• Member Since 14th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 5th, 2014

fic Write Off


T

Writefriends from all over PonyChan gathered in a war of words on the weekend of January 21. But who is the greatest a/fic/ionado? The final decision is yours. Vote, rate, and choose your favourites!

Authors are anonymous, so you won't know who wrote what until the voting stage is over.

(See: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/77900.html for info on how the competition went down.)

Chapters (21)
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Comments ( 42 )

Was there a word limit?

Ezn

155721
Nope. Stories were however long they had to be.

Very happy to see this up.

Enjoy the stories everyone! And be sure to vote for your favorites, and remember, we do appreciate comments! :twilightsmile:

Only two stories in and I have to say this one will be pretty fucking hard to beat. It's lovely, and childish, and the idea that Mayer Mare is a secret gambler on the run from pirates sits very well with me.:derpytongue2:

Hmm...that first story just got some competition....there's some really good one's in here but this one sticks out for me as it seems to be the most 'complete'. Not to mention it's brilliant at that. I love the fairy tale style, it fits Applebloom, and the idea of The Unsure makes me want another story. There's one or two spelling errors, but damn, this was written in a weekend!? :derpyderp2:

#6 · Jan 24th, 2012 · · · Change ·

:applejackconfused:

Damn another good one, and NOW I have to vote. I loved the writing on this, some of the best Trixie I've seen, let alone in a contest. You guys really brought out your A game with this contest, a few were lacking, or rushed, but the good ones are REALLY damn good. This is a sweet story, and I loved the ending.

Now...onto voting...I have three stories that deserve a ten or at least a nine....damn...damn....can I give more than one that rating? Is that legal? Will I break the universe?

#7 · Jan 24th, 2012 · · · VOTING ·

There is no reason you can't give more than one 10 rating, don't worry about it. Each score is individual, and the stories with the highest average score will win.
So... feel free to give the stories the rating you think they deserve.

Numerous comma splices, some awkward shifts to present tense, and a premise that didn't really deliver. The ending is satisfying, but I craved a bit more substance. On to the next one.

Hmm... Not bad. I'll be keeping this in mind.

Iffy grammar in many places, although the OC was somewhat interesting. I think the story belabored the point somewhat. Color me unimpressed.

Not bad. Some iffy grammar and a few "wut" moments, but I loved how you trolled everyone with the ending; you're a writer after my own heart, I see. Not bad at all.

Slightly haunting. I liked this. I liked this quite a bit.

Y'know, I would have enjoyed this a lot more if it weren't for the foal abuse out of nowhere.

I... what the hell did I just read? I think my mind hurts.

Heh. Funny. Unless my computer is derping, though, why all the italics?

Meh. The plot thread with Octavia didn't go anywhere, and the ending felt unsatisfying. This felt, at best, unfocused.

Ye gods, could you have made the rules any more convoluted? Bleh. Still, this had a few funny moments.

Present tense + weak hook = NEXT!

Thoughts are denoted with italics, not single quotes.

Plot-wise, I liked the idea but didn't like the execution.

What a shame. I was hoping the mid-story twist went somewhere interesting.

Oh hey, Trixie angst. NEXT!

My flankhattery aside, congrats to all who entered. Speed writing can be difficult, and I look forward to seeing who wins. Everyone who submitted a story should be applauded, even if some of them weren't my cup of tea.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA SUBMIT THIS TO EQD @_@

"Of the six strong convoy,only two had survived the deadly blaze. Fortunately nopony was injured,"

Out of this whole awful fic, this line stands out above the rest as making no sense whatsoever. Which was it?

159283 Convoy: A procession of land vehicles travelling together.
In this case, six of those carriages were set alight, only two remained at the end. What is there not to get?
Well, feedback is feedback, I would prefer something a little more constructive but I kind of asked for this.

@PresentPerfect
I did. It was put in the Nightly Roundup #224. Bit of a shame it didn't get more publicity in its own post, but it is their blog after all.

159556

The sentences are contradictory. Either:
A. Only two survived the fire.
or
B. Nobody was harmed.

161888 Oh right, I see how that could be confusing now. I was referring to the vehicles not the ponies. Four carriages were burnt irreparably whilst two remained relatively untouched. None of the ponies were in the carriages at the time, therefore no one was injured. Sorry about that, shouldn't have used the word survived. :twilightblush:

158831
I need to get it polished up first - the timeline and the ending, among other things - but when that's done I will. :) thanks!

Twilight had little character or voice. Also, keep in mind the old "Show, don't tell." advice, as this seems to be riddled with "telling" to me.
What I can compliment about this story is that it unquestionably obeys the prompt—to me, the phrase "one-way ticket" is all about how Twilight brought her doom upon herself and how she is unable to take back her actions and deserves no second chance. The moral of the story, I'd say, is apparent.

>It was really cool except that it was warm and made me sweat around the collar, so maybe that cancels out.
>The stallions were ponies who lost lots to her, which means they’re sore losers, and need to stand in the corner, but they have knives and are grown-ups so maybe that changes things.
>It should be alright though because the good ponies always win, and I’m sure Miss Lucky’s the good pony because the stallions have knives and were rude so they must be the bad ponies.
>I’m not in a family business and I don’t like to think what my cutie mark would be if it was something to do with my name.
Author, I commend your detail and good humor and the voice you put into Pipsqueak's narration! I cannot wait to read more. This is especially notable for imaginatively utilizing the prompt in such a unique way instead of going for a simpler interpretation of the phrase "one-way ticket".

Pipsqueak uses "told" sometimes, he doesn't differentiate between "learnt" and "learned", and he should capitalize Dad as much as he capitalizes Mummy. Should the "And" in "Captains And Pirates" be capital?

>Maybe we might even have a real adventure instead of the play ones, not that there not fun but it would be cool to find real gold and diamonds and swords instead of funny rocks and big sticks, even though they’re cool too.
Not that they're not fun.

>Then thy threatened to hurt Red Jacket if Miss Buttermilk didn’t say.
They threatened to hurt him.

>I almost fell from the tall rocking chair, the one nopony sits in, so I went to see if I could help Mummy with whatever it is she was doing.
"Nopony"? I was given the impression that Pipsqueak and his mother were their home's only inhabitants and that "the one Mum never sits in" would be a better phrase.

>Shouldn’t we help
This needs to be punctuated by a question mark.

>“Pipsqueak... yes, I met him last Nightmare Night! He’s a sweet little guy, isn’t he? Pinkie Pie calls him ‘chap’ all the time. I think it’s some northern word,” rambled Twilight.
Isn't it some Northern word?

This story is, well, feeble; it really might have tried harder to visibly lead up to its awkward, unexpected "this friendly, close-knit, community-focused small town is enthralling, and I don't need the Man or media keeping me down" theme.
I believe it has nothing to do with the prompt.

Why is Mail Bag sleep-deprived, and why is the ticket violent? Those two points gave me the impression that you were going to do something or other with them, but they seem like just badly trivial details.

Is he Mail Bag, or is he Mailbag? Is it a phoenix, or is it a Phoenix? Did you mean for the article titles such as "The Return Of The Mare In The Moon" to have so much capitalization?

>I still fondly remember the smell of sweat that filled the building the day after the mane 6 got their medals.
Why do ponies regard the Elements of Harmony as "mane", and why does the story use the word "main"?

>The only way to know where I was going was to follow that tiny spec of light a few feet away from me.
It was to follow that speck.

Nice presentation of characters, author! I'll enjoy reading your other works!
You've got a solid, clear and well-executed message that doubtlessly respects the prompt; this piece was exemplarily concluded.
On the other hand, while I wasn't personally bored by the opening on the train, Vimbert has reason to think your hook weak, as it certainly could've expressed its point (Rich's immoral ruthlessness) in fewer words. Rich should have taken his daughter's advice and "not made it a lecture."
To me, though, the aspects of business throughout the rest of the story were expertly and seamlessly woven in and, rather than detracting from the story, enhanced it, even though I know about nothing of finance.

>You said it yourself; you’re a family man. So just sign the papers, go home, and be the family man.
Pfff so well placed. Oh, the giggling fit I had.

Are they "people", or are they ponies?

>He stopped looked to see if she was still listening.
He stopped and looked.

>“Is it not easier for you to take out a loan?” he asked. The
The remnants of some sentence are left.

>I’m also quite aware that your business, Mister Rich, is not publicly traded, and so have set mt own price, which I and my associates find quite generous, for its acquisition.
I have set my own price.

You got a ridiculous rise out of me! Huge success, troll.
Excellently descriptive narration. I eagerly hope that you have written some fics that are more . . . sober, so that I can read them once I know your identity, author.

. . . Well. You use "neighbour", "mould" and "realise" once each, but you use "immobilize" and usually use "realize". :twilightsheepish:

Is it a river bed, or is it a riverbed? Is it a manticore, or is it a Manticore? Are they Diamond Dogs, or are they diamond dogs?

>She stretched and idly looker around.
She looked around.

>Nearing the end of the tunnel, she was blinded by what became a n intense light.
She was blinded by an intense light.

>When she finally reached the end she had to pause again. This time to let her eyes began accustomed to how bright the light was.
These sentences would be better separated by a comma instead of a period.

>Dash eyes widened a little, her breath becoming baited.
Dash's widened, and it was becoming bated, not baited.

>It’s nose poked out of the door, unable to get through.
>The Manticore hovered there, over the water, flapping it’s mighty wings and looking down upon her with a malicious grin.
Its, possessive.

Hm. I've always been intrigued by the concept of the Elements of Harmony giving the mane six some political or religious significance.
I suppose that Ehsan's and Mordid's oaths do resonate with the prompt's message; when one takes a one-way ticket, they're honor-bound by a promise and can't easily withdraw it.

I use the spelling fifteen, not fifth teen.
If I were you, I'd capitalize and hyphenate number names: Five, Fifteen, Thirty-Seven.

You capitalize "unicorn" twice. While you make "pegasi" lowercase, "Pegasus" and the bewildering "Pegasus's" are capitalized and both used as if they're plural. What's up with that?
(I mean, "Pegasus's"? Why would you type that? Why? :raritydespair:)

>This devolved into pounding followed by a nervous shrill of fear and it would of continued for hours, but a fellow Pegasus stepped away from the shadows in an attempt to calm her down.
It would have continued.

>“This is a contract . . . we are not obligated to assist in said investigation
>If you win the Marauders Run Challenge . . . he may choose the best course of action for your life.
>Finally, you approve to offer full cooperation . . . I’m legally required to answer any questions you have pertaining to this contract.”
A quotation mark should precede "If you win", and another quotation mark should precede "Finally".

>Rainbow Dash took in her surroundings, five other large cells lined the walls as she was taken through the door the walls like her cell wasn’t hoof made her prison a cave etched over a period of more than a thousand years.
I have no friggin' idea how to read this sentence. The thing hurts my eyes.

>Attempting reason Sky Surge tried once again to dismay Rainbow Dash, “We are likely going to engage hostiles on that airship and you are unarmored and unprepared for what we might face”
I think "dissuade" instead of "dismay" is the word you want to put there.

>I made a hubris mistake of overlooking your descent into the canyon; I will ensure that does not happen again.
The adjective form of "hubris" is "hubristic".

Man. I really want to see what a longer story written by you is like!

>I could still remember the conversation me and the husband had shared before I’d come out here.
I and the husband (or the husband and I) had shared it; "I" is a subject; "me" is an object.

The prompt was quite clumsily shoved into this piece. Perhaps you could've compared the choice of whether to sacrifice romance or dreams to a "one-way," irreversible decision?

>Up and down lost all meaning, there was no East or West, or North or South.
Those should be lowercase.

>Get a hold of yourself! . . .
>. . . Her ears drooped back, and her shoulders fell.
Between these two points, you leave narration italicized when only Rainbow's thought should be italic.

Man, you're an exemplar. The reader understands both Clyde's and Pinkie's worldviews and feels for each of them. I enjoy reading stories that consider dichotomy between outlooks as this one does.
I think of this as an outstanding model of a tragedy. An open-minded character keeps two closed-minded, conflicted characters together. She dies; the two be closed-minded. Really, this is incredibly great! I love your portrayal of the three characters! Author, I need your other writings!

"He isn't a bad pony; he's just different from us." I adore Granny's speech! The fic's audience would do well to read into it.
So, when Pinkie discards the rock, I'm thinking she's thinking, "Screw Clyde and the family. I don't need ponies who have mindsets dissimilar to mine. Let's go! Individuality! Nonconformity!" I think, "What! Why is she being all intolerant? Grandma said to be tolerant!" but then I think, "Oh, of course she disregards Granny's advice! In the present, in the show, Pinkie has demonstrated great intolerance a number of times!"
It may be cynical, but the "one-way ticket" prompt pretty much necessitates that cynicism, and Pinkie is rather in-character! And I, the reader, am still left with the utmost respect for Granny Cranberry; even if the well-flawed protagonist doesn't comprehend her elder's horse sense, the reader can.

157643
Pinkie had wasted hours she should've been using on the granite—for the fourth time in a week! Clyde hit her once, gave her an ice pack, carried her to her room and told her a caring lesson. "Sometimes the problem is a boulder and we just need to work our way through. . . ." is well-reasoned to me; the fact that there is a time for parties is valuable wisdom that, some argue, to this day, Pinkie still hasn't learned.

>She ran hoof over her mane.
Did she run her hoof over it?

>Then once your done, we can throw a 'We finished the big granite order' party!
We can throw it once you're done.

>Her cupcakes were ruined, but grandma would still want everypony to be happy and not scary.
>I would be mad, but all I cared about was how awful granny would feel about me tearing down her party.
"Grandma" and "granny" should be capitalized.

Huh. Interesting. I'd expected averages higher than 7.16.

. . . 4.00? For "Trixie's Grand Finale"? . . . It deserved better than that. . . . :applejackunsure:

169539

Now that our identities have been revealed, I can properly thank you for the pointers. =)

169632
Thanks for the feedback.
I always miss small stuff like that.

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