Princess Luna orders fun over the phone.
Her appointed call-zebra challenges a cup of coffee, gets involved in a spy intrigue, heroically saves the world from return of eternal night and gets romantically involved with the protagonist of "The Legend of Hay House". Still, in the end Princess Luna gets all the fun she desired and more.
Also, a tome of ancient poetry from Saddle Arabia gets badly damaged. Discretion is advised for people squeamish about graphic descriptions of butchering books.
Ice Pack is (c) Weaver, used with permission.
Proofreading by MrJoshy.
Rated teen for sexual themes, specieist slurs and book mutilation.
Chapters (9)
This is excellent, looking forward to more! :D
I am really starting to hate those fillies... >:(
I can't wait to see how Celestia reacts to Luna being in the slammer. A good thousand years on the moon for those crooked cops perhaps?
Nice story, a little short at times, but overall I liked it. ^^
Commenting! :D
I liked this story. It was a very good read and very thought provoking. Ofcourse it has it's errors, but overall it was a good read.
DA PROS:
- Interesting storyline, I liked how you mixed in different elements which all added to the overall plot efficiently.
- Extracts from some of the books. It must have been hard to write parts of the Yeherebi book, since they were written in rhyme, very well done on that part and was intruiging to read!
- THE VILLAINS. I never liked Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, they are spoiled brats that remind me too much of bullies that I have faced before. This story is no exception, and they actually remind me of a nemesis of mine who tried doing something similar to me, but it was getting me epelled from school...
- Character personalities. These were quite good and the parts where Luna was learning about modern day Equestrian devices and technologies was spot on.
DA CONS:
- The most obious thing is that it felt rushed. Not by a bit, but it was noticeable. I feel that some scenes could be expanded, such as the court scene.
- It was confusing at times when there was no clear portrayal as of who was talking in some scenes, and other descriptive parts could be expanded.
OVERALL:
It was an enjoyable story to read that contained many factors and thoughtful truths. I would gladly read it again.
2496093
Huge thanks for the criticism.
Just to clarify... the court scene wasn't really rushed. It was more of... butchered. I cut a lot from "Day three" - mostly stuff that would push it too far into "Dark/Sad" territory. It seems I cut a bit too much. (as for the court itself - it WAS rushed, the sentence was known before it even started and all the "powers that be" just wanted to be done with the meaningless formality.)
2496889
Ah. Cutting out content can be a very risky business. But the story was still thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless.
I would like it to be know that this is, in all honesty one of the most entertaining and am using stories I have ever read! To whom ever may read this, and to you dear author, I wish you to know I completely, with both physical and spiritual form love this story. I implore you to please, continue this story. Regale us with their mischievous and humorous tales! Make the untold and uncertain know, lived and loved! I bestow unto you, dear author, a challenge. A challenge to continue their tale, spin their lives in a web of words, carry on their legacy. And unto you and all of the readers I wish the merriest of times that we have left and that we may have a better tomorrow.
Hey its me again, and no this won't be the same style of writing as my last one, but I was wondering, as you said you cut the court scene a lot, do you think you could post an uncut version as a bonus at the end of the story? Also I was slightly confused as to what was happening in the last part with the coffee. Was that intended to show that they were merely talking on for hours on end of irrelevant happenings?
2499369
Thanks for the praise, but for now I don't have a sequel planned. I have two entirely different stories in the works (about the princesses, but...!) and I'm unlikely to continue this until these are released.
Now for the last chapter... no, it eventually - rather quickly - devolved into tender hot sex.
It's just that they talked about their long-standing problems, fears, pains, itches, shames, hang-ups, stuff about which they were afraid to talk - and the other would answer with a solution, with a promise of help. The coffee let all that surface, and suddenly there was a solution to all their problems, things that would bite them for years suddenly gets solved with a snap of... umm, with a knock of hooves.
In effect the new blend didn't work by bringing an empty, meaningless bliss. It acted by removing long-standing worries in a meaningful way.
As good as ever, That was a grate short story. I do hope you rite more of them. keep up the good work. You do have a way of introdowsing a lot of info it to the story.
How I wish removing corruption was so doable in the real world. Thare are lots of layers to cut threw to cut out the corruption. and the bad guy can have protection to make it nearly impossible to stop them. I see that so often. How deep is the rot and how much control they have over people in hi positions. In your storys thare is governors that keep the good guys in check and the fax that they are immortal helps keep the government staybol but can leed to stagnation if new blood is not introdoos in the mix from time to time.
Dear sweet Jesus the story of the wizard king I just wasn't expecting that at all!
Why would you do that to me?
2640834
Why, I was tempted to write something that mixes several genres. A romantic comedy novelette bracketing fragments of action thriller novel, a bit of epic poetry, a parable, a song, and a piece of dubstep lyrics. The parable was quite standard... Why?
That was wholly unexpected. When I first started reading this story, I was skeptical at best. Even towards the end, there were still verb-tense-agreement issues, awkward wordings and the like, but I did not expect to be so thoroughly blown away as I was.
First of all, I want to say that the story's execution was strange in that it was powerful in some areas, yet enormously lacking in others. There was a glaring lack of description. The most that was actually described to me was a door, some books on a shelf, a jail cell, and Luna's chocolate bed. Apart from that, the characters were simply left to float in an otherwise analogous blank space. Obviously, the story was passable without much in the way of scenic description, but a good sense of setting can help to anchor down the reader and solve most issues regarding pacing.
In the courtroom scene there was this terrible glossing over of the details. Whether or not it was necessary to abridge certain parts of the trial is debatable, but some things, like the very start of chapter 6 where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were testifying, definitely should have been more fleshed out. Because it was so important to the case, as well as being the first scene of the chapter, writing it out would have helped to establish the mood for the following scenes, just as glossing over the first event makes the subsequent events feel rushed, as well.
Overall, the story could have used more descriptions, something to fill the gaps between now and then so that the readers would have more time immerse themselves in a scene.
But enough of that, it's time to gush about the things I liked.
Characters. When I mentioned the story's execution also being powerful, this is what I was talking about. One of the reasons the lack of setting was a little more acceptable was because you were able to achieve some of the same things through the characters. I absolutely loved how at the end of the last chapter, you managed to capture that nostalgic feeling like watching fireflies, stargazing on a warm summer night, when you could count more lights in the sky than troubles on your mind. Or something like that. The first time Ice Pack met Luna was amazing because of the fact that you integrated the scenery with it: The dark corridors of Canterlot Castle, ancient doors screaming at all who enter, darkness looming over the city, followed by Ice Pack. It was great.
That aside, each character also had a unique voice and the conversations moved so nicely. It's always amazing to me when someone strikes such a nice balance between each character standing out and fitting in. None of it is outrageous or underplayed, it's all just in-character and natural. I really don't know what else to say other than that I loved it. The only thing that bugged me was how Luna kept saying 'kinda'. It seems too contemporary.
Everything related to the court case was surprisingly dramatic. I didn't expect the story to go in that direction at all, but it was pretty badass.
What really impressed me were the excerpts from the books. The style they were written in were so vastly different than the main story, but for what they were, they were great. The story of the wizard king especially got to me. I can't really explain why without coming off as pretentious or taking up even more of your time, but it just did.
All in all, I think the story was pretty amazing. Like, I would legitimately read it again, given the chance. Maybe in a few months, I'll probably get back around to rereading this and enjoying it all over again. And regardless of the fact that this fic is already weeks old by the time I've written this, I hope it helps. Keep on writing.
2644912
Bless you for the detailed critique. For the first time I got someone talk about my "general shortcomings".
I'll certainly try to flesh the descriptions out more. Tenses... still struggling, not a native speaker.
I rewrote the court scene a few times, trimming it each time. Reason: it was making me queasy and wince as if I just ate a lemon. I really wanted to avoid graphic descriptions, and you've gotta admit the villains came out loathsome enough without fleshing out their lies in detail anyway. Besides, the court case was rushed; a kangaroo court, the sentence was written even before the case started, and the judge just wanted to be done with it. Too much detail and that part would be lost. Still, more detail overall would probably be welcome, the next one will have some of it.
Next: I failed my attempts at Luna's language. I really wanted it to be a random hodhe-podge of antique, formal and slang. She was supposed to be learning both modern formal and modern slang but she would confuse them frequently - whenever she wouldn't forget and use ye olde... Still, I utterly suck at antiquated, so I don't think I used it even once, and the informal/slang wasn't fleshed out nearly enough to come out as a normal part of her vocabulary...
Is the king-wizard story original, or based on something else? Either way, it's amazing!
2646022
Totally original; Inspired by "Trurl and the construction of happy worlds" from "The Cyberiad" by Stanislaw Lem - these stories analyzed in detail dangers and futility of forcing happiness upon others. There was a race which enjoyed everything, a masochistic inclination letting them enjoy own suffering, there was a creature built with the purpose of being happy (and failing as soon as it was given a critical thought), and a substance that forced sharing feelings, feel others' pain and pleasure, under faulty assumption that it would lead them to be as kind to each other as only possible. Still, none of them tried this particular angle, always seeing upsides - that one is my own.
2646017
Yeah, I could understand about the court case, and I did get that feeling from it. It's mostly just that I would have liked to see what they could have come up with. As for Luna's antiquated speech, it's easy to fake it by replacing 'you' with 'thee' or 'thou', but it becomes annoying if used improperly. Old English has a few more rules and irregular words than modern English. This is how archaic terms are actually supposed to be used, in chart form:
Modern form Archaic form Usage in a sentence
You Thou Subject "Thou art reading this sentence."
Thee Object "I call to thee, He is looking at thee."
*Your Thine Possessive "I saw thine eyes shining."
Thy "Thy child is playing in the yard."
Yourself Thineself Emphatic form of you "Look upon thineself."
Are Art Verb "Thou art reading this sentence, too."
Aust Question form "Aust thou serious?"
**That Yonder Usually an adjective. "Look over yonder windowsill!"
*Thine is used before words that start with H or a vowel. Thy is used before anything else.
**Yonder refers specifically to something that is far away.
Old English we think of nowadays was probably carried over from the upper classes and from those who could actually read and write. While that means we probably don't know what common Old English sounds like, it's perfect for a royal character like Luna.
Aside from that, nice job writing a story in a language that's not native to you, especially one as weird as English!
2649045
Yes, but that is faking it, and not believably.
You existed and functioned in Early Modern English as a formal, polite, respectful counterpart to thou. That means, that for a native Early Modern English speaker learning contemporary English, that would be the easiest adaptation of them all, just remember to treat everyone with respect. Although, you might argue that of all ponies, the princess might find herself using "you" like that particularly difficult.
2650198
Well, fancy that! I guess because I've mostly heard thee and thine used in a religious context, I assumed that it was meant to be the formal form of you.
Oh Luna, she is so naïve! :D
*kicks legs up in the air and squeals*
Fun!
Note to self:
Never. EVER. Mess. With. Luna.
Nightmares are not cool
You, dear author, make me crack a smile without fail.
Your stories make me feel young. They might be lacking in some 'technical' areas (grammar and other pesky stuff), but I simply don't care. The story just sucks me in, I am completely lost in your tale, stuck on an emotional roller coaster, but not even thinking about getting off. It is genuine, honest - not trying to seem grand or 'deep' - it certainly is not a Fisherpony.
I would love to provide some constructive criticism, but I can't think of anything. Simply too busy enjoying: smiling...or shedding a tear...or suffering the contempt for bullies...
All thanks to you!
Why aren't more people reading this?
It was so hilarious, fun, entertaining....I just couldn't stop reading it from start to finish.
Even the love scene was just sooo...........just right.
Good show.
Thank you.
Excellent story.
I had so much fun reading this. Even if the events are kind of rushed... the pace and the charaters feel so right¡
I had have fun reading the "parts" of yeherebi and now wonder what that book was about... if you allude to "The alchemist" i've to wonder if the other books are also allusions to real books.. .
I enjoyed the scenes in the court ... it give a more solid reason of why Luna and Ice get so close so soon (kinds of reminds me of HP there, with the "there are some things you cant go trough without coming out as friends, like fighting a troll" vibe) It's also FUN (specially Celestia part in that) i can not imagine Celestia or Shinning not getting a kick out of fixing that particular mess. AND that last bit where Luna ask how many years of either insomia or nightmares?
3219907
No, I didn't reference any real book - I referenced multiple genres, in case of Yeherebi: the ancient epic poetry, like the Iliad, the Odyssey, or Ramayama and Mahabharatha - and for the actual subject if you look at the title of the story, it's a play on "The Book of Thousand and One Arabian Nights", an ancient collection of folk tales from Middle East, which are bracketed by one story about how they are told.
So I took different genres and gave them their typical styles, their typical tropes (everyone dies!), and a crutch of a plot never fully realized or defined. Yes, in Yeherebi you can guess the conflict: Emir with two princesses for wives, neither of the two willing, a rebellious rogue in love with one of them, and a magical sword whose power and importance is not fully defined. Nor was defined just how - with whom and on what conditions did the lovers trade the whole city with its citizens for eternity in each other's embrace...
Thanks for the praise and yes, they did have a kick.
Now just one more note: how comes Celestia was ever willing to suggest willingness to accept a bribe. There are people who just don't understand not everything has a price. If you tell them that, they take you for a fool who simply misses the golden opportunity; everything has a price and if you can't name your price, you're not worthy of respect. Celestia realizes that well. There's no point arguing with such people. Just name a price way out of their league. This they can understand, and being totally outclassed business-wise they are totally put in their place.
Gosh. Considering this was involving Ice Pack, a comfort stallion, I wasn't expecting something so incredibly compelling and genre-spanning. Really wish I knew a good place to recommend this to more people.
I do agree that Luna's wording seemed mostly contemporary - it isn't necessarily wrong, considering how she seemed to want to change that part of herself after Nightmare Night, but I was expecting to be able to tell who was speaking based on their phrasing and word choice. Ice Pack might've slipped similarly, but his way of speaking is fairly close to standard already.
Kinda wish that some acknowledgement had been given to how it might actually be pretty silly for the justice system to adhere completely to every little strange law, given how a real criminal could very well waste everyone's time with a bit of legal knowledge. Even the very worst people are still people, and deserve objective examination.
Oh so Awesome!
also i would love to read about the "lots and lots of trouble"
P.S. I didn't quite understand the ending of the Book. Can you clear that up for me?
3945302
To summarize last 1/8 of an epic book?
Well, first Jinai started a rebellion. That way he might earn himself a name that would allow him to be with Eritia.
What happened then is not said, but the effects of the rebellion were far from intended. It would have ended very badly for the two lovers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. What kind of genie or demon did Jinai and Eritia strike a pact with, is not said, but we know the conditions: They asked to be together forever, and the power asked in exchange for Erebi.
And as is common with such powers, it twisted the wish, turning the lovers to stone, and then proceeded, turning the city into inferno. And the two, still aware, but unable to move, witnessed the cost of their wish.
3945464
Ah thanks for telling me