Brownie Hoof escaped from Machine Bump and had to leave his foster family. He was left to fend for himself in Ponyville. Things end up changing once he fixes them, to be just as perfect as ever.
P.S Thank Celestia for Mr.Snowpony, which without I wouldn't have written this.
P.P.S Downvotes actually mean something now. Be careful with my story and I know it's bad.
This is not professional, and unedited or pre-read. I am probably younger than anyone who reads this, note that. Thanks if you should decide to understand.
Chapters (7)
Of what a coincidence, my friend's OC is also named Brownie.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/73406/rainbow-in-the-dark
Oh, GOD! Just from your first two paragraphs, the syntax is so horribly broken that it physically made me wince.
EDIT: Peeked ahead. This is gonna necessitate booze.
2945899 I don't know what that means.
This is a first, other than that stupid cancelled story I made. I just wrote something for my humor and I wanted people to read/edit it.
BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! BOOZE! I need booze!
2952442
It is better is to get editors before you realease stories.
Alright, let me try to be helpful here.
First, I must ask you this: Is English is your first language? I get a very strong feeling that it isn’t.
Your writing feels incredibly clunky and stolid. There is minimal flow between anything. Events just seem to happen for completely impenetrable reasons. I’ve gone through three chapters, and for the life of me, I honestly cannot identify any sort of plot threads or character arcs. It reminds me of the Call of Duty: Black Ops approach to storytelling, in that you just hurl the reader into scenes and make as much stuff happen as quickly as possible. It’s like reading a bunch of quick snippets that sort form a storyline. It’s like trying to piece together the plot of a movie by watching it during the commercial breaks of the main show you’re interested in. The whole thing feels more disjointed than a disorganized schizophrenic on LSD. I can’t fathom how or why anything happens in this story. Stuff just happens for no reason. Nothing makes any sense. There is a difference between a laconic narrative focused on the present, and a narrative that never shuts up or bothers to let the reader in on anything.
For example, Machine Bump is well established as being a shithole. However, it‘s only just over a year old and built by a rich pony for some completely absent reason. Only somehow, it’s already developed its own culture, economy, and even a sort of history. It’s an industrial town right in the middle of strategically vital fucking nowhere. There’s no reason to be there; nobody comes there to trade. It has its own special currency, and the only way to get it is to go elsewhere, which costs that unique currency, because there is absolutely bugger all in way of economic opportunity. Why even fucking exist? It’s obvious that the whole damn place is a waste and money sink for all involved. Being there is terrible, but somehow, you can’t leave, despite that being a common aspiration, even though apparently everybody seems to simultaneously want to stay. And means of escape are easily available. However, the penalty for trying to leave is being kicked out of the town, which is exactly what they want and a bad thing? That makes absolutely zero sense!
Your OC is not helping. Brownie Hoof arrives in Ponyville. For some reason, everyone seems to have a phobia of him, but at the same time, characters are willing to instantly be his best friend. The whole thing is very confusing and jumbled. He gets tapped on the flank, which somehow instantly makes him faint. The character doesn’t seem to have much of a personality for all I can tell. If he does, it’s just so utterly bland and unremarkable that I didn’t even notice because it all got drowned out by everything else. The audience has no reason to like or care about him. He is completely forgettable. Does he have an interesting character? No. Does he have any charisma? No, not that this keeps him from being popular with the mares. Does he stand out at all? No. I can’t even recall him ever initiating or being an active protagonist. Things just happen to him, and he goes along like a nondescript, brown, Mary Sue jellyfish floating on the ineffable currents of the plot. I can’t even remember a single thing any character has said. Your canon characters seem like very weak caricatures of who they are in the show. Look, I’m trying to find positives to this story, but it’s really tough.
Now, your syntax and style are absolutely dreadful. What’s the issue? It’s just plain bad, clunky, and oftentimes weird writing. You do so many short paragraphs of a few sentences or maybe even just one line. Those are not necessary. You could easily fuse enough of your paragraphs together to save screens of space. One problem of using lots of monotonous little paragraphs is that it makes things feel longer. Your second chapter was not even 3000 words long, but it felt oh so much longer than that. At least your grammar is technically passable, usually. Your prose is just so bad that I don’t know where to start or what to diagnose. I’d l to say that you need to pick if you’re going to build scenes or just go summarize it all like a report. Your style feels like you want to build scenes, but then everything else is so hurried that any chance of actually experiencing a narrative like that is dashed. It’s like trying to get five feet of length out of three feet of extension cord. It hits its limit and you suddenly realize that you have to settle for a lamp on your desk instead of your nightstand, so you just drop it there and move on. So much just constantly feels cut short. However, the feeling I get from the pacing is that you want to tell a much more leisurely tale. This is the writing equivalent of getting bored and walking off halfway through something just was it getting to the good part. Nothing seems to lead anywhere. Transitions are alarmingly absent. Nothing flows together. It all feels like a computer looked up words in a dictionary and simply pieced them together. As for your diction and syntax, all I can say is that what you are doing does not work. I’ve never seen any writing style like yours. Call it Avante-garde if you must, but that doesn’t save it from being broken and borderline unreadable. The fanfiction would be significantly improved if you were to just simply rephrase what you have so that it sounded more pleasant and natural. My number one complaint is that I find your syntax to be excruciatingly awful.
I want you to read twenty good stories by at least five different respectable authors. Take note of their styles and word choices. Pay attention to how they write. Look at what is put together and also think about what is not put together. Think about if the words would sound pleasant to you if you heard them read aloud. Ask yourself this: If they were to be read aloud to a packed sports stadium, and they gave out your real name and address, would you be honestly feel confident that by and large, the audience would be very pleased with the results, or would you be dreading an avalanche of hate mail?
As for mood and tone, I can’t find anything. The whole experience is downright flat and uninteresting. No conflicts develop. Storylines seem to just magically materialize and disappear in and out of the aether. It’s boring and desperately lacking in personality and charm. Listen, stories where an outsider becomes best buddies with mane six and get sucked into the show have very poor reputations.
One more thing: Seriously, get a damn good editor. You need one. Oh, and look up guides to fiction writing. Pay careful attention to those.
That’s all I can say now. I hope that this helps you. I don’t want to be mean, nor do I enjoy beating down stories and authors. However, I have to be brutally honest with this story. I’m not insulting you or telling you to quit. I’m just telling you that much needs drastic improvement.
I need an editor badly. English is my first language. I guess I'm not meant to be a writer.... Nor a reader of good fics. I made a really bad contribution to the FIMFiction society.
2958907 I understand where you`re coming from, but being a writer myself, seeing anyone say something bad about my story with so many words really hurts. I have yet to read the story, but there`s always a nicer way to say something especially with someone who has just begun writing and says that they`re young. First stories are always the worst. I`ve read really bad stories and you know what I did? Instead of telling them everything they did wrong, I showed them. I became their part time editor and I fixed the first chapter so they could see how to write it properly. Show them how to write a proper sentence, not why the sentence was wrong. Also, everyone has the right to hate a story, but simply disliking can be enough to show that the writing needs improvement. You don`t have to change the comment, I`m just showing you a different way to tell someone that they need help with their writing. One last thing, creating an OC can be hard, anyone can just take character with names and personalities and give them a story. OCs are hard so you should never be too harsh when talking about OCs. Most OCs are based off of the person themselves so if you dislike an OC you may possibly be pointing out faults in the person themselves. Nobody`s perfect, but nobody wants you telling them that in extreme detail.
I hope you have a lovely day! 
2960477 Don`t say that. Even if you aren`t meant to be a writer you should still try. Do what you love, who cares what you may or may not be good at? Please don`t hate yourself, it pains me to see people talking negatively about themselves. You`ve left no bad mark on FimFiction. Just being a part of this site makes it better, don`t let anyone tell you otherwise.
"It`s true, some days are dark and lonely, and maybe you feel sad, but I will be there to show you that it isn`t that bad."
P.S Seriously my OC isn't near a self-insert.
kalash93 Dun be so mean!
it's decent. The story itself is good. The writing just needs work.
I'm sorry...But the writing is pretty bad... Through most of the story I had no idea what was going on... Or how something happened....
