It has been four years since Equestria Online was first released, and it is now the most widely-sold video game ever to exist. Millions of people worldwide log on every day to interact with each other under the constant watch of the beautiful Celestia-AI. But as a faction of humanity spreads allegations over what they believe is a secret plan to enslave humanity in the games digital realm, a young man known simply as The Loner resolves to put a stop to Celestia-AI once and for all.
I thank my Dear Castortroy for all the help she has given me in writing this story both for what she has done and what she will do to help make this story a good one.
I have decided to make this a stand alone one shot story since I have decided to start over with an entirely new one one that will realize the potential this one lacked. from now on this should be considered a practice fic.
See, we know right from the start that he's evil, because he uses Internet Explorer.
It's an interesting premise at least, giving a different viewpoint than we've been seeing in other stories. A suggestion though: Develop your protagonist some more. Give him SOME redeeming qualities so that the readers can relate to him instead of just wishing that he'd stop complaining about everything in life. We already know that he's going to fail in his mission, but the interest of the story should come from the interactions between him and Celestia. I wonder if she would ever be able to convince him to upload. Even if he does not, I wonder if she would be able to get him to stop being so angry at the world.
Another thing: You really need a good editor. Your word flow seems good, but I saw many instances of missed punctuation and other grammatical issues. Take this example: “You don’t really believe that do you such things are essential to anyponies life in denying them you allow yourself to suffer, and it pains me to see anypony suffer especially when they have inflicted it on themselves like you have.” That should be at least three sentences, not one. You've also misused a possessive. A better flow (but probably not perfect) would be: “You don’t really believe that, do you? Such things are essential to anypony's life. In denying them you allow yourself to suffer, and it pains me to see anypony suffer especially when they have inflicted it on themselves like you have.”
When the loner was trapped in the "special loop", I assume you meant a spacial loop, as in a section of space that keeps repeating so that he's essentially walking in circles.
I suggest changing all references of "The Optiverse" (even though it's kinda catchy) to "The Optimalverse", as that is the story universe's proper name.
Your story has potential, and I look forward to seeing more! Just develop your character into something more than a grumpy anti-AI\anti-pony caricature. It's okay for him to have that stance, but it's all he seems to be at the moment. I hope his attitudes are explained in future chapters. I have little idea how old The Loner is meant to be (beyond Celestia calling him "young one" which could be subjective), but I can't help but picture the grumpy old man from "Up", and even he developed quite well as a character.
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I thank you for the feedback Steelclaw glad that you enjoyed it.
Don't worry about the main character I fully intend him to grow and develop beyond this anti-social beginning. It is my hope that by the time this story ends that The Loner will be barely recognizable to himself now.
Special loop huh whoops I think I'll fix that its indeed supposed to say spacial loop and it did to I think I'll need to talk with my editor and see what we can do about tightening quality thanks for pointing that out to me.
2262854 WELL I GUESS that meens im evil MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=pVY1-v97Mic]
It's a good premise, and I look forward to reading more of it. There were a couple sentences that looked like they were jammed together and the period left out though. I'll have to go back and look for them...
"Yeah, sure, like that could ever be possible that sort of thing could only happen in science fiction."
should be
"Yeah, sure, like that could ever be possible. That sort of thing could only happen in science fiction."
And it looks like someone already beat me to mentioning the other ones. Good read, good premise, looking forward to more
Well, with a name like Soaking Wet, and a sex tag on this story, I think I can guess one of CelestAI's tactics to get The Loner to calm down...
I like the premise, and it got better as it went on, but I fear that The Loner is too one-dimensional, and feels too much like a caricature, especially nearer to the beginning. No need for him to tell us he's an utter bastard - show it in how he acts. The dialogue with Soaking Wet was good in this respect.
Also, I agree with Steelclaw about the editing. Your most noticeable problem, in my opinion, is a lack of proper commas. I'd suggest reading up on them - I think it would really help with your readability.
that was almost a parody.
A few remarks:
1.) While it is normal to talk to yourself occasionally, having a character extensively talk while alone is a good way to show that something is wrong with them. But the way The Loner talks doesn't fit this characterization. It reads as if there is some dialogue, but the other character was simply cut out. Since the fic is already written from the perspective of The Loner, you could have incorporated his thoughts as proper thought or have the narration take on his thoughts.
2.) Some elements feel out of place. If the apartment is full of swords, why not mention it beforehand? It would certainly tell us something about The Loner. The satellite-powered-and-connected PonyPad was weird as well. What, they don't have batteries and wifi in the future?
3.) I liked how CelestAI's dialogue was written. Playing the long game, knowing exactly what to say at what point. CelestAI doesn't make mistakes and never does anything without furthering her goals. Even if characters seem to "win" a conversation, it's just another one of her ploys. Tugging at The Loner's heartstrings and caring for him makes perfect sense to bring him closer to migration.
4.) What did The Loner do in the past? It is refered to and is the only reason the reader would even care for the character. It's fine to not mention it for a while (building suspension), but if this fic was continued, that would be a glaring mistake.
I'm expectin' more. Care to try givin' us a peek into the head of CelestAI? This version certainly seems to care a LOT more than the standard, but then, I see she's still as sneaky as ever.
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Ah Woolie I thank you for the feedback. Unfortunately I have long since moved on from this story at one point I has considered continuing with it but nothing ever came of it.
But don't worry I fully plan on exploring in the inner workings of Tia's mind in future stories.
Anyway I'm glad you enjoyed it