Three unrelated things

1.

Here's something that might help you authors with your future writing projects — I discovered on Sunday that the back seat of a police cruiser is a LOT less comfortable than you'd assume.

… Okay, you got me: I wasn't actually in the back seat of a police cruiser. (Hi mom you can stop hyperventilating now)

I was in the driver's seat.

Which is, admittedly, just as strange in the other direction. I feel obligated to say something like "If I told College Horizon that, he'd look at me like I was crazy" — though he'd probably have guessed I grew up to become the park ranger that Teenage Horizon once upon a time dreamed of being (before realizing rangers are primarily law enforcers, not outdoorspeople). And he wouldn't have been far wrong. I've been volunteering with the local sheriff's department's Search & Rescue team for about a year now; I was training at a SAR event where we were practicing fire evacuations, and they wanted us interacting with the public from law enforcement vehicles rather than trying to look official from private vehicles, so I got handed a set of keys to an off-duty officer's patrol SUV.

As for why the back seat of police cruisers is so uncomfortable? That's where the cops put the people they arrest. Which means that they have to surround them with a giant cage of iron slabs and bulletproof glass — and since the vehicles are built on a normal chassis, the room for all that detainee-proofing has to come from somewhere. The most natural place for that somewhere is the back seat's legroom. So the back seat of the car I was driving had literally about nine inches of leg space before a solid wall. If I had been in the back seat, with size 14 shoes and a 6-foot-plus frame, I basically couldn't have fit inside without jamming my knees up to my nose.

2.

Adventure Clyde is back! And — perhaps not coincidentally — my Adventure Clyde story has a new audio reading! Production quality is through the roof, with a number of hilarious voice effects carrying written-word jokes over to the spoken medium in ways I would have sworn weren't possible:

Present Perfect deserves some major props for this one.

3.

Although my stories accumulate too many downvotes to crack the site's Top Stories ranking (my best showing is, as of this writing, just barely in three digits), I've discovered that I am atop the ratings in one particular niche!

Namely, I've authored FIMFiction's best-rated (and most-upvoted!) story which has both the Sci-Fi and Porn tags.

… heck, I'll take my wins where I can get 'em.

Comments

[horizon]

I am not sorry about the shameless clickbait of the first paragraph.

Consider it a meta-blogpost about writing good story hooks via effective framing.

[Ice Star]

3 is surprising tbh

[FamousLastWords]

Congrats, dude! It's all about the small victories.

Before I finished Blonde Moments and it got its expected downvote barrage, it was like the third highest rated Spike romance fic on the site and one of the highest Derpy fics (almost top 100 overall). It feels satisfying, man.

With your writing talent though, you'll hit the top fifty with a story eventually. I guarantee it, broski.

[SPark]

Somehow I have never read Drunk Celestia is in Your Bed. This must be rectified... at some point. When I have time to read.

[Majin Syeekoh]

Eh, I’ve been in the back of a police cruiser. It wasn’t too bad.

[horizon]

4872679
Which part? The barely-cracking-the-top-1000 part or the #1-at-sci-fi-porn part?

4872680
I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I've got just enough of a downvote-happy fanbase (and/or anti-fans) that I can't get a story off of the front page without about 4-6 downvotes, which is enough to make it mathematically impossible short of writing the next My Little Dashie. The "Top Stories" algorithm is abnormally sensitive to downvotes (as anyone can tell you who has ever watched their story float to the top for five seconds before one more person redthumbs them and sends them into triple digits).

And I'm fine with that! In all the other metrics that matter, my stories are off the charts. Administrative Angel, my most recent big hit, is running at something like 1 upvote for every 5 views, which is insane — 1:10 is more typical for even a well-constructed fic. My average story featureboxes and gets great reviews, and I'm trying to think of the last time I got rejected from a curated list [e.g. EQD]. There's a lot of different kinds of success, and I'm happy with the ones I have!

[FamousLastWords]

4872687
That's a good view, man. I'm in the same boat. I just wanted to be the guy who wrote Spike stories that didn't suck and I feel I completed that goal in one way or another.

Keep doing what you do, brother.

[horizon]

4872683
Well, it scored second place in OCalhoun's contest, so it's got that going for it! But I'd say the main draw is the Friendship is Optimal-style deconstruction of AI motivations, so if you're curious how my M-rated fiction turns out, it's probably not the place I'd start. (Smut? This'n's probably better.)

4872685
Was the legroom in yours as bad as the legroom in mine? Inquiring authors want to know!

[Majin Syeekoh]

4872689
It was fine for me, but it was a little tight on recollection.

[Themaskedferret]

4872685 This does not surprise me.

[Majin Syeekoh]

4872693

[Oroboro]

The people want to know, when can we expect your entry into the illustrious Beanis Cinematic Universe?

[horizon]

4872697
The answer is "after Time Enough For Love", because otherwise I'll be murdered in my sleep.

[SPark]

4872689
If I'm recalling correctly, Social Lubricant is actually the first story of yours I read!

[Ice Star]

4872687
Both

[Georg]

4872698 Never! (because you'd never get the darned thing published then)

[Corejo]

I call clickbait on the before-the-break section of your blog, and I now demand a zany, over-the-top romcom starring our hapless shapeshifting hero:

Sirens in the distance, sounds of a tussle, officers shouting. The camera pans alongside a police cruiser from front to back. When the back window comes into view, we see the far door open and someone get shoved in. Freeze frame right as Horizon's face gets squished against the glass.

"So you're probably wondering how I got here..."

[BlazzingInferno]

Getting to drive a police cruiser is an even rarer opportunity than being in the back seat; you can't just beg, borrow, and steal to get that chance

I ran across NadnerbD at EFNW, and spotted a certain piece of cover art. When he saw that I recognized it, he suggested I uh… hug you more until you get that story published. Yes, hug…

[horizon]

4872720
WELL FINE MAN IF YOU INSIST

HORIZON, VOICE-OVER: It all started at the Podunk County Police Officer's Ball, where one of the officers was displaying his collection of priceless original Cubist artwork.

The camera slowly pans past the crowd of uniformed officers, making small talk and eating horse d'ouevres, standing in front of a museum wall with several Picassos and a portrait of a group of blocky Lego-dogs playing cards at a square table, and to the check-in table where a bunch of burly ninjas with PRIVATE SECURITY across their back are checking in a line of guests.

SECURITY NINJA: Okay, Mr. Horizon, I see you here as a Search and Rescue invitee, but I don't see Mrs. Horizon on the guest list.

HORIZON: I'm telling you, I called it in last night.

SECURITY NINJA: If you had, it would be written down.

HORIZON: Look, it's alright, she's my wife. (kisses her cheek, laughs) Isn't that right, honey?

The scene freezes for a moment, lingering on "MRS. HORIZON'S" face. A caption appears:

Chrysalis
The Frenemy

"MRS. HORIZON": (laughs back) Yah, we're so married, we are, by gotcha.

The SECURITY NINJA squints.

SECURITY NINJA: If you're married — (dramatically points to their bare left hands) — where's your wedding rings?

HORIZON and "MRS. HORIZON" gasp, and share a wide-eyed look. The SECURITY NINJAS put their hands on their swords and move in.

HORIZON: I— I— I can explain!

SECURITY NINJA: Try me.

HORIZON: (holding up his right hand) Well, this is MY ring — I wear it here because I'm left-handed. But honey, where's YOURS?

"MRS. HORIZON": I— I was wearing it a moment ago! (She looks around wildly, then gasps and points at a skulking figure walking away from the guest line.) Look! There! THIEF!

The SKULKING FIGURE twists to look back over his shoulder. In one of his hands is the glint of a shiny WEDDING RING.

The scene freezes for a moment, lingering on the figure. A caption appears:

4872696
The Distraction

SYEEKOH: Curses! You have discovered my lawbreaking! (runs)

The SECURITY NINJAS all give chase, vanishing around the corner of the building. The POLICE OFFICERS keep chatting and eating. HORIZON grabs an empty name badge and gives it to CHRYSALIS, who slips away into the crowd.

HORIZON walks over to the picture of the cubic poker dogs, and touches a finger to his ear. He stage-whispers:

HORIZON: We're in.

(TITLE CARD and PRE-CREDITS roll)

It is possible I've been watching a little too much Leverage lately

[Caliaponia]

Such blatant clickbait, we might just have to pull your panel at NextCon. Or give you a panel. One of those things.

[horizon]

4872760
Advertise the uncertainty! It’ll boost attendance as people join to see the outcome!

[hazeyhooves]

and then you took the police cruiser to a car wash, right?

[Socket]

4872689

Inquiring authors want to know?

If there's any kind of barrier between the front seats and the prisoner area, a patrol car will always have terrible legroom.

I was the scrawniest in my class at the police academy, so I was always the one used to demonstrate arrest procedures. Probably got shoved in the back of a cruiser 30 times. Lots of bruised knees.

Newer units usually have the plexiglas (aka the shame cube). Older cars tend towards a metal cage. Cheaper for the taxpayer, but it provides the suspect with a great opportunity to spit on anybody in the front seats.

[Skywriter]

4872728
Where did you find all your awesome?

[Bad Horse]

MFW author complains about downvotes while simultaneously releasing an Adventure Clyde story

Namely, I've authored FIMFiction's best-rated (and most-upvoted!) story which hasboth the Sci-Fi and Porn tags.

Challenge...

... you know what, never mind.

[BatwingCandlewaxxe]

4872685

As have I, under circumstances best left unrecounted. It was decidedly uncomfortable for my 6' frame. Especially since the seats were hard plastic lacking anything remotely resembling padding, and I don't have a whole lot of my own padding.

[Matthewl419]

The back seat of a police cruiser is a LOT more comfortable if you have your hands beyond your back, tbh...

[Icy Shake]

#3 (neither part) really surprises me. But the sci-fi/porn thing revealed there are only 13, which just underlines that sci-fi just doesn't get written that much. Or I guess maybe a bunch of porn never got the tag, what with it being such a recent addition. In any case, congrats on all three, and for not being in the backseat when you didn't want to!

[LostArchivist]

Did NOT need OR want to know #3.

[Cynewulf]

Horizon, does this mean that you're a cop

do I have to throw eggs at you?

Anyway, how was it? How'd it feel? Was it just another car?

And your CelestAI story is still amazing.

[iisaw]

That reading was awesome! I miss Adventure Clyde!

I used to do some SAR work with my old dog back when both of us were young enough to run up and down the mountains. Oddly enough nearly all of the searches we got called out on were lost pets. Never located any lost people... mainly because the ones we were looking for had disappeared on purpose.

[Axis of Rotation]

Don't let the power go to your head!
Well, maybe just a little.

[Themaskedferret]

4872696