We all love to receive, but we often forget the joy when we give.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 6th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen May 12th, 2017
Tavi n Scratch
You cannot have joy without tasting despair.
Tavi n Scratch
Joined 6th Nov, 2012 ·
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- Tavi n Scratch · 1k words · 35 1 · 1.1k views
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As soft, sweet, and wonderful piece. You capture what it is to love someone very well.
Some of us wish we could be in such a happy predicament.
Over from the post-a-comment group.
I enjoyed this. I just read two pretty highly-rated short pieces on this site, and yours was definitely superior to both. It's a shame it hasn't gotten more views. Your sentence construction is quite nice, and the whole piece reads very smoothly with only one minor editing error that I caught (a tense-agreement issue). I even got a bit choked up at the end.
On the critical side, I think you could tighten up your language some. Although the flow of words is nice, dropping some modifiers here and there - things like 'actually' and 'far more'. Your first two non-italicized paragraphs are good benchmarks. Those are some fine paragraphs. On occasion, I also had a hard time telling which character was speaking - especially when you'd describe one character's action and then, in the next sentence in the same paragraph, give the other character's verbal response to that action. The writing was good enough that it never completely threw me out of the story, but it did make reading more difficult a couple times.
This was very nice, and I'll be adding it to my favorites list. Thank you for sharing.
2049443 Thanks for your kind words. I wrote this when I was a bit exhausted, and when I went back to edit i felt I couldn't make it much better without just re-writing it. I got lazy, which is entirely my own fault.
I appreciate your feedback, and I'll keep it in mind for the rest of the vignettes.
"A couple of my friends were confused as to how I could fall in love with an Earth Pony while I was a pegasus, they saw her as just an anchor that would keep me grounded. They couldn’t be more wrong. The excitement of flying cannot even compare to feeling of my heart soaring every moment I spend with her." I LOVED this quote, this entire continuity is SO cute!