Crystal Empire And Twilight Sparkle

King Sombra hunts down the pony who got past the door of nightmares,the one who foiled his plans, the one who is the Element of Magic...

Will Twilight defeat Sombra or will everything fall into his hooves?

Chapters (3)

The nightmares and the truth · 1st Dec 2012 · 793 words
793
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The first step of the plan · 2nd Dec 2012 · 716 words
716
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The thoughts and feelings · 22nd Dec 2012 · 520 words
520
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Comments ( 15 )

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epicdonus1123 BOT

epicdonus1123 BOT #1 · Dec 1st, 2012 · · · The first step of the plan ·

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me5q2qarFn1rkzieto1_500.jpg

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #2 · Dec 1st, 2012 · · · The first step of the plan ·

King Somba

"You dawg, dis be King Somb'a in da hizzous!"

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #3 · Dec 1st, 2012 · · · The first step of the plan ·

Okay, let me try to be a bit more helpful now.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

Title

Crystal empire and Twilight sparkle

Apart from being the most uninspired title I've seen besides "A New Pony in Ponyville," you missed two capitals. Every word of your title except "and" should be capitalized, both because that's how titles work, and because "Crystal Empire" and "Twilight Sparkle" are both proper names. Always capitalize proper names and titles.

Description

King Somba

It's Sombra. Somra. With an R. It's the Spanish for "shadow."

goes for the one

"Goes for?" Really? That makes me think of someone who's really hungry and sees a bowl of chips. Is Sombra intending to dip Twilight in bean dip and crunch her up? Try something more sinister, like "stalks" or "hunts" or "will have his vengeance upon."

who got passed

Past, not passed. "Passed" is past (lol) tense for "pass."

Twilight passed the door of nightmares. Once she did so, she had gotten past it.

the door of nightmares the one who foiled his plans the one who is the element of magic...

Should be a comma after "nightmares" and "plans."
"Element of Magic" should be capitalized, as it is a title.

Will Twilight defeat Somba

Comma.

or will everything fall into his hands?

fall into his hands?

hands

dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw154_1304845597044.jpg

On to the actual story.

Double-space your paragraphs. Walls of text confuse Rainbow Dash.

Use italics for emphasis, rather than ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE! The latter makes it look like your characters are screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Dear my faithful student,
Come to the castle immediately, bring your ponyvill friends and Spike. Your all in danger."
Your teacher,
Celestia."

Celestia isn't going to address a letter to "Dear my faithful student." It should be either "Dear Twilight" or "My faithful student." Either one is appropriate.

Ponyville. Capitalized. Silent E at the end.

******

There's a nifty little thing called "horizontal rules" that can make your scene breaks much cleaner. Just type in (hr) on its own line, replacing the parentheses () with brackets []. That produces this:

Cool, huh?

****with the princesses*****

This is not how you set a scene unless you're writing a screenplay. Describe it. Tell is how it looks, sounds, feels, how Twilight feels.

Twilight lead the way into the Canterlot Palace, the sound of two dozen hooves loud on the marble floors. She paid little heed to the splendid building, having been there many times before; the high, vaulting ceiling was familiar to her, as were the rich tapestries along the walls, and statues and busts of famous ponies out of history that adorned the corners.
She passed a pair of Royal Guards who nodded respectfully to the Princess's favored student. "Go right in," the one on the left said. "The Princesses are waiting for you."
The Princesses? Luna as well? Twilight wondered. What could it possibly be?
The six ponies and one young dragon trooped into the Great Hall, past the enormous stained glass windows depicting scenes of victory and triumph. There were the six of them defeating Nightmare Moon; and there, Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor united their powers to banish the changeling queen Chrysalis.
At the end of the hall stood the two alicorn sisters: Celestia, tall and regal, her everflowing mane shining with all the colors of dawn; Luna, her expression severe, her indigo mane and tail twinkling with tiny lights, cold and distant as the stars."
"Welcome, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said.

See? Something like that.

Your biggest problem is your pacing and your descriptions. You went from "Twilight has nightmares" to everypony being in Canterlot and dropping a major bombshell about Luna in just over 500 words. That's absurdly fast. As a rule of thumb, each chapter should be at least 1,000 words in length, and 5,000+ is not uncommon.

Your descriptions are also lacking. Describe stuff! The only way we can envision it is if you paint us a picture. Describe the looks, sounds, smells; tell us how Twilight feels, how she reacts, what she thinks. Make it come to life.

Good luck, and keep writing!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak

Hiyatt12341

Hiyatt12341 #4 · Dec 1st, 2012 · · · The first step of the plan ·

1716283
Thank you! I'll fix the story right away.

Corporal Lyra

Corporal Lyra #5 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · · The nightmares and the truth ·

Uuuuuum first

Princess Cadenza

Princess Cadenza #6 · Feb 16th, 2013 · · · The thoughts and feelings ·

Somba? SOMBA?

It's SOMBRA! And also have you actually read Deep Pond's large comment? It's definately helpful for your story. If you don't fix those errors, nobody's gonna like your story. EDIT: You fixed them already. Good.

Hiyatt12341

Hiyatt12341 #7 · Feb 16th, 2013 · · · The thoughts and feelings ·

2129228

I don't know what your talking about. I fixed those errors a long time a go

Prince_Dark_Bane

Prince_Dark_Bane #8 · Jul 8th, 2013 · · · The thoughts and feelings ·

more please

Glitter101

Glitter101 #9 · Feb 3rd, 2014 · · · The thoughts and feelings ·

i cant wait to see what happens. please post next soon.

Little Wood

Little Wood #10 · Mar 8th, 2014 · · · The thoughts and feelings ·

Write more. Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more.Write more......

Write more.
You get a moustache you do. But you get a like and favorite.

Moustache is locked for now.

Twilight Shine