Patric12345
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Hmm, I like the start, but there quite a number of noticeable errors.
I like vampire fics, but due to how rushed this chapter is, the honestly below average writing, and the akward sudden love, I can't like this. I will continue reading, but only to see if this improves. Also, you BARELY described the surroundings.
3670574 First chapter is a bit rushed... and yeah sudden love. I'm going to rewrite the chapters when I get a chance too. I've improved since last year.
Good day, sir! This is ChromeMyriad here to review your fic by request. I’m still trying to nail down my style, but what I’ve found is that the most mistakes and the most dislikes come in the first few chapters of your story. Keeping that in mind, I’m going to go into detail about how I feel for the first few thousand words and then stick to overall impressions as I continue. For those about to read the review, beware of SPOILERS!
Let’s begin before the beginning: the description. The description is the first thing your audience sees. While errors are generally unwanted, you definitely want to be particularly careful with the description. Incorrect grammar there is seen as a precursor to the story we’re about to read.
‘Empire’ in the second sentence needs an ‘s’ to make it plural. The way the second sentence begins sounds like you’re about to introduce the fallen leader, when you’re actually trying to keep his identity secret for now. You should reword it to make it clear this leader has already fallen and time has passed since. Something like ‘The dark Emperor made a decision that would change the course of history. Now that he has fallen, another stallion must take his place.’ The ‘Of’ in ‘Elements Of Harmony’ doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Reading through the rest of the description, I can see a consistent problem: verb tense confusion. You constantly switch between one tense and another. ‘Going to’ in the third sentence of the second paragraph is future tense, but you immediately switch to past tense with ‘took.’ Your sentences also flow poorly because you tend to try saying the same thing multiple times. If our heroes end up in a tower (looking at the second-to-last sentence), it is assumed they took shelter in it, so saying they took shelter in it afterward is redundant and a bit confusing. You need to work on being concise with your words and cutting out any descriptors or phrases that have already been established or implied. There are a few smaller errors. You should be able to catch them if you take another read through the description.
First chapter:
Brownie points for beginning the chapter with a bit of action. Unfortunately, you don’t really have any descriptors to draw us into the scene. Even the smallest descriptors can do a lot to immerse the reader, but there are literally none here. The main character has almost no reaction to being blown up except ‘Fuck my life’. The mare has almost no reaction to almost being killed by a flying body except ‘that hurts’. It’s very bland. There are also multiple errors here. ‘Blow’ should be ‘blown’. There are several places where you need to begin a new sentence and neglect to. There are a couple places where you have a sentence fragment that should have been connected in some way to the previous sentence.
Should be ‘I was blown away by the bomb. Oddly enough, I wasn’t destroyed.’
Should be ‘Well, for one, I just woke up less than a minute ago after being out cold for I don’t even know how long!’ Although even with that slight revision it feels like that sentence goes on forever.
An ellipse is only three periods. You need a really, really good reason to have more than three.
Good on you for marking the place where the perspective style changes, but a horizontal rule would have served you better.
After having read the first chapter, there are several things that jump out at me.
First, things develop at a breakneck pace. Chapter one: character almost kills Twilight Sparkle, character falls in love with Twilight Sparkle, Twilight falls in love with character, character begins to die (from a wound to his lower leg… dafuq?). You should slow down and take time to add descriptors to characters and their reactions. You also need to describe the stting a bit. I have no idea where we are. Is this Canterlot Castle? Is this Ponyville? Is it the middle of the Everfree Forest? I have literally no idea.
Second, HOLY ELLIPSES, BATPONY! Almost none of your ellipses have just three periods. That, however, is a small slip-up compared to the sheer number of pauses you put in. I wouldn’t be surprised if half your character count is periods. You simply don’t need so many. As a rule, don’t put ellipses at the end of sentences. I know our character is supposed to be dying, but the number of pauses is distracting and breaks flow. You should try to take out some of them.
Third, Twilight is out of character. I can forgive out-of-character ponies if the character is fan-made or if the Alternate Universe tag is in place (which it is), but what I can’t forgive is making established canon characters shallower for the sake of conforming to a storyline. It cheapens your story and disrespects characters people love from the show. Twilight immediately forgives and even falls in love with Ebon seemingly because he’s ‘cute’. She does so even to the point of weeping and begging over his injured body. It’s very contrived and very distracting. Maybe if you allowed some time to build a romance it wouldn’t feel so strange and out-of-character.
Fourth: conflict resolution. Conflicts rise and fall faster than the tempo in a Nightcore remix. It’s important to understand that a story is driven by conflict and things not being okay. Having Twilight warm up to the main character so fast and call off the guards means some interest in your story has been lost. Fortunately, you have some intrigue remaining in the way of ‘what could possibly be happening with this super-resilient character who’s hearing voices?’ Even so, you need to let conflicts continue for a little while. Having them resolved so quickly makes your story less believable and breaks immersion.
While I enjoy the occasional vampony fic, your writing is lacking in some very key areas. Your mechanics aren’t terrible, but they’re bad enough to be confusing and flow-breaking. Your storytelling is incredibly weak and needs some revamping as far as basic structure and flow goes.
Having said that, your premise is interesting and you show a clear mastery of the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule. Nowhere in this chapter was I thinking to myself ‘well I really wish he hadn’t told me how to feel about that.’ You tell the story and leave the audience to react to it rather than telling the audience how to feel, and that’s a much rarer skill than you would think.
I’m going to read on but, like I said earlier, most of the negative stuff comes from the description and first chapter. The stuff above? That’s my first impression of this story, and it’s not good.
Second chapter:
This chapter flew by so fast I had no idea what was happening. You tell almost the entire story via dialogue. We need some sort of firm grounding in setting and scene transition or we’ll have no idea what’s going on. Also, references to things outside the story (songs and movies) distract the reader and break flow. Don’t do it. The issues I’ve already talked about are still there. I actually kind of liked the Vampony Lord until he started spouting real-world references.
Third chapter:
It is really, really hard to tell who is talking. You need to italicize or bold the inner dialogue between the Vampony Lord and Ebon to set it apart more clearly from spoken dialogue. The romance between Twilight and Ebon still feels extremely rushed and insubstantial. I never read the Twilight series, but reading this feels the way I’ve heard non-Twilight fans describe feeling about it. More real-life references. No setting the scene for the story. Same rushed pacing. Why did he feel like Rarity was a bitch? She said a couple of complementary sentences to him and immediately decides he doesn’t like her. That really makes him seem like an asshole, and that’s not a good thing. You want the audience to like your hero, no matter how much of an asshole he might be. You could make this work by having Rarity actually say something hurtful or insensitive.
Skipping ahead to one of the last chapters, I can see you’ve made some progress. The mechanics are much better, although there are still unnecessary ellipses. You describe the surroundings more, though the characters’ reactions are still bland. The pacing is still like jumping off of a diving board at the edge of space. I’m still confused about who is talking. I haven’t mentioned it yet, but unnecessary crassness also takes readers out of a story. Twilight is still insultingly shallow to the point that I’m really starting to dislike her.
Final Personal Score: 2/10
Your mechanics are bad enough to be flow-breaking. Your characterization is way off. Your all-powerful Vampony Lord is a pop-culture-spewing comic relief that isn’t actually funny most of the time. The romance between Twilight Sparkle and Ebon feels rushed and creepily reminiscent of the Twilight series. Your world-building is almost nonexistent when it isn’t simply mediocre. You barely let your characters react to anything outside of dialogue and the occasional blush. Your storytelling is confusing and off-kilter. To top everything else off, vampony stories are nothing new. I may enjoy them, but I enjoy them because of the double-life more than the powers. The sole redeeming factor here is that you show more than you tell.
This has been ChromeMyriad. I hope this review helps you. If you have any questions or wish to discuss anything I’ve put in here, feel free to reply to this comment or contact me. Signing off!
This is awesome! I want a part 2!
Pretty good far