• Member Since 29th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen May 26th, 2018

Mai Oates


T
Source

Twilight told me a story of a Phantom Pony: "She was said to have the most beautiful voice. So beautiful, it could make anypony smile" A voice that could make anypony smile? How could I not find her? But now I'm here and... I don't understand... It's getting darker, and Luna hasn't brought up the moon... Whats going on?!
Please if you choose to comment, no profanity or inappropriate comments of any kind, or it will be deleted. Thanks!
Creepypasta Oneshot
WARNING:
This is a scary story. If creepypasta keeps you up at night, I suggest leaving now.
WARNING:
ALL TROLLS WILL BE LOVED AND TOLERATED.
[img]http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a331/brittmcgee/MLP%20Minecraft/TLSOA_zps2aa17c49.png[/img]

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 62 )

Nice story, but Pinkie "giggle at the ghostly" Pie as the victim?
I don't think so. :pinkiehappy:

I'm sorry, was this supposed to scare me? *yawn*
Nice try but I don't scare easy. Oh well. Time for bed! Goodnight!

I must know what happens next don't reply just write(or type)

2550453
To each his own. :pinkiesmile:

Nice story, definitely one of the better pastas I've read

2543570
Did I ever say she was killed? no....:pinkiecrazy:

2557586
Who said anything about killing? You can be a victim ... in a tickle-fight. :rainbowlaugh:
I bet that's why the phantom pony is smiling: Everypony loves tickles.

2557966
I'm sure. :ajbemused: And now my story has lost half the creepypasta respect it had.

2620534
lol, your profile.
Marcher::pinkiecrazy:
Magic Fez::facehoof:
Soooooooo... Didja like it?!:pinkiehappy:

Interesting fic. Not a huge fan of the first person thing but you made it work. Formatting was a bit weird but still readable. I'm not a creappy fic guy and this one freaked me out a little (actually it reminds me Slender). Either way I like it and I'll be adding it to some folders in Twilight's Library.

Awesome story, thanks for posting it in my group
:pinkiehappy:

2713364
Thanks! I'm glad you like it! It's nice to know that someone is comparing it to other pastas! And Twilights Library! You have made my day!:pinkiehappy:

2715060
Glad you like it! And your welcome for adding to your group! ( I love pastas!) :pinkiehappy:

Very good! I applaud your work, even if I wasn't scared in any way by it, but because it is quite lurid, imaginative and ultimately fascinating. I found I was wishing for more to read grew sorrowful that it ended so quickly. Nice maintenance of mystery as well, it allows us to come to our own conclusions of what this mysterious phantom is, and what it's purpose might be, which makes the whole thing a little more eerie than it would be if you went with something conventional.

Asides from the language occasionally being a little repetitive, and it not being terribly long (which can be taken as both a good and bad thing) the story holds out quite well.

8/10 I say! a good first attempt at dark fiction, I can't wait to see more along the same lines, or at least more dark things from yourself.

Best wishes from the cosmic infinity of human consciousness!
Eldritchspires

Pfff, I was gonna troll, but if you donĀ“t get annoyed by it... then is not worth it D:<

Sight... Ok, I gonna read it and will say what I think of it.

Great story, but for me, it's not the creepy that keeps me up, it's the questions. And you, sir/madam have provided plenty of those.

For instance, where did the fresh blood for that last note come from? Was there another victim very recently? Also, why did the Phantom keep switching between the three pony types? Is there perhaps a group of ponies dedicated to keeping the legend alive? Or just multiple phantoms? Is it a trick used to psyche out the victim?

Well done, you have earned my favorite and upvote.

Write on,
Legion

2725510
Thank you! I am pretty new to this dark story writing thing, but I'm so glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy: I think I'll go read some of your stories now!
keep smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2726333
You pose some interesting questions my friend...:trixieshiftright: Ones that might be answered....:duck: Anyway, thanks for such a nice comment!
Keep smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2725959
Nice to see I'm changing some people for the better!:pinkiehappy:

2729992

Heh, I wouldn't mate, the main one is quite long and wordy, I feel its not a fair exchange. Not to mention the fact that it is written in the style of the great HP Lovecraft itself, so unless you are familiar with the source material it could be quite a heavy story to have a go at. Still thanks for taking the time to have a go I suppose!

EldritchSpires

Hmmm, the story is not bad, and I know the song that you used (Come little children).

It is not bad, but if you want to scare someone, you will have to try harder.

2731143
Well, it is my first attempt, but I'm glad you like it!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2730449
Hmm... HP Lovecraft... He's a Edgar Allen Poe type of guy, right? Or am I getting him confused with someone else...?:unsuresweetie: Well, all I know is that HP Lovecraft is a good writer, so I think I'll have a go at one of your stories if you don't mind!:pinkiesmile:

2729997
I try.:twilightsmile:
But good questions come from a good story. If this story were't great, I would not have had any good questions to pose.

...
Wait...:rainbowhuh:

Ones that might be answered....

Then, this will be continued? :pinkiehappy: (actually, Pinkie probably isn't very happy, is she? You know, what with the whole Phantom chasing her thing...)

Write on,
Legion

2731719
I don't know, I probably won't continue it. Not enough people are interested.:pinkiesad2: Tell you what though, if you can spread my story around and get about... say... 30+ upvotes and.... 250+ views, I might consider a sequel. And no, Pinkie Pie will not be happy. She'll probably take away my Bronyship member card if I put her through much more.
NOOOOOO! GIVE BACK MY BRONINESS!
(Er...pegasisterness I s'pose...)

2732293
But, I'm one of those guys that no one pays any mind to. It doesn't matter what I say, because no one will see it, anyway. :pinkiesad:

2732326
First step is getting an awesomely amazing avatar, second is writing a story, and third is putting it in 9000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 groups and then POOF! You are famous.:pinkiehappy:
(Also...ponyface fail...?)

2732369
Working on the avatar, the story's giving me more trouble than I had expected, I don't want to be a group spammer, and yes, apparently my ponyface failed.

Write on,
Legion

2732390
You can't really be a group spammer, if it's open to the public, then you're technically allowed to put it wherever you want. But if you really feel uncomfortable doing that, I'd be happy to put your story in several groups!:pinkiesmile: btw, what's your story about?

2732457
I appreciate the offer. Now I just have to figure the storyline out and write the thing.

Wish me luck...

Write on,
Legion

2732472
Good luck! Can't wait to read it when it's done!
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

Thoughts before reading
The idea is interesting, but the word count appears lacking. Then again, it's a creepypasta, so that's not too irregular.

Thoughts after reading
This story is a little difficult to compare to a regular story.

For example, there is a crushing lack of an introduction. There's no description of the characters or scenery--it was several paragraphs before it said that Pinkie was in a forest (which could be inferred, but description would be nice). Of course, it's a creepypasta, so a lack of description may have been your goal. Ultimately, however, I was not engrossed in the story, so it was not particularly frightening.

Adapting "Come Little Children" has mixed effects. If you know the source material it instantly loses the creepy vibe. I personally would much rather a completely original piece, but I can see why that would be difficult. My recommendation would be to describe what Pinkie is doing between the lines -- it would raise suspense and speed up the pacing, both of which could benefit this story.

A chill rode up my spine and I pulled Gummy close to me. I have to leave now, I told myself. But-- oh no! I stood up quickly and frantically glanced around.

"Oh no...." I whispered, "I'm...lost..."

This part doesn't read fluidly. Maybe it's the ordering, but Pinkie's actions seem artificial. I think it'd be better if you said something along the lines of:

A chill rode up my spine and I pulled Gummy close to me. I have to leave now, I told myself. But-- oh no! I stood up quickly and frantically glanced around.

I was lost.

There's a sense of finality within those three words, and it also helps pull us further within the story.

bending the branches around like they were bones

This simile is awkward. Bones don't bend easily.

She constantly switched between an earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn.

I think you were trying to add some detail into the Phantom Pony while retaining the mystery, but I find that this sentence held no actual use within the story. My question is more "Why is this mentioned?" than "Why is she doing that?"

The ending was nice. The abruptness was a good way to end the story.



It's alright for a first try, but it wasn't really scary, and some parts of it were awkward/could be improved.
Good luck on your future stories!

2772666
Thanks! Nice to have a good long review to read through.I think I'll go back and fix a few of those things you talked about. It was my first attempt at a creepypasta, so it's not my best work. I'd really appreciate it if you read my second story, Strawberry Jam on a Butter Knife, but you don't have to. Thanks for not sugar coating and giving me what you really thought of the story. Hope you enjoyed it!
Keep Smiling
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2773319

I have a large read later list, but I'll see what I can do! :twilightsmile:
Anyways, the thanks goes to "The Group That Is Pretty Much Every Other Group Combined" where I discovered your story.

Have a nice day!

2773978
You too!
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

good story you have a favorite and a follower

2781849
D'aaaaaaw! thanks!:pinkiesmile:
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2773978i too have a large read later list..136 and counting. THIS STORY IS OBVIOUSLY ON THE LIST :pinkiehappy:

3011561
3011551
:rainbowkiss: Thank you so much!!

3011611
Yeah! *brohoof*

3011627
I think I will...:trollestia:

3011651
Off you pop then! Work to be done! And me, I think I'll draw Derpy and the Doctor Steampunk Style! Sugar, away! *flys off as an earth pony*

:twilightoops: I don't remember approving this...

Me: It's because it's NOT on your library!

:twilightoops: ...

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