• Published 6th May 2013
  • 1,375 Views, 62 Comments

Phantom Song - Mai Oates



Pinkie Pie finds the mysterious Phantom Pony.

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Phantom Song

The sky was growing dark as night crept along the edge of the horizon. I almost wish I had left earlier since Twilight wasn't sure when the Phantom Pony slept. She knew many things, but nopony knew that. Then, as if on cue, I heard the beautiful singing again. I set my lantern carefully on the ground and turned to my pet.

"There Gummy!" I shouted, "There it is!" Gummy blinked, his eyes making little squishy sounds. I giggled: he could be so cute sometimes!

"Hello?" I looked, calling out into the night. A sudden gust of wind nearly blew out the only light I had.

I gasped and placed a hoof in front of it protectively, guarding it from the harsh weather.

"Somepony?" I mumbled, growing worried, "Anypony...?"

I looked over at Gummy, who was still oblivious to pretty much everything around him. Picking up my lantern, I continued on my way, following the soft singing which was growing stronger by the second. Abruptly, the melody ceased as something shifted behind the trees. I whirled around, trying desperately to find the source of the mysterious noise.

"Are you there?" I asked, surprised at the smallness of my own voice. Nopony answered. I took slow careful steps and kept my head lower to the ground. My panic showed through my knocking knees and I hoped I would not be found.

------------------------------------------

I came upon a clearing, after wandering aimlessly for at least an hour. My panic was rising rising, but I couldn't seem to tear myself away from my quest. I just had to find that voice...

I looked around for a sign of somepony having been here recently, but there were no hoof-prints. However, turning my gaze to the trees I saw an interesting carving. Once I got close enough to read it, I wished I hadn't. Scrawled messily across several thin trees were the words:

DON'T LISTEN TO HER SINGING.

The words left me shaking, but I was almost too distracted by the large crimson stain at the base of the tree that held the last letter. I clasped a hoof over my mouth, sitting down hard the rain-softened ground. Had the Phantom Pony done this? My thoughts were interrupted by the now suddenly sounding voice of the Phantom Pony. For hours she had just been singing simple notes. There had been no meaning, no words. Now her lyrics were quite clear:

"Come Little Pony
I'll Take Thee Away, Into A Land
Of Enchantment
Come Little Pony
The Time's Come To Play
Here In The Everfree Forest
Follow Sweet Pony
I'll Show Thee The Way
Through All The Pain And
The Sorrows
Weep Not Poor Pony
For Life Is This Way
Murdering Beauty And
Passions
Hush Now Dear Pony
It Must Be This Way
Too Weary Of Life And
Deceptions
Rest Now My Pony
For Soon We'll Away
into The Calm And
The Quiet
Come Little Pony
I'll Take Thee Away, Into A Land
Of Enchantment
Come Little Pony
The Time's Come To Play
Here In The Everfree Forest"

A chill rode up my spine and I pulled Gummy close to me. I have to leave now, I told myself. But-- oh no! I stood up quickly and frantically glanced around.

I was lost.

------------------------------------------

My hooves beat heavily on the ground. The sky had turned black long ago, but the stars and moon refused to appear. The Phantom Pony couldn't have taken away these symbols of the night...could she? I shook my head that was Luna's job. Then again, if the moon hadn't appeared yet...something might be wrong in Canterlot! I panicked, thinking of the catastrophe that might be arising while I wandered in this massive forest. However my thoughts were interrupted by the metallic stench of blood. I looked up to see large rust red lettering scribbled across more trees:

SHE TOOK THE MOON

A tear slipped down my cheek and I felt hysteria rising up my throat. I let out a loud sob and collapsed to the ground. I thought about how it was completely possible that I would never leave this forest. My final message would be left on the trees for other ponies to see, ones who dare try to enter the woods of the Phantom Pony. Before I could worry anymore, a low gravely voice spoke, as though it had not made a peep in thousands of years.

"It's..my..forest...." I turned around slowly, afraid of what I might find. Behind was written yet another message. This one still in blood, but impossibly fresh:

How do you think the forest takes care of itself?

I backed away nervously as the pony who I had been longing to find finally stepped out of the shadows. The first thing I noticed was her head; It was covered completely by a mask-like helmet. The face of a deer carved meticulously in the wood. Where the mask ended, long branches flowed, forming some kind of mane. Her tail slightly resembled this mane, except the branches grew right out of her body. Her coat was pale white, with no markings at all apart from her cutie mark. I could never be sure, but I think it was meant to have been a musical note. It was so worn off her flank however, it could have been anything at all.

She flicked her tail; bending the branches around like they were part of her. Her unnerving gaze was fixed on me, the red painted eyes seeming very real.The Phantom Pony froze and continued to stare at me. In the blink of an eye, her mask came to life in a crude display before me. Every bit of her twitching like a real pony would. Her red eyes blinked and flicked between Gummy and me. But the worst of all was the eerie smile spread across her wooden face. Slowly she pursed her lips and emitted a long shhhhhhhhhh...

I spun around and galloped away, my hooves hitting the ground so hard I felt numb.The night encased me in darkness, giving me a deeper sense of vertigo. More and more messages appeared all around me, some were pictures and others were in blood, but I could only read one:

SHE'LL TURN OUT THE LIGHTS

I looked down at my lantern in new found horror. It could go out any second, and I'd never find my way back. I would be taken and tortured, just like everypony else.

"NO!" I screamed, banishing my morbid thoughts, "I'll find a way out!"

I squinted my eyes and plunged forward, Gummy clinging to my back. Darkness closed around me. My lantern was a beacon, as all other lights had disappeared. The moon still had not risen and not a single star was up in the sky. The Phantom Pony tried to catch me still, her horrid smiling face appeared almost everywhere. Except it was strange: I saw a long branch-like horn extending out of her forehead one time, and then it was gone. She constantly switched between an earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn. Coming upon another clearing, I stopped, completely out of breath.Gummy slid off my back and I held him. Carefully I looked up. Two words were written on a massive tree before me:

Lights Out

I looked down at my lantern, and watched in terror as the last light in Equestria, the only hope I had left, slowly flickered out.

Comments ( 62 )

Nice story, but Pinkie "giggle at the ghostly" Pie as the victim?
I don't think so. :pinkiehappy:

I'm sorry, was this supposed to scare me? *yawn*
Nice try but I don't scare easy. Oh well. Time for bed! Goodnight!

I must know what happens next don't reply just write(or type)

2550453
To each his own. :pinkiesmile:

Nice story, definitely one of the better pastas I've read

2543570
Did I ever say she was killed? no....:pinkiecrazy:

2557586
Who said anything about killing? You can be a victim ... in a tickle-fight. :rainbowlaugh:
I bet that's why the phantom pony is smiling: Everypony loves tickles.

2557966
I'm sure. :ajbemused: And now my story has lost half the creepypasta respect it had.

2620534
lol, your profile.
Marcher::pinkiecrazy:
Magic Fez::facehoof:
Soooooooo... Didja like it?!:pinkiehappy:

Interesting fic. Not a huge fan of the first person thing but you made it work. Formatting was a bit weird but still readable. I'm not a creappy fic guy and this one freaked me out a little (actually it reminds me Slender). Either way I like it and I'll be adding it to some folders in Twilight's Library.

Awesome story, thanks for posting it in my group
:pinkiehappy:

2713364
Thanks! I'm glad you like it! It's nice to know that someone is comparing it to other pastas! And Twilights Library! You have made my day!:pinkiehappy:

2715060
Glad you like it! And your welcome for adding to your group! ( I love pastas!) :pinkiehappy:

Very good! I applaud your work, even if I wasn't scared in any way by it, but because it is quite lurid, imaginative and ultimately fascinating. I found I was wishing for more to read grew sorrowful that it ended so quickly. Nice maintenance of mystery as well, it allows us to come to our own conclusions of what this mysterious phantom is, and what it's purpose might be, which makes the whole thing a little more eerie than it would be if you went with something conventional.

Asides from the language occasionally being a little repetitive, and it not being terribly long (which can be taken as both a good and bad thing) the story holds out quite well.

8/10 I say! a good first attempt at dark fiction, I can't wait to see more along the same lines, or at least more dark things from yourself.

Best wishes from the cosmic infinity of human consciousness!
Eldritchspires

Pfff, I was gonna troll, but if you don´t get annoyed by it... then is not worth it D:<

Sight... Ok, I gonna read it and will say what I think of it.

Great story, but for me, it's not the creepy that keeps me up, it's the questions. And you, sir/madam have provided plenty of those.

For instance, where did the fresh blood for that last note come from? Was there another victim very recently? Also, why did the Phantom keep switching between the three pony types? Is there perhaps a group of ponies dedicated to keeping the legend alive? Or just multiple phantoms? Is it a trick used to psyche out the victim?

Well done, you have earned my favorite and upvote.

Write on,
Legion

2725510
Thank you! I am pretty new to this dark story writing thing, but I'm so glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy: I think I'll go read some of your stories now!
keep smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2726333
You pose some interesting questions my friend...:trixieshiftright: Ones that might be answered....:duck: Anyway, thanks for such a nice comment!
Keep smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2725959
Nice to see I'm changing some people for the better!:pinkiehappy:

2729992

Heh, I wouldn't mate, the main one is quite long and wordy, I feel its not a fair exchange. Not to mention the fact that it is written in the style of the great HP Lovecraft itself, so unless you are familiar with the source material it could be quite a heavy story to have a go at. Still thanks for taking the time to have a go I suppose!

EldritchSpires

Hmmm, the story is not bad, and I know the song that you used (Come little children).

It is not bad, but if you want to scare someone, you will have to try harder.

2731143
Well, it is my first attempt, but I'm glad you like it!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2730449
Hmm... HP Lovecraft... He's a Edgar Allen Poe type of guy, right? Or am I getting him confused with someone else...?:unsuresweetie: Well, all I know is that HP Lovecraft is a good writer, so I think I'll have a go at one of your stories if you don't mind!:pinkiesmile:

2729997
I try.:twilightsmile:
But good questions come from a good story. If this story were't great, I would not have had any good questions to pose.

...
Wait...:rainbowhuh:

Ones that might be answered....

Then, this will be continued? :pinkiehappy: (actually, Pinkie probably isn't very happy, is she? You know, what with the whole Phantom chasing her thing...)

Write on,
Legion

2731719
I don't know, I probably won't continue it. Not enough people are interested.:pinkiesad2: Tell you what though, if you can spread my story around and get about... say... 30+ upvotes and.... 250+ views, I might consider a sequel. And no, Pinkie Pie will not be happy. She'll probably take away my Bronyship member card if I put her through much more.
NOOOOOO! GIVE BACK MY BRONINESS!
(Er...pegasisterness I s'pose...)

2732293
But, I'm one of those guys that no one pays any mind to. It doesn't matter what I say, because no one will see it, anyway. :pinkiesad:

2732326
First step is getting an awesomely amazing avatar, second is writing a story, and third is putting it in 9000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 groups and then POOF! You are famous.:pinkiehappy:
(Also...ponyface fail...?)

2732369
Working on the avatar, the story's giving me more trouble than I had expected, I don't want to be a group spammer, and yes, apparently my ponyface failed.

Write on,
Legion

2732390
You can't really be a group spammer, if it's open to the public, then you're technically allowed to put it wherever you want. But if you really feel uncomfortable doing that, I'd be happy to put your story in several groups!:pinkiesmile: btw, what's your story about?

2732457
I appreciate the offer. Now I just have to figure the storyline out and write the thing.

Wish me luck...

Write on,
Legion

2732472
Good luck! Can't wait to read it when it's done!
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

Thoughts before reading
The idea is interesting, but the word count appears lacking. Then again, it's a creepypasta, so that's not too irregular.

Thoughts after reading
This story is a little difficult to compare to a regular story.

For example, there is a crushing lack of an introduction. There's no description of the characters or scenery--it was several paragraphs before it said that Pinkie was in a forest (which could be inferred, but description would be nice). Of course, it's a creepypasta, so a lack of description may have been your goal. Ultimately, however, I was not engrossed in the story, so it was not particularly frightening.

Adapting "Come Little Children" has mixed effects. If you know the source material it instantly loses the creepy vibe. I personally would much rather a completely original piece, but I can see why that would be difficult. My recommendation would be to describe what Pinkie is doing between the lines -- it would raise suspense and speed up the pacing, both of which could benefit this story.

A chill rode up my spine and I pulled Gummy close to me. I have to leave now, I told myself. But-- oh no! I stood up quickly and frantically glanced around.

"Oh no...." I whispered, "I'm...lost..."

This part doesn't read fluidly. Maybe it's the ordering, but Pinkie's actions seem artificial. I think it'd be better if you said something along the lines of:

A chill rode up my spine and I pulled Gummy close to me. I have to leave now, I told myself. But-- oh no! I stood up quickly and frantically glanced around.

I was lost.

There's a sense of finality within those three words, and it also helps pull us further within the story.

bending the branches around like they were bones

This simile is awkward. Bones don't bend easily.

She constantly switched between an earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn.

I think you were trying to add some detail into the Phantom Pony while retaining the mystery, but I find that this sentence held no actual use within the story. My question is more "Why is this mentioned?" than "Why is she doing that?"

The ending was nice. The abruptness was a good way to end the story.



It's alright for a first try, but it wasn't really scary, and some parts of it were awkward/could be improved.
Good luck on your future stories!

2772666
Thanks! Nice to have a good long review to read through.I think I'll go back and fix a few of those things you talked about. It was my first attempt at a creepypasta, so it's not my best work. I'd really appreciate it if you read my second story, Strawberry Jam on a Butter Knife, but you don't have to. Thanks for not sugar coating and giving me what you really thought of the story. Hope you enjoyed it!
Keep Smiling
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2773319

I have a large read later list, but I'll see what I can do! :twilightsmile:
Anyways, the thanks goes to "The Group That Is Pretty Much Every Other Group Combined" where I discovered your story.

Have a nice day!

2773978
You too!
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

good story you have a favorite and a follower

2781849
D'aaaaaaw! thanks!:pinkiesmile:
Keep Smiling!
-SS:pinkiehappy:

2773978i too have a large read later list..136 and counting. THIS STORY IS OBVIOUSLY ON THE LIST :pinkiehappy:

3011561
3011551
:rainbowkiss: Thank you so much!!

3011611
Yeah! *brohoof*

3011627
I think I will...:trollestia:

3011651
Off you pop then! Work to be done! And me, I think I'll draw Derpy and the Doctor Steampunk Style! Sugar, away! *flys off as an earth pony*

:twilightoops: I don't remember approving this...

Me: It's because it's NOT on your library!

:twilightoops: ...

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