The Four and One Erebi Nights

by RandomBlank

Night One

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Destructive Power of Cliffhangers

Night One
during which Princess Luna learns about some more modern inventions.

Ice Pack was shaking all over. Being picked in the dark of the night from a clearing at the edge of town by a vehicle out of Nightmare Night, full of black spikes and with a big gleaming green eye with vertical slit for a pupil set in its front, pulled by two... creatures chained to it, pony-like creatures, but with bat wings! And in creepy, spiked dark armors! Then the travel at blood-curdling speed, at blood-curdling altitude... And now, following the two through the dark corridors of the castle, climbing the endless wide stairs around the tower, and then the gate, so tall, so heavy, with ancient symbols embossed in it. The monstrous guards stepped to the sides and stood guard in front of the gate. He was supposed to enter.

His legs shook all over. For the first time in so many years he did feel performance anxiety. He swallowed hard and pushed the gate. It opened with ear-shattering creak.

⁂

I must get some servant to oil the hinges at last, thought Luna, wincing at the horrible noise. She could bet they weren’t oiled in past thousand years.

A zebra stepped in. A rather cute, short male zebra with ears lying flat against his neck and a fancy, wide brass necklace with multiple small pendants hanging from it on his neck. Though “stepped in” is saying too much. He more like crawled in, or snuck in, trying to seem invisible. He noticed her and threw her... something. Something toothy. Like, a smile except that it wasn’t a smile. Well, maybe the intention was for it to be a smile but it looked like a constipated push effort.

So, they sent me a zebra mime. That’s... rather classy. And the act he’s putting is quite good.

The zebra froze in place with that toothy thing on his mouth (no, calling it “expression” would be like calling broccoli “fruit”).

“Please, do continue.” Luna sent a charming smile.

He blinked twice, then began staring at her. with plate-sized eyes.

“Umm... do I have something on my face?”

His hind legs decided to take a step towards her, but his front legs were still inert, which resulted in him falling on his face. This elicited a wave of giggles from the princess. What an excellent mime! And funny too!

The zebra picked himself up, apparently the shock of violent contact of his nose with the floor sobering him up a little. He began making faces. Opening his mouth, with his throat working hard on pushing something out.

“Did you choke on something?”

The zebra waved his hoof in denial and sat on his flank. He pushed again, his face going livid from exertion, and finally what he wanted to eject escaped his mouth: “Hello.”

“Hello to you too, mister. That’s some excellent show you put there. Some coffee?” She pointed to the tray with beautiful, dainty porcelain cups decorated with her cutie mark.

He looked in panic around as if looking who else was in the room, then confused, finding nopony, rested his hoof on his chin in thought. Then his eyes opened in shock. He pointed his hoof to his chest.

“Yes, you, who else?”

That toothy thing on his face again, followed by a short nod.

Luna got to filling the cups. “I wonder how it is with you mimes, if I’m not supposed to talk to you, or if you are forbidden from talking, or if it’s so difficult for you. I guess it might be the latter. That ’Hello’ seemed like an awful lot of effort. Anyway, your performance is most commendable. You will find the cheque written in my name for the amount designated, plus a tip, on the bureau by the windows.” a dark-blue glow enveloped a quill there as it wrote the number in the checkbook. “And you’re welcome to take a break from your act for a while. We have a whole night of fun ahead of us after all.”

The zebra approached the table. Sideways. Not letting his eyes off the Princess. He reached for the cheque and dared to throw a glance on it. His lower jaw fell.

To say the tip was generous would be an understatement.

He lay the cheque back on the bureau carefully.

A big drop of sweat formed on his forehead, as if he were in some neighponeese cartoon. The princess was about to break into applause, as tears welled in his eyes.

Then he found a bit of the long-lost courage, and forced his mouth to speak.

“Princess Luna. I am not a mime. I can not accept this.”

She frowned a little. “Well, I hope you can accept coffee then. You definitely kept me entertained.”

Resigned he approached the coffee table.

“Then what are you?”

“A call-stallion. A call-zebra to be more exact.”

He met Luna’s blank stare.

“Mares in need of my services call. I come and provide these services.”

“Well, what kind of services do you provide? I suppose they are fun, aren’t they?”

He went through another mime act: Thinking. The way his facial expression would change, despair, joy, frown, uncertain hope, resigned sigh, perked up hopefulness, that show elicited Luna’s laughter again. Finally he seemed to settle on something to his moderate satisfaction, apparently not too happy with the choice but deeming it best he could find.

“Fornication.”

She frowned. “You mean, like, a coital intercourse?”

“Yes.”

“But what for?”

When Silky Voice sent him out, he was informed this would be one of the harder cases.

“For pleasure.”

Luna frowned. “No foals?”

“I am infertile.”

“No sealing of marital contract?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“Not bribing you into...” she frowned. “No, of course not. So you mean a coital intercourse may be fun for the mare? That theory wasn’t known in my times. Although I knew of mares who would do this on regular basis for free, but then I thought it was their generosity to the colts. So, are you sure about this?”

“Miss.” He frowned. “...if I am allowed to call you that, your majesty...” he corrected himself, then continued, seeing her approving nod. “This is my job and my profession. I work for an agency with an entry in a phone book. I am making my living off doing this. I assure you this is true.”

Luna lifted the coffee cup to him, and he had no choice but to take it in his hooves. She took a sip from hers. Hesitantly, he raised his cup to his mouth, took a breath, then a sip...

⁂

“...Are you completely sure you’re not a mime? Or a magician? That floating act, and that rolling in the carpet, and that swimming through the floor... And all that while holding the cup and not spilling a drop!”

Ice Pack shook his head removing the dreamy glaze and returning the treacherous drink to the tray. He really didn’t remember the past minute or century or however long it lasted... He just knew he’d just been beaten at the art of pleasuring ponies. By a cup of coffee.

He frowned and stood hard.

No. This cannot stand. His years of experience and talent and effort cannot fall in the field to a household vessel filled with a caffeinated drink. He WILL pleasure this mare, better than any beverage could!

“Your majesty. If you made a mistake while calling my services, I will take my leave now and let us forget this happened. But if not - give me a chance to perform. I promise: You will like it.”

“You never learn if new theories are true or not without experimental data... So, do your work, mister...”

“Ice Pack. At your service. Your majesty.”

He climbed on her bed. Royal bed - tall enough that it required climbing (or jumping, as Luna preferred), and wide enough that two ponies could sleep at two ends without ever knowing about each other. And... floaty. A bit like a waterbed but somewhat firmer. Thicker. Like...

“What is this bed filled with?”

“Chocolate. The drinkable kind. Why, I had a wild fancy some twelve hundred years ago, I tried it and never went back. It’s wondrously soft, yielding and yet not forming waves like water. Do you like it?”

“Umm... yes. I think.”

“So do I expose myself to you now?”

“If this is what you like. Normally we rather go about... getting more accustomed... to each other. Not really like friends. But not total strangers either. This lets you relax and enjoy.”

Oh yes. Find her good sides. Get to start liking her. Then he might perform. Currently he couldn’t even start thinking about getting it up.

“So, how do I go about this?”

Ice pack spotted a book lying by one of the pillows.

“One can tell alot about a pony by their reading preferences. What do you read?”

“Umm, this?” Luna floated the book up. “The phone book. I was reading it prior to your arrival. What does that say about me?”

Ice Pack groaned inwardly and thought how to get out of that one.

“You are probably rather not well accustomed to the society.”

“Does that show this badly?” she asked with concern in her eyes.

“Oh, no. It is nothing bad really. You are a princess. That is normal.”

“And what did you read recently?”

He frowned. No pony liked his exotic tastes in the literature, and mentioning the obscure titles always alienated him. Normally he’d try to make up something that should be to the liking of his customer but currently his head was blank, so he went for truth.

“Yeherebi, an anciet, epic, poetic...”

Suddenly he was lying back with Luna standing on his chest with voracious, psychotic look in her eyes. “Did you read the last tome?!!”

He looked to the sides looking for any help and tried for the truth again.

“Yes, I finished it just yesterday.”

“Does Jinai save Eritia? Does Hamaruk meet the justice?! DOES KYUI REUNITE WITH HIS MASTER??!!”

Ice Pack swallowed hard.

“Now, that would be spoiling it...”

The Lunar Goddess was suddenly veiled in darkness, only two terrible white eyes and her clenched teeth were visible in her terrible black outline as she lowered her mouth near the zebra’s face.

“SPEAK NOW OR DIE!!!”

Ice Pack whimpered a little and swallowed. “Hamaruk marries Eritia... DO NOT KILL ME! IT IS NOT ALL!” he cried out seeing the princess’ glare. “That makes Imira his second wife. She can not suffer the humiliation. She poisons his wine during the wedding party. Eritia drinks some of it and is poisoned too. Jinai must choose. If he returns the stolen Sword of Power, Master forgives Kyui. They make antidote. Both Hamaruk and Eritia live and Jinai is caught and dies. If he keeps the sword, his love dies, his nemesis dies. I’ll lend you the book, you’ll read the rest!”

He just could not... Death threat or not, he just could not spoil the absolutely stunning ending!

But the change Luna’s face went through! Her eyes, huge and bright were filled with sparks as she held her both front hooves to her face filled with elation.

She jumped out of the bed, prancing in circles around the room, singing. “Imira poisons Hamaruk! Imira poisons Hamaruk!”

Ice Pack could only watch the insane princess in fear. Then she jumped on the bed. The big grin on her face only grew bigger.

“You know what happened a thousand years ago? I was reading Yeherebi all night. And I couldn’t stop. Then Celestia comes, ‘Luna, why is the Moon still up?’, and I’m like ‘Look, I’m busy now, I can’t stop reading to lower it.’ And then she starts shouting at me and I try to ignore her. So she says ‘The night must end now.’ And I’m like ‘The night will end when I finish the book.’ And then she blasts the book, all four tomes at once with a ray of fire!”

Ice Pack gasped. “How barbaric!”

“And I was just reading the last page of the third tome at that moment. Minute later and I’d lower the stupid moon! So I tell her Night will now last forever, or until she gets me another copy.”

“And right you did!”

“But no, she tells me how irresponsible it was. And dares to call it ‘a stupid book’. And I’m just ‘la-la-la another copy.’ So she goes out, note it’s all dark, but now I can’t lower the moon because if I do she won’t bring me the replacement. Then she comes back and gives me the first three tomes and thinks all is dandy. And we get in a shouting match, because I know the fourth tome was all sold out! So she gets the Elements of Harmony and tells me she’ll blast me to the damned Moon if I don’t lower it now. And I tell her she can blast me if she sends me together with the fourth tome.”

“Oh, no!”

“Well, it kinda escalated from there. Armies got involved. And just as my forces conquer the printing house and are readying the machines for reprint, and seriously I gave up on her and tried to get the book myself, and, I’d have the Moon down in another hour, well, maybe two, fires everywhere, we needed to get the machines and the paint heated up, it was kinda freezing after the four days without sunlight, but before I have the last tome in my hooves, she bursts in through the roof with her pegasi and shoots me with the Elements from behind. Right to the Moon. And doesn’t even show a common courtesy to send me the book. You can’t imagine what a thousand years of a cliffhanger feels like!”

“And then, when you came back...”

“Night! Until I get that book! And a thousand years later I expected it wouldn’t exist any more, so the night would last forever! But then they blasted me with the Elements again, and they kinda... suppressed the urge.”

“Umm, they do have a copy at the Ponyville library, right where you arrived.”

“Wait, do you mean I could have just walked into that treehouse and say ’Excuse me, can I borrow Yeherebi, the fourth tome’? Without kidnapping my sister? Without trying to recover the Elements before my chase catches up?”

“Maybe it was rented out at that time...”

“I’m feeling rather silly now.”

Now this seemed like he played it just right. Making his customer feel good about her actions, no matter how atrocious. Supporting her with friendly words, even if she’s been in the wrong. Now just why couldn’t he stop shaking and imagining kicking Celestia’s teeth out!? That satisfying crunch of these impeccable pearly delicacies snapping under his hoof to expose the root canals to open air! To burn Yeherebi?! He never suspected the ruler of the ponies could be so barbaric...

And then a thought struck him, and he caught his head with his hooves in a sudden wave of despair. He had to do something just as bad, and he felt disgust at what he, himself had to do. He felt dirty, like a criminal.

“Princess, I can not lend you the last tome now. Not whole.” He hung his head low.

“But... but why?” She cried out.

“The world needs the Moon lowered in timely manner. No matter what. I will cut my book into four parts. Do not look at me like that, it hurts my heart. I will give you one part every night, so that you finish each before dawn.”

“You...” Luna had tears in her eyes, “You heroic barbarian!” She hugged him tightly. “Let us not tarry!”

“Umm... with what?”

“To your place! I’m getting the first part of the book tonight, right?”

Then a thought hit the stallion, and he went to the bureau. He picked the cheque. “Do you consider I deserve it?”

“No!” The princess ran up to him and shredded the paper with her magic. Then the quill whirled over the checkbook again. “Here. So that you can get yourself a new copy. But this is paying for your services for the next three nights too!”

Ice Pack blinked at the paper. It was adjusted. By two orders of magnitude up.

Now he felt really bad. Like a true whorse. To tear up Yeherebi for the good of the world is a heroic act. To do it for petty cash...

He looked at the row of zeros... interrupted only by one “6” at the place of tens, the source of his official salary...

That’s Yeherebi for goodness sake!

He crumpled the cheque with his mouth and spat it out, then trotted after the princess, who was by the stairs already.

⁂

“Homely yet luxurious. Crude yet comfortable. Your... customers must feel wonderful here!”

“Actually, this is my private part. I have a more lavish room for customers. Here I hold all my books. I rarely invite customers here.”

The zebra quickly started the fire in the hearth. The small cavern under the roots of the tree has been furnished with a mix of Zebra and Pony styles, comfortable yet stylish, lots of dark wood and rich browns, soft plush paddings the color of red wine on oversized furniture, multiple bookcases heavy with books, a small, practical kitchen with multitude of herbs. Luna read the titles with interest, while Ice Pack quickly located the four thick tomes and picked the last of them. He headed to the kitchen.

"Wait... let me..." she called him and he approached.

She put her hooves gently on the last book and brushed it lightly, with love.

“Do you really have to?” she sent him a wistful look.

“It is the cold season. The world would freeze.”

She sighed heavily and let go. He picked up the tome and headed to the kitchen. He placed the book on the cutting board. A knife gleamed in his hooves.

“Avert your eyes, princess. This will not be pretty.”

The princess at first turned her head away. But then the sounds came and she covered her head with a pillow, trying to muffle the terrible rustling of a book spine being cut length-wise, mixed with quiet sobs of the zebra.

Finally a gentle touch awoke her from the stupor. And there the piece of carcass lay in front of her, the front binder damaged, entrails of the poor spine trailing, its leather crudely torn...

She averted her eyes filled with tears. “I... I can’t look at it! Please... Don’t show it to me. Could you read that to me instead?”

The zebra mercifully threw a blanket covering the corpse of ancient poetry. He prepared two cups of his best aromatic tea. Not like that coffee but... after first sips the teary-eyed princess smiled a little.

The zebra picked up the gored piece and opened it on the first page.

Like the horns of a silver buffalo, over the yoke of its golden gates

New moon rises over Erebi, unravels the mysterious fates

of fair princess enslaved and coerced into the tyrant’s heartless embrace

and young ruffian so cunning and sly, too afraid to reveal his true face.

⁂

"And that would be all for tonight, Princess..."

For a moment Luna wanted to protest, to ask him to bring another piece of the book...

Then she screwed her mouth shut. Morning was near, and Luna knew herself well enough to understand that if she started on the second piece, the third would come next...

They shared a look only possible between ones so deeply passionate about literature, so endlessly enthralled.

"It’s still half an hour before I need to start my duties..."

“I am at your disposal until dawn.”

“So do we fornicate now?”

“Do you feel like doing that?”

“No, not really. But... can I lie down by you?”

“Oh, of course!” he made room on the big couch.

The princess trotted to him and snuggled up to the zebra, completely without reservations. “So, what else do you read?”

“The book I read before Yeherebi is “The Legend of Hay House.”. You are unlikely to know it. It is younger by almost a century than Yeherebi... It is a story of war between two crime families, full of betrayals, subterfuge and sudden turns of action.”

“Is the father of the Hay family called Iron Lotus?”

“How do you know?”

“Does he have four young female assassins in his service?”

“Yes, he does. He kidnaps them as foals and brings them up to be his assassins...”

“Except for one dark blue unicorn who betrayed him...”

“Yes, Jirvana!”

“No! Jorvina! They got it wrong! How could they get my name wrong?!”

“Your name?”

“She sneaks all the evidence he had hidden back into his study at night, right?”

“Yes, and then she escapes unnoticed.”

“Despite the yard full of guards, house full of guards and royal emissaries at the gate, huh?”

“I thought that part a little unlikely too...”

“No, it’s all true! Thanks to these beauties,” Luna stretched one of her wings and waved it a little before tucking it back. I flew in and out unnoticed, dropping the spell of disguise for maybe an hour! It took me half a year in that disguise to find enough evidence to pin the old scoundrel!”

Ice Pack’s face got completely blank except for a treacherous grin which threatened to separate the upper half of his skull from the lower. “I am laying snuggled up to Jirvana, and she’s real!”

“Jorvina!”

If Zebras had wings, he’d have the hardest of wingboners now. But instead...

“Jorvina, are you sure you’re not in mood for sex?”

“Let us do some kissing first and I’ll decide.” She grinned mischievously. “It kind of comes with the undercover job, they expect you to kiss them when you mmmmf!” her speech was cut short by his kiss.

Oh, yes, he was such a pro! And so passionate about his job! And... it felt so... genuine...

She pulled back, gasping and smiling.

“Unfortunately, our discussion about the House of Hay left us with not enough time to proceed. I must attend to my duties. But tomorrow we will start earlier, I expect the next part of Yeherebi, and a couple hours for ourselves.” She sent him a smile which sent a pleasant shiver down his back.

She turned and went to the exit, the sway of her hips hypnotizing him...

“Bye, Jorvina,” he muttered as she was crossing the door.

“Bye, Ice Pack.”

And as the door clicked closed, he sighed, looked at himself, then proceeded to do something completely unprofessional...

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