NOTE: THE STORY IS CURRENTLY UNDERGOING HEAVY CHANGES. ONCE COMPLETED, NEW CHAPTERS WILL SUPPLANT OLD ONES. ONCE THE NEW CHAPTERS ARE UP, OLD CHAPTERS WILL BE MOVED OVER TO THE STORY "PONY NOIR: WHERE IT ALL STARTED" FOR FUTURE POTENTIAL READING.
UNTIL THEN, ENJOY THE STORY CURRENTLY WRITTEN WHILE THE NEW REDUX TAKES SHAPE.
While investigating a string of violent crimes in Canterlot, detective Gro'gar—a pony of sordid past and uncertain future—stumbles upon a conspiracy that reveals one of the nation's oldest evils is raising once again.
Now, together with a young Shining Armor and a former cultist filly much like himself, he'll have to uncover the terrible truth before the shadowy cabal makes its next deadly move in their bid for control. What he uncovers—and the battles he subsequently wages—will test his resolve, integrity, and very nature. After all, monsters are not born. Monsters are made. Not even Gro'gar is safe from this fate
Cover graciously provided by TapeDiggity. Go check out his work ASAP.
Many thanks to my editor (at least until he decides he's had enough of my work) Prak
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Now officially on Equestria Daily
This story is now 100% Twilight's Library approved
Now in the Fimfiction Gold Archives
I have to say, that is some quality setup. Starting it off thick and intruiging, with a definite layered feel to the story - of all the longform stuff I've read on the site, this has to be one of the freshest ways to kick it off that I've read before. It's almost cinematic in the authorial choices like the angles and the imagery. Looking forward to more.
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More is on its way. Once a week to be more accurate. At least till I run out of chapters
UPDATE
As of 11/4/13, at exactly 11:27 am eastern pacific time, this chapter has seen an update.
This thing is thick. I feel every sentence I read to be trying to get the meaning of three others. And I like it. I like it quite a lot. I like enough to be going right now to make my first blog post and tell people to read this.
Hope you keep writing it.
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Glad you are enjoying this story. Really, really glad
And yes, there is more of this on the way. Next chapter ships next week, Thursday or Friday. Keep an eye out for it.
Oooh, some AU. This has caught my interest, I'll be back to read more later.
Eww... first person present tense. Still, it's well done first person present tense.
Chapter 2:
You could use active voice here.
Chapter 4 ends with a paragraph out of format with the rest of them.
Well, that's the extent of the obvious errors I noticed. This is very well written noir. I particularly like the setup and the way you take plot twists and twist them further. Liked, and favourited.
An interesting AU. I will definitely read more.
An interesting take on the classic detective story. Will definitely read more!
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You best come back and enjoy it brother. Otherwise, you'll be missing out BIG TIME
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More is on it's way. Next chapter in... less than an hour!
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I'll get to correcting those little issues you pointed out.
As far you liking the story, that's freaking awesome. More is on its way. Matter of fact, new chapter's in less than an hour's time.
Aw yeah, great storybuilding. I love that idea with elements of harmony.
And so the setup, intrigue, and rabbithole begins. Pacing and characters were a pleasure to revel in, though there's the occasional missing full stop and that thing with capitalizing "Cop" for Good Cop, Bad Cop. But still, as I was reading this, this thought came to mind - this kind of setting, deep, delicious plotting, thick and thick mystery, is very you. The voicing is something that's definitely you, which I think you should take pride in. I don't have a voice as distinct that I can claim for myself.
Wait. Wait a moment. If this is what I think it is... The interrogation is an illusion of the mind?
Hah, called it!
Also, you've just made me read well over 20k words in a sitting. Dang. Wasn't expecting that.
Seriously, though, this has been quite the pleasure to read. I like it a ton better than Dear Diary, even, because damned if I don't like G. While the whole internal struggle thing could be pulled off cleaner (it feels weird that he's having these struggles triggered from the current events, since I'm reading it that he's gone through such events before as a detective - why hadn't he resolved them by then?), the rest more than makes up for it. The action scenes, especially, such a nice, crisp, smooth execution. Much to be appreciated here.
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that's only the beginning. Pretty soon, you'll see that everything if far larger. Far, FAR larger.
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I'll see about fixing the "cop" issues. I capitalize then because they are treated like names, but I guess it doesn't make much sense to do that in the end.
Far as the voice goes, Thank you! I must confess though, I've sort of cheated in a way. I say that because the voice is actually the kind of voice I would like to have in real life, but can't quite master sound-wise. I speak like this to myself very often. I don't know if that counts as self-insertion or not. Still, in the end, if the voice works, it works.
(also, one of the benefits of first-person narration is that you can actually focus on the voice! It's so fun to do so!)
Thank you for reading. You'll enjoy the chapters that are to come.
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Maybe...
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Heh, can't pull one over you, can't I?
At any rate, the reason G is dealing with this now is because he's never really had a client die because of his direct neglect. Joy also doesn't help matters much, particularly since she's more precious to him that even he knows. That's something that will get explained later, but not before it all ends.
I hope you keep on reading, because things are about to get REALLY good. Which means that everything's about to go bad for G.
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You will not be disappointed by the following chapters.
This. I like this. Upvote, watch and a fave from me. Keep on typin'.
Wow. And I mean wow. This universe that G walks through is one of the most complex I have seen on this site so far. G himself reminds me of Ben 10, with his nifty shape-changing ability, but that's a compliment, believe me.
Good descriptions for the fight scenes, magic usage effects, characterizations, etc. I can tell you have been writing for years.
The story itself is very interesting. It's cool seeing G's ugly past never being far from his mind or his reactions to what he does to other people.
I kept thinking of that song "Monster" by Skillet as a running theme song, but you probably had other tunes in mind.
I'll look at your other stuff just as soon as my Wi-Fi pulls it's head out of the loo. (It's taken several dropped connections just to read the last two chapters.)
It's good to have you on this site. Keep up the good work.
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You finally read it. Awesome. I knew you wouldn't be disappointed in the story I've waved so far. Keep yourself posted, since the last three chapters of this story (which might just pan out into two-parters like chapter 3 did) will soon come to redefine the series to come.
"I can tell you have been writing for years."
Honestly, I've been writing 'professionally' (and I use that term loosely), for only three years. The rest of my writing experience has been loose and very much painful. I've been whipped into shape by many helpful individuals, chief among them Nick and, Coulter, and the great Samurai. Vimbert comes a close second in the list of those who have aided me. Matter of fact, he's the one who convinced me to start writing my books (all of which were mostly lost with my old hard-drive).
Far as music choices go, your song is fitting, but somewhat blunt. The inspiration for Gro'gar actually came more from real-life events than a song. Now, there is a song for the entirety of the "Equestria" narration, and said song is The Smashing Pumpkins' "The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning." one single quote above all others painted the image of the world the characters inhabit. It is also used in one of the upcoming chapters:
"For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate."
As for the rest of the story, particularly "The Fifth," that's a bit more difficult to pin down. There are just so many musical influences ranging from Jazz, to the orchestral. I can't just say there is one piece that fully inspired it.
You were right about this getting better in later chapters. Great detail in the dialogue and the action, compelling characters, and you capture the noir atmosphere well.
Nice work.
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A neat, ugly, brutal and truly harsh reality here. I love it! You've done something unique here, and I pray you continue it.
Do you make those wonderful art deco images yourself?
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As a matter of fact, yes, yes I did. I essentially took the design of a cog, the design of a city, and then added the magical tongue used by some mages in-story to the cogs to both simulate technology and magic being almost one, and that's how I got the main design for the logo.
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I'll continue it soon enough. I've just been sidetracked by a few smaller projects on the side.
What's with the bolding of proper nouns once, then never again?
Should be hoofstep.
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Originally, it was to bold out important terms or idea that G, as a character, would keep track off. I decided against it, so I'm starting to phase them out in the editing process.
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Can't wait til this is over and joy hits that legal age mark so G and her can bump uglies and make horrific terrifying children.
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This was so good...please may I have some more?
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If I had my way and had total control over my scheduling nowadays, you would indeed have a whole lot more. Sadly, work has been taking up most of my time, thus keeping me from finishing this up as intended.
Still, I might just have something up my sleeve in the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more.