When an ancient evil awakens, will two sisters have the skills to stop their parent's oldest enemy? Can the power of friendship overcome the fury of hate? Will an old mentor return to fulfil an oath even if it means making the ultimate sacrifice
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Sounds interesting.....will read later
Skimmed through it because pressed for time, but from what I've seen, you've got a good thing going here. Your A/N mentioned an editor, but I'd like to point out that this would be a lot easier to read with spaces between the paragraphs. You can keep the indents (I do that myself), but here, everything looks smashed together and it's hard to read.
Furthermore, you should work on giving the reader a visual aid for when you're in the flashbacks (or just making clearer when you enter one). The very first transition from present to memory seemed nonexistent and really did leave me trying to figure out what was going on for a few minutes. It messes with the reader's immersion so I'd really look into it.
Lastly, the grammar is good overall, but there are problems with commas. It happens to be the thing proofers miss the most and I'm certainly not perfect on it myself. But you might want to do a second sweep for direct address commas and commas in appropriate places during dialogue.
I'm very pleased with this story so far. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
2533528 Editor here, thanks for letting me know what I need to work on. Trust me this chapter was about as pretty as a trainwreck before I started. It took me about five hours to edit all of it and I got a little lazy around 4 am. xD
And in regards to the flashbacks, the author wanted it to be confusing. I warned him against it but this is his story, I just give him ideas and make sure you guys can read it without wanting to kick a puppy.