- Member Since 24th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen 14 hours ago
JakeAndDollars
Mission Objectives; Classified. This account belongs to two people, specify who you're talking to please.
JakeAndDollars
Joined 24th Jul, 2012 ·
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Sounds interesting.....will read later
Skimmed through it because pressed for time, but from what I've seen, you've got a good thing going here. Your A/N mentioned an editor, but I'd like to point out that this would be a lot easier to read with spaces between the paragraphs. You can keep the indents (I do that myself), but here, everything looks smashed together and it's hard to read.
Furthermore, you should work on giving the reader a visual aid for when you're in the flashbacks (or just making clearer when you enter one). The very first transition from present to memory seemed nonexistent and really did leave me trying to figure out what was going on for a few minutes. It messes with the reader's immersion so I'd really look into it.
Lastly, the grammar is good overall, but there are problems with commas. It happens to be the thing proofers miss the most and I'm certainly not perfect on it myself. But you might want to do a second sweep for direct address commas and commas in appropriate places during dialogue.
I'm very pleased with this story so far. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
2533528 Editor here, thanks for letting me know what I need to work on. Trust me this chapter was about as pretty as a trainwreck before I started. It took me about five hours to edit all of it and I got a little lazy around 4 am. xD
And in regards to the flashbacks, the author wanted it to be confusing. I warned him against it but this is his story, I just give him ideas and make sure you guys can read it without wanting to kick a puppy.
.deeF
interesting story i can not wait for more.... i can honestly say this is a very underrated story. keep up the good work.
4959488 why thank you! As you may have noticed we dont get much feedback. It helps!
Dollars.
Is it physically possible for you to end a chapter without a cliffhanger?
5133916 Probably not...
~Dollars.
I just know that if she kills him that discord will die in peace and M will take over somepony else. I kind of want Celestia to kill Discord so that he can be freed.
Poor discord
does m have a full name?
5135350 First off, thanks for the comments. Secondly, to answer your question, yes he does. In fact, its already been disclosed but the big reveal is coming up in just a few more chapters. In fact, a lot of important things will be happening over the next couple of installments...
Thanks for reading! ~Dollars.
P.S. Love the pic.
Snicker ;)
~Dollars.
“The look on Church’s face when he reads this, priceless.”
Well played sir, well played. You have finally gotten my tears of laughter.
I would think that m and his followers would brag about discord being nothing but a puppet/meat bag
Currently undergoing revisions and expansions. New version coming soon.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8490355
Every OC is voiced by Morgan Freeman. There is no one better for any role!
8491223
Well, can't argue with that logic. I'll just tell the rest of the cast to go home then...
~Dollars
8490355
Well for starters, thanks for the question.
I'll admit that I've gone around the block a few times on this one, kinda seems to be my thing....
For my version of Star Swirl I'm kinda leaning towards the cliche, picking the best wizard voice I know. Ian Mckellan as Gandalf.
Tillook is lightly based off of Randal from Monsters Inc, voiced by Steve Buscemi. He has a very good blend of snarky sarcasm and wit that fits very well, as well as sharing some of his movement mannerisms.
For Obsidian Black I was thinking something along the lines of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, they have many similarity's...
Again, probably going with cliche actor here but for Malevolence, Christopher Lee is who I keep coming back to.
Those are most of the main O.C.s, let me know who else you wanted.
Thanks again! ~Dollars.