Virtually invisible to PaulAsaran
It's been a while since Hearth's Warming Eve, and it's not time for Winter Wrap-Up. All around Ponyville, ponies stay indoors, trying to keep warm, and eating what's left of the fall's bounty. Sugar cookies and hot chocolate round out the mix, but too much time indoors can make ponies a little...weird. Even Pinkie Pie gets a little weirder than usual.
Page generated in 0.083 seconds
Total duration
714 users online
782,796 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well. Dat ending, was surprising.
A decent short read here though some of the dialog felt a little awkward. Still worthy of a thumbs up.
Also...
Looks like she got... *sunglasses* the cold shoulder.
YEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Nice one, loved the ending =P
just...
Pegasus is a greek work, to make it plural, take the -us of and put an -i
- A pegasus -> Two Pegasi
Cool
1861956
The "pegasuses" was deliberate. I used pegasi everywhere else for plural. Thanks for the spot, though. Last few stories a few spelling errors have sneaked through, and been caught by sharp-eyed readers.
1863701
This apostrophe is backwards.
Rartiy‘s focus drifted off.
...It's decent, if a little random.
1867622
I have no idea how that could have happened....I kind of like it that way, though. It adds what my art professor called "visual interest," and in a story that wasn't proofread or even well-thought-out, a little visual interest can't hurt....
Pinkiiiieeee!
1861956
1) -us changing to -i is the Latin ending, not Greek.
2) If you're going all the way back to the Greek roots, then 'Pegasus' is a proper noun, referring to the Pegasus that Bellerophon rode, and there's only one of him.
Okay, so I took a look at it.
First off, the story was interesting. I really don't know what to think about the first scene. It started out actually pretty nice. The scene with Fluttershy and Derpy was actually really nice. And then it started to get really weird. It took a random turn for Twilight looking for Pinkie Pie. It was very sudden. Fluttershy seemed a bit out of character with the "Were you raised in a barn line?"
Also, I think Twilight would have known that Pinkie Pie did live at Sugarcube Corner, by now. Especially since the Mare-do-well incident. So that was odd.
I felt like the longer this story went on, the more lack of focus it had. I felt that it was rushed towards the end and it just wasn't as strong as the opening. The opening grabbed my interest, which was good, but as the story progress, I felt that it was kind of a let down.
Like I said, the beginning was strong, but I felt that as it went on, it felt rushed and that hurt it. I really hope that you continue to work at it, because like I said at the beginning, you caught my attention and I think that with more time, you can keep it. So, thanks for letting me read it and I'll catch more from you later. Take care.
3831264
Thanks for the review! To be perfectly honest, it's not one of my better stories. I've got a quarter-million more words of practice under my belt now, and I've gotten much better (I hope). I know I've gotten better at comedic pacing. I could--and should--have made it a little longer, but I was probably just rushing for the punchline.
3846321 It happens, my brother. I do it too. All we can do is do better next time.