My Greatest Fear: Myself

by The DJ Rainbow Dash

My Greatest Fear

My Greatest Fear

You come running as I crash into one of your windows again. The glass breaks instantly, sending shards of it all over your bedroom, covering the perfectly made bed and scattering around the floor.

But at this point, you don’t really think much about it. Besides, you have magic to clean it all up, putting everything back into order as if nothing happens. It’s a nice power to have isn’t it; magic.

I apologize for what seems like the billionth time to you, and you respond with a glare but then a friendly chuckle saying that no harm was done. I’m surprisingly fine despite the severity of the impact, the lone exception being a couple of small cuts here and there, nothing that a day of healing won’t fix. They don’t call me the fastest in Equestria for nothing right?

But then you make a joke to me, saying that the Wonderbolts won’t take me if I continue to be so careless and crash so much.

Ouch.

You may have laughed while saying that, and I guess I’m supposed to assume that you’re just playing around and poking me in the ribs, a little tease to be exact.

But it hurts.

It hurts much more than you think.

And the thing is, it’s not just you doing it either, all of you think that you can just freely joke around with me like that. I’m supposed to be this indestructible pony which words can impact, apparently I have a rock solid emotional wall which can’t be broken. To be fair, I didn’t know I possessed this either.

What you might like to know, is that every one of those little “playful” insults and jabs you throw at me, well, each one is a stone being flung into that supposed wall, and each one makes a dent. Some of these dents layer upon one another, and eventually this wall starts to form cracks, cracks that spread like wildfire if not repaired with time.

The Wonderbolts is my dream, it is something that I have to strive for, because it is the bane of my existence at this point.
I have, no, I need to prove to myself that I am good enough to make their squad. I have to prove to myself that the title of best flyer in Equestria isn’t merely a title I place upon myself, but a well-known fact. Without this, well, all my boasting, all my achievements mean nothing.

And without this, where does this leave me?

I became a normal pegasus, and who liked that? Normal is boring, and I don’t do boring. I mean sure, I’m still the loyalty Element of Harmony, but in reality loyalty isn’t all too special. I just find it to be the right way to live, and I like to do the right thing… most of the time. Besides, all of you girls are just as loyal as me. Heck, I’m saying that I’m as loyal as I claim to be, yet I’m willing to leave the instant the Wonderbolts accept me.

And at this point, I don’t just want them to accept me, I need it. My entire life has been dedicated to practicing tricks and stunts, to improving my flying ability to the levels that they strive for in their squad. I like to think I’ve reached that level, but the rejections I have gotten time and time again make it loud and clear that I haven’t yet gotten to their level.

So those comments, even if you’re unable to notice, damage me more than you know.

I swear, I have trained and worked my tail off day in and day out, and every single year I reapply only to receive the same deflating envelope with the same banal writing saying that I just missed the cut, or something of the sort. And these letters, while your comments may be like stones, are like boulders being hurled right into the largest crack in the wall.

They make a hell of an impact, let me tell you that.

At this point, I’ve become so adaptive at hiding my emotions, that you all love to assume that I’m tough and have a shell which doesn't allow me to experience a high amount of sadness or some other sort of emotion.

And to respond to this, well, you’re all wrong. You’re all so very, very wrong.

I’ll be the first one to say it, I don’t like to experience these emotions, and I’ll admit that I lie and say that they are “uncool,” therefore I have no use for them.

But truly, I don’t know how to express just how I feel.

I cried enough when I was younger, and soon I just stopped altogether. The tears eventually stopped coming, because I started making that armored shell, the one that doesn't let in emotion. My childhood might have something to do with that, but the less I think about that time the better.

There are times where I mope in my home, all alone, with nobody to vent to about how crappy a day I’ve had, or how angry I am about something. And to an extent, it’s my fault for not speaking up about it and asking for help, or even seeing somebody about this, as much as I would resist the possibility.

But I haven’t.

Over time, it has built up inside me. This happens to be the water hidden behind the wall.

Very few ponies in my life know about what is behind the wall, the near toxic mixture of emotions I keep locked up behind this weakened wall, which continues to lose its strength with each passing day.

Sometimes I think about it, although I try to avoid it and just smile, as Pinkie would say.

But I can’t help but wonder if one day the wall will finally falter, and with it will be the spilling out of all this pent up emotion.
I’ve seen the damage a massive flood can have on a place, look at how long it took to rebuild Las Pegasus after the main dam to their water supply broke. It took the citizens years to finally get back to a sense of normalcy. The thing that makes it different is that we assume they are to a state of normalcy. For all we know, there might be lasting effects that disaster had on them, to the point where some ponies might never be the same again.

And this is where I come to a crossroads.

My image is something I consider extremely important to me. I love to be seen as the toughest member out of the six of us, the daredevil who won’t back down from any challenge no matter how big or how small.

But the day the wall breaks, well, my image is gone after not. Nobody will ever see me in the same light if I let all those emotions out that I have pent up. Heck, I have no idea what will happen when it does, if it does eventually happen.
I think it will.

Just imagine, a tough, brazen pony becoming a hysterical emotional wreck, a shell of her former self. Even if you would say she’s still the same pony, you’d be probably lying to yourself when you say you’d still view her exactly the same.

So while I like to believe that all my friends would be right by my side when this happens, I can’t guarantee that their image of me will stay, even for Fluttershy, who've I've known for as long as I can remember.

But there is another option, an option which would have a chance at not only repairing the wall, but also getting rid of the toxic mess behind it. With no worry of what’s behind said wall, what is there to worry about.

I could very well admit how I feel to all my friends and seek out help. But I’m afraid to do it, as much as I know it will help me in the long run. Years have gone by now, and there have been times where I think about it in depth, and even begin to plan out a course of action onto what I would want to do.

Never have I even made it to step one of any of these plans.

Part of it is my image, as I find it weak to admit my own flaws, even if many believe the opposite is true in many cases.

But the last time I opened myself up, it ended badly. I’m going to leave it there.

I wish I could tell all of you this, so that you could truly understand the way I feel about things.

I wish you could know that sometimes your words hurt me, much worse that you might believe. Some of the teasing eats me alive on the inside, and that I do find difficultly sometimes in grinning like nothing is wrong and taking it.

But there isn't any blame I could give any of you, because none of you really know any better. If anything, I should blame myself most for not letting anypony know truly how I work, and how I feel about everything. Things would be much better if you all had some insight.

To look back on it, I may call myself strong, tough, and brazen for being able to face any demon, any challenge, any danger head on and persevere. And in a sense, many of you might still agree with this as a proper definition for myself.

But in reality, the one challenge that I fail to tackle, that I fail to realize just how important it really is, is enough to dwarf out all the times I’ve been the strong member of the group. It dwarfs out my accomplishments. It dwarfs out all the accomplishments I’ve ever had, and even dwarfs my dreams to an extent.

It is because of this one fear.

This is fear that seems so simple, yet so complex to the point where I sometimes never know how to quite understand it, even if it seems like I do.

I, Rainbow Dash, suffer from autophobia.

I am afraid of myself.

Author's Note:

This was a last minute idea, and it actually wasn't even supposed to be my first story to be published here. But I got this as a last minute idea so I rolled with it.

I haven't written fanfiction in a long time, so be kind if I have some errors or something wrong in the story. Politely leave me a comment about it below.

Thanks for reading!

Comments

[Zeyon The Green]

Powerful stuff. Being afraid of yourself seems like a silly fear, but at the same time I think that everyone has a little of that in them at some point or another. The one thing that you see in yourself that can shatter the whole enchilada. Kind of would like to see this idea come out in another fanfic, just to see where it goes from there.

[Rainbooms]

This is a scary, yet great story.
I have never thought about this, and you make a good point.
I'll be watching you for more stuff like this.

[pokeking95]

I will admit, the first person kind of threw me off at first for some reason, but overall the story was short, simple, easy-to-read, and, most importantly, powerful. I love seeing these different sides to the characters of the show, and I think you really drive home the idea that Rainbow Dash is insecure and uncertain of herself, merely putting up a brave and strong facade. You showcase that perfectly in this quick little read. Good job.

[IceQB]

I am afraid of myself.

If it weren't for this line, I was just about to quote OOC! But nooope. This changed everything. Well done. :)

[Rainbow87dash]

Deep

Autophobia is also the fear of being alone

[marley]

Good story. I explore Dash's personality too in my own way in another fic. Pokeking95 hit it on the head I think with saying Dash is actually insecure. I call it hiding behind a wall of bravado. Anyway, good job.

[Metool Bard]

Hey, Dashie. Look at me for a sec.

What exactly is it about yourself that scares you? That you're not as strong as ponies think you are? That's nonsense. One, you're plenty strong. Your pride may get in the way sometimes, but you don't leave anypony behind. And what's more, you've grown. The Rainbow Dash who got cold feet before the Best Young Flyer competition is not the same Rainbow Dash who stood up to Lightning Dust.

Two, so what if you're not that strong? Your friends wouldn't give a flying feather if they knew you had this softer side. Heck, showing sensitivity isn't a sign of weakness. You still read Daring Do, don't you? You still show compassion to Fluttershy, Scootaloo, and Tank, right? So why not open up a little bit more? If anything, your friends will appreciate the honesty.

A wise pony once said that everypony has fears, and they all have ways of facing them. But they must be faced, or else the nightmares will continue. Your protégé Scootaloo took that to heart. Maybe you should, too. *pats RD on the back*

That basically sums up my feelings about this story. That and the fact that Dashie was accepted into the Wonderbolt Academy, and even became a lead pony. So, yeah.

[BigBadBari21]

BRILLIANT!!! I found you off of MLP forms by the way. I have the same user here too.

[The DJ Rainbow Dash]

2638454 You know, you gave me a possible idea of writing a similar first person story with Twilight or somebody responding to these thoughts Rainbow has. I just might have to write that now

[Flying-Claw]

WOAH! Unbelievable awesome story. Nothing more to say. Oh, yes, one thing: Sequel, please !

[LeopardCay]

Me like...

[Bookish Delight]

So this is going to sound snippy, even though it's really not.

I'd love to see this as a story.

As this currently stands, it's a good blueprint. But it's also first-person navel-gazing that doesn't come off as anything but unbelievable (and OOC for Dash). There's no situation, there's no conflict, there's nothing here that allows us to discover Dash's inner pain for ourselves because it's all just laid bare here for us in TMI-levels of detail.

Think back to that one scene in "The Mysterious Mare Do Well." The "I hate being alone" scene. That was hinting at something big -- just before backing away from it as quickly as possible, but it was still powerful stuff, and the framework around it was solid as well because it still provided a situation for Dash's hangup to come out and be shown to us naturally.

There's golden stuff in this, but right now, it's not a story. Just the promise of one of the greatest Dash character pieces ever if you decide to do something with it.

I really hope you do. Good writing to you!

[The DJ Rainbow Dash]

3062944 I never did think about expanding this into a full fledged story, but the fact that you see a story like that within this is intriguing.

I'll have to admit, you got me interested in doing a story based on this. It probably won't happen for awhile, but I have ideas for what I could with it.

If I decide to make this a full story, I'll definitely let you know.

[Bookish Delight]

3075253
So glad to hear you have ideas in mind! The great thing about writing is that there's no rush. Definitely let me know if anything comes of it.

(Also, looking at your other stories -- just as a thought? "Autophobia" is very much a Twilight word... )

[Raidah]

I couldn't help but think about how much this perfectly describes how I feel on the inside...

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

Wow, this was quite the story. I am unbelievably impressed with how this was written and the idea you used. Short and simple, deep and powerful, that is all I can say about this one.

[Twilight-the-Pony]

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[Psitally]

3075253 I second Bookish Delight on this one. I was almost disappointed when i saw it was a one-shot(still loved it though!) you could make a whole story about this and use this as a general plot-outline.

[Genocide Games]

Is it me or is this strangely reminiscent of Rocket to Insanity, this would probably happen after the alternate ending where pinkie survives, and it did read out like she is talking to twilight as a Psychiatrist.

[Easy breezey]

MOMMY!!! I understand how you feel I sometimes suffer from this as well never told my dad or mom...

[TheMareWhoSaysNi]

Wow! It really feels like we're inside Dashie's mind. Definitely a very good read. Excellent work

(I've translated your story in French for my blog, would you accept that I publish it? Thanks in advance )