just not have payed attention. Test it with others and if they don't really get the message, then you might have to reconsider. As the artist, you are extremely biased to your own works' subtle hints. In When A Heart Loses It's Shine, I had a lot of hints I threw in to show that Shinning was alive and coming back that I thought were obvious, but at least 70% of people said the twist made no sense. I have to respect the statistic.
*spoilers* I think what happened was that this was a mix of "The Twilight Zone" and "Inception" where the guy in Twilight's dream thinks that he is dreaming and then woke up, but he was actually in Twilight's dream the whole time. The discussion about the Perihelion event was probably alluding to this. The beginning really threw me off, but this is what I got from the story in the end.
3295958 Maybe this will help with your understanding of the story.
Sometimes people just don't get foreshadowing.
BTW, Garnot, this was a really good story; there were a few mistakes, but a little editing can fix that right up.
3352504
You've pretty much got it, save for one fact which I'll leave unsaid to avoid spoilers this early in the story's life.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll try to find the errors in the story, though I won't know how many of e'm I'll get by myself.
Well, this is definitely the strangest story I've been assigned since joining WRITE.
But hey, strange or not, you asked for a review and I'm going to give you one. This story has some serious issues, and almost all of them are related to conveying information.
For a writer of fiction, information is a tricky thing. There's a balance to be struck. Be too vague about something, and people won't get it, or they'll fill in the blanks with something else than you intended. Lay it on too thick, and the story becomes very dry and boring. This story has both problems in different places.
Before I go into details, let me remind you that the purpose of a story is to make the reader feel something. Make us feel angry, happy or sad; make us laugh; or just make us curious what's going to happen next. Any other purposes, such as showcasing an interesting idea or preaching a political message, should always come second. I assume you accept that; if you don't, you're better off writing a philosophical thesis than a story.
With that in mind, let's take a look at the first few paragraphs of your story. First we get a lecture about the concept of a perihelion. Then we are informed of Dawn's project and its aims, and the fact that Princess Twilight is also working on it. A little later on, Dawn and Twilight talk about the perihelion - essentially repeating the lecture - and Dawn introduces her bright new idea for the project.
Exposition, exposition, exposition. There's even a literal As You Know moment!
Exposition isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and explain some essential fact about the premise, the setting, or a character's background. But those moments should be few and far between, and they should be worked into the flow of the story. Just dropping a bunch of it on our heads like this is rightly called an Infodump.
By contrast, the aspects that make up the meat of any good story - characters and their interactions - are only touched on very briefly. When you do write about your characters, you turn the "Show, Don't Tell" rule upside down:
How are we supposed to empathise with Dawn if we're simply told what her personality is like, rather than figuring it out from her actions and words?
The conversation between Dawn and Twilight about friendship has similar problems (besides coming completely out of nowhere). It's all laid on too thick, spelled out too explicitly. This little speech from Dusk takes the cake, though:
So there is a theme to all this! There is symbolism! That's fine, but those things should be worked into the story itself, not explained to us in a lenghty monologue.
I think that about covers the parts where you tell us too much. There are also parts where you tell us too little.
First of all - this might seem like a silly detail, but you never give us a clue as to Dawn's sex. I read her as a mare for some reason, but when I read other commenters referring to her as "him", I realised there was nothing in the story itself that could tell me this. What she looks like is left completely blank, as well. She's a bodiless cloud of thoughts.
Then there's the "hidden meaning" - what is it, really? What's the big connection between Project Perihelion and Twilight's fears of not having friends? Who's dreaming what, and how many layers of dreams are there? It's anyone's guess.
I know it's not strictly in-story, but this comment makes very clear what the problem is:
If there is anything left to spoil after someone has read your entire story, you're doing something wrong.
There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but not many, and most of them seem to be simple typos. The only recurring error I've noticed is tense inconsistency. Dawn's dream (which is a part of Twilight's dream... I guess?) is written in the present tense, but you slip back into the past tense very often.
To sum up: this is an original story. It does its best to be strange and confusing, and it certainly succeeds at that. However, the infodumps, heavy telling, and almost complete lack of characterisation prevent it from being anything else.
Signing off,
MidnightRambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
Gotta say I was a little disappointed by the opening. It's like everything you tell someone not to do when introducing an OC. :/ Ending kind of makes up for it, though, at least enough for an upvote. Some interesting ideas at work here, at least.
Well that was... strange. Random it certainly was, but I have difficulty seeing it as anything else.
Your OC Dawn seemed to be there for things to happen to, rather than taking any action his/herself. As a result it was hard to get invested in him/her.
I honestly felt like this story started in the middle, went nowhere and stopped before it explained anything. The fact that it changed from being about prosthetics to dreams, then to friendship problems without reaching any real conclusion about any of them left me lacking any real interest in it. TL:DR, I don't understand what you were trying to say, and that makes this story boring for me.