The Wonderbolts. Stunt flyers, elite protectors of Equestria, and by all accounts, the best of the best. So when the threat of war starts to brew beyond the borders of their kingdom, it's obvious who would be the first ones called upon to stop it. And the leader of the mission? None other than the fastest of them all, Rainbow Dash.
With the situation nearing closer and closer to a breaking point, Dash must call upon a few old names to help her out, including one unlikely ally. Once assembled, the team sets out to settle a conflict that could send three kingdoms into utter chaos. Sure, some may call them the best flyers in Equestria. But can the best of the best quell the might of an entire nation?
Chapters (7)
Simon o’Sullivan and Beard reporting for duty. We’ve been sent here to give advice and a review concerning this fic of yours.
To be honest, I’ve barely found issues involving grammar. These are some of the lesser issues, however, that you have to change. There are isolated cases most of the time, but you have still to try and avoid them in future chapters.
Noticed this part? You’re using present tense for this whole scene, which is something I don’t really care for, though it’s considered a huge challenge. However, you have that part about his dressing, and you change to past tense there. I think there’s another tense change in that recording, but I don’t remember where it is. Check that part again to avoid that part. The fact that you start with present tense and then use the rest of the story use past tense is odd, but as long as you don’t mix them during scenes, everything should be fine.
If you want to stop a speech line by an interruption, you use “—“ and you don’t put a full stop or any punctuation mark there. There are a few like this one in the story.
This looks a bit odd to me. Sometimes you split the actions and dialogues of a single character in several paragraphs.
These are some of the issues that you should avoid. During narration, ellipses and brackets are out of place. You should rephrase those parts to avoid those parts. The narrator might be reliable or unreliable based on the information he has, but you must always write fluently. You can use commas instead of brackets, and change the ellipses so that the sentences flow naturally.
Here you forgot the comma after “so”. Check again the dialogues to see if you’re missing a few more commas here and there. Check for punctuation issues. Another issue I found was here.
You need a comma here instead of a semicolon.
This ellipsis doesn’t fit here. The sentence is complete; Spitfire didn’t stop in mid-sentence or got absent-minded or anything.
This is my beard’s opinion, but considering that the two griffons we’ve seen on the show, Gilda and Gustave leGrand, have human names, I’d recommend giving him a different name. However, if that’s the surname, I guess you could live with it. WoW-like names and surnames in characters are something that I’d avoid.
The story is in its beginnings, and we’ve been introduced to the main conflict. However, a lot of issues we’ve seen here could damage the story if they appeared often in future chapters. It also depends heavily on how you’re going to develop that. An important advice: don’t think that readers would take everything for granted. For example, you’ll want to give valid reasons as to why the Wonderbolts are a full-fledged branch of the military. Though I’ve heard of a team of expert fliers who were in the military, but the Wonderbolts, in the show, have been said to be stuntponies most of the time. Sure, they have the strict training academy, but it’s what you expect from a group that’s always referred to as “the best of the best.”
I have mixed feelings concerning the scene where they send the Wonderbolts to defeat giant Spike; you could consider it a mission, but could also be volunteer work, and the ease with which Spike took care of them prove that they lack combat training. And no, the Wonderbolts are trained to perform and fly even in the harshest weather conditions, they have yet to show some skill in combat.
This is Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly reviewer of manly fics signing off.
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Thank you for the in-depth look at my story. It ain't a bad way to start off the comment section, y'know?
Oh, and happy new year to you, and all the other fellows at WRITE too!
Im liking, and tracking!
Pretty good! I'll leave a full review later on! Keep up the great work!
Awesome. bestpone is in this story.
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Agreed, Lightning Dust is best pony. Faved because of it.
Calling it now, Dust doesn't come back from this one alive. Dash keeps the promise by giving declaring her a Wonderbolt posthumously.
What they need is a changeling to go alone. You want to infiltrate and sabotage, can't do better than a changeling.
I like this. The portrayal of a slightly older, significantly more mature Rainbow Dash is perfect - just how I would imagine her to be.
I almost expected Dust to not come in order to force Dash to break her promise out of pure spite. But now that they're going in dust is either going to skip right to a overly risky solo assassination plan or sell her team out to Razorbeak, either way she ain't coming home.
Wonder what Cloud Chaser will ask? I'm not sure any of them are going to be prepared for what's in store, can Dash or Dust go far enough to be willing to kill?
Oooo. Commander Dash(yes, I know she's Captain, but that sounds cooler to me) takes the reigns and Spitfire has a ulterior motive!
Do go on.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh, Spitfire just hat are you hiding?
I hope you plan on continuing this story. I've enjoyed it thus far. Looking forward to more team interactions and (hopefully) a bit of Lightning Dust redemption, I'm kind of a sucker for that. That and the very dangerous game Spitfire is playing right now definitely makes things more tense.
As for the actual writing itself, I can tell there's been some thought put into this. Especially with the characters. Though it's still early in the story, it seems like all the members of Dash's team have fairly unique personalities. Good stuff.