For nearly 100 years, the Cloudsdale Police Service has lived by its motto; "Honor, Integrity, Service". Officers and detectives of the police force have fought hard to keep the city safe from all manner of criminals, from the simple burglar to the mass murderer, with a dedication, sense of honor and respect for the rule of law and rights of citizens that rivals any police force in Equestria.
Now they face their greatest challenge
Detective Silver Shield has been assigned to investigate the brutal murder of a nameless mare in the Mustang District of the city. However, what starts off as a simple murder investigation leads them into a web of kidnapping and horrific murder, at the service of a long discredited and disgusting ideology. Silver Shield and her fellow dedicated officers will have to use all of their skill to solve the crime, and stop a madman and his followers once and for all.
(Loosely based on the infamous Rainbow Factory. Some Elements will be similiar, others completely different. Credit for the original story goes to Aurora Dawn. Silver Shield and other OCs belong to me. MLP and related properties belong to Hasbro, Inc.)
Cover image by gino456 on DA.
I haven't even read it yet and I'm already tracking.
Oh, FIRST!
254174
Long time between replies is long, but thanks.
If you've read it, can you tell me what you think?
I read it . . .
First off, love your sense of suspense. The ending was awesome, even if it didn't really fit (What I would do, I would've ended the chapter at the poem, then continued it on a second chapter). I tried doing some sort of suspense story; I'm not sure if I did OK or not.
There were points where it could've used a little bit more description - not a lot, but a little. Don't get me wrong, your description of the victim's course is nice (maybe . . . a little too nice . . . soft stomach . . .*barf*), but maybe at the ending . . .
"I'm sorry... to have to tell you this," she began, "but... your friend... Cloud Chaser... She's dead."
Firefly's jaw dropped and her eyes widened in complete shock. She slowly sunk back into her chair. Her violet eyes began to fill with tears as she dug her face inside her hooves.
I don't know, something like that.
BTW, I saw a few punctuation problems; commas and periods, go through for those.
263017
Thanks. I'll go through it later and see if I can fix those errors.
Mind if I borrow that last part you said for the fic? I really like it.
263090
Use it; that's why I wrote it.
263165
Thanks
One more request, do you think you could recommend this fic?
263866
Recommend? Like, write a blog about how awesome this story is?
Or I could use some of your characters in a story i'm writing. Check it out!
. . . Now as I think about it, maybe not.
264196
I was thinking more suggest it to folks.
The fic could use the traffic methinks
Still reading the first chapter, but I want to post one comment before it slips my mind.
This thing Silver Shield says to Gridiron, in the opening chase sequence:
"And that gives you the right to corner them in your house, make them kneel in front of you, and shoot them in the back of the head?" She asked. Gridiron just glared at her. "Listen to me, I'm sorry they hurt you, and I'm well aware of how you feel, but that gave you no right to do what you did. Shooting someone in cold blood is never justified. Love, including being able to forgive someone when they wrong us, is something that our society is built on." She said, just as a paddy wagon pulled up. She hoisted Gridiron up and handed him over to the two uniform officers who emerged from the paddy wagon. "Take him to Central for booking. He's being charged with first degree equicide."
This part (specifically the bolded portion) just broke my suspension of disbelief. Put yourself in Silver Shield's horseshoes--this guy just committed a double-murder AND led you on a frustrating chase AND mouthed off at you during an arrest, are you really gonna try to be all compassionate and understanding to him?
What's more, a few paragraphs up, Silver Shield was sounding like a hard-boiled badass, saying things like "When I say stop, YOU STOP!" So it feels like she suddenly switched tracks when she suddenly starts apologizing and talking about love.
I think I understand what you're going for--you want to show that Silver Shield is noble, compassionate and has a strong moral center, am I right?--but you'll have plenty of time and plenty of ways to show that. You don't need to get everything across right up-front. Pace yourself, and think about how a scene would actually play out.
I'm sorry if this sounds critical--I hope I haven't discouraged you--but I just figured a little bit of constructive criticism would help.
2196815
That's exactly what I was going for. I didn't want her to be just another Dirty Harry-type Cowboy Cop. I might have overdone it though.
This story is on hiatus, but I hope you'll keep reading.