To Fly in the Clouds Next to You
“Oh come on!” Rainbow swung her forehoof above her head and pointed vaguely at the ceiling. “Where do you girls keep hearing that I’m into mares?”
“Ah can’t help it if yah have some… features,” Applejack snickered, taking another sip of hard cider. “If Ah didn’t know ya, I might think that you weren’t a ‘stallion’ gal, if’n you know what I mean,” she finished with a wink.
“Ugh,” Rainbow sighed, putting a hoof to her face for a second before taking another swig of her rainbow-colored drink, causing her face to temporary turn purple as the alcohol burned in her throat. She winced, shook her head and triumphantly sneered, “I can’t help it that I have an awesome mane that other ponies can’t appreciate.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Rarity interrupted, taking a sip of wine from her sofa across the room. “You’re mane is quite fabulous, but it can be a bit…” she paused, searching for the right word to say, sneaking in another sip of wine.
“Misleading,” Twilight giggled, the alcohol clearly getting to her. “I’d totally think you’d make out with me.”
Rainbow Dash choked a bit on her drink, her face partially turning orange, as AJ let out a hearty laugh from her stool. “Rarity, this was a good idea having us over for drinks,” she continued, taking another swig of hard cider as Rainbow blushed. Rainbow quickly took another gulp of her drink to hide the reddening in her face.
“Oops,” Twilight muttered, looking around the room lazily with a silly grin plastered on her face “Did I say that out loud?” she questioned herself before giving a hiccup.
Rarity held in her laughter as best as she could while she watched the drunken mare realize her mistake all too late. She did consider the idea of a drunken Rainbow making out with Twilight and her mind wandered a bit. Shaking her head, she snapped herself out of her small trance and got up to walk over to where Twilight was barely sitting in a chair in the corner of the Boutique. “I think that might be enough for you, Princess,” she said with a restrained smile, holding out a hoof to help Twilight out of her chair.
“I s’pose Ah should be gettin’ along home anywho,” Applejack said, sliding her chair out from under her and trotting over to Twilight to help assist her out of her chair. “I’ll get drunkie here home safe’n’sound.”
“I’m not that drunk, AJ,” Twilight rebelled, pushing Applejack’s helping hoof away and getting up on her own. “I can get home fine,” she confidently said, right before trying to take a step and falling flat on her face.
“Uh-huh,” Applejack deadpanned, staring at the alicorn who had just failed to take a single step away from her chair. “And Ah s’pose ya intended that too, didn’t ya Sugarcube?”
“Maybe I am that drunk,” Twilight replied, her words muffled slightly by the floor she was currently sprawled out on.
“I gotta get going to,” Rainbow said as Applejack put Twilights hoof over her back and guided her to the door. “If I stay here, I might get as drunk as the Princess over there,” Rainbow chuckled while pointing to the inebriated alicorn who in turn gave Rainbow a dirty look. “I don’t want to show up to work tomorrow with a hangover or anything. Hell, judging by her state, I probably wouldn’t have even made it to work in the morning.”
“Get on home Rainbow, and try not to kiss any mares on the way,” Rarity jested with a sly grin.
“Yeah, yeah, you’re so clever,” Rainbow rolled her eyes before chugging the rest of her rainbow-colored spirit. Her face quickly flashed through nearly every color imprinted on her mane as the alcohol burned its way down her throat. “Ah, that’s good stuff,” she said, opening the door for Applejack and Twilight. “See you tomorrow, Rares. Maybe I’ll give you a smooch too,” Rainbow joked before blasting off into the sky.
Rarity gave a small smile before mumbling, “Maybe I’ll kiss you back, Dashie.” She had actually planned the party to try and bring up the subject of her attraction to mares. It was going so well until Applejack had made fun of Rainbow for the same subject. Then Dash had denied it all and her plan went right out the window. At least Pinkie Pie had been out of town for a confectionary convention. Rarity enjoyed the pink party ponies bonanzas, but she wasn’t the best at being delicate in matters. If only Fluttershy hadn’t had to leave for that rabbit of hers she might have been able to tell at least one pony that night.
“Oh well,” Rarity sighed as she picked up her wine glass and gulped down the rest of the red liquid, fighting herself in her mind. “Liking mares isn’t normal. You wanted a dream stallion, remember!” she told herself.
“But that dream stallion turned out to be a crybaby phony,” she rebutted herself, cleaning up the rest of the glasses that Applejack and Twilight had left. Finishing off the liquid that was left in Twilight’s glass, some sort of mixed drink involving lemonade by the taste, she walked to the kitchen and put the glasses in the sink, reminding herself to clean them the next morning.
“Oh, mares are supposed to like stallions, not other mares,” Rarity muttered to herself, heading up the stairs and into her room. Looking over at one of the mannequins, Rarity gave another sigh, seeing her rainbow line of clothing still on the plastic ponies. “Rainbow Dash likes stallions, you silly filly,” Rarity criticized herself, turning her head away from the fashion line.
Shaking the thought from her mind, she went to her bathroom and slowly removed her makeup for the day. Slowly wiping away the mascara and eyeliner, she blinked a few times, the sleep starting to get to her. Finally getting the makeup off her eyes, she took a towel off the rack and turned on the faucet with her magic, splashing her face with lukewarm water to remove the rest of the makeup. She dried her face with the towel and turned off the faucet, thinking about Rainbow even more, the singular line she said before leaving stuck in Rarity’s mind. She just couldn’t shake the pegasus from her mind no matter how hard she tried.
Rarity pondered what life would be like up in a cloud house as she took out her toothbrush to brush her teeth as best as she could. She had had her first taste of being in the clouds when she had gone to support Rainbow in the Best Young Flyers Competition, but Twilight had told her that it would be much different than how a pegasus walks on clouds. She mentioned that the spell actually caused her to float above the clouds a few inches, while pegasi actually walked on the cloud itself. Rarity wanted to know what clouds actually felt like, if they were like walking on pillows or like walking on water. She would never know, though, being born a unicorn.
Rinsing her mouth and spitting out the excess water, Rarity walked over to her bed, levitating her night mask over to her, putting it above her horn so she could get comfortable in bed before going completely blind. Levitating the sheets backwards, she climbed into her bed and fluffed her pillows a bit to get into a comfortable sleeping position. Finally deciding that she was settled in enough, she levitated the sheets over herself and switched the lamp off next to her bed. Just as she was about to put on her sleeping mask, the clouds outside her window broke ever so slightly, letting her see the half-moon that rested high in the sky.
“Oh dear Luna, it is a beautiful night,” Rarity commented, a heartwarming smile creeping onto her face. “What a wonder it would be to see that sight from the clouds where the moon would be so much bigger. If only...” Rarity paused in her speech, deciding that it was best not to dwell on it. “I need my beauty sleep,” the unicorn finally told herself, pulling the mask to her eyes with her magic and closing her eyes. She pulled the covers up to her chin, nudging herself into a comfortable sleeping position. After a few restless tosses and turns, along with some withering thoughts on Rainbow Dash, Rarity finally let the blackness of sleep consume her.
A low rumble suddenly rang throughout Rarity’s head, waking her from her slumber. Opening her eyes, she noticed that her sleeping mask was gone, but also that her boutique had vanished entirely. Sitting up, Rarity saw a sight that befuddled her. Her bed was now resting on a cloud high up in the sky above Ponyville, the moon and stars stretching infinitely out above her. A gentle breeze blew through her mane as the cloud seemed to drift along at a very slow pace.
“Oh my…” Rarity muttered, taking in the moonlight and the spectacular view. She had no idea how her bed had ended up on the top of a cloud, but she suspected that Rainbow Dash had something to do with it. She had always been a jokester, but even Rarity was surprised that she had taken it this far.
While Rarity did enjoy the view, the massive fall below her was starting to worry her quite a bit. She had to be over a hundred meters above the ground, and a fall from this height would most definitely kill her. She had no way of getting down, and she would most likely be trapped on the cloud all night.
“Oh Rainbow,” Rarity sighed, slumping back into her bed. As she fell, a strange feeling pressed into her back. “Ouch!” Rarity yelled, as it had felt like her back had landed on a stick. She quickly sat back up and turned around to see what it was that she had fallen on. She wasn’t prepared for what she saw though.
A pair of wings, one of them thoroughly ruffled from Rarity’s recent fall, were attached to her back. She gasped, raising a hoof to her mouth to contain her surprise. Somehow she had become an alicorn, as the unicorn had magically sprouted a pair of wings. Moving her hoof to her forehead, she noticed that, in the night, not only had a pair of wings been somehow given to her, but her horn had vanished. Her hoof brushed past the spot where it normally had been.
Rarity sat in shock as she realized that she hadn’t become an alicorn, but a pegasus. Her eyes stared at the beautiful white feathers now adorned on her back and her hoof absentmindedly rubbed the place where her horn had always been. Rainbow Dash couldn’t have done this, Rarity thought, her brain still trying to get used to the new appendages that had magically appeared in her sleep. Twilight had to have some part in this, she concluded, once again peeking over the cloud that she was resting on. Her wings felt so foreign to her, but as she stared at the drop below, they flared out, almost instinctively reacting to the thought of falling from that height.
Rarity ran a hoof through her wings. They felt the same way as Fluttershy’s did when she had come to Rarity to help her remove some pine needles after an accident with some squirrels stuck in sap. “If these truly are real,” Rarity started, flaring out the wings and putting them back at her sides, “Then, I must really be a pegasus…” The last part of her phrase was said with very little confidence. She wanted to test it, but the fear of falling kept Rarity sitting tight in her bed. She sat there for a few minutes admiring the view of the moon and the mountainside in the distance. She even saw the Canterlotian Castle in all its glory, lit up on the side of one of the more impressive mountains. Soon, though, the curiosity got the better of her.
“Pegasi can walk on clouds,” the unicorn-turned-pegasus muttered to herself, “so that means that I can too.” Rarity stuck a forehoof in front of her eyes. “I suppose a test would be in order. I could always hang on to the bedframe and put my hoof on the cloud. If it goes through, then I can just wait for Rainbow Dash to come and explain this little prank of hers.”
Rarity, now confident in this plan that she had made up, scooted to the edge of her bed. She tried to magically move the covers back before remembering that she no longer had the powers of a unicorn. Using her teeth, she bit the end of the covers and threw them as hard as she could go with such little space. They barely made it to her back hooves. “Bleugh,” Rarity said, wiping her tongue of the taste of blanket and kicking the covers down past her hooves. “How do those pegasi deal with such unsanitary means of moving things?” she complained to nopony in particular.
Putting a hoof on the corner of her bed, she leaned over as much as her limber body would allow. She could easily touch the cloud with her other hoof, but she was a little hesitant at first. What if I were to slip and the cloud would not support me? she fretted. You must do this Rarity. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck on this cloud all night.
“Well,” Rarity said, taking a deep breath and extending her hoof towards the white, fluffy cloud, “here goes nothing.”
She slowly moved her hoof closer and closer to the cloud, feeling the water droplets forming on her hoof. Slowly, it sunk further and further in until Rarity was about to give up. Suddenly, she felt something like a floor. It felt solid and yet light, almost as if she were stepping on some sort of gel. She raised her hoof and lowered it much more quickly into the cloud. The same gel feeling seemed to encase her hoof for a second before bouncing it back to the surface. Rarity inserted her hoof into the cloud again, again getting the same reaction as before. It actually was quite amusing. It felt almost as if she were kicking a trampoline. She pushed her left hoof in once more, but this time she also pushed her right hoof in too. The cloud took her weight, and she got a little braver, jumping up and slamming her front two hooves into the white trampoline.
“Haha!” she gleefully shouted. “I can see why Rainbow loves to nap on these things. Oh they must be heavenly to lie on...” she trailed off as her front hooves sunk into the cloud, her curiosity now starting to get the better of her.
“Maybe if I just…” she started, swinging her back legs off the bed and onto the cloud. The white fluff was now supporting her weight entirely, and she felt somewhat more at home strangely. Sitting on the cloud, she played with the wisps of the cloud before lying down entirely. “Oh, now that is just…” she said rolling onto her back and closing her eyes, “heavenly! I simply must have one of those cloud beds. I’d never have to worry about waking up sore again.”
It truly did feel as if she were just floating in the air, her back and wings depressed into the pillow-like surface. She never felt more comfortable in her life, and she just wanted to bury herself in the fluff. Rubbing her hooves back in forth as if she were trying to make a snow angel in the cloud, she dug herself deeper and deeper into the gel-like surface. Before she even knew what was happening, a feeling of vertigo overcame her, and she opened her eyes to reorient herself.
What she saw terrified her. The cloud she had been digging into was above her, rapidly flying upward. Suddenly she panicked and realized that she had dug too deep and was now falling. Her heart race skyrocketed and her eyes dilated as the feeling of falling overcame her. She started hyperventilating as her body started to tumble. She flipped around and saw that the ground was coming toward her. It was coming fast.
Almost completely subconsciously, her wings shot out, and the air rushed past them, slowing her fall almost instantly, and jerking her forward. She felt like she should have been screaming, but her breath was taken away from her as the trees and hills seemed to blur past as she rocketed forward, her mane being blowing forward. She looked at her wings cutting through the air, then back at the ground rushing past her before looking forward again. Her terror suddenly faltered, and a sense of freedom rushed through her as well as a bolt of adrenaline. She was flying, or at least gliding.
This felt nothing like the butterfly wings that Twilight had given her back when they visited Rainbow Dash in the Young Fliers Competition. This felt natural. This felt right. Her face, still frozen in fear, relaxed and a smile formed. She looked at her wings again, noticing that the ground was still closing in, although much slower than before. She gave a flap, causing the air to pulse around her and also to cause her to momentarily rise up. A grin replaced the smile as Rarity gave a couple more flaps. Now she was flying.
She pulsed her wings, the wind blasting past her ears, and her eyes watering. “HA HA!” She screamed into the night, pushing her body upwards, herself now rising up again towards the sparse few clouds that were in the sky. She went straight upwards, headed right at the moon. Her eyes watered, but she loved the feeling. She had always feared heights, but now she wanted to go as high as she could.
After a minute of flying straight upward, she started to feel weak, faltering slightly in the air. She felt light-headed and knew that she needed to land. Leveling herself out, she looked around for somewhere to land. She finally saw just how far up she now was. The entire town of Ponyville seemed nothing more than an anthill, and the tall mountains looked to be no more than small hills. She was amazed at the view, and she wanted to stay up here for just a few hours, but she knew that if she didn’t land she was going to pass out, and that truly would mean the end of her.
She spotted a cloud just a couple hundred feet below her, and she gracefully glided in circles until she had landed on the small cloud. It was just big enough for her to make a sloppy landing. She hit the cloud with her front two hooves, but she was going much faster than she had expected, and when her hooves made contact, she tumbled end over end. The world flipped as she somersaulted over and over again towards the edge of the cloud. The terror from before returned as she finally landed on her side, skidding to the edge.
Finally stopping, her nose barely went over the edge of the cloud. Looking back at the makeshift strip, she noticed the deformities where she had tumbled, but she also saw that the cloud seemed to be reforming into one chunk again. Giving a sigh of relief that she hadn’t once again plummeted to her death, she closed her eyes and just breathed for a bit. Opening them again, she sat herself up into a sitting position and looked out over the landscape. She always had an appreciation for the night, but nothing she had ever seen compared to sitting on the solitary cloud above the world. She felt like an angel sitting and watching the beauty.
Glancing up at the moon, she gasped. It was almost three times as large as it had been when she was on the other cloud. Its light irradiated over the entirety of Equestria, and the Mare in the Moon was clearly visible. “Oh, Luna…” Rarity whispered to herself, in awe at the sight. She had always strived for perfection in her works, but she could say that this was the only perfection she could confidently accept as true.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it” a voice to her left softly spoke up.
“Yes it is,” Rarity replied, not processing that somepony else was now with her. “Wait!” she gasped, her head snapping to her left seeing none other than the rainbow-maned pegasus that she had become good friends with. “Rainbow Dash?”
“Hey Rares,” Rainbow smirked, still looking up at the moon. “Nice flying you did there. I thought at first I was going to have to come save you.”
“I…” Rarity began, baffled that Rainbow Dash had just appeared out of nowhere. “How long have you been watching me!”
“I was watching the whole time,” Dash answered, turning her head finally towards Rarity with the same stupid smirk plastered on her face. “I wasn’t about to have my best friend in the whole world die on my watch.”
“You...” Rarity started at a loss for words. Her brain had so many questions for Rainbow, but she was stuck on what Rainbow had just said. Rarity didn’t Realize that Rainbow liked her so much.
“I?” Dash mocked, the grin never leaving her face. “What is it, Rares? Want to fly together?”
No, I want answers! her brain shouted. “I’d love to,” her heart took over.
“Follow me,” Rainbow said, flaring her wings out, “and try to keep up.” She lept off the cloud and shot forward.
“No, ask her why you’re a pegasus,” Rarity scolded herself as she opened her wings and stood up. “Don’t ask her to fly…” She psyched herself up for a moment before taking a running leap off the cloud once more, freefall taking her.
This time, she was prepared for it. Rarity shot out her wings, her entire body jerking forward as she saw Rainbow’s shadow dart out in front of her. Rainbow did a loop and fell back nearly right next to Rarity. “Let’s try a few tricks!” Rainbow shouted over the rushing wind, gliding off to the right into a downward spiral. Rarity was just about to go after her when Rainbow Dash took a sharp turn directly upwards and blazed past Rarity, doing a number of flips and spins until she and the former unicorn were side by side. “Can you at least do a flip?” Rainbow asked.
“Uh…” Rarity bit her lip, not knowing whether or not to attempt the feat. She swallowed the lump in her throat and silently nodded her head with a fake grin. This shouldn’t be too hard, Rarity, she reassured herself. Just act like you’re pitching up, and keep going. That’s all. She flapped her wings a few more times before finally biting the bullet.
Pitching the edge of her wings, she immediately felt the wind taking her and flipping her around. She held tight as the entire world turned upside-down and the moon was floating beneath her hooves. For the split second her entire perspective was completely different. The world looked so odd from up there, completely turned on end. She kept her wings pitched and eventually, the world righted itself again.
Getting a little brave, she tried to do a roll, pitching one wing up and the other down. She immediately regretted that decision, as she started to roll out of control, the world spinning around and her perspective spiraling over and over again as the ground seemed to get closer and closer. Immediately pitching her wings the other way, she shakily stabilized herself, her heart pounding in her chest. She didn’t want to ever try that again.
Her hooves quivering, she started to regain her nerve when Dash flew up beside her again. “That was some tumble, Rarity!” Dash said, giving Rarity a friendly bump with her hoof. “Let’s land on that cloud over there and rest a bit,” Dash called out, pointing to the edge of what seemed to be a cloudfront.
With the knowledge of her last tumble onto a cloud, Rarity watched how Rainbow gave a few flaps to slow herself down before landing. Rarity tried to copy her as best as she could, but ended up landing a bit harder than she would have liked. Rarity burst through the bottom of the cloud, but not before Dash kept her from falling through. “Careful on those landings,” Dash chuckled. “Too rough, and you’ll plow right through the cloud.”
Rarity just nodded, completely out of breath and shaking from a mix of her nerves being shot and her strength being depleted. She collapsed on the cloud, letting her body rest in the jelly-like surface. The cloud even helped to cool down her sweating brow, and she gave yet another sigh of relief that she had avoided plummeting to the ground. Rainbow Dash chuckled before saying, “You really tired yourself out haven’t you?” Rarity responded by barely lifting her head and letting it fall back into the cloud lining. She wanted to ask so many questions, but the adrenaline rush had passed and the lack of sleep was starting to get to her.
“Your hair sure had one hell of a ride,” Rainbow laughed, lying down next to Rarity. Rarity made somewhat of a moan before putting her hooves up to her completely unraveled mane. After running a hoof through the locks of hair that were completely in a bushel now, Rarity found that there was nothing she could do to fix the damage, so she pressed her face back into the fluff. “You can brush it out later I’m sure, you drama queen.”
Rarity managed to give a bit of a smile as she folded her wings to her sides and rolled over onto her back. She saw Dash’s back hooves next to her head and realized that Dash was lying on her back as well. Rarity lifted her head to see Dash gazing into the stars with a relaxed smile on her face. Dash glanced over and noticed Rarity look at her. “The stars are pretty clear tonight,” Dash spoke, reverting her gaze back to the balls of light in the sky. “Of course, it helps that were on the highest cloud,” the pegasus continued, glancing back at Rarity with a smirk.
Rarity laid her head back on the cloud to see that the sky was indeed beautiful that night. It put her into a very romantic mood, and when she realized what thoughts were going through her mind, she blushed and turned her face away from Rainbow. She assumed Dash hadn’t noticed when she continued her one sided conversation, “It’d be a great night to bring that special somepony out to.”
The sentence had caught Rarity a little off guard. She had never imagined Rainbow Dash as the romantic type, much less the type that enjoyed stargazing on a summer night. She always thought of Dash being the pony to tear around the skies all day and then sleep all night. Rarity was deep in thought when Dash uttered another shocker. “In fact, I’d say it is a great night,” she started. “I’m already with her.”
Rarity gasped slightly before sitting up and staring at Rainbow’s face. Rainbow glanced at Rarity from the sudden movement before giving a wink. “But I thought you weren’t into mares?” She managed to get out before a strange lump formed in her throat.
“Oh, maybe a certain somepony changed my mind,” Rainbow said with a sly grin on her face, her eyes still trained on the stars above.
“Oh,” was all Rarity could manage to get out before Rainbow seemed to be swallowed whole by the white cloud, disappearing almost silently in a flash. “Rainbow Dash!” she called out, sitting up and putting a hoof over the spot she was just at. Rarity’s happy expression briefly changed to that of horror as she realized her friend who had just admitted feelings for her had just fallen through the cloud right next to her. “Rainbow Dash!” she yelled again, about to jump and search for her.
“You called?” Rainbow answered, landing on top of Rarity, her legs right next to the white mare’s head and stomach. Rarity was stuck underneath the rainbow-manned pegasus, and her face had become beet red as the their noses laid just inches from each other. Rainbow was wearing a huge grin as she towered over the former unicorn, saying softly, “What did you want to tell me Rares? Did you want that smooch now?”
Rarity laid in shock, her hooves curled onto her body and her face now redder than a beat. Shocked didn’t even begin to describe what Rarity was feeling. She desperately wanted to say yes and to admit her love for Dash, but the lump in her throat kept her from speaking a single word. Her mouth was open, but no sound was emanating from it. “I’ll take the shocked silence as a yes,” Rainbow Dash finished her own conversation before leaning over towards Rarity. Rarity closed her eyes and prepared herself for Rainbow’s soft lips.
“Rarity, why are you making kissy faces?” a voice interrupted the moment.
“What?” Rarity gasped, her eyes opening to see not the face of Rainbow Dash, but that of her little sister, Sweetie Belle.
“Why were you making kissy faces in your sleep, sis?” Sweetie asked again, a confused look plastered on her face.
Rarity looked around to see that she was still in her room in the Carousel Boutique. Her bed was where it should have been, and a quick check with her hoof told her that she was once again a unicorn as she normally was. She sighed as she saw light streaming through her window and realized that the entire thing hadn’t been an elaborate prank, but just a stupid dream. Of course Rainbow wouldn’t want to kiss her and go through all the trouble of making her a pegasus.
“Well?” Sweetie Belle pestered, jumping up and down at the edge of Rarity’s bed. “Who was it you were kissing in your dreams? Was it Big Mac? Was it Fancy Pants? Was it…” the small unicorn paused, standing still and raising an eyebrow, “Rainbow Dash?”
“It’s none of your business, Sweetie Belle!” Rarity scolded her sister, hoping that she wouldn’t have caught on that she had miraculously guessed the right answer. “Now go downstairs and get ready for school.”
“It’s Saturday, Rarity,” Sweetie Belle said with an unamused face. “Besides, you said you’d take me and the girls to Fluttershy’s to see if we could get our cutie marks in animal care.”
Rarity did remember how her sister had pestered her a few nights ago to visit Fluttershy’s cottage this weekend. “That’s right, I did,” Rarity admitted, looking out the window and thinking of the kiss that almost was. “Go ahead and find your friends then while I make us some breakfast.”
“Yay!” Sweetie Belle practically shouted before darting out of Rarity’s Bedroom. She heard Sweetie talking to a few other ponies and assumed that she must have already gotten her friends together.
Maybe this trip to Fluttershy’s place will help. I can talk to her about my feelings about mares. Maybe she’ll understand. Rarity thought to herself, throwing the covers off her bed and walking over to her mirror with a brush to comb out her hair for the day. She couldn’t have Rainbow Dash, but that didn’t mean she would never find true love.
“Ouch!” she yelped as she hit a knot in her hair. “At least love won’t be as hard as beautifying myself every morning... Eep!”
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I wish I could favorite this.
I wish this was a real story.
It's a really interesting premise.
Orgasmic
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Brilliant work, man.
Brilliant.
~Skeeter The Lurker
One day, Rarity, one day.
4667727 She's got enough game. Give her a week, and mares will be flocking all over her.
4667578 Thanks, Skeeter. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Rarity's a mare.
Other than that, this was great save for one thing- it's a one-shot. There is so much potential here, and I can't but feel that's the "complete" status is less of desire to have it done than it is an unwillingness to work with it. Still, I liked it, so have a thumbs up.
Is this complete? Your author's notes say as much, but the story is tagged as incomplete.
Either way, good story.
4667946 Thanks for that. I got it fixed up. As for the One-shot status, I don't like taking stories too far because I have a habit of going way overboard and then losing interest in the story. I'd rather have a complete one-shot labeled Slice of Life and let readers determine what happens than continue it myself and leave a story half-finished.
4667965 Yes it's complete. That was an error I've since changed.
4667975 oh, well that's an easy fix. Go out, find some dedication, and start really getting into these things. You're a fantastic author, there's just so much more you could be doing!
4668027
Agreed with what this guy said.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This was lovely. Rarity's experiences flying alone were fabulous.
I think keeping it as a one-shot is nice. There's some satisfaction for Rarity, even if it was only an amazing dream, and now we can all imagine that maybe, improbably, Rainbow Dash will somehow return her affections.
This is fantastic.
It should also have been edited.
4672512 Yes. Yes it should have.
I have mixed feelings about this story.
The romance itself felt rather weak. Not because it was unrequited by the end, in fact that helped make it slightly less weak than it would have been otherwise. Rather because we were given no reason at all for Rarity's attraction to Rainbow in the first place. Just some half-hearted guff dismissing her date with Blueblood. (I am willing to ignore Trenderhoof and any other stallions since the author's note makes it clear this was an old idea, but it would have been nice to see it updated to take S4 into account since Twilight was a princess.)
I think the premise about wanting to fly, even with Rainbow, would have worked just fine without the romantic angle. No doubt Rarity would have had all sorts of confusing and conflicting feelings after the Best Young Fliers competition, and a wish to fly with real pegasus wings and/or beside Rainbow, who saved her, could certainly be among them.
On top of all that, you invoked the 'rainbow hair = gay' trope and engaged in 'Ah-tism'. Both of which should be capital offenses. Also, for being a co-founder of "Overly Extensive Editors', this fic had a rather large number of grammatical and spelling errors for its short length.
Unfortunately, the negatives outweigh the positives of this story, and I find myself with no choice but to leave a downvote.
While I do tend to prefer TwiDash and RariCo, I do like RariDash quite a bit as well. Sadly, there are not too many well-written fics for this pair. I will say that I disagree with your opinion that Rainbow wouldn't want Rarity, but that is merely a difference of opinion and has nothing to do with how well the story has been told or not. I did read your author's note, and while it does suck that your own love life didn't go so well, it also sucks for your readers.
I can tell the original story about clouds from the rest. I'll start with it, because it's rather nice. Even though I immediately assumed Rarity was having a dream, it didn't detract all that much from my enjoying watching Rarity her surroundings. I could almost imagine the sheer delight she would have on her face, perhaps similar to what we saw in Power Ponies, at this new situation one the fear wore off. Having been in flight myself several times, I can relate to the sense of freedom and adrenaline, when you have the entire open sky to play in.
Once she met up with Rainbow Dash in the dream, things went more or less as I expected them to. Like the first part of the dream, it was fluffy and, while predictable, cute enough to enjoy reading about.
Overall, I could imagine this dream to be in a bigger, more serious story, and it would do a decently good job of showing me that Rarity is in love with Rainbow Dash. It would be better than I often see in poorly done romance stories that simply tell us that X has a crush on Y, and the cheap, easy to write shakes, blushes, stuttering, and worrying that plague the site.
The problem is, we don't get that bigger, more serious story. It's fine, I suppose, to leave off at this point and just let us, your readers, imagine how things play out from then on. Does Rarity just keep her crush to herself, and they go on for the rest of their lives as friends? Or do we get some high-drama stuff where Rarity decides she wants to try for her love, to try for romance, because Rainbow Dash is worth more to her than some petty noble? There's a possible great story just sitting there, waiting to be written.
Another thing I noticed is that the technical quality of the writing of the cloud story was better than the scene prior. I didn't really notice much in the way of errors, perhaps because at that point I was entertained well enough to unsee them. In contrast, our opening scene of drinking with four of the m6 was riddled with issues.
AJ's speech was abysmal. I get that a lot of writers on this site like to try to phonetically spell out AJ's accent, but that is simply annoying and bad grammar to do so. She's speaking English, write her dialog in English. Use word-choice to convey her voice, and let us sound out how she says "I" in our heads.
There were also weird tense errors. There were at least three different places where you used present tense words in an otherwise past tense sentence.
It felt like you couldn't decide if the opening scene was from Rainbow's or Rarity's perspective and drifted between them.
Dash's color-changing face was confusing, and it wasn't until nearly the end of the scene that it was due to her drink being magical that it finally made any sort of sense at all. This, along with all the other errors, is immersion breaking. Sore need of cleaning up and editing.
So then on to the really bad. Aside from poor grammar, poor style, and poor writing in general, there were several things that were just plain bad about the story. I already touched on the fact that we basically have a small snippet of a bigger, better story. We're left to just accept several things, like why the girls are drinking alcohol.
Then on to the dumb tropes. If I already covered the good and the bad, this is the ugly.
*It was all a dream. Somewhat forgivable because the dream itself was entertaining, and it was pretty obvious. It wasn't so much a copout, but still fairly poor writing. It would be better if this dream were given an actual purpose, to convey character, and show us within a story.
*Girls night out discussion. Rather than, as was done with Rarity, show us Rainbow Dash's character and show us the conflict, you tell us she's straight by having it come up as a question over drinks/truth or dare/etc. Rarity in canon shows that she is interested in stallions, and you take care to show us how that isn't true. With Rainbow Dash you just sort of dump it onto us.
*Rainbow's Mane. See, the "rainbow" wasn't a symbol for gay pride until relatively recently. It does still have a whole lot of meaning beyond that. Furthermore, it doesn't look like Equestria would have that association at all. Rainbows seem more related to the magic of friendship than gay pride. Furthermore, it is her natural hair color. Her friends know this. It's not like some "flaming fag" who dyed his hair rainbow just to be that much more flamboyant. This has to be one of the stupidest tropes around, and seeing it seriously used in a story makes me gag a bit.
And this is how we, your audience, suffer. You had a nice little scene. You felt it needed a good home within a story, and I agree with you there. You threw it in a trailer park though, and got it hooked on smack. It really shows that you had little to no heart to finish it, and the cloud story suffered as a result. Tell us the real story. Have them fail to get together, and tell us the story about Rarity learning to move on with her life, and hopefully remain friends. If that's the story you want to tell us, tell it. If you want to tell us how Rainbow really is a lesbian (or bi) but feels reluctant to show it because of it being uncool or something, tell us that story. But don't insult Dash's character and the world of Equestria. Don't make AJ into some incomprehensible caricature. But especially give Rainbow Dash as much attention to detail and care as you did for Rarity. Even if they don't end up together, she is tagged just as much as Rarity is, and this story is their story.
5141861 I suppose such an in-depth review deserves a reply and my thoughts. Most of what you said is definitely true, with the piece riddled with grammatical mistakes and perhaps some poor scene and sentence choices. I've since tried to get more people to look at my stuff before I let it go public.
This was more of a personal choice, as I have tried both longer stories and one-shots. What I notice is that usually when I begin an epic tale, 9 times out of 10 I end up canceling it due to lack of motivation, as I only do this as a side hobby and nothing more. I prefer to cut it short and let readers think of it what they will, as I feel that always makes for a better ending than an unfinished novel.
The tense problems were mostly slip-ups in my typing and aren't excusable. I apologize for any that you found.
Duly noted. This was my first attempt at doing an accent with AJ, and admittedly I probably went a little overboard. I'll try to fix that in any of my future works, and I'll talk wit some others before trying it out again.
As for this trope, I don't feel that it detracts from the story very much. I wanted to give Rarity the power of flight and fulfillment is always the easiest way to do it. I never intended the dream to be a secret and actually tried to show the reader it clearly was a dream. I only have Rarity accept it as reality because nobody realizes that a dream is a dream until they wake up. I don't see how physically being in the dream world is a problem when it doesn't turn into some deus ex machina.
5141309
Seeing how I've had this complaint twice, I'll say this. I pulled it out in the very beginning as a cheesy joke and to start the thought process behind Rarity considering her own sexuality, but had I known this joke I made in the first scene would cause such a big ruckus, I wouldn't have included it entirely.
Regardless, thank you for the feedback. I'll be sure to consider it in my future works.