Equestria faces its greatest foe yet. An army is massing around Canterlot's peaceful land. Old foes of Celestia now fight under on banner and follow and old friend of hers. They say the past will haunt you. What if the past came back just to kill you. Twilight and her friends will have to unlock the secrets of a pegasus that has no memory of anything but his first name. As they try to help him and save Equestria they realize that they may have bitten off more then they can chew. I do make references to my favorite Youtubers and or YouTube videos So keep and eye out.
Chapters (18)
This story holds promises and action... INSTA-FAV!
Now I gotta go get Dr. Humps and Mr. Stabby to read this too.
2edgy4me
2419256
As an added note on the World-building advice Sunder provided, I strongly advise checking out this group. The World-Building Alliance is home to a collection of stories featuring a lot of world-building, and has a lot of suggestion threads for cultures and societies for different races and regions.
It's a great go-to guide for MLP world-building alliances.
Also, they have a contest each month that you can take a shot at working towards.
Right, slightly more lucid now. Second attempt at writing this, since the first got lost by forward/back commands. I realised in the interim that the problem with your writing is that you tell far too much. Here's a link that'll explain the concept of Show vs Tell much better than I ever would. Unfortunately, since you've already got nearly 40k words worth of stuff, it's going to be pretty awkward to fix that. I'd recommend a series of partial rewrites, like chapter-by-chapter editing, if you choose to tackle that problem in this fic. I'd totally understand if you chose to say 'fuck it' and just try it out with your next fic, because rewriting 40k words into something that'll likely turn out longer is a lot of work.
Now, another thing that strikes me is your need for an editor/proofreader. You have a lot of spelling mistakes that are actually similarly spelled words, 'quit' vs 'quite', for example, which a spell-checking program wouldn't be able to find easily. Oh, chapter 3 has a legit mistake in its title though. 'Makeing' should probably be 'Making'. Both Google Chrome and Firefox have built in spellchecks which will help with that (mine is currently telling me that 'spellchecks' is not a word). I'm part of a group called WRITE, although I'm freelancing at the moment, and I think they'd be willing to help with your fic, if you'd like.
Another thing I've noticed is that Applejack's accent seems to fade in and out. One moment she's saying 'you all' and 'I', and in another paragraph it's "y'all" and 'Ah'. Pick one and stick with it, seriously.
Biology gripe time, yaaaaaay! 'Red plasma' is used as a euphemism for blood in chapter one. No. Bad. No thesaurus for you. Blood plasma is a straw coloured liquid which suspends the contents of blood vessels. If it's red, then there's probably not just plasma leaking from the wound, and it'd be fine to call it blood. Besides, raw plasma leaking from a wound would, biologically, be pretty strange.
A note on chapter two. 'Very' and 'Vary' are two very different words. In every instance of 'vary' I have seen in your work, you wanted 'very' instead. This is honestly baffling, because I saw you use 'very' correctly in chapter one.
Ah, good old Laser-Guided Amnesia... honestly, I can't say I've missed this trope, but it's used in a lot of plots so I'll try to ignore my mild distaste for it as a plot device. Maybe it's because I want to be a doctor. I'd recommend researching some of the mechanics of actual amnesia when writing a story like this, just so you know how wrong this can be. Hell, it might give you ideas for an interesting plot twist/mindfuck.
Personally though, having skimmed the whole thing, I think a lot of your writing problems would be cleared up by showing more, and telling less. It's a composition thing. Telling does happen, and is sometimes entirely necessary to keep the pacing of your fic above a crawl, but the maxim of 'show, don't tell' is a good one for a writer like yourself. Reading the works of others helps a lot. I started reading fanfics on Fanfiction.net, where quality standards are practically non-existent, so I've actually developed a kinda gut sense for when something is badly wrong with a fic's writing/pacing/characterisation. If you read enough, you will too.
Lord Sunder, Freelance Lurking Madman
Thank you all for the advice, I have edited everything that I was informed about and am confident I got most if not all of the mistakes in the first chapters. Once again thank you all and if something is found pleas message me privately and I will get to correcting post hast. And I do apologize for any inconveniences during your reading.
Dis is good.
Must read MOAR!!!
Shit about to hit the fan.
Welp that's one serious clusterfuck.
Once again I am editing what I can. As for grammar I will have to get that later but I will try to take my time when typing from now one. I am graduating this month from school. it will come first, then work, and finally Dark Libra so forgive me if it takes long from me to get to correcting grammar problems. As for this weekend I may or may not get around to corrections. Please bear with me on this.
This is great.
Please continue but fix some of the error.
Freaking Terezi symbol
This was ether the first or second story I read on fimfic, but that was long before I made my account, so I just came back to say that it was great.
Thank you for taking the time to say that. It means so much to know you enjoyed this and wanted to say something after so much time.