This story is a sequel to Celestia's Chosen
Set to take place during "Look Before You Sleep", Spike the Dragon meets up with a mysterious, yet friendly, unicorn who aspires for greatness.
Seeing his chance to gain wisdom otherwise unattainable, the mysterious unicorn, to whom we later learn is Vitriol Ink, convinces Spike to aid him in exploring sealed off areas of the Royal Canterlot Library. It is here that he discovers tomes of knowledge that will eventually lead him to become one of "Celestia's Chosen" through his own means of magical knowledge.
Chapters (1)
Good story you got here.
There's quite a few things wrong here.
1. You constantly refer to your character not by name, but as 'the clever unicorn', 'the blue unicorn', and 'the purple haired unicorn'. This is an example of 'lavender unicorn syndrome', meaning that you constantly use descriptors instead of names. Matter of fact, I'm reasonably certain you never actually used his name in the story itself, except for the 'learn more' links at the bottom. I realize you want to be descriptive, but there's many other ways to do that.
2. You call him 'the clever unicorn', but frankly, he's not. Let me explain: It's not that he's clever, it's that you've simply written the other characters wildly out of character to allow for him to appear clever. That guard at the archives? Needs to be fired. Spike? Is smarter than to allow some unicorn he doesn't know to snoop on both study materials for Twilight AND the restricted archives. SHOW us he's clever. All you've shown here is that everyone else in the story is borderline retarded.
3. Alchemy is not a 'new magic' as evidenced by the books. You know, on the subject? That are in the archives? That he's stealing? In a bid to win Celestia's favor, of all things? This makes, quite literally, zero sense. I realize you're trying to present him as a villain (what with the jealousy, the apparent anger, the stealing, the lying, the bribing Spike with gems, etc etc etc...), but please have his 'evil mastermind plan' make sense.
I get what you're trying to do here. I do. But this doesn't work. Having a story with these flaws, with it being this short, does not give any incentive for me to "learn more" about your character. He's bland, uninteresting, and the only way you apparently have to MAKE him interesting is to make canon characters into little more than cardboard props that move when you tell them and how--no matter how out of character that makes them.
I realize this was probably harsh, but frankly, I think you needed it.
On the positive side:
Your grammar was mostly sound, which is a rarity with a lot of fics now. I do find the way you split up the paragraphs to be a little strange, but you at least followed the 'new speaker, new paragraph' rule, which I appreciate. It needs brushing up and restructuring to make it a truly great fic. You have the tools, it's all in how you use them
Golly. Now that's what I call a critique!
When I wrote this story, I didn't initially have the character's name. He is a character of a friend to whom I should've taken the time to go through and write in. However, I was lazy and just left the story "As Was" from when I wrote it before. This certainly does me no favors here, but I thought I'd try anyway.
As for everything else, I really just let my mind try to create a scenario that would bring an old magic back into a new magic. I don't recall much, if any, alchemy being used in the show. As such, it would be "New" if Vitriol were to find a way to use it in conjunction with unicorn magic of the day.
Overall, I pretty much let my friend down by not making proper edits and just leaving it as-is. A mistake I shan't repeat in the future.
This was a story written for a friend who, when I wrote it, didn't have a name for his OC. I found it a fun challenge to write it knowing I had no name to go with as being a "Mysterious" character made him more fun.
Though, as I noticed from the critique above, I should've edited the story so that it did have his name once I actually had it. Oh, well. I am a writer and, as such, I go down with my ship proudly. :)
3215933 Right, but the problem is that by having books on Alchemy (plural, by the way-that was more than one book), that rather implies that Alchemy is very much a thing in Equestria. As it stands, you didn't imply a single thing about mixing magic and Alchemy--the way this was written, it appears that Alchemy is supposedly the thing that will make him stand out and be special enough to Celestia to be a "chosen one".
I also note that you did not respond to my critique of having everyone else be out of character to suit the OCs needs; I can only assume that is because you have no intention of fixing the glaring errors with that in the story.
And yeah, critique is what I do sometimes.
Additionally, if you wish to reply directly to someone's comment, press the little quotation mark button in the upper right hand corner of their post.
3216142 Let's see if I got this right with replies. I am new to this style of replies and had thought it did properly give you a response.
Regarding "Out of Character", I am going with how this is meant to be in a "Parallel Universe" as neither Vitriol Ink, nor any of the other characters in my other story, truly exist in canon. Thus, the story itself is not intended to be 100% "Spot On"
I also add that, at the time of writing it, this was how I interpreted the characters based on how I had come to understand them. Characters are viewed differently through all those who see them.
The story was written largely around how I have come to see Spike being "Left Out" and would want to be seen as someone special instead of simply Twilight's Assistant. The show has many moments in which make Spike an odd-man-out and, thus, I used that as my premise for him being so open to the character of Vitriol. It's not like the show itself often gives Spike a whole lot of appreciation. Or, in the least, seen as more than just the note taker, chore doer, etc.
Nope! I have no intentions on doing anything different with this particular story. Especially since, just the other day, the creator of Vitriol wrote a story of his own that makes this one non-canon to what he has evolved his character into since I wrote this initially for him months ago. I just wanted to post it here to see what people might think of it for this is a site for "Friendship is Magic" stories. It may not be my greatest work, but I did my best and, truly, am willing to go down with the ship on it.
FIM Fiction may not be my strongest point in writing, but I do like to try as the inspiration hits me. I'm largely better at doing Children's Books and Tween Fantasy. Though, can't get better if you don't practice by putting yourself out there.
3219091 The problem is that you haven't made Spike special here; you've made him, as I said, borderline retarded. Spike is an intelligent, sensitive, and brave baby dragon--however, there is a large difference between 'bravery' and 'general stupidity', and I daresay you've crossed it. Personally, you're not doing any of the characters any favors with such hollow and wooden characterization, but if you refuse to improve, that's hardly my concern.
Have a good one.
3219104 Actually, I am, have, and am continuing to do quite the contrary. I just don't intend on doing anything with this story as the OC's owner is now well on his way on developing his character beyond the notes I had when I wrote this tale months ago.
Other reasons for not editing this particular tale are that, for me, I like to keep works I've done "As is" unless they are serious efforts involving my personal collection of original characters that are of no relation to any previously existing program. Those are worth my time where an effort like this is simply like a "Stepping Stone" and a way of seeing where I was compared to where I am as I continue to attempt to write such works.
Personally, I did a much better job with my "Celestia's Chosen" series itself. That will be what I'll be adding to when I next write any sort of FiM Fiction as it has a fair following elsewhere and I enjoy the way it is going.
Writing is a learning experience and, often, it is best to just move on rather than dwell on something that could've gone better. Especially when, interestingly enough, I got a far more positive response elsewhere than I have here to this particular work.
That said, I appreciate your time in reading the story. It may not have been what you liked, but it is what it is and everyone is entitled their opinion.
3219544 Well, yes. There appear to be more professional writers and such on this site than on, say, furaffinity or deviantart. Of course you'll get more positive responses elsewhere :p
Take care~
3219588
I wanted to take a moment and apologize to you for the exchange in which we had back when I shared this story.
At the time, I was very sensitive and let my sensitivity get the most of me. As such, I was not as open as I am now when it comes to criticism such that you had to offer.
I wish you a most wonderful holiday and, again, apologize for my lack of professionalism. Happy Holidays!
3647660 oh wow.
An author apologized to me?
It's a Christmas Miracle.
I really do appreciate it. I'm just in mild shock at the moment.
If you ever need or want help, or just a second pair of eyes to look over something, feel free to contact me.
I hope your holiday is pretty awesome, too
3647678
Well, the apology has been long owed and I'm so sorry it took me this long to share it with you.
I've learned a lot from not being so "Reactive" to comments. I do not feel "Pony Fiction" is my strongest point. However, the constructive criticisms I've gotten as of late have really helped me with those works I do feel more strongly about.
It just makes me feel awful for how I let our comment stream get so out-of-hand. And, again, it was MY fault it happened. I was under a lot of stress at work and at home and I just wasn't in any good place to be thoughtful at all.
I'm much better now and, thanks to you, take my insults and criticisms much better. So, thanks for helping to take yet another step closer to being the writer I want to be.
3647785 It's okay, and I understand. A lot of authors are like that. If it helps, I didn't take it personally :) I'm glad you've grown past that, and I think I'm gonna throw you a follow so that I can see what you write next
I had liked the story before this my friend, but this one to be honest seemed a little lacking, I can't put my finger on why though
6375092
What's lacking is that, when I wrote it, the person I wrote it for didn't have a name yet for their OC. So I tried writing it generically to work around the fact his OC didn't have a name. It wasn't long after how I realized how this was a total fail. :(
Fortunately, if I ever get to do writing for this particular individual again, I now know the name of his OC. It is Vitriol Ink.
This story was one of my "Experiments" I tried here on FiM Fiction. Unfortunately this is but only one of my disasters in writing here. However, you got to experiment to learn. :)
6375229 True, very true, I am reading the next story in the line at the moment, I hope to enjoy it like I did the first one