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When the legendary thief vanished from the world, many of its leaders who believed he was real waited to see if and when Greymane would come out of hiding...or if he was truly just a myth. For many of them that's all he was, a myth, or a story meant to tell young ponies to keep their imagination alive. The real question, though, the one that begs answering, is this: What do you believe?
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Not the worst bloody thing in the world, honestly. But their is one bloody issue. One big problem in this story. What is it? FUCKING GRAMMAR. Your grammar is horrible, as if it were written by a 5 year old. Fix that, re-read to make sure all sentences are good, and there will be no issue.
2280847 thanks for the heads up, its been a while since the last time i did try to write something so i will try and fix it
2280847 I'm going through it and proofreading it for him. I should have it done in a couple days if you want to come back and read the finished product.
Okay I was put off by the rating, but i'm actually starting to like this. So good job and keep it up!
LateBronyWriter
P.S. Also, how exactly doe this tie into Past Sins. I know Nix is in it but she seems to be more a supporting character from how the story progresses.
6418114 not sure who nix is but as the story goes the main is reminded of his past actions as well as constantly being attacked mentally by the items that caused him to commit an atrocity, before too long I plan on having a moment where we go through his memory to see how it happened, why it happened and what caused him to start walking his current path to find redemption for his past sins. in fact I think its the fourth chapter where we get a little bit of a peek into the sin he committed with out really going too far into it. now granted I know I called the fourth chapter 'the redemption of a thief' what happens by the end of it is only the start to him making his first step on the road to find redemption. but if you feel that its not enough to be in the listing then by all means you can remove it from the listing.
6418114 Okay so I know it's been far too long since I last spoke with you on this topic, however I have done my research into Nix and though I find her cute and the idea of how she's connected to Twilight is great; but sadly I have no idea as to where you saw her in this story. Is it possible for you to show me where you spotted her so I can be aware that she is there?
Ooh, this sounds really intriguing! I'll have to read it when I'm not so busy with classes!
6733720 Thank you, a shorter side story that ties into this is Master of Order and Balance. Feel free to enjoy them as you please.
So much exposition..... Like I have Exposition, but lord..... This entire backstory would have been enough for four prequels. Do I hate that? No. This is all good and interesting. But it all seems so dense when explained. Like the dossier of some Immortal Foreign Spy, it feels like CIA paperwork, and that is far more boring that you would think considering the rather spartan-esq description of your common office clerk.
...... It's like hearing of Indiana Jones's WWII record, that involved even more Nazi ass kicking, and artifact hunting for the US Government in the Crystal Skull. You realize that that would have been a far better movie, than what you got!
7109959 Not quite sure what you mean, but I do know what you were getting at about the length of the prologue. And though I've toyed with other thoughts of what I would do about it, I don't think I would change anything about it. There are however a few things I need to go back and fix when I have the time, but thanks for taking a moment and reading at least this much.
7110687 Are you gonna carry on?
7578307 Yes, I've been working on the outline for the next chapter. But during the time I'm not working on this I have a comedy that I also work on, as well as several stories that I help edit or create. One of them is called Mother Of The Enemy.
7578932 I see. I see
7579596 Is there anything else you would like to know, or any questions you have about the story thus far?
7579644 No its fine dude! Ima read it in the near future anyway XD
7580206 Alright, glad that you are enjoying it so far.
FINALLY got around to this. Eesh has this been a busy month.
Anyways, on the story: I am loving the exposition here! As a previous commentor said: four novels worth, yet you wrap it up rather nicely in a single prologue. I'm hooked. Bold move to make the first entry nothing but world building, and I love it.
One note, the punctuation is a little off. Not to an urgent degree, but just enough to break total immersion. Still excellent, though.
7756156 I'm working on that as best I can, and I'm glad that you like the start of it. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story, in the mean time I'm still working on the next chapter.
Alright, still good!
Although I must say, the punctuation and grammar leaves a bit to be desired.
For example:
Should resemble:
Please, don't get me wrong: Your storytelling is intriguing, and the storyline is incredible thus far, yet such issues prevent me from enjoying it entirely. I'd suggest editing it a little bit.
7760572 I had gone back to edit that chapter three times before. And I had always felt I was missing something, I'll try to go back when I have the chance and fix some of it again.
Sorry it took me so long to get here.
But, here I am, finally with some free time!
Once again, solid storyline, and just enough exposition to keep it interesting, without making it feel like homework.
However, though I hate to be harsh, the grammar in this could use a lot of editing. I love this storyline, I love the tones, and I like this idea. But, with improper grammar: only a third of what could be coming across is. I'd suggest doing some major edits for this fic.
7784120 Well at least each chapter seems to show improvement, I'll have to make time to go back and fix all of it.
Glad that you're enjoying it though.
7784601
Oh, wow. I didn't get notified that you've been replying this whole time.
Anyways: I am indeed enjoying this greatly.
7784643 That's great to hear.
Okay, I'm going to be a little blunt here.
As far as I've seen, there are three continuing problems with this story: improper grammar, clunky exposition (though much, much less of this in the more recent chapters), and slightly rushed dialogue. I just don't feel as invested in this story as I should.
Example A: Improper Grammar.
Should look more like
Or something.
Example B: Clunky Dialogue.
Should resemble
Or
The songs were a nice touch, but after seeing the author's note: I'd rewrite them. One of the rules of FiMFiction is no copyrighted songs. I've dodged that by writing my own lyrics into familiar tunes, and I recommend it here. I think you're creative enough to handle it.
Also, sorry it took so long to get back to this. It's been hectic lately.
8117995 When it came to the songs I knew the rules on fimfiction, however giving credit to the source shows that I'm not stealing it by claiming it as my own. And ya I've been trying to work on the grammar, one thing I should do differently when I transfer it from my hand written work. To the typed work, I shouldn't try to do the typing and editing when I'm tired, and exhausted as it clearly affects what I'm doing.
I'll try to improve on all of that as best I can.
8118053
Oh, I wasn't aware that was an option.
And I can relate, Grey. I've done more rhan my fair share of editing fouls even when awake. : rainbowlaugh:
also, sorry for not responding earlier. I didn't get notified that you replied.
8134765 Lol, sounds like the notification system turned stupid for a while. And ya, the rule focuses on stealing work. But if it's referenced or credit is given then it's in a whole other ball park. Now I may want help creating a song later for a conflict, but I'm not too sure because I'm half set on the song Confrontation from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
But again nothing is certain at this point.
Also I think my stronger points are on story and world building, more than they are on interactions. But I'm not too sure on that just yet.
8136040
Something. And alright, I'll nake nite of that...
Confrontation, eh? Ooh, I get chills whenever I hear that one. Ink Potts' animatic on it was what introduced me to it... I think I'm digressing. Anyways, yeah, if you ever need help: I should be open.
Yeah, I'd say those are your strong points. However, I've seen your growth as far as interactions go as the chapters went on. They're not perfect, and could use a little work, but they are no worse than what I usually do.
8136628 Well that's good, oh and speaking of that animac. Someone took on the task of turning it into an SFM animation, it doesn't have the same impact as the grey shadings and black shadows. But it's still rather good.
And as luck would have it, there's also a plain animation.
8136657
Oh yeah, those are prettu good.
8136861 The other songs I was also set on using for the up coming conflict were these two.
Or at least set to the tune and them of the songs. Though the first one feels more like an intro if this fic got animated.
8136874
>Huh, intriguing choices.
8137219 When I get to the part that explains why the main is conflicted with his choices, while also being toyed with by forces he can't stop. It will make sense why I made those choices.
8138160
Indeed. I cannot wait.
8138184 Though if you want an early guess at what caused it before reading, Master of Order and Balance is a back story of how the current leader of the Order, and the main first met each other. And how he became what he is by this current point in time.
8138194
Sounds interesting...
8138447 Keep in mind I have not gone back to fix anything in it, so it's still like it was when it was first uploaded here.
"Never thought I would get to face the great Abaddon."
Do you me failbaddon the armless.
Yeah I will BLAM my self for that bad joke.
9300058
No I meant Abaddon as in the angel of the abyss, and the one who is to open the gate of hell unleashing swarms of locusts. Though I'm not sure I get the joke you're making, please elaborate more for me.
9300137
Yeah I'm just being an dumb 40k fan good story by the way.